


Not with Haste

by NattieFOURLarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, Betrayal, Bottom Harry, Bottom Louis, Cheating, Childhood Friends, Drama & Romance, Emotional Baggage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Friendship, Lies, Loss of Identity, Love Confessions, M/M, No Fluff, Personal Growth, Plot Twists, Possessive Behavior, Romance, Sappy Ending, Self Confidence, Top Harry, Top Louis, Tragedy, Unrequited Love, they share
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2018-11-01 16:39:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 94,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10925811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NattieFOURLarry/pseuds/NattieFOURLarry
Summary: Being with him always gave me a sense of comfort, his friendship something I will cherish and forever be grateful for. He came into my life after my dad left and comforted me, grounded my emotions, never poked fun when I was down. He was my rock, my best friend, and he just made me feel…like a better version of myself. He shaped me.And that means more to me than I thought possible and if I were to ever lose what we created...well let's just say I may not make it out alive, broken heart be damned.He means more.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I'm doing it again. I'm editing, changing, enhancing, rewording... having fun!  
> But really I'm fixing this story up because I will be posting a new fic soon entitled Jellybean and that will be my last. I've had fun writing and it's been a thrill. 
> 
> But please be aware, this story takes place in 2001 and will include 9/11. Proceed with caution...I will make notes at the beginning of the chapters that depict the tragedy in detail.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this edited version.  
> Happy Reading!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 09.11.2001 <3

“Come to bed.” I croon into his ear. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and lay a sweet delicate kiss on the back of his neck. “I’m lonely.”

“Not now, Harry.” He shakes me off. “I need to study.”

“You’ve been studying for a week straight!” I whine refusing to let go. I want him in bed with me. “Take a break for a few.” I leave a trail of kisses across the base of his neck to tempt him. “I miss you.”

“I bet…H, come on, stop!” He pushes with more force. However, rather than feel offended, I persist further.

“Nick.” I lean over and shut the book he was reading. “Look at me.” Our eyes meet.

“You’ve lost my place.” He blinks lazily.

“I don’t give a shit.” I push the text off of the desk and move the chair back. “Get up. You need to rest your eyes.”

“I told you I need the top score in my class to get the job I interviewed for.” Nick’s eyes are bloodshot, face pale, hair a mess…he may or may not have showered for a few days either. “Let me study, alright?”

“Nope. You need a break.” I take his wrist and pull him to his feet.

“I do not have time for this. Can you stop? I am trying really hard to not lash out at you.”

“Lash all you want.” I drag him over to the couch and push him down onto the cushions.

“God, you’re insatiable.” I straddle his hips and dive in, my lips and tongue shutting him up. He firmly grips my hair pulling me towards him as I close the space between us. I break the contact to make my way down his jawline and throat as his hips start to move in sync with my tongue. _I’ve won!_ I reach between our bodies to cop a feel of his...limp cock. _That’s weird._ I gently grope him to elicit some sort of movement in his crotch but I have a distinct feeling I am failing.

“Sorry, you caught me off guard.” Nick reassures me taking notice of my hesitation and obvious lack of confidence. I continue to stroke him as my lips move back to his. I drive my tongue into his mouth savoring his taste, temporarily satisfying my fix, quenching my thirst that seems to always linger just beneath the surface. One hand is working him through his jeans while the other is taking hold of his neck keeping him in place as I suck his lips and explore. I’m relentless. _Grow…damn it…GROW!_

My movements become more erratic and sloppy; the thought that Nick isn’t enjoying this is absolutely killing my libido. _Jesus…what the fuck!!_ _Get hard!!_ I finally break away throwing my hands in the air.

“Are you alive down there?!” I lean back on his knees, my cheeks reddening.

“I told you, you caught me off guard.” I place his hand on my throbbing dick.

“Does this help?” I question as I stroke myself with _his hand_ through my sweats. “I’m so hot for you, can’t you see? I was like this all evening by just the thought of you.” I close my eyes at the sensation as I guide him up and down my length. I can’t help the high pitched moan that escapes my lips.

“Holy fuck.”

“Yes, you like that?” I move quicker.

“Mmmm…” I am starting to feel that tingle in the pit of my stomach, that familiar sensation confirming I am close to my orgasm even with me guiding Nick’s hand through my sweats. It’s pathetic really. His _touch_ could drive me to my max, the mere thought of him making me impossibly wanton and weak. I am attached to him in every way, stuck on his wavelength, drawn in like a magnet. It never seems to be enough though. _I am pitiful and need a life_.

I squash down my rational, coherent self and carry on with my methodical strokes even though I am _so close_. This was originally meant for Nick to loosen up, forget that he has his boards in a couple of weeks, make him realize he’s been ignoring me…so I need to keep it together and _not cum_ before him. Luckily, after a few minutes, he takes my hand and directs me to his now erect cock. _Finally!!_

“I wanna take you.” I open my eyes to stare Nick down, intimidate him. However, his expression is blank, his mind elsewhere.

“Be gentle.” His voice is devoid of…everything.

“Yeah…gentle.” I stand up and push him down onto the couch splaying him out before me ignoring his poor attitude. I work the zipper down and undo the button of his jeans knowing what waits underneath, the need to get my hands on him taking control. I pull down his pants, remove his shirt, and discard them to the floor and work on my sweats next.

“Christ, Harry. I think you may have a problem.” He moves his arms above his head.

“I do not. I just love being close to you, is all.” _I am starting to think I am the only one who feels that way…_ I take off my shirt and stand bare in front of him, a feat that certainly did not come easy. I want him to look at me, take me in, memorize every curve, think of me always, and love what he has. _Is that selfish?_

“I know.” I crawl over him procuring a bottle of lube I stuck between the cushions earlier. _Is that really all he has to say?_ I kiss down his torso as my fingers take their time stroking Nick ensuring he doesn’t lose his hard-on, something that never was an issue in the past. Maybe his exams are stressing him out more than he is letting on. Maybe I am not worthy of him or good enough to be his boyfriend. Maybe he deserves someone unique, strong, assertive…not some lowly- _Enough! Concentrate_.

I run my tongue over his tummy leaving a path of saliva and move further down to his crotch. I lift my head and blow cool air over the wetness seeking some sort of reaction from him, anything really at this point. I move lower and start to suck him off because it’s obvious nothing seems to be working.

“I…thought…” His voice is strained. “You were…” I suck harder and bare my teeth as a bit of a surprise to both him and (more so) myself. “Ah!” He takes a fistful of curls and lifts my head up. “It’s not a goddamn lollipop!”

“W-what?”

“You’re hurting me!” I sit up on my knees.

“I’ve done that before-” I try to start.

“No! You haven’t.” He leans forward and rests on his forearms. “Get off of me! I’m not in the mood.”

“You never are!” I stumble to my feet feeling ashamed, my arousal lost. I pick up my sweats and pull them on trying to cover myself and hold onto a semblance of confidence. “What’s the matter? This is not just about your exams. You’re distant, avoiding me, being curt. And dare I mention your lack of affection!”

“I didn’t want to have this conversation right now, Harry.”

“We have to eventually! So now that I _finally_ have your attention, spill!!”

“I’m breaking up with you.” I freeze, one arm is stuck in the sleeve of the shirt I was about to pull over my head. I am startled at the confession, taken aback, confused, utterly lost.

“You’re…you. B-but I love you.” I sit on the arm of the sofa to reorient myself.

“I don’t love you, H.” He is watching me closely. _He doesn’t love me…he doesn’t love me…_

“D-don’t love me?” I whisper to myself.

“I wanted to wait until after I graduated but I can’t keep this up any longer.” Tears blur my vision as the harsh reality sinks further into my chest. “You’re going to have to find a place to live but you don’t have to leave right away.” A breath hitches in my throat. _He’s leaving me? He doesn’t love me_.

“I’ll um…” I swipe at my eyes. “I can’t be here.” I walk to _Nick’s_ bedroom to gather a few belongings as I finish dressing myself.

“You don’t have to leave now. It’s late.”

“This is the last place I wanna be honestly.” It’s filled with too many memories. _He doesn’t love me._

“Can I at least explain myself? Do you want to know why I don’t love you?” I think I hear my heart split in two, my love for him leaking through and into my bloodstream leaving a permanent stain in its wake. I drop whatever I was holding to cover my ears, unable to listen further. _Was I expecting this? Was I just too blinded? Too stupid?_

“W-what?” I can’t help the tears…I’m a mess. I need Ed to fix me and patch my broken heart. “I’m leaving. I’ll get m-my stuff soon.” I shove as much shit as I can into my satchel, throw on my sneakers and run out the door.

An all-consuming sadness cripples my ability to breathe, the sobbing merciless as I make my way out of the building and into the evening air. I feel the remnants of my shattered heart floating in my chest with each step. Their sharp edges are like painful reminders of what I lost, what I can never get back, and what part of _me_ will be missing once this night is over.

It hurts.

I hurt.

I am lost.

 


	2. Same place, same time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being late changed everything.

“I can’t get the…” The door is jamming. _Come on…come on!!_ “Maybe the heat expanded the wood…”

“It’s okay sweetie, try and push it with your shoulder?” My mother suggests from behind me. I had every intention of impressing her and Robin with the apartment I found _all by myself_ and I can’t even get the stupid door open.

“You’re paying a lot in rent. Are you sure you can afford it?” Robin, always the sensible one, “You can easily live at home and travel into work.”

“I know that. But with class and everything…it’ll be too much.” I turn the knob and slam my shoulder into the wood, stifle a groan as I make contact.

“Is the lock turned?” Mother…yes it is.

“Now is the time to save your money and think for the future, son.” _I appreciate the advice, Robin, but right now, I need to open this goddamn…_ The door gives, swings wide, and slams into the wall.

“Ah shit.” I lug my satchel onto my shoulder ignoring Robin’s suggestions and walk into the apartment. “Well? What do you think?” I stand in the middle of the first floor unit with my arms spread wide.

“It’s charming, Harry.” My mother walks in next eyeing every corner and crevice. "What a lovely brownstone you found.”

“If you walk to the park up the block you have a clear view of lower Manhattan. It’s beautiful.” I offer, attempting yet again to convince my parents that I made the right decision. Honestly, I cannot live at home anymore…it’s too confining and I want personal space for a change. _Who the fuck am I kidding? This is going to be miserable. I hate being alone_. “School and work are a short subway ride from here. It’s perfect.” I drop my bag on the floor and proceed to check the light switches. “Mmmm…I will need more lamps.”

"You can take the ones from your room at home.” Mom runs her fingers along the fireplace mantle.

“Are you already kicking me out?” I attempt to joke.

“Never! I love you and only want what’s best for you.”

“OK so let’s get unpacking.” Robin walks into the unit carrying a box labeled _kitchen_.

“Uh…yeah, there’s a lot of shit.” I rub my palms together. “I want my bed here.” I make a gesture with my hands indicating the position of the mattress. “I can put some sort of divider to separate the space.”

“Or get a wraparound couch?”

"Oh yeah.. that could work-"

“Helloooo? I'm double parked. We need to empty the truck out.” Robin walks back in with yet another box labeled _living room_ in my awful scrawl.

“Sorry!”

.

.

.

.

After about five hours, two pizzas, and a few beers later we are finally finished. I even hung drapes in the window to tie the room together.

“These were just perfect! See? They do not let in any light.” Mom carefully arranges the curtains on the _matching_ rod carefully spacing each ring, “This looks wonderful, Harry!”

“I still think you should be home…” Robin takes in our work, “You can live rent free.”

“I appreciate the offer, I really do. But I’ve already told you, this is easier for me.”

“Is this because of that man?” Why does everything circle back to that?

“No! Definitely not…And he lives uptown near Harlem. If I wanted to be near him I would have looked in Astoria or Sunnyside.” I shake my head to clear my thoughts, “I’ll be fine…I’ll be able to focus on my studies without interruptions. One more year and I’m finished.”

“Just know the offer is always there. Westchester is not terribly far.”

“I know, Robin, thank you. Let me just figure it out?” I run a hand through my hair.

“Alright my love we’ll be off now. Remember to call the cable company and set up an account for the electric.” My mother only reminded me of this about…35 times.

“Absolutely…can’t live without my television shows.” I smile, dimple and all.

“If you need anything, call us, okay? Once the cable man gets here, give us your home phone too.” Robin gives me a quick hug, claps my back. “These damn cellphones are unreliable.”

“Sir, yes sir.” I mock salute. “Bye mom.”

“Be sure to call your sister and let her know you’re all settled in?” She places her hand on my flushed cheek, a sad smile pulling at her lips.

“Wish she was here…actually.”

“I know, sweetie. She insisted on moving to the west coast to pursue her career.”

“There is plenty of opportunity in the city.” Robin crosses his arms over his chest, “I’m getting the car. Remember, Harry, call the house with your new number. Have a good night.” Robin disappears into the hallway before I can answer.

“Be safe! And good luck tomorrow!” Mom kisses me on the cheek and follows after Robin leaving me to my lonesome.

.

.

.

.

I am lying in bed staring at the ceiling unable to relax as a multitude of emotions rest uncomfortably in my mind. Normally I am a sound sleeper; however, with the recent events that have since unfolded, relaxation has escaped me. I had to fabricate a lie to my parents as to why I decided to move out of Nick’s place and find something the farthest south from his apartment immediately. I may have faltered a few times this afternoon with mom, especially when she asked how we were doing but I simply changed the subject or turned my attention to another project to immerse myself in. It’s too raw to discuss any further, especially with mother dearest... especially with anyone for that matter.

I turn over onto my side to face the window…that’s covered in blackout curtains. I groan, reach up to swing them out of the way, and flop back down. I stare blankly ahead, watch the quiet sidewalk, and the rustle of a few dead leaves littering the street to distract my thoughts. But it's not enough. _It's never enough_ because not only am I juggling this shit storm with Nick, I am also dealing with finals, _and_ starting a new job tomorrow in downtown Manhattan at a marketing/advertising firm. It's a harsh reality that I unfortunately have to deal with, and with a Master's degree looming over me, I'm spreading myself too thin.

I wanted to convince myself a bachelor’s was enough but seeing what employers seek for today? A Master’s degree is practically required. I enjoyed college though…I met a ton of people, traveled abroad dabbling in international business (the idea squashed once Nick came along), drank often, fucked too much, and really? Was I focusing on actual schoolwork? Um…no…and I kinda…sorta regret that…

Maybe.

Oh well. I can focus now...right? Make up for lost time? Sure...

I hear my cellphone chime then and reach out to the empty space on the mattress to retrieve it. I squint at the screen to read a text from Ed asking how the move went.

[E]: I am coming there to crash!

[H]: Sure??? You’re more than welcome to…I’m so lonely :(

[E]: We gotta change that.

[E]: Let’s meet tomorrow night after work?

[H]: Yes! Please!

[E]: Sounds good. Let me know when you’re out!

[E]: And good luck

I smile at the screen avoiding the time knowing it is well past 11pm. If I fall asleep now…I will get approximately 6 hours, 15 minutes, and 47 seconds of precious sleep. _Relax you shit. Just relax…_ My phone buzzes again, fills my brain with hope, gives me a reason to reach for it one last time... _only to be disappointed again._  

[E]: :)

“Ugh get over it!!” I drop the phone down onto the bed and roll back over closing my eyes shutting out the world and my irritating thoughts of Nick reaching out to me. 

.

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.

.

Before leaving, I check my satchel for my wallet, keys, phone, and a few notes from class to study from rather than my overweight, rather cumbersome textbook. It would probably be more beneficial to read from however, I want to hide my age, maybe pass as a 25 year old...or someone _not still in school_. I want to be accepted not be perceived as an obnoxious child.

"Good. I'm set." I shove a piece of toast into my mouth, drop a quick text to Ed reminding him about our _date_ later, and note the time. "Oh...time to go be an adult." I head to the door catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and nod in satisfaction. _I don't look like I've been through the ringer_. In fact, I look darn cute if I'm being honest, especially in jeans and not some stuffy suit. _Thank you casual dress code. I do praise thee_. I adjust my collar one last time, swipe a few stray pieces of lint off my jeans and shoulder my bag.

“Let’s do this…and don’t fuck up.” I remind myself and head out the door to the subway. It’s such a lovely day, too sunny to be holed up in some office but that’s the price- “Owe!!” I grunt as something sharp digs into the bottom of my foot. “What…?” I look down and sure enough…I forgot shoes. “Real life, you are already kicking my ass. Cut me some slack here.” I run back home to retrieve my sneakers and miss my opportunity to grab a coffee on the way.

But.

Everything happens for a reason.

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.

.

I made it to the financial district in no time and am walking towards the office when I spot a Starbucks on the corner. It’s a God send. It’s a dream come true. It’s _coffee!!!_ I head inside, disregard the line, and wait patiently for my caffeine fix. _I have 35 minutes. I’m fine. I’m fine._ I remind myself until it’s my turn.

Once I order, I move towards the back to avoid the crowd. I’m minding my business, searching the faces of the men and women crowding the coffee shop, note their discontent and rather sour facial expressions. _Will that be me in a few years?_ The thought rattles me. _Will I be this unhappy? Is this what working does to you?_ I inwardly groan, grip the strap on my satchel. Great. I am not even done with my first day and I’m thinking of the imminent misery…which I cannot even begin to contemplate because I’ve barely tasted it, have no experience, need to think of my own happiness…realize I am the creator of my future. I hold that power. Not _my job_. So I push that annoyance aside and continue observing.

When I think I’ve seen it all, I stumble upon a man standing in the corner with his head down, hands shoved in his pockets, and sporting the _worst_ comb over I have ever seen. I mean, my hair isn’t much to talk about, you know being all curly and crazy frizzy, but this is just… _oh_. The man lifts his head revealing two intensely blue eyes behind a pair of glasses, kissable pink lips, and this insane jawline. And well, shit that’s not fair. How can he possibly pull off such a hairstyle and look this good? He’s smaller in stature, wearing khakis and a white dress shirt with his sleeves folded at the elbow. His tie is hanging vicariously around his neck too, giving him a more rugged look. And the fringe? Well…it just sits perfectly against his forehead, enhances his overall appearance. I can’t deny the sensation that stirs within me as he combs his dainty fingers through it, the way he flicks his head afterwards, the way he…pulls me in without even trying. _Oh wow!!!_ He’s got me hooked and I don’t even know his name!

“Sir?” There is a tap on my shoulder. “I think your order is ready?”

“Huh?” Is all I can muster.

“They’ve called the name Harry a couple of times and no one has yet to claim the coffee. Is that you?” The woman asks.

“That would be me…sorry.” I quickly claim my drink, feel my cheeks redden in embarrassment, and walk towards the exit. I look around the shop for the man, but he is nowhere to be found.

.

.

.

.

Work is…well, work is work I suppose? It’s my first day, I’m jittery, filled with nerves, and I am certain my boss, Liam, is only a few years older than I am.

“How are you doing so far?” He approaches my cubicle.

“Good I guess.” I wipe my now sweaty palms on my jeans. He’s dressed in a t-shirt, jeans that are slightly ripped at the knee, and an old beat up pair of Airforce One’s (that I am certain were white at some point).

“The first day is always the worst…but I trust you’ll find your routine in no time.” He looks at his watch, “We have a meeting in 15 minutes actually. I wanted to introduce you to the team and reorganize our assignments. Now that you’re here…” I am staring at him as he speaks as nothing registers. My brain froze at _introduce you to the team_ and I think I may be sick? “…So as I was saying, you’ll fit right in. You’re still in school, correct?”

“Uh…Yes! I have one more year before I earn my MBA in Marketing.” Good recovery.

“Good to know. I’ll meet you in the conference room.” He shifts his weight.

“Sure…sounds good.” He is walking away when I realize. “Wait!” The man turns around, eyes me wearily. “I don’t…” I blush instantly. “Where is that?”

“One floor down.” He winks and continues back to his office.

.

.

.

.

I leave the office in a daze, find my legs moving on their own, feel the tenseness in my shoulders from hunching all day. Being outside isn’t bringing me any sort of comfort either. It’s stifling, it’s clammy…it’s New York and I wish for a day where it wasn’t so fucking humid.

“Stupid heat.” I grunt as I walk along the sidewalk towards the subway. I turn to my right, note the two monstrous towers before me and nearly lose my footing. They’re ridiculously high…so high I find my fear of heights choking me. “Woah…” I hear a blaring horn to my left, am pulled back into reality. “Oh shit!” I dart back to the sidewalk panting, so perplexed as to how I managed to end up in the middle of the road.

“Get outta the way kid!!” The cabby yells at me.

“SORRY!!!” I yell back in a panic. “I didn’t mean…” But he’s gone. “Ugh…” I swipe at my forehead.

How is one supposed to feel after their first day of work? Is this what my life is going to be? A monotonous cycle of waking up, traveling to work, sitting behind a desk, traveling home, sleep, repeat? _Fuck_. Is this what the sourness was about?

My phone buzzes in my pocket.

“Hey, Ed.” I answer on the second ring.

“How was it?” He asks. Ed, my best friend, attends the Julliard School of Music. He is in his 5th year and will be graduating with a dual degree in Music Composition and Performance. It’s insane actually because I’ll be stuck behind a desk while he’s…working with Hollywood’s finest artists and musicians. _Ugh!!_

“It was okay.”

“Not too thrilled I suppose?”

“Nah…it’ll be fine.” I convince myself. “I’m heading down to the R train. Do you think you can meet at my place? Or maybe reschedule for tomorrow after class?”

“I wanna come see the new pad. I’ll stop by for a bit. My professor nailed us with a surprise assignment so I need to work on that now. I think they’re forgetting we’re graduating soon. It’s ridiculous.”

“I guess they want you to earn your degree? You know, use your brain?”

“Whatever, man.” I huff into the phone.

“See you in a bit”. I give him my address and head down to the train.

.

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.

.

I was leaning over one of my Marketing Strategy texts when I hear a knock at my door.

“COME IN!” I yell from my perch on the couch.

“Woah! Look at you! What a great place.” I look up at the red haired man with a smile. Ed and I grew up in Westchester together, have been inseparable since the first grade and it worked out that we both ended up attending college in Manhattan. _Or maybe I sort of followed him. But that’s a story for another time._

“Yeah, right? Beats the shit out of those dorm rooms…nothing is worse than walking in on your roommate fucking their girlfriend.” I blanche at the memory.

“Or when your roommate walked in on you fucking _your_ boyfriend?” I divert my gaze.

“You mean, my _ex-boyfriend_ thank you. God, had to add salt to the wound, huh?”

“Always.” Ed smirks and walks around the small space. “Great job, can’t wait to have a party.”

“Wait, what?” I ask. “I need to impress the neighbors, okay? No parties…right now at least.”

“Is there a roof?” He heads to the fridge and pulls out two beers.

“Yah…I think only the tenants on the top floor can use it though…like it’s included in their rent or some shit.” I take the bottle from Ed’s outstretched hand. “Thank you.” I take a swig and place it on the glass coaster my mom gifted to me.

“What happened?” Ed sits across from me, rests his sneakered feet on my _brand new_ coffee table.

“Already making yourself at home?” I gesture towards him. “At least take off your damn shoes.”

“You’re not going to be one of those people who make their guests walk barefoot in your place right?”

“Well, if you insist on putting them on my furniture, I just may!” I snap and reach for the bottle.

“Woah there, what’s the deal, huh? Is it school?” Ed takes his ratty converse off.

“…sorry.” I scrub my face with my hand. “I’m a little stressed is all.” _And irritable. And horny. It’s been two weeks since I’ve gotten any._

“Well, what is it?” Ed picks up the decorative dish my mother insisted I needed and eyes it curiously.

“Just everything happening all at once you know? Finals, new job, life…”

“Nick?”

“That too…well, mainly that. And then trying to convince the rents that I am…just A-Okay.”  

“I hear you.” He switches seats, sits right next to me. “If you need anything let me know. I’m always here for you.”

“Thanks…I appreciate it.” I slam the book shut unable to stare at the tiny print any longer. “He turned everything upside down, you know? Just ended shit out of the blue.”

“Honestly, Harry, he’s been cold towards you for a while now, you simply chose to ignore it. Don’t lie to yourself.”

“I’m not! He wasn’t _cold_ either he needed space to study.” _He was more than cold…_      

“Oh please! He ignored you for days, holed himself up in the library! Remember back in January a few days before your birthday? He didn’t even come with us to celebrate! And then, he did it again in April for an entire _week_! He even slept at his friend’s house, claimed it was closer! You came running to my dorm every night!” I cringe at the recollection, remember exactly how I felt, how empty I was. _He doesn’t love me_. “AND-”

“I get it!!! Enough, Jesus. I get it. Fine I was a mess, alright?” I place my _bare_ feet on the table, stretch my limbs out. “He was a dick in the end. I guess he wanted to focus on other things…”

“Yeah…other dicks is more like it…” Ed whispers.

“He didn’t cheat on me.” I chug my beer. “Nick did not cheat!”

“You’re allowed to be upset, but do not take this out on me. If you’re angry, I suggest you speak to him yourself.”

“I’m sorry…” I cuddle next to him, place my head on his shoulder. “You’re only trying to help me.”

“I am always here for you.”

“I know I know…I just need the reassurance occasionally.”

“Occasionally?” He snorts. “Sure…” He checks his watch. “It’s late. I need to head back and finish up my project. It’s due in two days.” He pats my cheek. “Anything you need, I’m here.” I give him a quick side hug.

“Let’s get together soon?”

“Of course! We need to head over to that new bar in the village.”

“Sure. Let me know?”

“Yes! I’ll text you when I get back to the dorm.”

“Thank you again.”

“Yeah yeah…just take my advice and reach out to him? He may have the answers you’re looking for.” He leaves and soon I am back to studying, praying for a good night’s sleep.

.

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.

.

I decided to go to the Starbucks by my office again, you know because the coffee stays colder and it lasts longer and I am able to enjoy it and not worry about…

Okay no that’s not what _actually_ happened. I forgot to put on boxers this morning and only realized I was commando when I was a block from the subway entrance. So needless to say, I had to return home which resulted in me missing my _earlier_ train once again. It was a good run though because I almost had it, was almost completely put together. But it’s these minor details I need to hash out I think.

 _I’ll get it eventually_.

I make it to the barista and place my order and head to the spot I was standing in yesterday. The man is there again, this time in suit pants, a black button down, and a bright green tie hanging around his neck. His hair is still styled in the comb over which leads me to conclude this is his _regular_ do. _I can live with that. Sure._

“Shit, he’s so beautiful.” I mumble to myself. I sneak a glance at him again and note a badge hanging from his belt loop, a company key card of some sort, or ID. I catch his name…L-O-U-

“HARRY!” My hand flies up as if in grammar school waiting to be called upon.

“That’s me!!!” I yell with too much enthusiasm. Everyone’s attention turns to me including the mystery man, including the staff…including the _people_ walking outside or the entire city because that was my intention. You know…to be…center of attention.

_Anyway…_

Me and _Mystery man_ are staring one another down, eyeing the other, testing to see who turns away first. But I'd win because I am unable to, literally. His face is smooth, youthful, jawline sharp, lips soft…slowly creeping into a…smirk?! My face feels hot, my hands are sweating, vision blurring. _I need to haul ass out of this place before I pass out_. I claim my beverage and run outside into the humidity.

I am the worst.

End of story.

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.

.

.

So maybe I took the later train again…on purpose this time actually.

The mystery man is there as I suspected looking impeccable (as always) in a deep blue shirt and grey slacks. It looks like he makes a habit of rolling his sleeves and keeping his tie undone which certainly is enticing. I also notice the ink lining his forearms for the first time too and it’s such a turn on for me, such an attractive feature. _How badly do I want to run my tongue along them? Really bad._

So far so good. Now if I could discreetly figure out his name...

I try to look for his badge on his belt but it is turned away. It would make sense to approach him, simply ask what his name is, relieve myself from being caught staring at his ID that happens to be resting by his crotch. But naaaah... I'm  _always_ down for a challenge. Therefore I continue looking, feel his eyes on me, reluctantly turn my attention to his face and yup. I was caught and there is no way to deny it either. I look desperate, creepy, a little off kilter. No big deal.

I turn away and mind my own business, whistle a tune to myself, and attempt to act all nonchalant. It's working...it's relieving my embarrassment, it's-

“Louis!” I am bumped from behind suddenly, thrown off balance for a second or two.

“Hey!” I snap. I look to my right and there he is walking to the counter to retrieve his drink.

And that's when I knew...

He was interested.


	3. May I have another?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey now. Not on a first date.”  
> “This is a date?! I would have worn something different. Put on some cologne, wore contacts. I’m not prepared for a date!” He looks down at his rumpled shirt and beat up kicks. “Oh no I’ve ruined everything!”

A week passes by, my finals are finished (which I aced), work is actually not terrible, Ed graduated, Louis is gracing me with his presence at Starbucks, and I still have yet to reach out to Nick. I’d say it has been a solid seven days. I’ve also managed to break into a daily routine, especially once the semester ended, and am now properly dressed prior to leaving the apartment. 

As I was getting ready for work, I came to the conclusion that I will speak to Louis or at least make an attempt to start a conversation. After all, I’ve been seeing him every day, ogling him, hoping for him to reciprocate…At this point, I practically know his drink order! Well, actually no I do not…that’s a lie…I know nothing about him. But I do know he is hot and I want him… _in my pants_. And maybe his heart.

Sure.

I walk into Starbucks and see the line is longer than normal. _He must be hiding. After all he is smaller_. I scan the people in front of me looking for Louis, determined to say something to him. I crane my neck over the crowd and nothing. Of all days for him not to be-

I feel an incessant poke on my shoulder. I turn to see who is bothering me at the worst possible moment and it’s him... _He touched me,_ _with his long, slender finger that I want in my a-_ I blink a few times, clutch at the strap of my satchel, forget how to form words with my mouth and tongue. I’m completely captivated in his eyes, lost in the being that is Louis.

“There is room to move up, kid.” I make some sort of squeaking noise as a response as I continue to gape at him. He’s even more beautiful up close. I want to touch him…so gently… “Did you hear me?” _His voice sounds like a dream…_ “Are you alright?” I feel a hand on my shoulder, am roused from my moment of paralysis.  _Woah. He's good!!_

“Did you say something?” My voice sounds gravelly, deeper, borderline sensual. _Now is not the time_.

“I said, you have room to move up. The line is literally out the door.” Louis points behind him with an adorable little thumb that I would like to wrap my mouth around. _His hand, just give me your hand_.

“Oh of course, sorry.” I take a step forward and begin to formulate my next sentence. I want to say something to him…anything...anything that demands a response! “Such a beautiful day, right?” _I said I'm the worst. Really!?!_

“Is that your usual pick up line? Talking about the weather?”

“Err…” I scratch my head, feel at a loss.

“Has it been effective in the past?” Louis guides me forward, the contact leaving a tingling sensation on my arm.

“I…I never had to use a pick up line. I’m normally the one who…uh, gets picked up?” My hands are so slick from sweat I want to scream…they’re probably leaving hand prints on my bag.

“I see…here is a tip…it _doesn’t_ work.” Louis looks away and clasps his hands behind his back. Well that’s a punch to the gut and my ego. I deflate and hunch my shoulders having a sudden urge to crawl into a hole...forever.

“Then, what does work since you happen to know so much about pickup lines?” Louis settles his eyes on me. Ugh those lips…those cheekbones, irises, _everything_. _Come to me...I implore you._

“You won’t get offended?” I shake my head no. “Okay, here it goes…” He places his hands in his pockets. “Well hey there, I sure don’t need a spoonful of sugar to swallow you.” I shudder in excitement.

“That’s…a little forward. Don’t you think?”

“How about this one? ‘Those are nice pants! Mind if I test the zipper?’” I start to giggle.

“Getting there.”

“I hope you like dragons, because I'll be dragon my balls across your face tonight.” Okay that made my cock twitch. Louis’ face remains stoic, unfazed by the foulness of the statement.

“Oh…wow. I am assuming that one works?”

“I named my dick ‘the truth’ cause bitches can’t handle it.”

“Okaayyy that’s enough now.” I look around seeing if anyone overheard us.

“Getting uncomfortable?” Louis starts to smile.

“No! It’s just…people like that?” I am actually quite intrigued. I never had to lure a man to me, they sort of just, work their way over. It’s either the curls or the dimple. I haven’t decided. _Nick is the exception. He was my challenge._

“Not really, I thought it would be funny though.” Louis smirks, “Your turn, sonny.” He turns me around to face the counter.

“Hi, may I please have a venti iced latte, extra shot of espresso?” I look at Louis over my shoulder. “What do you want?”

“Um…a _medium_ hot earl grey tea.”

“Don’t be like that.” I turn back to the Barista, “And a venti earl grey tea.”

“Your name?” I’ve had the same woman every day for over a week and she doesn’t know it yet? “Hey Louis!” Her face visibly brightens, her cheeks reddening.

“Hi Eleanor.” He responds in kind. _Why am I jealous_?

“How much will it be?” I have to interject this… _moment_.

“8 dollars.” She barely looks at me, her attention transfixed on Louis. Is he reciprocating? _Those pick-up lines could be for women…_ Did I read into this all wrong? I hand her a 10 dollar bill as they continue to speak to each other, their conversation hushed and obviously only meant for the  _two of them._  So I walk (possibly stomp) away before she can hand me my change.

Did I fuck up? I thought he was interested? Or was that just me being delusional? I want to call Nick now, hear his voice, distract myself from this failed mission, go against my better judgement. _He’d take me in for a quickie like old times…right? He'd enjoy it...no strings attached-_

“You forgot this.” Louis approaches me, fixes his hair with one hand, and gives me two singles with the other.

“Thanks.” I mumble as I take the money and shove it into my pocket.

“Louis, you and your friend are set.” _FRIEND!!!_ I’ve been friend-zoned without even trying. I roll my eyes.

“Thank you, El. See you Monday.” Louis picks up our order. “Here.” He passes my drink to me. “I’ll pay next time.”

“That’s okay, not necessary.” I rush out of the store to the bustling street.

“Wait up, will ya?” He’s hot on my heel. “Really, wait up.” I feel his hand on my shoulder.

“Yes?” I turn towards him dramatically, reveal my annoyance. 

“I never said thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” I turn back around.

“Harry.” My name passing his lips is too much, too invigorating to my needy heart, a lovely distraction. _Say it again!!_

“I have to head to the office. I can’t be late.” I mask my interest. He knows my name…he took the time to learn my name and I can't help but feel hopeful.

“Oh, you intern?” He asks with a questioning look, his eyebrows scrunching together. _He’s so fuckin hot…_

“Intern? Nice try. I work _full-time­_ as an Associate for a startup Marketing/Advertising firm.”

“You get away with wearing…pink converse?” He points down to my feet taking in the state of my Chucks.

“Uh…yeah. I am not forced to wear stuffy suits and dress shoes like you.” I mimic his gesture.

“I thought…alright.” He clears his throat as he rests his hand on the back of his neck. “I thought you were some college student working in one of the shops down in the concourse.”

“No, actually I am working full-time and am earning my MBA from New York University. So I’m not a _kid_.” I groan.

“I didn’t mean anything behind it.” Louis fixes his glasses on his face. _Is he nervous?_

“Well, choose your words better next time.” _Calm down!!!_

“Whatever. I don’t even know you.” Louis turns to go, leaving me standing in the middle of the side walk. Seeing him walk away hurts…and it shouldn’t. I cannot be feeling this right now…

“What about you?” I yell out towards him. He stops in his tracks and turns his head.

“What about me?”

“What do you do? Like, your profession?”

“I’m an Accountant at Cantor Fitzgerald.” I pause for a moment. Shit, he’s smart.

“Wow. That’s incredible…I couldn’t even score an interview with them.” I’m in awe…really.

“It’s pretty exclusive. But I wiggled my way in.”

“No, you must be really intelligent to land that gig.” I shake my head, the curls bouncing around. I have to get my hair cut, the need to look more like an adult becoming a priority.

“I…uh, sure?” Louis grips his drink tighter. “I need to go…See you Monday? Same time?”

“Y-yes.”

“Take care.” Monday? That’s three mornings. 72 hours. _I am on a mission_. “Louis, wait!”

“Yeah?”

“I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?” I can’t help but smile at the atrocity of _that_ classic pickup line.

“Now…that’s original.” Louis smirks back as he reaches into his pocket to pull out his phone. “Here, plug it in.” I quickly take it, savoring in the feel of his hand brushing against my own. I enter in my number and name and hand it back to him.

“Here. Text me so I have yours. Like…right now.”

“Patience my friend.” _UGH that’s the second time_. I feel my phone buzzing in my bag, so I scrounge around looking for it. “I swear, I texted you.”

“I know. I wanna see anyway.” I look at the screen and see two texts. _Oh…_ I open the first one from an unknown number and save it.

“Promise me you won’t give my number out to some ex of yours or something.” He laughs nervously.

“W-what? Why would I do that?”

“I’m only kidding…uh, okay I have to go now, Harry.” He pauses as he looks up into my eyes. “I like the way that rolls off my tongue.” If I heard that correctly…The twitching in my pants starts up again. _Fuck. I’ll be walking around with a semi all day_. He clears his throat. “…um, I have a long elevator ride up to my office.”

“Right…long elevator ride…wait what?”

“I work in the World Trade Center. I’m on the 105th floor.” I become instantaneously lightheaded at the thought.

“That’s really…up there.”

“You get used to the swaying.” He smirks.

“Oh, good _bye,_ Louis.” I playfully smack his arm. _I touched him…_

“It’s never _goodbye_. It’s see you later.” We wave at each other before parting ways.

.

.

.

.

Liam is seated at the head of the conference room table as I enter, my coffee clutched closely like a lifeline. My fellow co-workers follow suit and take their usual seats.

“I wanna sit next to the new guy!” A dark haired man plops down next to me, this being the first time I am seeing him. “Hi, I’m Zayn.”

“Harry.” I shake his hand.

“How are you liking it so far?”

“It’s great. I’m learning a lot.”

“I like to hear that.” Who is this guy? “Means we’re doing something right!”

“Good morning, everyone!” Liam speaks up. “Before I begin, there are a couple of reports that need to be reviewed before the end of the day…Cantor has requested our assistance with it so I need a volunteer-”

“I’ll do it!” I speak up, too quickly…too quickly. _Over achiever_.

“Harry?” Liam looks at me. “Are you sure? How is your workload otherwise?”

“I’m fine now, Liam, sir…I can do it.” I need to do this.

“Alright, if you say so. I’ll stop by your desk later.” Liam continues on with the meeting discussing numbers, deadlines, and additional projects. It’s all too surreal. How did I end up here? “Also, we have a guest here today.” All heads turn to Liam. “Zayn, the _big boss, head honcho, the BIG cheese_ is here.” I turn my head slowly to the left, realizing I have been sitting next to my bosses bosses boss…? Does that make sense?! And he’s so fuckin young!!!

“Hi guys! I wanted to thank you all for your hard work and commitment to us. The last few years haven’t been easy but we have a solid team under our belt and I think this year will be _our_ year. So let’s keep it up! Additionally, as a gift to all of you, I want to have a company outing…we’ll be figuring out the details soon so expect an email from me. See you guys around!” Zayn stands and claps me on my shoulder. “And remember, I have an open door policy. If anyone has suggestions…please do speak up.”

.

.

.

.

It’s nearly 7pm when I finally look up from the report Liam dropped on my desk. It’s tedious…the numbers started to jumble an hour ago. I need to get my ass home…it’s Friday night and here I am, the last one in the office.

I shut my computer down and rise from my chair. I look at my phone for the first time since this morning. My heart races as I spot the unread text.  _Is it Louis?_

[N]: Hi.

Nope. Not even close. Nick needs to give it up.

It's been nearly one month and all I get is a measly hi. He isn’t worth it I swear. I drop my phone back into my bag and head down the 4 flights to the lobby. I wave to the security guard, head out into the evening and find myself crossing the street towards the towers. _I wonder which one he works in? And why would he choose to work here!?_

“What are you doing?” I turn towards the voice, feel a smile immediately tugging at my lips.  _I mean this has to be fate!!_

“Hi, Louis.” He approaches me as he undoes his tie, unbuttons the top three buttons of his shirt. He’s wearing the black button down that I’ve dubbed to be my favorite.

“I had to work late. I’ve taken over an _exclusive_ assignment that needed tweaking.” _There…now I sound semi- important._

“Gotcha…trying to impress the boss.” Louis starts to roll up his sleeves.

“Well, what about you?”

“Happy Hour.” He drapes the tie over his shoulders.

“Why do you do that?”

“Do what?” His hands are back in his pockets. _Delicious…delicious!!!_

“Take your tie off, roll up your sleeves? Any particular reason?”

“It’s hot.” He shrugs. _You’re hot…_ “I usually work this late too. Never Fridays though…can’t miss out on happy hour.”

“You look too sober.”

“I don’t get inebriated you fool. Not with my co-workers at least. What would they think of me?”

“They’d think you were a good time.” I know I would…Louis licks his lips prompting the twitching between my legs once again.

“I am a good time. Sober, drunk, in bed, you know.” He takes off his glasses to clean the lenses. _Thank god for lose fitted jeans…_ I clear my throat.

“I can imagine your time in college was _wild_ then.”

“Columbia students may look all innocent and cute. But behind closed doors? That’s a whole other story.” Louis places his glasses back on his face and rocks on his feet looking around. _Can I join you behind that closed door?_ “What are you up to tonight?”

“I was gonna head on home. This week exhausted me.”

“Welcome to the real world, ki-”

“Don’t say kid.” I point at him to get my point across.

“Yes, my apologies. Still though, it’s nothing like college life. Most days I wish I could be back in my shit box of a dorm room knowing I only had an exam to worry about. Now it’s real life, real people, real everything.”

“I’m sure you do wonderful.” I croon. _God I’m so lame_.

“I do. I’m one of the best actually…sorry that was really…”

“NO! It’s okay, you’re allowed to brag and be proud of accomplishments. Will you eventually move up the corporate ladder?”

“Hopefully. I have my CPA so that’ll definitely come in handy.”

“Are _you_ handy?” I uh…yup, have no idea where that came from.

“I am, wanna see?” Louis wiggles his fingers in front of my face with a devious smile.

“As a matter of fact…” FUCK YES!! My face must light up like a Christmas tree because then…

“I was joking there.” Deflated…mayday… _mayday!!!_

“I mean, of course. You’re just full of _jokes_.” I look at anything but him as my face turns as red as a cherry. “I’m gonna go now. Have a great weekend.” I turn away from him to head to the subway.

“Already? It’s so early.”

“Yup, see you Monday.” I have something to take care of that’s currently rubbing against my thigh.

“W-wait!” I turn to face him.

“What?” I grip my bag again to cover the growing bulge. _Maybe I’ll text Nick back? I’ll let him use me again, no big deal. Just need to get rid of this…issue._

“You asked for my number earlier and I assumed…well, you should never assume but I thought you’d want to…uh?” He falters a bit, his fingers gripping into tight fists. “Why did you ask for my number?” There is unwarranted tension between us…we barely know one another and we are already this emotional?

“Because I want to get to know you better.”

“Then why are you walking away?” Louis looks up, his eyes searching mine.

“Well the comment from earlier…you were joking? I don’t know…I’m confused.” I shake my head. Let me try again…“Want to head to Vol de Nuit? It’s a Belgium beer lounge in the village. I went last week with a friend of mine. It’s a pretty cool place.”

“Okay, sure…I’d like that.” His shoulders visibly relax.

“Great, let’s walk then. It’s about 30 minutes but a straight shot up Church Street.”

“We’re walking? I need to get my sneakers then…can’t scuff these babies.” He points to his feet.

“Old man shoes?” I laugh at Louis’ expense. “Awful.”

“Hey! These are in style! And if I don’t dress like this, I’ll get fired.” He starts to walk back towards the building.

“Wait, we’re going inside this monstrosity?” I look up and lose my balance. “Um…”

“That is where my sneakers are…in my desk. It’s not bad. Promise.” Louis winks at me. _Winks_. God get in my fuckin pants please? “Now come on.” _I can definitely cum_. His pace picks up as he approaches the main entrance. _Fuck fuck fuck fuck…get a damn grip, Harry._ I clutch my curls tightly in a fist.

“The doors must be locked, right? How will we get in?”

“I have a badge.” He flicks the plastic with his hand. “I caught you stealing glances at Starbucks. Tell me, were you purposely staring at my crotch or pretending to be looking at the card to figure out my name?” My eyes widen.

“Am I that transparent? Here I’m thinking I was being discreet.”

“Sorry, babe. But you suck at subtlety.” We enter the building.

“Shit, this is huge.” I take in the size of the lobby, now completely understanding the vastness of it all.

“You get used to it.” Louis continues to the elevators. “We need to switch cars since I’m on one of the top floors.”

“You weren’t kidding about a long ride.” I puff my cheeks out exhaling slowly attempting to calm my nerves. “I hate heights, Lou.” The nickname just comes out like word vomit…I look to him for a reaction. Nothing.

“Again, you get used to it.” The door opens. “After you, sir.” We enter the elevator and stand in silence as the car shoots us up into the sky (well, not literally). I stare at the numbers as they steadily increase...50…55…70…85…DING! “OK we have to switch here.” Louis exits first as I remain in place as if my legs are temporarily out of service. “Harry let’s go.” He reaches for my ha-…wrist and pulls me out.

“More?!” I whine.

“Did I not tell you we needed to switch?” Louis sounds exasperated.

“You did. But I thought…hoped you were joking.”

“Uh, nope.” He presses the call button. Just…a few more flights up. That’s all it is. When the door opens we rush in. “105…” He jams his finger into the button. “And…away we go!” The elevator starts to move and me being the biggest klutz, like ever, I lose my balance and _elegantly_ stumble into Louis’ back. My hands land on his shoulders to brace myself but I accidentally graze his ass with my semi. _Oh…my god, he is perfect._

“I’m sorry!!” I regain my footing and an ounce of my pride that spilled on the floor.

“Jeez! For such a tall dude you’re awfully clumsy.” Louis dusts off his shoulders and adjusts his shirt. _I’m good in bed though_. “We’ll be there in a sec.”

Once we’re at his floor, I literally dart out of the car needing fresh air and to put space between us before I purposely press myself flush against him… _Push him against the wall and touch him and feel how big he is…and suck on his neck._ I tug my hair again.

I am met with a grandiose reception area lined in mahogany, marbled floor, a modern sitting area, and walls adorned with hand painted artwork. I would have liked to look further but there is a window facing out over the Manhattan skyline that I refuse to acknowledge so I put my back to it.

“My office is this way.”

“You have an office?!” I follow him down a corridor that eventually leads to an open floor plan littered with cubicles.

“I…do.” Louis stops at a doorway, “Here we are.” He walks in disappearing out of sight.

“AH waaaait! It’s like a ghost town!” I run to the office. “Wow…this is…” I catch a glimpse of the view of the Hudson River and nearly topple over.

“Harry!!” Louis runs over towards me as I lean against a bookshelf, my face most likely draining of its color.

“I’m fine! I’m good!” I squeeze my eyes shut giving him thumbs up. “I just can’t…look out the window.” I turn around walking into the office backwards.

“You’re that affected by heights?” Louis’ voice is filled with concern.

“Yah I am. Can’t even ride a damn roller coaster.” I open one eye ensuring I am not facing the window.

“I didn’t realize…I’ll hurry up.” I hear a drawer open and items shuffling around. “Here we go! Mmm…I do have jeans!!” I look at the door noting the plaque nailed to the wood. _Louis W. Tomlinson, CPA, Accounting Manager_.

“Oh good idea…I can just-” My mind is reeling after I hear a zipper, the sound unexpected yet completely welcoming. _Fuck fuck fuck fuck….twitch twitch…uncontrollable twitch._ I take a few short breaths and shut my eyes again as Louis changes with me in the same _room_.

“Alright ready. Let’s go before you heave all over my desk.” Louis grabs my arm leading me back out into the hallway. I look down at his black sneakers and blue jeans cuffed at the ankle. _Where did this guy come from?_

“You’re a manager?” I ask. “How old are you?”

“Does it matter?” We make eye contact. “Would my age change your opinion of me?”

“Huh? No way. I was just curious because you are a manager and you uh…look young? OK sorry that was bad. I know you should never make assumptions.”

“I do it on purpose to piss off the big wig. He can’t stand the fact that I’ve accomplished more in the last two years than he has in twenty…he’s a little bitter.” He was with Cantor for two years…so he’s what… “I’m 25.”

“Oh…okay.” We stop at the elevator. “I’m-” DING!!

“Let’s go!” Louis pulls me into the car.

.

.

.

.

It’s only once we’re at least a block from the building, that I am able to take my first real breath. I will never understand how anyone could work so high up, the air is thinner, the swaying of the building palpable. It left me a little woozy.

“You alright there?” Louis’ hands are in his pockets once more as we walk to the bar.

“Doing better now. Never ask me to go up there again, alright? I may not come out alive next time.”

“I…oh.” He’s silent all of a sudden.

“What? Did I say something?” Why do I jump to conclusions? Maybe he has nothing to say…We cross the street, the bar coming up on the right. “Here it is!” I stop at the doorway. “Ready?”

“Yep!” We walk into the lounge together claiming a table in the garden area. “What would you like?”

“Lindemans Framboise. It’s raspberry flavored.” I lick my dry lips.

“What’s that?” Louis’ face contorts into a look of disgust.

“Lambic beer. It’s delicious.”

“Sure. Be right back.” He starts to walk away.

“Wait, here’s a twenty.”

“I said I’d pay next time. Put the money away.” He disappears into the crowd and I can’t help but watch his butt move with each step. _Holy fuck…I’m out with Louis…yes yes yes yes!_ I place my bag on the floor, reach for my phone to text Ed.

[H]: I did it.

[E]: Did what?

[H]: I spoke to the guy from Starbucks!!!

[E]: Oh I thought you were gonna say…fucked the guy from Starbucks.

[H]: I’m not a slut, thank you.

[E]: Didn’t say you were!

[H]: We’re at Vol de Nuit.

[E]: Taking him to our spot already? That was fast.

[H]: Whatever, he’s coming back.

[E]: Tell me how he is in bed.

[H]: GOOD BYE ED!!

I quickly shove the phone in my pocket as Louis approaches the table with two drinks in hand.

“Here ya go.” I smell the raspberries before I take a sip.

“It’s SO good. Wanna try?”

“Nah, I’m good.”

“They have peach flavored too.” I take another sip thinking of what to say next.

“Oh I bet they do.” I glare at Louis. “So…”

“Yankees or Mets?” I figure I can start with the basics.

“Mets.”

“Fuck really?”

“Yes, really!” He takes a sip of his drink.

“Jets or Giants?”

“Neither. Hate football.” He takes another long sip...well more of a gulp.

“You _hate_ football? _The_ American sport?”

“It’s a bunch of barbarians crashing into each other while chasing after a ball. No thanks.” Another sip…shit he’s almost finished.

“No way, it’s so entertaining.”

“Boring.” Finished. Holy fuck he finished the 16 ounce glass already.

“Wow.” Is all I say as I watch his Adam’s apple bob up and down. _Twitch twitch twitch…FUCK FUCK FUCK!_ He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “Rough day?” I point to the empty cup.

“Huh?” He looks down following my finger. “Oops.”

“Okay so back at it.”

“To what? Loaded questions?” He brushes his hair out of his face. “Can I get another beer first?”

“O-okay.” I look at my glass noticing I’ve barely made a dent. Louis stands abruptly heading back to the bar. _Oh boy…_ Our first time hanging out and he’s gonna get hammered? Greeeat…Maybe he hates me? _What if he came out to simply appease me?_

“Here I got you another one.” He puts the glass down in front of me. “Drink up, my friend.” _Strike three, I’m out._

“Cheers.” We chug the drinks in unison. “Wooah okay…” I take the next glass. “I get the next round.”

“Suuure.” Louis shuffles a little closer to me. “So, Harry, tell me more ‘bout yourself?”

“Well I’m originally from Tarrytown, upstate but we moved to Westchester when I was 5…” I trail off as I watch him chug his beer. Now I am really feeling like a piece of shit. “Let me get you another one I guess?” I stand but Louis clutches onto my bicep pulling me back down.

“Give me yours.” He forces me back down into the chair taking my drink that’s nowhere near empty.

“Uh…are you gonna be alright?” I don’t know if I can handle this man drunk.

“Yuh…yes yes yes.” He finishes my drink then.

“Lou, please slow down.” He looks up at me with glassy blue eyes.

“Why? It’s Friday night and I wanna get laid.” He smiles, brightly.

“L-laid?” Jesus, now he’s overly confident. “I prefer my partner…sober and in control.”

“I may not be sober, but I can be controlling.” He winks. “Watch me.” He reaches for my face but I block his hands.

“Hey now. Not on a first date.”

“This is a date?! I would have worn something different. Put on some cologne, wore contacts. I’m not prepared for a date!” He looks down at his rumpled shirt and beat up kicks. “Oh no I’ve ruined everything!”

“No no no!! Stop, you didn’t!” Louis drops his head in his hands. “Dude, what’s wrong?!” I gently touch his arm.

“Um…nothing?” His voice is muffled against his arms.

“Do you want another drink?” Bad move…

“I do.” He sobers quickly, lifting his head.

“Sure, wait here.” I bring back another Lambic beer for Louis (secretly for myself) and a giant glass of water. “Here.” I place the water in front of him. He quickly takes the cup and gulps down the contents.

“Blah, water?” He sticks his tongue out. “That was rude.”

“You need to slow down.” I say turning all serious and junk attempting to save whatever this is.

“No I don’t need to slow down! I was a beer pong champion in my day and can drink anyone under the table!” Louis goes for my beer. “Give me that!”

“Nuh-uh! This is mine, silly.” I push him away gently. “Drink your water…Now where were we?”

“You were getting me another beer that you stole from me.” He crosses his arms over his chest in a childish manner. “Bum.”

“I’m not a bum, you’re going to be completely pissed! How will you get home?”

“Take me back to your place.” The devious smile returns.

“ _MY place_? Um…I don’t…know?”

“I’m not a serial killer. I won’t murder you while you sleep.” Louis goes for my glass again.

“Stop!” I push him back down again into the chair. “Did you have dinner?”

“Dinner?”

“Yeah…you know…food?”

“Um…I left…” He pauses as if he is confused “…we drank at H-happy Hour.”

“That would be a no...Let me finish this and we can get something. Sound good?” Louis simply stares at my lips.

“So pink…” He leans towards me. “Pink…your lips.” He starts to reach out his hand.

“…Let’s go.” I slam the now empty glass down and stand. I feel a little unsettled from the beer sloshing around in my stomach but I ignore it. _I have to get him home_. I shoulder my bag and reach down for Louis. “How much did you drink at Happy Hour?”

“Um water…but I took 4 shots at the bar just before.” He falls into my side, giggling, his arm wrapping around my waist. “Oh you’re so…firm.” _Who drinks water at happy hour?_

“That explains…whatever.”

“Whisk me away!”

We exit the bar. Well I exit the bar; Louis is just sort of hanging on me.

“What do you want?”

“You.” I roll my eyes.

“I bet….can you try and stand up straight?”

“I can stand up! But I ain’t straight!” He leans closer to me, his arm tightening around my torso. _Well that’s a relief_. “I want chips.”

“Fries?” What the fuck is this guy British or something?

“No you dope. Like actually crunchy chips. Classic Laaaays. Ha! Lays…laid. I wanna get laid.”

“Lord!” I take in my surroundings. “I need to get you home.”

“I don’t wanna go home!!” Louis is just a…hot mess.

“Where are you gonna go then, huh?”

“With you.” He whispers.

“…with me. Fine…alright well we gotta walk okay? Can you try and walk on your own?”

“As long as you hold me, I can do anything.” _Oh…alright_.

This is going to be a long night.


	4. Going to California

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The smell of Louis is wafting through my nose bringing on a level of comfort I have not felt before…it’s an odd sensation really. He is a stranger but yet…I feel like I’m home.

I drop the obliterated man on a park bench weighing my options.

I can’t take Louis back to the apartment…he needs to be in the comfort of his own home amongst his effects. Who knows how he’ll react when he wakes up from his drunken stupor? And taking him back with me to my place would be…not a good idea. _God I wish he was sober_. I reach into the pockets of his jeans in search of a wallet.

“Look at that! Already feeling for the goods?” Louis reaches for my waist but I slap his hand down.

“Stop. I need your address.”

“You can ask me rather than feel me up…unless you _like_ man handling me.” He tries to touch me again but I wrap my hand around his wrist stopping him mid-air.

“Fine, what’s your address?”

“I’m not telling!!” He starts to laugh, crumpling onto his side, the movement giving me full access to his back pocket and view of his ass. I pull the wallet free. “Are you robbing me?!” Louis sits back up.

“No!! Shut up or people will really think I am!”

“So why do you have my wallet?! Give me that!!” He tries to snatch it from my hand but I move out of the way.

“You live in…Forest Hills…Austin Street.”

“Are you stalking me? How do you know my address?!” Louis is sort of freaking out now and apparently suffering from short term memory loss.

“Calm down. I need to get you home so I looked in your wallet for your license. Now I know where to go.”

“But I don’t want to go h-home alone!!” He swipes at his eyes. “Where are my chips?”

.

.

.

.

I drag Louis to the subway and sit him down.

“Wooaahh we’re moving sooooo fast.” He looks out the window, “Ooohhhh.” I smack my palm against my forehead.

“What shots did you have? You’re like…completely gone.”

“Jager!”

“That stuff is gross!”

“No no…it goes down smooooooth.”

“I bet…” I keep my head in my hands. “Oh, here take this.” I open a bag of chips I purchased on the way and hand it to him.

“YUMMY!!! Thank you.” He takes the bag and tears through it. I watch the crumbs fly onto his jeans and on my arm, watch him lick at his lips. "Deeee-lish!" He exclaims with glee.  _He’d be sexier if he were sober…_ He does it again...and again!  _Ugh..._

Louis is just in his own world…looking out the window at the black subway tunnel, munching away at the chips. I mean, I guess it’s intriguing when you’re drunk off your ass but seriously…this wasn’t what I had in mind. _What were my intentions then? Did I secretly want to bed him? Suck him off? Fuck his brains out? …YES!!!! I may be heartbroken but I still have needs damn it._

Our stop approaches then.

“We’re here come on.” I grip his forearm and lead him out of the train as he continues to eat.

“Where are we?”

_What?!_

.

.

.

.

I find the apartment, condo, unit, Louis’ pad, whatever, in no time.

“Give me your keys.” I put my hand out.

“My _keys?!_ First my wallet, now my keys?! Are you trying to seduce me?”

“Yup, that’s the plan. Now give me your keys.”

“No, I can do it.” He hands me the empty (and very greasy) chip bag and opens the door revealing a short hallway that leads out into the living room. The space is your A-typical bachelor pad: muted colors, simple furniture, white walls. There aren’t even any drapes on the windows! Just your basic blind…boring. _My mother would be proud._ Louis walks to the couch and sits down. “Join me, Harold.” He pats the spot next to him.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” I stand in the archway, my hands yet again clutching my bag. “I need to head home, are you fine by yourself?” His face crumples before my eyes leaving me completely at a loss for words.

“I thought we were going to spend time together? Isn’t that why you wanted my number? Gawked at me for over a week? Stared at my dick? Do you _want_ me?!”

“You’re so drunk! Will you even remember this?”

“ _Sit down_!!” He points to the couch cushion again. “Right…Here.”

“GRRR!!!” I stomp over, drop my satchel onto the ground, and plop my ass down. “There, happy?”

“Mmmhmm…” He places his head in my lap and cuddles into a ball, encircles his hands around my thigh. “You’re so thick.” He gives a light squeeze, moans with satisfaction.

“Uhhh…wait, don’t fall-” I hear his breath escaping past his lips, feel his chest expanding, note the way he sighs in contentment. Great! What do I do now!? "And I have to pee!!!” I whisper more to myself.

.

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.

About an hour later I manage to gently shove Louis off (whose still out cold) and head to the bathroom. I feel awkward wandering around this dude’s place but what else can I do? Plus, I want to find out a little more about him…so I search around for something that shouts _Louis!_ Maybe like a family photo, or a music collection, gaming console, movies, books, magazines, anything. _What the fuck does this guy do in his spare time?!_

After walking through the kitchen, a spare room which may be an office, and his bedroom, there’s nothing, it’s a blank slate, the walls stark. The space reminds me of a model apartment, everything inside standard, cookie cutter, _flat_. _So much for learning more about you, Mr. T._

I return a few minutes later and he is still lying in the same position, his face peaceful (borderline angelic), breath’s even, hands splayed on the cushions. I almost don’t want to move him, he looks so comfortable and adorable, his mouth so inviting...I could literally stare at him all night. _Okay, that’s just creepy as fuck_. I remove his glasses and carry him to his bedroom.

I gently lay him down on the mattress adjusting the sheets so he is semi comfortable and retreat back to the living room as quickly and quietly as I can. _Mission…Failed._ I sit back down on the couch and fish through my bag for my phone. Ed will have a field day when he hears how _this_ turned out. 

There are a few texts from him already…

[E]: Is he as big as you?

[E]: Who sucked who off first?

[E]: Did you swallow?

[E]: Details please!!!

[E]: Where are you?

[H]: Apparently I am too busy sucking Louis’ dick.

[E]: So Mystery Man has a name, eh?”

[H]: Yes…and if you wanted to know…he got completely sloshed at the bar!!!

[H]: Even if I wanted to fuck him, he would be too drunk to perform… :(

[E]: AH bummer!!! Guess you’ll need a good wank later, eh?

[H]: UGH I’ve had blue balls all fuckin day.

My phone starts to ring. I assume it’s Ed so I pick up right away.

“Yeah so, damn guy drank himself stupid!” I laugh into the phone.

“What guy?” I pause at the sound coming from the other end. _This is NOT Ed!_

“N-Nick? Why…?”

“You went out with a guy?” His tone is even, cool, collected.

“What would it matter? Why did you call me?”

“I wanted to say hello, actually.”

“You’ve said it, good-bye.” I pull the phone away from my ear contemplating what I should do…seeking advice from my mending heart, my rational self. _What would he do?_

“HARRY!” I can’t be bothered with him right now. “Harry, please talk to me?”

“No! Fuck off!” I yell and end the call. “Asshole.” I resume my texts with Ed.

[H]: Nick just fuckin called me.

[H]: Such a douche.

[E]: Yeah he called me too looking for you.

[H]: You didn’t tell him where I was, right?

[E]: What? That you’re fucking another guy? Nah…

[H]: DID YOU?!

[E]: No you shit, settle down. I’m going to bed now…

[E]: Go stroke that guy’s dick or something. It’ll help calm your nerves.

“Harry?” I hear a faint voice coming from down the hall. _Shit…must have been too loud._ I walk to the bedroom, flick the lamp light on and find Louis on his back with his arms stretched above his head. His shirt is hanging loosely around his neck, displaying his collar bones and chest.  _Is that a tattoo peaking out?_

“Hey.” I whisper as I approach him.

“I’m…hot. Take my shirt off?” His eyes are still closed. _Crappola_.

“Uh…you won’t regret this in the morning, right?” Louis lifts his arms straight up.

“Please! I’m sweating.” I gently tug on the shirt but it’s a button down so…

“You need to sit up.” I tentatively move closer.

“Help me?” His voice is slurred, the words coming out muddled.

“What do I look like? Your maid?” He shakes his head and bounces his arms. I sit down on the mattress and pull him towards me. “Eeewww you’re all gross!” I feel the dampness underneath my fingertips.

“My shirt.” Is all he responds with so I remove the button down one sleeve at a time until he is bare on top. “’Kay, now my pants.”

“That’s asking too much. You can do that.”

“Nooo…come on…help me.” He lies back down on the pillows.

“I can’t…” I start to stand but his hand catches my wrist.

“Just pull em down.” He is persistent…and completely drunk. I take a deep breath and undo his belt buckle, then his button, fly, and whoosh! Pants off. I fold them as neatly as I can and put them on the desk opposite the bed. “Thank you.” He turns onto his side and curls into a fetus position.

“I’ll be going now, Lou.” I lay the comforter over his bare legs.

“Stay?” His voice sounds breathy.

“No, I’m not staying. You need to sleep and sober up. Remember to take Advil and drink a glass of water first thing, alright?”

“But, you have to stay.” Louis’ eyes open into slits, the light no doubt bothering his head.

“Nope. Not this time.”

“W-what if I needed you to stay?” How can he possibly need me?

“I’m a stranger. You trust a stranger sleeping in your home?”

“You? In my bed? Absolutely.” His eyes close again. “I like you. Lay next to me. Keep my back warm.” I sigh at the sight. It’s too inviting, tempting, easy. _I want him to touch me so badly…No no no!_

“I uh…I’ll sleep in the living room.” I leave to take my place on the couch as I tug on my hair again. I am proud that I did not give in…but I am pissed that I _did not give in_.

I rummage through my bag for my CD player and headphones and remove my shoes. I lie down across the cushions and place the headphones over my ears as Led Zeppelin croons softly about _going to California._ Maybe I’ll get some sleep tonight.

The smell of Louis is wafting through my nose bringing on a level of comfort I have not felt before…it’s an odd sensation really. He is a stranger but yet…I feel like I’m _home_. How is that even possible? I just met him…in fact he is still a mystery to me. I don’t even know what his favorite movie is or if he likes chocolate or vanilla ice cream? _Maybe he likes Neapolitan!_ I mean basic shit…he’s just…a closed book and I want to open him up and read him, understand him, get to _know_ him personally.

Home… _weird_.

.

.

.

.

I stir awake. The light in the apartment is too bright.

“Ugh…” My throat is scratchy from sleep. “I need water…” I mumble.

“Here. Drink this.” I slowly open my eyes and find him sitting on the coffee table. His hair is sticking up, eyes ladened with sleep, lips chewed, and his...chest is bare.  _It is what it is._ “It’s orange juice.” He holds the cup out to me. “I would have gone to Starbucks but I don’t trust you alone in my place.” I frown at his admission.

“But you let me sleep here while you were completely helpless?”

“…Yeah I guess I did.” He looks away for a moment almost in thought? The glass is yet again shoved into my face. “Drink!”

“Is that spiked?”

“Does it need to be?” After last night? Yeah that sounds like a great idea.

“No. I’d rather just drink water right now.” I sit up, hear my back cracking from the movement. “That was…not comfortable.” I push the headphones off my head and rub at my eyes.

“What happened last night?” Louis puts the cup down and places his hands in his cotton clad lap. “And why did I find you on the couch and not in…eh…um…” He motions his head towards the bedroom, keeps his eyes diverted.

“You drank too much in a short period of time on an empty stomach.” I attempt to tame my curls. “I brought you back here and put you to bed.”

“Naked.”

“You had your boxers on and you _requested_ I take your shirt and jeans off. I even asked if you’d regret it in the morning…which you said no to.”

“I see…”

“Did you take Advil and drink water as I instructed? Which I’m sure you’ve forgotten…” He’s still seated on the coffee table, legs pressed together, head down, hands in his lap. “Does your head hurt? I can imagine you’re not feeling well…you only ate chips for dinner. Oh yeah! When you asked for the chips, I thought you meant fries! Oh man…and shit! You like the fuckin Met’s!! Whats _wrong-_ ”

“You’re rambling.” His eyes find mine.

“I…what?” I continue to knead my scalp, the sensation calming my nerves. _When did I get nervous?_ “I am not. You asked me what happened last night and here I am telling you about it.”

“I only asked what happened not what we spoke about.”

“What’s your problem?”

“Why are you here?” His face is solemn.

“I can leave if you want me too.” I stand up, feel the anger coursing through my veins. “Last night was a mistake. I knew I should have gone home!” I pick up my Walkman and headphones, shove them into my bag.

“N-no! That’s not what I meant!” Louis is on his feet.

“Then _what_ exactly did you mean? You’re throwing me mixed signals!” I shove a sneaker onto my foot not wanting to be in this deathtrap any longer. I really read into his mannerisms all wrong. Maybe he’s a pathological flirt? _Maybe I’ve lost my touch_.

“Stop!! Please don’t go. That’s not what I meant!” He reaches for my arm stopping me. “I meant, why were you _here_ on the couch and not with me in my room.” He shakes his head, clearing his throat. “I remember your fingers on my skin, my back. Felt…nice.” I feel a slight tug and stumble into the touch with relief.

“…oh.” I drop my bag sighing. “Sorry…it’s just that…” I can’t talk about Nick now, it’s too soon. “Never mind. I thought you didn’t want me here, at your place, right now...And don’t worry, I found out your address from your license.”

“And here I thought you stalked me.” Louis smiles.

“Nah. Not today…what time is it?”

“Almost 10am.”

“Have you been awake awhile?” I sit back down on the couch with a sneaker still in my hand.

“Sort of? I don’t sleep late…like ever.” He settles on the coffee table again facing me. “I kind of…you talk in your sleep.”

“You watched me sleep?!” I gape at him. “I’m actually too embarrassed to ask what I said.”

“It was muffled. But I made out a few words.” He hides a smirk behind his fist. My face feels hot. Too hot. “Something about my dick…your mouth…”

“What!” I hide my face behind my hands attempting to conceal my humiliation. Louis is outright laughing aloud, the sound pleasant to my ears considering the circumstances.

“I’m _joking_! My god you had to see your face!” He doubles over in a fit of giggles.

“Why you little…” I forcibly grab his shoulders and throw him onto the couch next to me.

“Don’t say _little_!!!” He continues to laugh even as I pin him. “I was kidding!” I start to tickle him.

“How does _that_ feel?”

“AH stop!” He convulses underneath my fingers, thrashes his legs about. “No more no more!”

“Say you’re sorry!” _Maybe I am enjoying this too much?_ _He looks good under me._

“I’m sorry!!!” He yells. I abruptly cease my barrage of tickles and sit back down.

“Thank you.” Louis sits up wiping at his eyes, his breathing labored.

“Fuck. That hurt!” He slaps my shoulder. “You called me _little_!!”

“Because _you are_.” I smirk at him hoping my dimple is showing.

“Am not.”

“Fine…you’re… _vertically challenged_.” He smacks me again with more force. “Hey!” I rub at the soreness.

“I’m hungry.”

“Okay, sure. Are you going to cook for me?” He makes a face as he moves to sit closer to me.

“Uh…no.”

“What do you have in your fridge?”

“Not much…I eat out a lot.” My first thought is he _eats out_ as in…well you know. But my dirty ass mind cannot seem to focus with Louis sitting mere inches from me.

“Let me see what you have!” I say standing up, heading towards the galley kitchen. I search the cabinets for…I don’t know?

What just happened?

I want him. I want him badly. But I can’t jump into bed with him. I did that with Nick and that turned out to be a one night stand that lasted 2 years.

“The big white box is the fridge.” Louis points as he stands in the doorway watching me skeptically.

“Of course!!” I open the door and peer in…it’s…“Empty. Good job, Lou.” The lone container of orange juice is sitting in the middle of the shelf.

“Maybe we can hold off on breakfast for a little bit?” He moves closer to me, again.

“I thought you were hungry?” I squeak.

“Y-yes…I am but for something else.” I shut the door and look to him.

“I-…oh. But what if I said I needed to eat?” He points to his ass.

“This? It’s all yours.” Louis gently shoves me back against the refrigerator. “I…never really do this, however, you just…are so cute.” He thinks I’m…

“CUTE?” I am mildly offended…okay, no I am _very_ offended. “I was going for ruggedly handsome if I am going to be honest and seriously? Cute? What the fuck is that-” He puts his finger to my lips.

“You ramble when you’re nervous.” My eyes practically bulge out of my head.

“I am not nervous.”

“Mmm...Keep telling yourself that.” He leans in closer, is nearly flush against me, his breath grazing my neck. I feel goosebumps arise on my skin as Louis moves towards me, his toes touching my socked feet. _One night stand one night stand…technically it’s the morning so it’s not a one night stand…one morning stand? Fuck I even ramble in my goddamn head._ _Chika chika boom boom._

“Is this a good idea?” I look deep into his blue eyes that are staring back at me.

“Yes. For two reasons.”

“Two?” His hands are gently massaging my biceps.

“Yup…”

“And those may be?”

“One.” He gently cups my ass and presses our bodies together, holds firm as I  _feel_ his reasoning.

“Okay-” I choke. “…Reason two?” I feel his hand leave my now tingling ass to grope my… “ALRIGHT!” I want to shove him away. This is too fast…I can’t move this fast! I take his wrist and shove his hand away from my crotch. “Now now…we can’t do that.” Louis doesn’t move. His face is completely unreadable.

“Is that why we didn’t go to your place last night?” He continues to knead my ass.

“We uh…no.” I shut my eyes for a moment to clear my head. “I thought you’d feel more comfortable waking up in your own place from a night of drinking? I also don’t want you to think I used you for…you know, sex. Which, I wouldn’t mind at some point but right now? It’s too soon don’t you think? Shouldn’t we at least wait for a second date? I mean! Not that I’m calling last night a date! But I really… _really_ want to get to know you better and not just in bed-” Another finger finds its way to my lips.

“Shhh…you’re doing it again.” He steps away adjusting himself. “I get it and I appreciate it.”

“You’re not…angry?”

“For what?” He folds his arms across his chest as he leans casually against the counter behind him. He looks…so good.

“Me being prudish.” I am nothing of the sort…however with him? This is different. He isn’t some college hookup with a nice ass and a presumably huge dick. “I want to see you again, Lou. Can we do something tonight?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

.

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.

.

I am making my way back to the apartment when I see two people sitting out on the steps, a male and a female.

“Hey! You must be the new guy!” A very blonde man sits up extending his hand, “I’m Niall and this is my girlfriend Barbara.” I willingly shake his hand.

“I’m Harry. You guys live here?”

“The top floor…” He grins.

“That was the loud noise I heard the other night…” It sounded more like moans…The girl turns bright red.

“Niall here is a little loud.” She ducks her head behind his shoulder.

“Okaaayyy. How long have you been living here?” I ask.

“About a year now. Your unit has been sitting empty for a while. It’s about time the landlord rented it out. And to someone as young as you! I’m quite surprised. The tenant who lives in the basement barely comes out. We think he works overnights or something.” Niall takes a drag from a cigarette I only noticed now. “But yeah so any night you wanna join us on the deck for a drink or a smoke, come on up!” I cough at the harsh smell of the blunt. “We have edibles too.”

“No I can smoke. But um…in broad daylight? Someone can catch you.”

“Not really. This is such a quiet street no one seems to notice.” Niall takes another hit and hands it to Barbara.

“We’re having a get together tonight with a few people. Why don’t you join us?” The girl asks.

“I made plans but maybe afterwards? I’ll be with…uh with someone if you don’t mind?”

“The more the merrier. Bring her along.” Niall assumes.

“It’s actually a him…” I correct.

“Whatever floats your boat, Honey.” Barbara takes a pull and hands the blunt back to Niall.

“Yah…well…” I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. “Ah, let me get that. I’ll see you guys later tonight.” I walk into the house reaching my unit and pull the phone free. “Hello?”

“Please don’t hang up.” I freeze at the voice. Not again.

“No, Nick. I will hang up.” I hit the _END CALL_ button and put the key in the door. The man needs to walk off a cliff, seriously. Why all of a sudden does he feel this need to reach out to me? Is it because I’ve been silent up until this point? Maybe he is rethinking his actions and wants me to forgive him? _Maybe he just wants to get his mouth on me…use me like old times…all it took was a phone call.._.

I strip out of my dirty clothes and head to the shower needing to cleanse myself and lets be real here…I’ve been walking around with a semi since yesterday morning and it needs to be taken care of.

.

.

.

.

I’m on my couch half asleep when my phone goes off. I look at the caller ID this time not wanting a third episode of me accidentally picking up Nick’s phone call.

“Louis!” I sit up, exuding far too much cheerfulness. “You called.”

“You told me to.” I sigh.

“Yes I did…so are we still on for tonight?”

“We are. I can come by you around 7:30?”

“Sure, sure. And um…My neighbor is having a party tonight, would you wanna stop by after?” I am greeted with silence. _Fuck!!!_

“Absolutely. As long as they’re not some old lady with five cats, I’m game.”

“So I will see you later then?” My heart starts to race.

“Yup, text me your address and I’ll be there.”

“Okay, bye!!!” I hang up quickly. “YES!!!!” I fist pump the air.


	5. Just another slice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " I am in some sort of frenzy; I can’t let him go just yet. I want…no I need more of him so I wrap my legs around his tiny frame trapping him even as Louis starts to struggle against my hold. I am unwilling to release him."

I must have fallen back asleep because I am startled awake by a knocking sound. Groggy with sleep, I stumble to my already wobbly feet and head towards the door. I swing it open revealing a very casual and might I add, _handsome_ Louis? Okay, fine. Sexy. He looks fucking sexy in just plain black jeans and a fitted t-shirt. It’s illegal. This look is illegal. And his glasses are gone. _I’m in trouble._

“ _Lou!”_ I am startled? Why? I knew he was coming, no?

“Oh Harold. Donning your birthday suit I see?” He inspects every inch of me, from my curly haired head down to my toes. “Nice laurels.” I follow his gaze down to my stomach as he notes the tattoos and gasp.

“SHIT!” I’m wearing nothing but my boxers. I retreat back into the apartment running to the sofa to cover myself with a pillow. “UGH what time is it?!”

“Well, we said we were meeting at seven thirty...so here I am. In fact, I am ten minutes-”

“Early?!” Mortified. I am _mortified_.

“Late actually. Sorry the subway was delayed.” Louis walks in shutting the door behind him taking in his surroundings. “Nice little abode you’ve got here. I’m actually surprised.” I am sitting crossed legged on the couch, the pillow resting purposely on my lap covering as much of my body as I can.

“T-thanks?” Louis turns to the stack of CDs.

“Ah! What do you listen to?” He quickly reads off a few band names on the cases. “No Doubt, Pearl Jam, Blind Melon, Gin Blossoms, Radiohead…Superdrag?”

“One hit wonder.”

“I see…mmm, some Billy Joel, Beatles, Jethro Tull…Good choices. KISS? Eh not a huge fan.” He continues down the line. “Who the fuck is Bad Company?”

“Don’t judge me.” I stare at him. I can’t _help_ but just gawk at the site.

“Shania _Twain_!?”

“HEY!! _Woman In Me_ is a great album!” I stand up forgetting about my current predicament and grab the CD from his hand. “Don’t hate on Shania, alright?”

“It’s just so….random I guess.” Our eyes meet, finally.

“I’m going to change.” I head to the bathroom. I look in the mirror and am immediately horrified by my appearance. _How in the fuck did I allow myself to oversleep?!_ I rinse my face and run a damp hand through my hair willing it to behave…although how does one really tame messy curls? I immerge ten minutes later, find him sprawled out on my couch with his  _sneakered feet_ resting on my  _coffee table._

“Ugh, _The Clash?!”_ Louis groans. 

“I like them…And what did I say? Don’t judge me.” I absently pull on the hem of the shirt. “Are you ready? And get your damn feet off my table!”

“Hey! Hey!” He jumps up. “Well, let’s be off then! I’m starving! Where are we going?”

“L&B Spumoni Gardens.”

“What’s that?”

“Whose never heard of it?!” I grab my wallet, keys, and phone. “It’s a Brooklyn staple.”

“Fantastic. What _do they serve there_?”

“It’s pizza.” I open the door and usher Louis out. “Super famous, super delicious.”

“Good!” As we walk to the subway, I feel our hands graze occasionally, feel the hesitancy in both of our fingers, feel the lack of control to move apart from one another. It's a simple touch, yet something...more, something promising... something we both fear.

“Where are you from?” He questions out of the blue.

“See if you listened to me last night…anyway…Westchester. I moved to the city for college. How about you?”

“The Island, Southampton to be exact.”

“Really? Wow. It’s beautiful out there.”

“It’s a hole.” Louis’ tone is flat. “I left the second I could.”

“Why do you say that?” 

“Small town. There was no privacy.” He adjusts his hair lying across his forehead, flicks his head. With his glasses gone I am really able to appreciate his eyes. “My high school had 500 kids.”

“My graduating class had 300-”

“No, the _entire student body_ was 500, Harry.”

“Oh. Uh…” That sucks.

“Yuh. Four grades.” Are our hands deliberately bumping into one another? “We had a good soccer team though.”

“Did you play?”

“I was the Captain.”

“What about your family?” We reach the station and I pull out my metro card that has since made a permanent home in my back pocket. “Do you have siblings?”

“I am one of six.” I gape.

“Holy _fuck_. That’s a small army.” I swipe the card and walk through the turnstile waiting for Louis to do the same.

“Well, since we’re on a date, won’t you pay for me?” He smirks.

“You’re the big time Accounting Manager. Why don’t _you pay_ for me?” I cross my arms over my chest.

“Yeah but my condo costs more than your apartment.”

“Wait…You own that place?” I question as I swipe my metrocard and watch Louis walk through.

“I do. I bought it last year.” We walk down further into the subway towards the platform to wait.

“Impressive.” It’s difficult to suppress my fond. “So…You were saying, you’re one of six. That’s insane.” I shove my hands into the pockets of my shorts.

“Yeah I’m the oldest. My mother had me when she was really _really_ young and thankfully waited to have my sisters and brother.”

“I have one sister. She lives in Washington State.”

“Across the country, eh? Couldn’t stand the sight of you?” He nudges me in the stomach with his elbow.

“It sucks! All the attention is on me.” I pout.

“Please! I barely got any attention from my parents. They were either working or tending to the kids. You’re lucky.” The train enters the station then.

“I guess so.” I approach the opening doors. “We all want what we don’t have.” _Because isn’t that the truth?_ I sit first and Louis practically sits on top of me. _Or was it the momentum of the train?_

“True. But out of all honesty, I wouldn’t change anything.”

“Me either.” I turn my head towards him, find I am captivated by his strikingly blue irises. “You look different without your glasses.”

“Ah I thought you’d _never_ notice!”

“I noticed the moment I saw you but I was too concerned with my lack of clothing at the time.”

“That was _some_ treat.” Louis’ fingers are twisted in his lap.

“No way! I’m sorry you had to see all of this.” I gesture towards myself. “It could be…overwhelming? I mean! You know what I’m saying. We just met and you saw me in nothing but my-”

“You’re doing it again.” Our eyes meet and it’s bliss.

“I’m sorry. I guess I am nervous.” I confess. The butterflies in my stomach are fluttering out of control, my palms are slick with sweat. “I haven’t dated in a long time…well no, I haven’t dated the _right way_ in a long time or…ever for that matter.”

“And how does one date the ‘right way’?” Louis makes air quotes with his fingers.

“We have to transfer here.” I blatantly ignore him not wanting to go down that road yet. I stand up, reach for this hand but refrain from doing so. _Stay in control. Don’t smother the man_. “Come on.” Louis obliges and follows me out of the car and onto another platform. We’re silent for a beat before he speaks up again.

“So what’s good at this place?” He flicks his head again, swipes at the fringe.

“A Sicilian pie. I ate one all by myself.”

“That’s disgusting and not very healthy.” He curls his lip.

“It was on a dare. My best friend bought me coffee for a week for doing it.”

“That’s all you got?! Free coffee? That isn’t worth the pain.”

“Let’s just say I had it more than once a day.” The next subway train comes and we are on our way towards 86th Street. “I purposely bought iced coffee without ice and had a fridge full of caffeine for almost a month.”

“Gotcha. Are we seeing your friend tonight?”

“Ed? Nah. He’s I guess out doing something else?” I actually haven’t reached out to him all day…which reminds me to make a mental note and text him when I get back.

“What project were you working on yesterday that kept you at the office so late?”

“It’s for your company actually.” We’re both standing, leaning against the doors, facing one another.

“Yeah I saw the Invoice.” Louis smirks. “You guys are expensive.”

“Well, they’ve got _me_ so they can charge a premium.”  

“Yeah right…” He rolls his eyes. “Maybe one day you can conveniently come to the office for a visit.”

“No way! One hundred and _five_ floors is one hundred floors too high, sir! No effing way!” We are finally out of the tunnel and quickly ascend above ground.

“Alright well…maybe when I get promoted I’ll be sure to move the office down one hundred stories.”

“Perfect plan!” I smirk.

“Jesus this is a long ride. I’m starving.” Louis rubs his belly.

“A few more stops. The restaurant is right there once we get off.”

.

.

.

.

About thirty minutes later we are seated at a table gorging ourselves with pizza and soda.

“You weren’t kidding. This is _delicious_.” Louis’ on his fourth and final piece.

“I told you.” We split an entire Sicilian pie and my stomach is past the point of full. “Ugh…I need to walk this off.” I grunt in pain, clutch my stomach.

“No way. I can totally go for another.” Louis wipes his mouth. “That was so good! Wait why do they call this place Spumoni gardens? What the hell is a Spumoni?”

“It’s the cream ice they’re also known for. It’s a combination of pistachio, chocolate, and vanilla ice.”

“I want one.” Louis bolts to his feet.

“Huh? How?” I put my head in my hands. My eyes are always bigger than my stomach.

“Yeah come on.” Louis smacks my forearm.

“I can’t move at the moment.” I speak into the table.

“Fine, I’m getting a pint.” I assume he walks away and leaves me groaning in pain.

“Here.” I look up at the plastic spoon that’s been shoved into my face. “Take it.”

“Noooo.” I whine and put my head back down.

“Take the damn spoon or I’ll force feed you.”

“I have no room left in my stomach!!! I will literally vomit all over.”

“Don’t care. Now take it.” I unwillingly take the utensil from him.

“There.” I place it down on my plate and ignore him.

“No you bum, help me eat this.” Louis takes a bite of the ice and lets out an adorable little moan that goes straight to my cock, makes the butterflies in my stomach come to life along with my insatiable libido. I cannot help the images in my mind. “Wow! That’s awesome!!!” He shovels more into his mouth. “I need to buy a couple of pints!”

“Can you make that noise again?” I whisper as I stare intently at his mouth.

“Yes.” Louis winks and a shiver radiates up my spine. _God he's perfect_. “And so will you.” Now I’m officially hard _._

“Okay.” I take a single spoonful of ice to inadvertently catch a taste of Louis. “I guess this was a success.”

“I’ll pick the next place.” Louis scrapes the bottom of the cup. “Maybe something more formal.”

“I prefer casual dining.”

“This was perfect. But it’s my turn to impress.” He throws the cup away. “It’s 9:30. When does your friend’s party end?”

“No idea actually. They live on the top floor of my building so I guess it wouldn’t matter when we get there.”

“Alright, well let’s go then. Don’t want to be rude.” He grabs my elbow pulling me to my feet.

.

.

.

.

We arrive at the brownstone and music can be heard from above.

“Right on time!” I lead him up the steps and inside _._

“Harry?” His tone is soft, timid.

“Yeah?” I face him.

“I forgot something in your apartment.” He flushes.

“Oh…? You did?” I cannot recall him leaving anything but then again he was lounging all over my furniture.

“Mmmhmm. I did. Right on the coffee table.” I quickly unlock the door.

“What was it-” I am shoved into the room with enough force to nearly knock me off balance. I attempt to turn my head to defend myself but he’s on me in an instant. I am momentarily paralyzed when he plants a kiss on my lips, entraps me in his hold, sucks feverishly at my mouth and tongue. I eventually awaken and return the favor, pick up the momentum and move fluidly against him. My hands circle around his waist and tug his body against my own.

The kiss feels urgent, not rushed, but calculated, deliberate as if this entire evening was carefully planned. Was this Louis’ intention the entire time? To kiss me? To fuck me? Does he just want a quick lay and done? I mean, he did mention _the next time_ so I can only assume he wants more. But the distressing thought lingers even though I am enjoying his sweetness because what if this is temporary?

We eventually move back towards the sofa, continue to kiss rather sloppily as we do so, feel the other one out with gentle touches and inquiring fingers. It’s stimulating my libido, enticing my already twisted mind to take this further. To…fuck. I want him under me, begging, screaming, crying out my fucking name as I take him-

_What am I doing?!_

We collapse into the cushions and suddenly I am lying flat with Louis between my legs.

He lightly runs his fingertips down my torso, cups me gently between my legs, leaves me breathless and panting for more. I involuntarily buck my hips up into his palm seeking the friction my deprived cock is seeking…what _I’m_ pining for but his hand disappears then. _Not yet?!_ _Then…when!_ We continue to kiss and explore until our lips are swollen, the desire to take this further itching beneath my skin. I want to touch him now, jerk him off, watch him come undone before my eyes.

Show him what he's missing.

Louis starts to pull away though, halts my plans in its tracks, kills my intentions to continue. How? No! We're so close!

So I force him back to me and deepen the kiss, taste every last inch of his mouth I am able to reach. I am in some sort of frenzy; I can’t let him go just yet. I want…no _I need_ more of him so I wrap my legs around his tiny frame trapping him between my torso and legs. He is struggling to free himself, pushing against my chest… _I can’t!! Not yet!_ I am unwilling to release him. _I want you. I need you!_

A stinging sensation on my tongue makes me pause, drops me back down to earth, back to reality, back to my living room. _Fuck._

“Shit, Harry!” Louis gasps. “I couldn’t breathe!” He playfully slaps my shoulder but I can hardly comprehend what he said. I try to sit up but Louis is deadweight in my lap.

“I have to stand up.” My voice is shaky, borderline hysterical, so close to breaking down because I lost control. I feel a bead of sweat slide down my temple and into my hairline. _I need…I need space_. I push him more vehemently. “Let me up.” I can’t do this right now. I have to get some fresh air.

“What? You’re the one who-” Louis attempts to start but I push until he lands on his butt. “Did I do something wrong?” He asks apprehensively.

“No! I just…” I can’t become obsessed. Nick was my fixation, my drug, my fuckin existence for so long that he nearly destroyed me when we broke up. “I need to smoke.” I am back on my feet within seconds and rush to the kitchen to grab my lighter and a joint.

“Wait but-” I run from the apartment. “Hey! Wait!!”

I feel tears prickle at my eyes as I pick up my speed, find the misery creeping its way up from my abdomen and into my throat. I involuntarily lick at my lips and _fuck,_ he’s all over me. His taste has saturated into my skin, seeped past my walls and into the darkest depths of my soul…the unstable side of my personality, the part of me that loses control. _I have to fuck him. Now. Right now. I don’t care…I don’t care! I can take him on any surface, any room, any-_

_No no no!_

I refuse to let myself become infatuated. I wanted Nick _all of the time_ even when I knew he never wanted to be involved with me emotionally. I let him use me until I was spent and left pleading for more on my hands and knees. It was a harsh reality I was willing to accept if it meant I would get another night with him, get his full attention, be in his arms and savoring in his touch. However, now that I look back on it, I think he enjoyed my dependency and attention, liked dragging me along like some sort of pet. To him, I was a plaything that lacked feeling and went along for the ride, an object ready and willing when _he was_ , open and available. Fuck, he was so wrong though…and it killed me that he couldn’t see it, discounted my pain, witnessed me breaking right before his eyes. I loved him and I did anything to please him.

Anything to make him notice me.

I make it to the park and sit down on the wall overlooking the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway and light up.

“What the fuck!” Louis’ footfalls smack against the pavement. “I’ve been calling your name. What is wrong with you?” He's next to me now. “First you’re all confused by my compulsion, than you’re all for it barely letting me go. And now you’re lighting up a joint to what?”

“I need to calm my nerves.” I bring the joint to my lips taking in an impossibly long drag allowing the smoke to fill my lungs. “Just give me a minute.” I choke out and exhale slowly. I continue to puff away, allow the drug to squash down my negativity and doubts.

“Give me that!” Louis takes the blunt from between my fingers.

“No!” I lunge forward to take it back but I lose my balance and collapse to the ground. “Owe!” I shout. I look up at his satisfied face.

“What if I wanted some?” He puts the joint to his lips and goes to inhale.

“I don’t care!” I jump to my feet and reach to claim what’s rightfully mine.

“Explain.” Louis backs away avoiding my hand.

“I do not have to explain myself to you. I barely know you.” He flinches.

“Uhm. Wow okay.” He drops the joint to the ground and proceeds to stomp it out.

“What the _hell_! That was expensive!” I shout. I’m on edge, I’m horny, I’m ready to _fuck you_ and you destroyed my…only way out. My escape.

“Who gives a flying fuck about the weed, alright? What happened? I know we’ve just met but this isn’t you. Was I out of line? I’m sorry if I offended you.”

“No!! I just…I tend to…I…” I grip my curls. “It’s what I’m used to.” I admit. “I liked it.”

“Wait you’re…used to that kind of behavior?” He falters a moment. “Seriously?”

“Yes, it is. I’ll tell you about it one day, just not now.” I say. “I need time.”

“And I will give you as much as you need. I don’t want to rush you into anything you’re not comfortable doing. Although I've wanted to do that since the first day I saw you walk into Starbucks.” He cups my cheek. "Those lips." 

“…really?” My heart flutters in my chest. “You noticed me from then?”

“You’re hard to miss.” He hops onto the wall. “You’re such a klutz.” He winks and turns to face the city

“Thankyou.” I roll my eyes. “Had to just point out the flaws there.” I join him, feel my nerves subsiding.

“Someone has to keep that ego of yours in check.” He slides his hand around my lower back.

“You can. I don’t mind.” I glance at him, watch him flick his head, see his eyes light up from the cityscape before us.

“You have a clear shot of my office building.”

“It’s not normal to be able to see your office from so far away.” He tickles the skin just above my jeans.

“I suppose. I wanted a job and if it meant working in the tallest skyscraper in the city, so be it.” He shrugs.

We’re silent for a beat, taking in the warm air.  _Now is the time to say something cliche._

“You didn’t have to apologize before. I should be the one saying sorry for getting all weird and junk. You just…taste really good.”

“I get that a lot.” Louis wiggles his eyebrows.

“What? Like how often?!”

“I’m _kidding_.” I feel my cheeks redden.

“Well, you shouldn’t joke about stuff like that! Makes you sound like a man-whore.” I wink at him.

“Nah, I only fuck on the third date.” He quips. He looks even more beautiful than before, especially without the glasses and even more so when he is cheerful, lighthearted, relaxed. _God I can’t be horny right now_. I shuffle uncomfortably in my seat as my cock stirs. I twist my fingers in my lap, will my _head_ to recede, take deep breaths to- “Harry, just kiss me already.” He turns towards me.

“Who said I wanted to, huh?”

“Your fingers are purple and your cheeks are flushed. Just do it.”

“Okay. Yeah, sure…I…” I lean into him, pucker my lips and lay the gentlest of kisses on his mouth. I feel every crevice and dip, the strength they possess, the willingness they hold. They’re lovely…they’re glorious, they’re resting against my own and bringing me such life I cannot help but move closer. I wrap my arm around his torso and-

“There you are!” We release instantly and move a few inches apart. “Guess ya’ll had other plans!” Niall approaches us. “Hey, the name’s Niall. I’m Harry’s neighbor.”

“Louis.” He extends his hand. “Sorry, we just got um…” He stumbles on his words. “You know…things got uh…never mind.”

“No worries! We were heading out to the bar now. Wanna join?”

“I…um” I want to flat out say _no_ because of the bulge in my pants.

“I actually have to wake up early tomorrow.” Louis hops down to the ground and smooths his jeans. “Thanks for the invite. Maybe next time we can get together.” He’s leaving?

“Alright sounds good. Harry?” Niall turns to me next.

“Um…” I look to Louis.

“Ha! Got it! Maybe next time.”

“Sorry man. I’ll be around the next few days. We can get together then.”

“Sure thing. Catch you guys later!” He walks back to the group of people waiting at the corner.

“You’re leaving?” I question Louis immediately.

“No. It was an excuse to not go out with blondie over there.”

“Nice. Real smooth.” I kiss his cheek. “I thought for a minute you were serious about the whole third date thing!” I laugh nervously.

“Oh, Harold. I was serious.”

“Ugh…alright.” Resorting to my hand once again _._

.

.

.

.

We’re back in the apartment watching the Golden Girls. Louis’ head is resting in my lap as I absently play with his hair. It’s _almost_ the perfect ending to the perfect date however, there was no dessert. You know, the non-edible kind. _Well technically it is edible…blah whatever._

“Massage my head.” He blurts. I work my fingers deeper into his scalp.

“Wrong head.” I release my fingers and hesitate. _You wanted this you shit so now you have it! So fuckin go!_ But really, the rational side of my brain is urging me to _WAIT!!!!_ And understand what this could potentially lead to. Maybe waiting for the third date is a good rule?

“No-no. We’re waiting for our third date.” I pat his head. “You’ll just have to wait.”

“Now that’s unfair.” Louis sits up and faces me.

“Your rules.”

“I live to break them.”

“Well, I live to abide by them. So, no. I am not touching your _cock_.”

“Ugh, whatever!” Louis puts his sneakers on. “I’m gonna go anyway.”

“Why? Can’t we just cuddle? I love to cuddle.” I place my hand on the small of his back.

“Nope.” He places a chaste kiss on my lips, lingers just long enough, and heads to the door. “Bye, Harold.” He winks.

“Bye?” And the door clicks shut. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, L&B Spumoni Gardens is a real place.  
> I recommend checking it out some time :)


	6. Need or Want?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sometimes I am not so sure…I think you try to convince yourself you are but I don’t know. Are you?”  
> “Am I what?” The words come out clipped. This day sucks.  
> “Are you over Nick?” That’s a question I haven’t asked myself since we broke up.

What just happened?

Was it too soon?

Absolutely.

Too soon.

.

.

.

.

I rouse awake and am instantly greeted with the Sun’s rays seeping through the curtains and their warmth hitting my cheeks. I feel different, satisfied, at peace, well rested.  _Could be the incredible night’s sleep I just had._ Or it could be the delectable taste lingering on my lips and tongue, the smells still permeating the air. Or possibly the fact that I met… _Louis_.

 _Yeah…Makes sense_.

I sit up, rub at my eyes and check the messages on my phone.

[E]: Why did Nick call me again?

[E]: Like, what’s his MO?

[E]: I know you’re out probably _doing_ stuff…but…

 ***

[N]: Call me. I need to speak to you.

***

[L]: Am I seeing you today?

[L]: You.

[L]: Text me back!!

I have a laundry list of items to tend to, an adult life to live, bills to pay, and you know, _f _ocus on myself for a change.__  So, I place the phone on my nightstand, decide I will reach out after my chores are finished and start my day.

.

.

.

.

I fumble with the keys in the door, struggle to turn the lock as my bag of clean clothes slips from my shoulder. I can hear my phone ringing from inside too and that is most certainly not helping with my anxiety. 

"Ah fuck. Stupid...lock!!" I shove the key in and turn it…continue to turn it, slam my shoulder into the wood, will it to just- it swings on its hinges and opens. "Success!!" I drop the bag onto the floor and rush over to the nightstand to accept the call. “Hello?” I'm a little breathless, sweated. _Gross._

“Please don't hang up. I am begging you." His voice makes me shiver, his tone leaves a bitter taste on my tongue, his persistence fucking with my sanity. Nick is the last person I want to converse with  _especially_ after the way he belittled me, hurt me, broke my heart. What do I do? Do I give him the time of day? Do I tell him to fuck right off? Do I…

 _He has the answers._ Ed’s words reverberate through my skull, reminds me of the…truth because… _Nick has the answers I seek. Him and him alone. I can cry all I want but him…he’s the keeper._

He has that power over me.

But I too am strong…stronger than I was. I must stand my ground.

"Nick." I sigh. "No-" 

"Please?" I close my eyes at his begging, remember a time when that made me…loose. And so excited. I pinch my arm. 

"Why!? Are you looking to turn over a new leaf? Change!?"

"I admit it. I was awful but just let me-"

"FINE." I resign to his wishes...and why? WHY? Why did I say it? _Please. Please…PLEASE!!_ I grip my curls, lick at my lips, fight these urges crawling underneath my skin. "I am giving you 5 minutes. You don’t _deserve_ it but I am feeling generous today. So, make it quick." I sit down on the mattress and cross my legs. I take a deep breath to prepare myself. "Go." I snap.

“I wanted to talk about why we’re no longer together. You didn’t give me a chance to explain.”

“Okay?” I feel my heart racing in my chest. “You have four minutes and twenty seven seconds left.”

“I felt suffocated, H.” He rushes out. “You were always hanging on me, wanted me everywhere you were. There was no ‘I’ anymore, it was _us, we, our_ and I hated the loss of personal identity.”

“So tell me again, what was the point of this phone call? To berate me? To point out my flaws? Do you forget I am not perfect? Because after all, you are, right? You’re just so wonderful you never made any fuckin mistakes.” I growl into the receiver.

“I felt you deserved an explanation.”

“Well, GEE!! Looka that…I deserve an explanation…how nice of you to finally think of my feelings.”

“I’ve _only_ thought about your feelings. That’s why I stayed with you for so long! I never meant for this to go on for as long as it did…you were just supposed to be a-”

“An easy fuck whenever you felt like it?” I choke. “On call?! A 24-hour ATM?!”

“N-no? I don’t-”

“Why is telling the truth so difficult for you? Since our entire relationship was a lie, don’t you think you should start now? We’re not even together anymore and you still have this need to conceal everything…to protect _your_ flaws.”

“I liked you, Harry. I only wanted us to be friends but you always wanted more so I gave it a chance. The sex part was…a bonus.” My limbs go weak at the revelation.

“So you never loved me. I was only meant to be used. I stole your identity. I suffocated you. Anything else?” The tears begin pooling at the corners of my eyes.

“Don’t do this, alright? You’re young!! Give yourself a chance.”

“A chance for, what exactly? I gave you all of them. I’ve been so stupid to believe anything we had was real.” I swallow a sob. “I hope you’ve made peace with yourself.”

“No, I haven’t. I know I’ve hurt you and I’ll have to live with that. I am suffering just as much as you.”

“Poor _baby_!!” I hate that I am tearing up.

“Why are you crying?”

“If you haven’t figured that out already then you really have something wrong _with you_.” I need to let this go. “Are you finished? When I end this call, will you stop reaching out to me and my friends? Can you do that much for me?”

“I….yes I’ve said what I needed to get off my chest.” He breathes heavily into the phone.

“Well, I’m glad you’re feeling better.” I hang up, throw the indestructible phone across the room and cry my eyes out into the sheets until they’re saturated with tears.

.

.

.

.

The night we broke up, I went straight to Ed’s dorm to release my anger and cry. I sobbed into his shoulder for hours unable to come to terms with the truth, ached from the void in my chest, pined over my loss. I was convinced I would never recover from his confessions, dead set on the idea of me never being able to move on. I was missing a piece of myself and I didn’t know if I’d ever find it again underneath my mess.

It killed.

I was stupid.

Ed had a feeling what transpired too when I showed up. I thought the tears and packed bag were the trigger but apparently, everyone knew it was coming to an end. Supposedly, Nick was obvious in his mannerisms and attitude towards me, his blatant excuses to avoid me, his short temper. It seems everyone was able to pick up on it but me. I was just too ignorant and dumb…and in love to see it clearly.

I was in love.

How?

.

.

.

.

I finally lift my head, squint at the sun basking the room with its light, and figure it's time to call it quits from the crying. I’ve adulted enough today, I want to go to the park up the street and enjoy my day off, spend some quality time with my best friend.

[H]: Come over.

[H]: I’ll be at the park.

[E]: Sure thing.

We meet 20 minutes later.

“Hey.” I’m sitting in a patch of grass with a book when he approaches. I lower my sunglasses down my nose to watch him approach.

“I’ve got a story for you.” I start as he sits next to me.

“Better be good.” He crosses his legs.

“Nick called me and I let him speak to me.”

“…and?” Ed leans in. “What did he say?”

“He told me I was suffocating and prevented him from having his own ‘personal identity’.” I do air quotes to accentuate my point. “I mean really? He is such a fuck.” I shut the book. Ed is silent. “Um…so nothing? I thought you’d be proud of me for speaking to him just like you advised me to.”

“I’m happy you did. It can give you a sense of closure.”

“Alright? Anything else?” He isn’t really agreeing with me…am I being delusional again?

“Well…”

“Well what!?” Ed is choosing his words carefully...I can tell.

“Harry you kind of were suffocating him though.” I look at him dead on. “Don’t be angry with me. I know that face. It’s the truth, okay? You were never alone. When we hung out, he was always there…or after class you’d run to Nick’s place to spend the night. When we’d go out, you guys were always holding hands, fondling each other, kissing…you never gave him space to venture out.” I flinch.

“Okay, and? I wanted to be with him. When people date, they tend to spend time together, right? Show some PDA?”

“But you guys were _always together_. It wasn’t normal. It’s like you couldn’t breathe without him or something. It was cute at first but it got annoying. And the few times you weren’t with him, it was like Nick was there. It was all you spoke about. Like right now, we’re still talking about him. Can you maybe forget about him?”

“I am over him, Ed, if that’s what you’re concerned about.” 

“Sometimes I am not so sure…I think you try to convince yourself you are but I don’t know. Are you really?”

“Am I really what?” The words come out clipped. This is _not_ what I was expecting!!

“Are you really over Nick?”  _Really, really?_

“Yes Ed, I really am.” He only comes to mind when I’m lonely, when I’m vulnerable, horny, ready to jump someone’s bones.

“Maybe you should take things slow with the new guy.”

“We are. In fact, I’m slowing _him_ down. I don’t want another relationship like my last one” I sigh. “…I didn’t even know it was so one sided. This time I want everything to be mutual even down to the _bedroom antics_.”

“I’m glad you're taking a different approach." Ed claps me on my shoulder with enough force to push me over a bit. “We’re getting older, no more shenanigans.”

“I suppose.” I find his eyes. “Did you really think I was smothering though? I never intended to be so needy…He was just special to me. Too special...too...important to me.” I’m lost in thought for a moment. “Too…monumental in the grand scheme of things.”

“Why? He wasn’t your first relationship. Your first love maybe. Is that it?”

“Nope.” I shake my head, finally coming to a conclusion.

“Then what?” Ed rests his head against the wall and crosses his legs.

“So remember freshman year I was invited to my first frat party?” Ed nods. “Nick was there-“

“He was?! Why am I only hearing of this now!?” I just shrug my shoulders.

“I spotted him when I first arrived. He was chatting up some dude…I can’t recall who it was, I never saw him on campus after that night. I think he went to another school…anyway, I spotted Danielle-”

“She’s pretty…” Ed comments.

“…and immediately ran over to her because I didn’t know anyone. I asked her about Nick and she simply told me to stay away with no explanation. So naturally I just had to have him.” Ed snorts. “Shut up…anyway! I got a little tipsy, sauntered past him, batted my eyes, tossed my hair, whatever to attract his attention really.” I admit. “It obviously worked because a little later on in the evening, he spotted me and pulled me into a corner, whispered in my ear to tell me how pretty he thought I was.” I feel my cheeks redden. “Then uh…The next thing I know we’re making out and one thing led to another…and that’s when…we found a room…” I hide my face.

“You _fucked_ him?!”

“He _fucked_ me…in some random person's room.”

“You told me the dude in calculus was your first! You lied!!”

“That kid was awful. He didn’t even know where to put the lube. It took me hours to clean my ass.”

“Ha! That’s GROSS!!”

“It wasn’t funny! He literally poured it all over me. Didn’t he watch porn? I mean really?” Ed sobers.

“So Nick was your first then. Did you tell him?”

“He had no idea. I just acted like I knew what I was doing and I believe it went well. He didn’t notice.” _The floor was awfully hard against my back._

“Are you sure? Like I mean…couldn’t he tell?”

“Uh…I was 19, Ed. I experimented on my own.” His mouth forms an ‘O’ shape. “Whatever. Maybe that’s it then, he took my virginity and therefore I placed him on a pedestal, became so dependent on him, craved him." I shake my head. "And ugh who am I kidding? He was good...the best actually.” I pull my hair at the confession, well half confession. I’m still too ashamed to admit my _other_ compulsions.

“Heeey now. Maybe this new guy is good too? He’s older right?”

“Well older than us yeah…he’s actually Nick’s age…” I didn’t even think of that. “But I’m not gonna find out any time soon though.”

“It’s for the best.”

“I know it is.” I groan because how long will I wait!? _What if I want him…now?_

"Maybe pick up a hobby to distract yourself? Or start to study for next semester?"

"Ha!! Yeah right... I'm so over school."

“Alright, well you’ll think of something…that’s _not physical_ I’m sure.”

“I hope so…maybe I’ll open a gym membership and work out.” Build my upper body strength…stamina…resting heart rate-…My stomach growls suddenly. “Oh! Wanna get something to eat? I haven’t eaten all day.”

“OK! I'm always down for food."

"Let's go. I know a perfect spot."

.

.

.

.

Ed's filling me in about his new job, his potential living situation, and anything else I’ve missed. He seems to be really excited about his job opportunity. I mean who wouldn’t be. So I sit back for a change and listen.

“They let me play lead guitar on one of the songs I wrote actually. It will be in the final recording!”

“Incredible! You’re absolutely going to go somewhere.”

“I have hope.”

“Would you perform?” I shove a fry into my mouth. “Will I be seeing you on billboards across Times Square?”

“Nah, I like song writing. I’m not good looking enough to be a singer anyway.” I chuck a half-eaten fry at his face.

“Fuck you. Don’t say that.”

“It’s true. Look at me. Can you picture a tall blonde model hanging all over me? Yeah neither can I.”

“The way you look should have nothing to do with anything. A woman will love you for who you are, not what you look like. If they have a brain, they would realize that too.” Ed is unresponsive. “Stop! You’re cute, shut up.”

“Ugh now I’m cute…great.” He rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, cute. Girls like that kinda stuff…”

“Because you know so much about that.” He smirks.

“I uh…no I don’t.” I smile. “But it goes for men too. They have to realize what’s underneath…and not take advantage.”

We stay for a few more hours talking about anything and everything, discuss our future, our families, and life in general. It's normal, stress free, uncomplicated, a time to unwind and just be us. Being with Ed always gave me a sense of comfort, his friendship something I will cherish and forever be grateful for. He came into my life after my dad left and comforted me, grounded my emotions, never poked fun when I was down. He was my rock, my best friend, and he just made me feel…like a better version of myself. He shaped me.

And that means more to me than I thought was possible and if I were to ever lose what we created...well let's just say I may not make it out alive, broken heart be damned.

He means more.

.

.

.

.

I'm back at the apartment after dinner.

I reach for my phone, head to the couch, plop my ass down, and am about to turn on Seinfeld when there is a knock at my door.

“Seriously!?” I groan. “Be right there.” I trudge to the door, stumble on a sneaker I accidentally left in the middle of the room and swing it open revealing a very pissed off Louis. “What-” He pushes past me, stomps his way into my living room.

“You’re awful with texting you know that?” He snaps. “I messaged you like…5 times today and nothing. I thought you were dead! I had to come all the way from Queens to check up on you.”

“I was just about to read my messages. I had a very _very_ busy day.” I sound like I’m making excuses. “I swear. I was cleaning, did laundry-"

“Hmph. I texted you this morning and it’s now-” He looks at his watch “…8pm! Who knew it took you all day to get back to me. Will you always be like this?”

“My phone is not attached to me, Lou. I seriously had a busy day.” Here we go again…we sound like an old married couple fighting over who forgot to clean the other one’s dentures. “You did not come all this way to yell at me, right?”

“That statement is only half true. I actually wanted to see a movie this afternoon.” Is he pouting? Is he seriously pouting!?

“I’m sorry…I saw Ed instead since I haven’t seen him in a while. We can go another night.” I touch his cheek, feel his stubble pinch my palm. “What did you want to see?”

“Serendipity.” He pouts.

“Oh!! I love a good rom-com.”

“I bet…well I guess next time. Alright, see ya.” Louis walks to the door, places his hand on the knob. “Yup…okay…” He turns the handle.

“You’re leaving, already?” It’s difficult to mask the hurt in my voice. “But you just got here.” 

“I know but like…I feel bad just dropping in. I shouldn’t have.”

“Trust me, you can drop in anytime.” I turn him around, gasp at the intensity in his eyes.

"Are you sure I'm not too overbearing?" I smile.

“Never." _Because I may be worse._ "Sit down with me, we can watch my favorite movie.”

“What’s that?” He follows me to the sofa.

“Sleepless in Seattle.” I smirk.

“Didn’t that come out in the 80’s?”

“No, 93. When the DVD was released, I had to buy it. I even have the soundtrack here someplace.” I pop in the disc and join him on the couch. “I can seriously quote every line.”

“I’d rather have Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan do the talking, alright?” He places his hands in his lap, twists his fingers.

“Absolutely.” I grip a pillow to my chest and stare blankly ahead at the screen. 

About thirty minutes in I can tell Louis is antsy, preoccupied, not paying much attention to the movie at all. It's as if he doesn't care or... _doesn’t enjoy it?_

“What’s wrong? Do you not like it? I know it’s a little far-fetched but it’s a cute story.” I say.  “I have You’ve Got Mail too!”

“Do you have a thing for Tom and Meg?” He asks.

“I think they have such strong chemistry. I love to watch them together…Are you secretly judging me again?”

“Nah…never.” He shakes his head, keeps his eyes trained on the television. His tone is sarcastic.

“But you’re the one who wanted to see a chick flick today.”

“Which you agreed to!” I look down at our seating arrangement and know for a fact we were on separate cushions earlier. But now? We are touching. I mean full on, knee to thigh, touching.

“Are you moving closer to me?” Louis inspects our legs.

“Maybe.” 

“Ah…so you’ve had an ulterior motive this entire time.” And I'm not quite sure how I feel bad that.

“Maybe.”

“So since you’re not wearing glasses, is this considered a date?” I sniff his collar quickly. “You’re wearing cologne too. You are such a dork!”

“Maybe, yes and quite possibly.” He eyes me from his periphery.

“What was your rule again? The third date? But what if I was waiting for you to impress me?”

“I plan on doing that don’t you worry. But right now, I want to say this is date three and I really…” He clears his throat, “Here.” He takes my hand and places it on his crotch. “Sorry, I’m…” I give a light squeeze, palm him gently, watch for his reaction as my brashness takes center stage. _God he feels fuckin huuuuuuge_.

“No need to apologize.” This is the third date…I know him better than I thought I knew… _No NO! Do not think about Nick now_. “I need to take things slow though.”

“Need? Or want?”

“Need. I had a shitty experience and want to make sure I don’t fuck this up.”

“Gotcha.” I can’t seem to move my hand though...

“But the way I see it, you only live once and there is no point in wasting such a perfectly good-” He pounces me, catches me completely off guard, and latches onto my lips. He sucks longingly at my tongue, tightens his hold around my neck, beckons me with his touches. His impulsivity is my undoing, my invitation to take this further...and  _further_ than I thought possible. I grope him, feel his knee jerk, and hear his breath hitch in his throat.

He breaks our contact.

“If you want more time, I’ll wait but my hand is getting tired.” He mumbles against my lips.

"I...I know... but..." I can't rush. I can't-

“I am not a selfish person but fuck…I want you so badly.” 

“You do?" I whisper as my hand continues to massage him.

“You have such beautiful eyes.” He runs his fingers through my curls.

“Yeah? Is that what you noticed first?”

“Mmm it was.” He kisses me. "They were so captivating. So green. So pretty."

“Is that all?” _Um...hello???? SLOW DOWN!!_ I squash down my rational side, stroke his length.

“You’re such a…klutz.” His voice is sensual, filled with longing. “I like...like that though. You’re not trying to be s-someone else.” His eyes are closed now.

“Why are you talking so much? Are _you_ nervous?” I stroke him with more fervor, apply more pressure. “God, are you a virgin?” Louis drops his hands and sits back, eyes me with trepidation.

“Seriously?” He dead pans.

“I need to make sure!” After lube boy, I had a few other sexual encounters that were…interesting to say the least and one of them happened to be a virgin. He started to cry the moment I began fucking into him and I’m not talking like a few tears of discomfort, I mean, full on sobbing which he followed with an “I love you so much. Please love me forever.” I went limp instantly.

“Just like you, I don’t wanna fuck up. You're not the only one with a past." He crosses his arms.

“Fair enough.” I remove my hand from his crotch, place it on his shoulder and pull him closer. I stare into his eyes and search their depths. For what? I am not sure... _all I know is that_ …

_I fuckin want you too._

I crush our lips together unable to wait another minute for his taste. His lips, tongue, teeth, everything. I want it all, want to feel it all, explore every inch. I push him further down onto the sofa, place one knee between his legs, and slink my fingers beneath his t-shirt to compel him with my touches. He fits perfectly underneath me, just like a puzzle piece, just like Yin and Yang. We complete each other.

"Take this off.” He instructs as he roughly pulls at the hem of my t-shirt, tugs the material towards my neck. I sit up and finish by throwing it to the floor. I pull at his top then.

"You're next." He lifts his back without hesitation allowing me to pull the material free. "Good." I lean back into him, savor in the feel of his skin against me and the curves of his abdomen. I can't stop myself at this point, I'm too far gone, too lost in the moment. I sigh against his mouth, run my tongue along his bottom lip. "Delicious. You're absolutely-" He pushes me off, startles the fuck out of me.  _Did I take it too far?_ “God, you’re not gonna leave again, are you? Because I’ve had a serious case of blue balls and it’s becoming so painful.” He pulls us to our feet.

“Shut up.” He grabs my hand and directs me to the bed, throws me down onto my back. He crawls up my legs and starts to pull down my sweats. “I want you naked.” I moan in response, give him complete access to my body.

“Yes, please... I'm yours.  _All yours!"_ I shout in excitement. "God fuckin touch me!" He runs his fingers along the inside of my thighs, stirs my libido, entices my arousal, awakens every fiber of my being. My hips are moving of their own volition, the motion making me so incredibly aroused it’s fogging my clarity, my rational self...every aspect of my brain that is saying NO!!! “You feel so good, Lou. God don’t stop.” He takes his time, trails his hands along my lower abdomen, nips at my torso with his teeth. He pinches my inner thigh, pulls at my skin. "F-fuck...fuck fuck fuck!"

“Can’t take a little pinch, H?” I shudder at the nickname. _Don’t fuck this up now._

“Pinch me _harder,_ you fool.” _Don't take it easy. Let me have it. Give it to me._ I gently place my hands on his head, push his face further against my skin, and really start to feel the pressure of his lips. "D-don't...hold back. Don't!" I beg. He follows my simple instructions, moves down my chest, grazes me with his excitement. He kisses me one last time and removes my fingers from his hair.

"What a grip." He winks.

"Yah...yah well-"

"Shhh..." He spreads my legs and settles between them, leans over, and proceeds to kiss the tip of my cock.

"Holy fuck." I pant. My fingers dig into the sheets, my mind runs in a perpetual circle. My body is alive...and I'm waiting…so excited…so ready!! "Suck me. Now. Do it." I demand. 

"I thought I was in control?" He kisses me again, flicks his tongue out along the head.

"Ah!! You're...don't tease me!!" I buck my hips up.

"But…you just taste so good.” He croons and licks at me again.

“I…don’t care...I want your mouth on me.” I choke. 

“Is that so?” He licks from the tip to the base, holds my balls firmly in one hand, squeezes, stirs my orgasm. I can’t respond with words. I look down at him and nearly forget how to breathe, to think, to even blink my eyes because it’s the sexiest sight I have ever seen. Him at the junction of my thighs with his hot mouth mere inches from me...Wow.

“Yes… _yes_!” I pant. “Put your mouth on me!”

“So greedy.”

“No…horny-” He takes me all the way to the hilt, hollows out his cheeks, sucks me fervently with his mouth, continues to swipe the sides with his tongue. I practically cry out at the sensation, at the thought of this man buried between my legs. I want to move my hips, fuck his mouth silly, make him squirm as I hit the back of his throat. But he’s giving me a run for my money, palms me gently, thrusts his hand, pulls at my head. He isn’t giving me the opportunity to take the lead. Instead, he’s leaving me stunned. So shocked…so ready to let loose! “I’m….I won’t last!” I shout. But he simply hums against me, takes me further down his throat, grips my outer thighs as his head bobs up and down. “H-holy fuck.” He’s working me, giving me the opportunity to find my climax. “Yes…yes…do that thing again with your mouth! Fuck…just like…” His fingernails are piercing my skin, squeezing at the flesh as he dips his head and nearly swallows me hole. “God…right there!!!” I shout as the flurries come alive in my lower abdomen. It’s approaching fast…it’s around the corner! It’s…it’s…He drops his head once…twice…grips my legs, pulls me towards him, pulls with just the right amount of strength and it’s like an explosion, a revelation, a fuckin dream come true because I found it! _Or it found me rather_. I release down his throat, feel the unease of my day wash away, the issues of shitty ex boyfriends and virgins disperse into nothing…the worries of adulthood nonexistent. It’s incredible…I feel…so good.

He releases his mouth.

“You taste yummy.” He kisses up my torso as I settle down. “And you’re incredibly loud.”

“I know…I’m sorry. I’ll bite on my hand or something next time.” He lies flush against me, twirls a curl around his finger. “It’s your turn now.” I graze his back with my fingers.

“Actually um…” His face turns five shades darker. “I came…already.”

“Whaaaat? When?!” My eyes widen.

“That last moan you yelled was my tipping point. Sorry…I ruined your sheets.”

“I don’t care about the sheets. I just never had that effect on someone before.”

“Yuh well, you think you had blue balls? My left arm is starting to grow a well-defined bicep muscle from all the jerking off I’ve been doing.”

“It’s good to know the feeling is mutual.” I cup his cheeks and kiss him, taste the saltiness on his tongue. “Can we sleep now?”

“You want me to stay over?”

“U-um…” When did Nick let me stay over? _Not until you moved in with him_. “Yes. Unless you don’t want to. I’ll understand.” _Wait…but…slow down? Sleeping over?!_

_Where is rational-self? Where has he run off to?_

“I want to be with you.” _That is…wow._ He gets up and wraps the sheet around his shoulders and heads to the door, opens it and slams it again. I hear a dragging sound against the floor suddenly.

“What’s that?”

“I prepared.” He lifts the object up revealing a backpack.

“Jesus you really planned this out.”

“I wasn’t sure how this would go so I brought my stuff for work tomorrow just in case. Don’t worry I’m not moving in.” I start to hysterically laugh. This is all too much. I should be afraid but honestly? I love it. _NO, BE AFRAID!!!! What am I doing????_

“Nope, I’m not worrying. Get in bed with me.” _I need to chop my dick off._

“Sure!” He takes off the sheet, holds it up. “This needs to be washed by the way.”

“I have a spare in the drawer over there.” I point to the dresser. “Bottom.” I instruct and watch him bend over, see his butt in all of its naked glory, think of the possibilities I could do to it. “Can we cuddle now?” He finds the sheet.

“Yes please.” He throws it over me. “Looking forward to it actually.” He smirks and joins me. He opens his arms and I fold myself into him, rest my head on his slender shoulder.

“You smell so good.” I breathe in his skin, wrap my arms securely around his neck. 

“Thank you.” I can hear the movie playing from the living room then.

“I know I’m afraid of heights, but I’d like to go up to the observatory deck at the Empire State building.”

“I don’t know…I’ll have to check my _busy_ schedule.”

“Quiet you!! Don’t mock me. I had a lot of shit to do.”

“Like what? Anything fun?”

“If you count laundry as fun, then you can wash the sheets you soiled.”

“Oh…hah.” Louis is running his fingers down my arm. “Sorry I jumped to conclusions. I really thought something went wrong.”

“I shouldn’t have been so careless. I’ll be sure to respond quicker next time.” I start to yawn. “Sleepy time.”

“Promise me?”

“Promise.” I yawn again, shutting my eyes.

“Promise a second time? If anything-”

“You’ll be the first to know, okay?” I reassure and succumb to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the errors.  
> I try and post my chapters only after I've proof read them about 50 times (okay that's an exaggeration but still). It's not fair to my readers who took the time to read my work and only receive mediocre writing. It makes the experience cumbersome and difficult to continue (and there is a lot to come! Haaa every pun intended!)  
> I will ensure the remaining of my work is readable (hah), fun, and enjoyable for all with as little errors as possible.
> 
> Thank you again and I will post my next chapter in a few days.  
> :)


	7. What are the odds?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My eyes are blurry all of a sudden. I can’t focus. I can’t breathe. I can’t…believe what I am witnessing right now. My legs are weak, my mind even weaker, my heart breaking all over again. It’s no surprise I drop the glass I’m holding and am only shaken out of my stupor when the pungent smell of alcohol and fruit penetrate my nose.
> 
> I want to crawl into a hole and never emerge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
> So thanks for waiting :)

I knew from the moment I woke up something was off.

Did I oversleep? Was today actually _not_ Monday? Did I miss a deadline? Is it the warmth from the body lying next to me? Right. The body next to me. I’m not alone. I’m in bed with a man I’ve just met, a man who continues to test my limits, a man I find absolutely captivating and stunning and bright and hot and kind and skilled and-

_I’m in trouble._

I sigh into my pillow, close my eyes, and concentrate on the rise and fall of his chest. It’s relaxing to me, hearing his breathing, feeling small puffs of air hitting my back. He seems content lying next to me, is holding me close, and filling my deranged brain with false hope. These simple gestures always seem to lure me in, entrap me with their fondness, and mask their true intent. I read into them, believe it to be something more meaningful or stable…something long lasting when it’s nothing but a lie. All of it a _lie_.

What do you gain from that type of behavior? Satisfaction? A trophy? A man of the year award? What is it!? And why am I so dumb to fall for it…every…single…time?

It’s crucial I remind myself of the consequences, come to terms that if I move too quickly I could potentially ruin what we have created, fall for him before he falls for me, think he is serious when in reality he wants to simply fuck around, or worse…to cause me mental harm. It’s up to me to protect myself and my heart, tame my emotions, and understand _someone else’s_ as well, be cognizant of their personalities. _Understand what do they actually want from me?_

And first and foremost, what do I want from them?

.

.

.

.

We’re on the subway in route to the city, sitting side by side in silence, both of our hands in fists in our laps as if to fight off the urge to latch onto the others. _I want to touch you all over actually._

“Hey.” Louis nudges me with his elbow. “You’re so quiet. What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing, it’s Monday. I’m already thinking about Friday. Unfortunately.” _And I’m attempting to reason my feelings for you. Understand us. Figure out if I’m fucking up or not._

“What I’d give to fast forward to 5pm. I have a board meeting at noon today. I’m dreading it.”

“Sound’s important.”

“Yeah well, when you’re in charge of the budgeting, all eyes are on you.” He shrugs. “Including my boss.”

“You’re impressive you know that?” I look to him and his eyes, that are once again set behind a pair of glasses, are downcast.

“With my career, sure. But it consumes everything, you know?” He puts his elbows on his knees. “I’ve achieved so much in such a short period of time I fear I’ll burn out. I should have listened to my mother and took a year off before starting a job. Maybe take a trip to Europe…go mountain climbing, I don’t know…something. Not just do this shit every day. I may have been offered this incredible opportunity, but…it’s just that…my personal life is nonexistent and has taken a real hit. I never realized how lonely I was until I met you, how isolated I’ve become.” He is staring at the ground. “I guess I’ll need to learn to balance everything.”  

“You will. It’s hard now since you’re taking on the burden alone. But maybe you can distribute the workload to your colleagues or train more people to do the job."

“I don’t know how they’d react if I were to hand off my tasks, you know? Like, they may believe I can’t handle it.”

“Nah, they’ll see you manage your staff effectively, giving them your trust. Start off small…Pass along something here and there, maybe like a weekly task or help with financial statements. They will learn what they can on their own and you’ll train them the rest of the way. It will benefit the company and more so you.”

“I’ll have to see…it’s not that simple.”

“I guess?”

“I can’t explain it.”

_Sure._

.

.

.

.

We went to Starbucks as per usual and Eleanor is behind the counter taking orders.

“Hi, Louis!” Her cheeks redden. “Still want that tea? It’s awfully warm outside.” She bats her eyelashes, purses her lips, smiles brightly.

“As always.” He nods with a grin. I roll my eyes.

“Absolutely!” She focuses her attention on me next, takes me in from head to toe. “…and same for you?”

“Yes.” I turn to Louis then, loop my arm around _his_ arm, stake my claim. “Please?” I look back to her and she looks…peeved. _Take that twat_.

“Sure…” She mumbles. He's mine, woman.

All.

Mine.

"Have a nice day, Louis." She says once we pay.

"You too." I pull him away from the barista, glare at her one final time.

"Oh  _we_ plan on it." I snap and wait patiently in the corner for our names to be called.

She messed up my drink by the way.

“Good luck in your meeting today. I’m sure you’ll kick ass.” We are at the corner about to part ways. “I’ll text you later?”

“Why not text me during work?”

“Uh…um…well…” I’ve trained myself to avoid constant communication since I can be sort of excessive. “I’m afraid to keep my phone out. Not sure what the boss’ll say, you know?” I laugh nervously, shove my hands into my pockets.

“Fine, give me your email address then.”

“I…I don’t think-” _You’ll regret it…I’m telling you!_

“Write it on here.” He hands me a napkin.

“Sure…sure.” I quickly scribble it down.

“…Styles? That’s your last name? Jesus Christ.” He chuckles.

“What?”

“That’s ridiculous.” He spits out. “Harry Styles. HA!”

“What? Yeah it’s my fuckin name. Stop saying it-”

“Or what? I’ll wear it out?” He continues to giggle.

“Ugh, bye.” I head towards my office.

“See you later, Mr. Styles!” I hear him yell as a smile plays at my lips.

.

.

.

.

We emailed all morning about our days, about the work we’re doing, about…our annoying colleagues and overbearing bosses (well him more so, I happen to like my manager). At one point Louis even mentioned the swaying of the building and I nearly hurled all over my paperwork. He claims it feels like a rollercoaster, I told him he’s suicidal.

And that was that really because once noon hit, he was silent.

I continued to email him though, told him what I had for lunch, complained about the wilting lettuce in my salad and the dressing being too sweet. I even snuck in my current _predicament_ underneath my jeans. _Maybe that’ll entice him…for later_.

Oh bad. I’m bad.

In between my emailing, I am transposing figures from a report Liam gave me and am entering the data into a pivot table. However, as I continue on, I notice I am missing an entire month!

“Oh no.” I quickly scan through the documents, attempt to find my mistake but it’s not here! “Shit.” I mumble and call Liam immediately. “Pick up…pick up!!” I groan as it rings and rings…and rings!!! _This crap is due today at 3pm and where is he???!!!!_ I try a few more times to no avail. “That’s it.” I get up and walk over to his office only to find its empty...EMPTY!! I start to freak. _I’m in deep shit._ “Fuck.” I whisper as I shove my fingers through my hair.

“Hey!” I turn around at the familiar voice, blanche when I discover who it is.

“I didn’t…um I’m sorry for the improper language, sir. Boss. Uh…” Great!

“I don’t care. I curse all the time.” Zayn approaches me. _He’s hot_. Oops. “Liam actually had an unexpected meeting and left for the day. Did you need him?”

“I'm missing some information from that report he gave me Friday. I wanted to speak...to him, maybe find the error? Or if he can…help."

“I see. Email me and I’ll look through his desk. It’s no big deal! And hey, calm down. It’s alright, this is why we don’t wait for the last minute. I’ll get back to you ASAP.”

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.

It's 5pm and I'm freaking the fuck out. I haven't heard from Louis all afternoon, emailed him about 10 times and haven't received any response. I get that he's working, but how long does it take for one to simply say "hey what's up!?" 

So I drop him a text.

[H]: Hey. Where are you? I'm outside the office.

[L]: Hello. Working late tonight.

[L]: Meeting was awful as always.

[L]: I’ll call you later.

I pout at the screen, feel my hysteria creeping its way into my throat. I shouldn’t be like this, he slept over last night, admitted he wanted me, sucked me off! But damn it, my obsessiveness is taking precedence.

[H]: How late?

[L]: Dunno, maybe until 8

[H]: What happened?

[L]: I'll explain later on. I'm busy.

[H]: Was it because of the meeting?

[L]: Sort of.

[L]: But again, we’ll talk later. I’m in the middle of a bank rec.

I sigh.

[H]: I’ll have dinner ready.

[H]: See you in a bit.

And nothing.

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.

My cellphone rings at 8:45 and it's Louis.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” He yawns. “I’m still at the office.”

“Oh…that’s insane.” Dinner is cold.

“The meeting ran to 3:30 and set me back.” You didn’t text. “I’m so sorry.” Or call sooner.

“That’s fine.” My tone is clipped, annoyed, unfeeling. _Don’t do this, Harry Don’t!_

“What did you do after work?”

“Went to the gym, _cooked dinner_ , cleaned.”

“Oh when did you sign up?”

“Recently. Ed thinks I need a hobby.” _So I don’t obsess over you._

“Ed suggested that? Why?”

“Because he’s my best friend.” _Because I’m a fucking nut job._ Louis is silent.

“I’m gonna head home after.” My heart sinks in my chest. But it’s fine… _we just met. What was I expecting? I need the space. The separation._

“Alright, I will see you tomorrow at Starbucks.”

“Yes. Same place. Sleep well.”

“You too. Don’t overwork yourself.”

“Yeah, too late!”

“Bye.”

I end the call first.

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It’s Friday evening and I’m alone.  

Louis has been working late every night this week and now has to go in the weekend. I have no idea what he has to do, but his stress became worse with each passing day. From what he’s told me, he attempted to give a team member a new task and they royally fucked it up and now he has to fix it before any of the higher-ups notice. I tried to comfort him but I think I got him more upset since I can’t really relate, my advice seeming to only trigger him more. I feel beyond useless and my relentless texting and emailing I am sure wasn’t helping either…

On a positive note (shocking there is one), my project was finished Tuesday morning with Zayn’s help. It was my first major assignment that I _nearly completed on my own. So that took the edge off a little bit…sort of…okay not really._

In Liam’s absence, our supervisor ran the weekly meeting and assigned new accounts to familiarize ourselves with for future ventures. She also confirmed our company outing is taking place at a baseball game. They rented out one of the suites so we are able to mingle together as a group. She also mentioned we can bring _one_ guest (fuck). _So like…who do I bring? Louis or Ed-_

Speaking, of, I managed to get a hold of him one night after work when I felt neglected and too lonely to function on my own. He told me he was invited to some three night event at Radio City so he will be _unavailable_ until Sunday! I nearly vomited right then and there but I couldn’t let him know how distressed I felt. I simply congratulated him, hung up, and cried until my head burned.

And that’s where I stand…on a Friday night with a book in my hands and really I can’t comprehend anything I’m supposedly reading. It’s all a giant mish-mosh since my brain is too focused on the sex Louis and I are not having and all the fun Ed is having without me. It’s miserable.

I need friends.

I need a life of my own.

After about 20 minutes, of re-reading the same sentence over and over again, I decide to take Niall up on his offer and join him upstairs to maybe smoke a joint, drink heavily, and stumble in past 2am like how I used to do. I hear the music jarring my walls so I can assume he has people over and even if he doesn’t, we can still hangout.

I quickly pull on a pair of jeans and head up to his place.

When I reach the landing, the music is even louder than before and makes me wonder if him and his girlfriend are having sex. _Awkward._ I knock a few times to be sure they’re decent.

“Hello?” But the door swings open and a cloud of smoke permeates into the hallway. “Oh…interesting.” I walk in slowly and take in the state of their two bedroom unit. It’s sparse, has a 70’s vibe going on with the shag rug, rainbow beads in the window, and various multi-colored paintings hanging against the wall. They each depict a cannabis plant in some form or another…it’s dizzying. _No thanks._

“Niall?” I ask. “I need a refill.” I spot him and Barbara on the floor by the fireplace with two men sitting with their backs to me.

“Harry!” Niall throws his arm in the air. “Come here, buddy! We’ve got some new stuff!” He speaks to the gentlemen. “This is my neighbor, Harry. He’s pretty awesome!” The men turn around and this must be a fuckin dream.

“Holy shit.” Liam and Zayn speak simultaneously in disbelief.

They're high as kites too. Fuck.

“You guys know each other?” Barbara questions, looks amongst us.

“I um…” My mouth lost the ability to function apparently.

“We work together.” Zayn manages.

“You…you’re…I’m gonna go.” I point my thumb over my shoulder. “Bye.” I immediately back track into the living room.

“W-wait!” I turn to my friend.

“I’m good Niall. I shouldn’t see my bosses getting high or drunk or whatever outside of work. It’s a little awkward. Let me know the next time you guys decide to have a…dry evening.”

“Sorry dude!!”

What are the odds? There are millions of people in the city of New York and my two bosses are friends with my neighbor whom I’ve recently befriended and may have purchased weed from on more than one occasion. What’s next?

.

.

.

.

Work was shockingly not as uncomfortable as it could have been considering what I witnessed. I thought I’d walk in Monday morning and be fired for _wanting_ to do drugs? Is that a thing? Anyway, I was engrossed in a new assignment when Liam approached me, I believe it was Thursday afternoon (I just received word from Louis that he would again be working late, so I was stunned how well I was holding it together), to commend me on my work.

“You really impressed me. I didn’t even realize we were missing a month’s worth of data until you pointed it out. Thanks for that.” He puts his hands in his pockets. “How would you feel about taking on the account full-time?” From what I’ve heard, Cantor is our largest (and most profitable) client we have and to put that on a newbie like me is taking a huge risk.

“Are you sure? I mean…what if I mess up? I’ll get canned for sure.” I’m pinching the inside of my thigh to distract myself from my rising nerves and gloom from Louis’ email. “Will it only be me?”

“It’ll be fine. We will reorganize everything. I was handling the assignments but it had been distracting me from my other work so I had to give it away…that’s why I requested assistance at the meeting. It was essentially a trial run.”

“Makes sense…” I’m still uncertain.

“If you ever have questions or need help, my door is always open.”

“Okay, sure. Thanks.” I nod.

“Think of this as a golden opportunity.” Liam winks and retreats back to his office. This could be my break I suppose or my downfall.

.

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.

I left the office Friday evening without plans yet again. I’m starting to think the single life is just plain boring when it’s supposed to be this exhilarating experience. Fuck that. I want consistency in my life not a text or email at the last minute about how “I’m still trying to fix this mess” or “Gotta work late again”. I understand he is busy…his job is essentially his life but when will he realize work is meant to be _part_ of your life, not your _entire_ life? How does he expect to improve his social life when he is working all the time?!

I am 23 and home alone on a Friday. I guess I can make the excuse of “Work exhausts me” but you only do that when you’re like…married with kids and who am I making excuses to anyway?

I dropped a text…or two…or ten to Louis asking how he is, making sure his plans didn’t change. But it’s the same song and dance…he _even missed Happy Hour_.

Great!!!!

Must be super busy…that’s it. I roll my eyes

“Pain in the ass!” I cuss at my phone the moment it begins to ring from an unknown number. _Oh look, my ego is salvaged._ I feel it buzzing in my hand, hesitate a moment because…why isn’t it Louis? “Hello?” I finally answer.

“Harry?” I recognize her voice instantly. “It’s Danielle!” My heart races in my chest.

“Oh my god, hey! What’s going on?” I can’t believe she called me…I haven’t spoken to her since Spring semester started in January. She found a new job and basically fell off the face of the earth.

“Nothing really. I moved to Brooklyn and decided to throw a small house warming party! Why don’t you come?” YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

“Oh, okay sure. I’m in Brooklyn too actually.”

“Yeah I heard through the grapevine. It’s such a great place. I’m in Williamsburg in one of those new converted loft apartments. It’s really an up and coming neighborhood.”

“Wow that’s awesome.”

“Yeah! So why don’t you come? It’ll be great to catch up.”

“Alright, yeah absolutely.”

“Great! Looking forward to it.”

I’ve always liked Danielle. We met in my freshman year of college in Marketing 101. She was a Senior but needed 3 more credits in Business so she decided to take something easy and stress free (and probably the most boring class on the planet). She is an outgoing person, made friends quickly and was soon the most popular person in class. She took a liking to me almost instantly and that’s how our friendship flourished.

And here we are.

.

.

.

.

Danielle wasn’t kidding, she seriously lives in an “up and coming” neighborhood. Most of the buildings are rundown and the passersby on the street less than savory for my taste so I pick up my pace to avoid them as best I can. It’s a clean(ish) area (compared from what it was I’m sure) but it has a too modern feel. I prefer pre-war buildings and brownstones, something classic, refurbished, charming. Something like my apartment now.

I finally reach her place, knock on the door, and feel the butterflies come alive in my stomach. _I hope Nick isn’t here…_ The door swings open.

“My god!!! Look at you. You’re still so damn cute!” I blush, feel the heat flooding my cheeks. She wraps me in a one-armed hug.

“Hi to you too.” I reciprocate the motion.

“Come on in!” I tentatively enter and am quite fascinated with the design. It’s a loft style, open concept apartment, with visible air ducts overhead and large floor to ceiling windows overlooking the river. The space exudes an industrial feel and it’s actually pretty cool…

“What a place you’ve got here.”

“Yeah…the new job pays very well so I splurged a little.” She is holding a glass of wine. “Let’s go make you a cocktail, eh?” She takes my wrist and gently tugs me further in and into the kitchen. “You probably will recognize everyone here-” _Please don’t say it…_ “…because of Nick.” _Ugh…_ She is mixing a series of liquors with lemon-lime soda and… it looks gross. She hands me the glass.

“Yuh…anyway, am I the youngest one here then?” I take a sip of the concoction and immediately want to spit it out. The alcohol is burning my throat as it makes it way down to my stomach and combined with the disgustingly sweet soda?  _Awful._

“Ha, yes my dear. You are. But it’s alright, you were always such a social butterfly. You’ll manage to wrangle up someone I’m sure!” I want to roll my eyes at her but refrain. _Is that what she sees me as?_ “How are you doing, hon?”

“I’m alright.” I’m fuckin terrible, thanks for asking. “Nothing really exciting to share. How about you?”

“Doing great! This new firm I started with 6 months ago has been sending me all over the country. I am heading to Washington next week.”

“Oh, Seattle?”

“Yeah!”

“My sister moved there.”

“That’s so nice! I can’t wait…and I’m going during the warmer months so it won’t be as dreary. I can enjoy the sites…well try to. They have my schedule booked up.” We make conversation for a few more minutes when she gets distracted by one of her guests (who I do not recognize…). “I’ll be right back okay?” Soon she excuses herself, reassures me I can attract some guy’s attention, and walks away leaving me standing awkwardly in the kitchen. _This…sucks._  

I decide to move towards the windows to take in the view of the Manhattan skyline and look less out of place. I squeeze the cup in my hand attempting to ease some of the tension in my shoulders, take a few deep breaths, and enjoy the scenery in front of me. It’s just…something is not adding up. _Didn’t Louis say he doesn’t work late Friday nights because of happy hour? So if that’s the case…why is he working?! Why isn’t he with me?_ It was the salad comment I know it. He is weirded out by my personality, annoyed by my obnoxiousness, hates the way I kiss. _Do I not taste good? Was he repulsed by my semen?!_

Ugh!

I grip my hair and turn around towards the crowd feeling at a loss. They’re all strangers, all friends, all part of this one group of people I was always too young to really be part of. _This was a mistake I think_. They don’t know me anymore. They probably remember me as the curly haired freak who was Nick’s on-call fuck buddy. We weren’t friends…we were barely acquaintances! I was…I was…what was I? All of these memories are fuckin with me, putting me in place I thought I managed to overcome. _Not so much_.

God, Louis? Where are you?

I continue searching the guest’s faces and land on the back of a brown haired man standing in the corner. He’s speaking to someone, a person much smaller, whose face is as clear as day. A face that now haunts me every second of every day. A face I want to shove through a wall. A face I want to kiss until my lips burn. A face I want in between my legs… _STOP!_ I start to move towards them as anger (along with hurt, sadness, misery) surges through my veins. They don’t even hear me approaching, their conversation obviously so engaging I have to interrupt them.

“This is working late, huh?” I spit the words. Louis’ blue eyes meet mine with a rueful stare. “I can’t seem to shake the liars. I really am fuckin stupid.” I turn to look at who he is speaking with, finally decide to give them the time of day, and freeze the moment our eyes meet. How else would one act when they see their ex-boyfriend chatting up the man they’re sort of…not seeing anymore? “…f-fuck.” I choke out.

“Harry.” Louis and Nick say in unison, both tones of voice laced with different emotion.

My eyes are blurry all of a sudden. I can’t focus. I can’t breathe. I can’t…believe what I am witnessing right now. My legs are weak, my mind even weaker, my heart breaking all over again. It’s no surprise I drop the glass I’m holding and am only shaken out of my stupor when the pungent smell of alcohol and fruit penetrate my nose.

I want to crawl into a hole and never emerge.

I hear Louis speak and reach out a hand but I harshly smack it away not wanting his comfort any longer. I turn on my heel and leave without another word forgetting to say bye to Danielle, betrayal distracting me from whatever that was.

.

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.

My eyes sting from the unshed tears I’m fighting back as I head home.

Nick was speaking to a man the first night I saw him…a small blue eyed man with short fringe covering his forehead. Was that Louis? Is this actually happening? Is my luck that bad? Are they friends? Are they cousins? Are they…what are they? How do they know one another? Louis knew Danielle? He was friends…how? Why didn’t I see him before? What…why…

I am back inside the brownstone and can see Niall’s door wide open and light emanating into the hallway like an invitation… _my invitation to get fucked up_. _If I see Liam or Zayn, so be it_. I need to forget about life and I will do anything right now to achieve that.

I take the stairs two at a time and enter Niall’s apartment. There are about a half a dozen people sitting around a hookah, each individual taking turns smoking from the pipe. It smells sweet.

“Hey Niall.” I sit next to him, cross my legs, and swipe vigorously at my eyes.

“What’s up my curly haired friend!” Niall wraps his arm around my shoulder. “Wanna try some?” He holds the pipe out to me and I nod my head yes. “These are my friends. Friends, meet my neighbor, Harry.” I wave with a small smile.

“Hiya.” I take the pipe and take a deep inhale.

“Woaaah there!” Niall’s laugh almost tips him over. A woman I have yet to see before helps him sit up.

“I think you’ve had enough!” The lady takes the pipe out of my hand just as I am about to take another pull. “The name is Sam. And this is my boyfriend Josh.” She points to a brown haired man.

“Nice to meet you. I want that back.” I reach for the pipe.

“I’ve got something a little better for ya!” She hands me a green pill.

“What is it?” I exam it closely.

“It’s stronger than this stuff.” She holds up the Hookah pipe. “It’s good.” She sits back down next to Josh. I turn to Niall.

“Should I take it?”

“Yeaaah!!! You’ll love it. Barbara took one a few hours ago…look at her now!” I turn my attention towards the small woman and watch her twirling around in a circle, seemingly unaware of the guests in her apartment. She has this ridiculous, soft looking smile plastered across her face as she dances to the music (albeit offbeat but still moving none the less), her floor length skirt brushing against the hardwood with each step.

“Um…” I make a face.

“You won’t last as long…she’s a tiny girl.” Niall reassures. He hands me a bottle of water. I’ve never taken anything like this before…experimenting with drugs was never my thing but right now…with the month I’ve had…I pop the pill in my mouth, the coating chalky on my tongue instantly, and swallow it down. “I’d lay down for a little bit. It’ll help with the swaying.”

“Swaying?! I don’t wanna feel like I’m on a boat.” Or like I’m one hundred five stories up in the air.

“You won’t…trust me. And face the posters.” I move to the other end of the room and rest my head on a throw pillow. I am uncertain if the pill is working so I simply relax and close my eyes and listen to the music playing over the radio.

A few minutes later, I think, I open my eyes and take in the state of the cannabis posters. I gaze at the kaleidoscope of colors swirling around becoming utterly transfixed. It’s like the plant is lifting off the wall and coming to life, the leaves wafting in the wind as the colors continue to move in circles. It’s absolutely beautiful. Everything is so vibrant…and happy…and calm. I take a deep inhale and exhale slowly to release all the stress. This is beyond comforting. That explains the posters…although the shag rug and beads are still up for debate. _They must really like the 70s!_

“Where is he?!” I hear a voice in the background. _I think someone has lost it_. I start to giggle. I look to my right and see a bright white light approach. “What-! What did you give him!!” Two hands are on my shoulders shaking me slightly, my eyes still memorized by the show in front of me. It’s so incredibly bright, like a star. “Harry! Look at me!” I involuntarily start to shake. _Oh that’s what Niall meant_. “No! Don’t shut your eyes! Focus!” My eyes are hooded. “Get up!”

“Leave him be!” Niall?

“Absolutely not! What did you give him?” Arms wrap around my torso, grip my sides tightly and pull me forward. My voice has failed me at the moment but I want to protest. I can’t give up this feeling. The light is so bright. “Harry, get the fuck up! I’m not joking.” I’m hauled to my feet somehow, note the stiffness in my back and limbs, and am directed towards the door. I turn back around to the poster for one last glance at the color. “That was a dumb move.”

“A-are you an Angel?” I mumble. The bright light has not taken shape. It’s like I’m staring into the heavens on a cloud made of cotton candy. “Am I dead? Did I die? Are you taking me-”

“Shut up!! You’re not fuckin dead.” I am tugged further down…down down…

“Am I going to hell? Are you the devil pretending to be-”

“For God’s sake, Harry! What the fuck did he give you?!”

“Green pill. Don’t know what it was.” I stumble into the…blob next to me?

“Great. Ugh you’re so irresponsible.” We stop abruptly.

“Wow…is this what…hell looks like?” I reach in front of me towards the door. “I know this.” I tap the wood. “Oh.”

“Yeah, you idiot. Give me your fuckin keys.” I continue to stare at the wall as the vibrancy starts to fade, everything that was once bright, now turning dull. “Get in!” I am pushed through an entryway into a familiar place.

“Hell looks like my living room.” I am pushed towards the window and thrown down onto something plush. “Woah…woah.”

“I’m getting you water.” The now once bright light walks away, a form starting to take shape right before me. I realize it’s not a bright light, blob thing, but a person. A man. I close my eyes, scrunch them shut to focus. “No!!! No, no, no! Open up!” I feel a sting on my cheek. “Harry!!” More stinging. I open my eyes and am met with incredibly brilliant blue orbs. _I thought the drug was wearing off?_ “Thank goodness.” He looks relieved? “Don’t sleep yet. Here eat this.” Something small and round is shoved into my face.

“What is it?” I croak.

“A bagel. Now chew. You need to eat something.”

“I’m not hungry, I don’t want it!” I push the…circle thing out of my face. The room is spinning, the color leaden. The happiness that consumed me temporarily is slowly draining from my pores as sorrow takes its place. The bright light is gone, I am completely barren. “Oh god…” I plead.

“Harry, you have to eat.” I hate the sound of my name. I hate everything. I hate this room, the curtains, the material of the shirt I’m wearing, this person in front of me, my life. “Just take a small bite. Please!!” I turn my head away to avoid whatever is being shoved into my face. “I’m going to force feed you. It’ll make you feel better, I promise.”

“I’ve been promised a lot of things and they’ve all turned to lies!” My voice is coming out raspy, devoid of any emotion.

“Come on now…that’s not true.” I feel a soothing hand running the length of my arm.

“Get off me!” I shake him off. “Go away.”

“Not until you eat half of this bagel.”

“I’m not doing anything!!! I don’t trust you. Go away!!!” I turn my entire body over but am unwillingly pushed onto my back. My nose is pinched shut then, mouth filled with what I assume is a piece of the bread.

“Chew!” I whip my hands out to knock him off as my body starves for oxygen. “Just chew, damn it.” I do as instructed and swallow. “Good. Now here is another bite.” Before I could stop him another piece is shoved in…and another…and a third! “A few more. That’s right just…chew.” He’s tenacious, heavy, really getting on my fuckin nerves! “Good. You’re done.”

“Now get the fuck off of me!” I shove Louis off with as much strength as I can muster. “Leave. Just get out. Get. OUT!” I point towards the door as tears roll down my cheeks. The night has turned to shit and my mood went with it. He is the last person I want to see.

“Why would you do that, huh?” Louis is standing over me lecturing me like I am some child. “We need to figure out what Niall gave you. That shit could have been laced with something.”

“Don’t care.” I turn away from him, face the window. I tuck my hands under the pillow, curl my knees into my chest. I want the world to disappear. _Ugh where is the color?_

“Whatever. I’ve been looking for you for almost 4 hours and there I find you sprawled out on the floor staring into space like a vegetable.” He huffs and puffs but I simply ignore him. I start to feel my palms sweat under the pillow. Now that I think about it, my entire body is sweating.

“I need to shower.” I stand abruptly, almost knock into the wall, feel my stomach clenching. “I don’t feel good.” I hold my tummy.

“That’s what you get for being stupid.”

“No it’s the fuckin bagel you made me eat. Why are you still here?” I keep a hand on the wall as I walk towards the bathroom.

“I’m making sure you’re okay.” Louis follows close behind. “Danielle was worried when you left without saying anything to her. She said it’s not like you to do that.”

“When one is in shock, they tend to act on impulse. Fight or flight. I guess I fled like a goddamn pussy.” I manage to make my way to the bathroom. My stomach turns over as nausea tingles in my cheeks. “Oh no.”

“What?!” Louis is at my side in a second. My body temperature is rising, my brain is exhausted, my heart pained. “Harry, you’re really warm.” He’s touching my cheek and forearm, keeping me steady. He drags me into the bathroom, sits me down on the tile, and starts the shower. “Try and take off your shirt, okay?” I am watching him intently forgetting the task at hand. Louis is taking care of me. Louis lied. Louis was speaking to Nick-

“How do you know N-Nick?” I blurt out. “Why did you lie to me? Why are you still here?” I’m gripping the hem of my shirt.

“That’s a conversation for tomorrow.” He slips the shirt over my head. “Come. You can’t wear your pants in the shower.”

“But you’ll see me naked.” I pout.

“I already have.”

“Oh…right. You sucked me off.”

“I did. And I thoroughly enjoyed it.

“Oh…”

I am under the cool spray allowing the water to shower down my appendages and soak through my hair. It’s the best I’ve felt all week besides whatever drug I took. _Must have had a shitty week_.

“How did you find me?” I mumble as I continue to stand under the water.

“You left Danielle’s and I wanted to follow you but I figured you would need space to…sort things through. I texted you and called a bunch of times but when I didn’t get a response, I showed up here making sure you were okay.” He’s watching my every move. I want to say this is creepy but honestly? I want his eyes on me. “I waited outside the apartment for a long time thinking you’d be arriving back any minute.” He flicks his head “But you didn’t. After an hour or so I decided to head to Niall’s seeing if he saw you. Oh, you’re starting to turn blue.” He shuts the water off and hands me a towel from behind the door. “I’ll help you settle in.” I dry off quickly and wrap the towel around my waist.

“What time is it?” I head to bed forgetting about boxers.

“Nearly 3am.”

“What?!” I fall into the sheets, feel the exhaustion overtaking my limbs.

“Yes. It’s been a long night.” He pulls the towel from around my waist ignoring my lack of clothing and drapes the sheet over me.

“I need answers from you tomorrow.” I mumble.

“You’ll get them.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

And I’m out.

 

 

 


	8. Take Your Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I am explaining myself to you because I want to try again, go on our fourth date, forget about exes, jobs, life, and focus on what we have right here.” He reaches for me again. “Please?” His eyes are beguiling, pulling me into him, giving me a reason to move on and try again.
> 
> “Yes.” I nod, feel a modicum of reassurance, a pang of jealousy mixed with relief, a burning sensation in my stomach from the secret I am stifling.

_What the fuck happened?_

_Why is my body on fire?_

_Why does my head feel like it's stuck in a vice?_

I scrunch my eyes closed as the light creeps its way in. It hurts...everything just-

“H-Harry?” I flinch slightly at the voice. _Not now…please I beg of you._ I roll my face into the pillow, cut off my air supply, ignore the world surrounding me. “I know you’re awake.” No…No…No. “Do you want a drink?” _A drink?! I want a new head_. “I can get you water or seltzer? A beer? Come on.” There’s a gentle touch on my shoulder. I recoil, feel a residual sting from the pressure of his hand. “I know you’re not feeling well but don’t do this right now. I have to make sure you don’t need to go to the emergency room.”

“N-n-o.” I croak out. The dryness in my throat is serious, it's like sandpaper.

“Turn over.” I am being pushed to my side, forced over onto my back. But no! I don’t _want_ to move so I throw my hand out into the air, smack (what I believe to be) Louis’ head on accident. “Owe!” He snatches my wrist and shoves it to the bed. “I will leave when you’re fully awake and sitting up.” That won’t be possible…because I am not moving from this position unless I have to pee or vomit or both. I moan a NO. “Goddamn it, Harry. I don’t have time for your shit. Turn the _fuck_ over.” My brain is about to explode from sensory overload. “I’m exhausted.” His voice is weak, strained. _So!? I am too…exhausted of your shit._

I clear my throat to speak but I begin coughing violently instead. I am expelling more oxygen then I am able to take in, quaking from head to toe, squashing down my nausea…what’s happening?! I can’t see past the tears in my eyes or attempt to steady my breathing.

“It’s okay…” His voice is a song, a sweet melody to my ears, a lovely tune I want to listen to on repeat for years to come. He sounds so sincere, genuinely concerned, so... anxious. "Harry, calm down. It's okay." I let him pull me up, allow his fingers to touch my skin and rub my back. He feels heavenly if I’m honest. "That's right." I begin to relax, gain some of my composure, feel the cough subsiding. "Almost." He rests his chin on my shoulder, continues to caress his fingers up and down my spine. I place my head in my hands then, realize just how much he affects me, how much I adore his being. “Better?” I nod once, ignore the hand that's slowly trailing up my back. "Good. Here, drink this. I made tea last night and chilled it.” I crack an eye lid open and note the coffee mug. I remove my hands from my face, take the cup without much thought and tentatively take a sip. It’s bland. “That should help your throat.” He’s massaging my neck now while watching me drink, watching...my every move as if I’m a fragile piece of porcelain.

“T-thanks.” I manage eventually. I drop the empty mug on the mattress and lean over my legs, hang my head, feel the rush of blood surging to my face. "Ugh..." I moan.

“I have pain killers too. Take these?” He places two pills in my palm and procures a glass of water from the nightstand. I easily swallow them back and will my brain to start functioning. What happened last night? What…was I doing?

_Louis was working._

_Danielle's house._

_Louis was talking to Nick._

_Green pill._

_Louis lied to me._

_LIED._

_L-I-E-D._

_He was supposed to be working!!_

I shy away from his touch as the night begins to piece back together. I don't want…him near me. He lied.

“I’m up.” I announce.

“Yes, you are.” He stands from the bed, encircles his arms around his tiny frame, fails to mask his dejection. “The….um Advil should kick in soon.” He mutters. “You’ll feel like new in no time.” I nod.

“Alright.” I divert my gaze, feel the unease in the pit of my fucked up stomach, have this sudden urge to lash out at him, force the ache I’m feeling on him. I shouldn’t be the one falling to pieces…he should! Him!! NOT ME! He lied to me while I was transparent…so obvious in my feelings and affection towards him…attentive…so willing to make things work! But him?! No, he fucking did this. Him… _him!!_

I begin to cry at the truth, find my will to fight dissipating, feel my control dwindling, so exhausted I can barely keep my head up. I weep into my hands, feel every sob choke me, every hiccup as it passes my lips. Why?

“Don’t cry.” He pleads. “Please-”

“F-fuck you.” I grunt. “Go. I don’t want...want you...”  I stutter. "Here. Anymore."  

I want to learn of his intentions, understand what drove him to lie to me, and what I could have possibly done to cause him to choose that path. I am fully aware of my possessiveness. It’s something I could never understand or help. It was always part of my makeup, made me who I am and it will always be present no matter how confident I am with a relationship. But why not be honest then? If I scared him away, why couldn’t he tell the truth? Why are there always so many unanswered questions? 

I sob harder into my hands, turn away from him to give myself a little privacy, maybe conceal how fucked up he made me. _How I made me._

There is no need to cry over a man like him though. He obviously had no regard for my feelings and simply wanted in my pants…a game I am all too familiar with. I can easily use him until I’m satisfied but that was the exact arrangement I wanted to avoid. No more fuck buddies, one night stands, booty calls. I can’t handle the emotional baggage associated with it. I get too attached, crave the love and affection.

“Look, I’m sorry. Danielle called me and asked if I could come for a bit. I was planning on stopping by for a quick drink and then I was coming home to you. I swear.” What is he doing?! “I haven’t seen her in a long time and couldn’t turn down her invitation.”

“W-why not tell me then? Or maybe consider inviting me along? You knew she lived close by me. I don’t understand?” I question, sneak a glance his way.

“I don’t know! It was spur of the moment…I needed to get out again. See people, mingle, be social. _I don’t know_! Please don’t hold this against me.” Louis moves quickly to the foot of the bed and kneels on the floor. He extends his hands towards me, silently begs for a touch.

“How do you know Nick?” I ask as I start to sober. 

“You…you know him?” His eyebrows scrunch together. “I…um…”

“How…do you know Nick Grimshaw?” I question him in earnest. "What is he to you?"

“He’s a family friend…” His eyes are trained on the bedding.

“A family _friend_?” I repeat, my tone clipped.

“Yes? Sort of? No…” He hesitates, worries at his bottom lip. “It’s complicated?”

“What kind of answer is that? Was he a friend with benefits?” I bark. The thought sickens me actually. “Did you _date him_ or something?” That would be really fucked up-

"Yes." He blurts suddenly.

"Huh...?"

And I'm seeing red, seeing quadruple even, my thoughts are colliding into one another, jumbling up in my brain...fucking with me, toying with my emotions!

"W-we did." I clutch at my curls, choke on a sob, nearly heave all over myself. _Oh my God. OH MY GOD?!_ I am mentally freaking out, holding back more tears. “…since freshman year of high school. We broke up in our last year of college because we…well he…” He pauses for a moment. “He cheated on me with some faceless freshman he met at a party.” I’m paralyzed with fear, choked up on the confession, so confused…so- “I was hurt of course but I moved on eventually, got over him.” He shrugs. “We’re still acquaintances though and seeing him last night brought to light just how badly I cannot fucking stand him.” I open my mouth to speak, to reveal my past, expose to him that I…was the faceless freshman. I was the reason for their breakup. I ended it. I destroyed them…and now we are…us…we’re trying to…holy fuck.

My brain is shutting down, taking dominance over my vocal chords, imploring me to shut the fuck up.

“What’s it matter? Why are you so upset?”

“I…I um…I thought…” I hate myself. “I thought you were over me, is all. I got upset.” I am officially a piece of shit.

“Oh. How do you know him then?” I swipe at my face, ignore the super massive black hole residing in my chest.

“We went to the same college. Who _doesn’t_ know him.” I recover.

“Very true.” He shakes his head.

“Um…” I rub at my eyes. _This isn’t real…this is all a joke. Am I on candid camera?_

“But yes, we unfortunately dated. We were only kids and had no idea what the fuck we were doing.”

“Oh…” I bite my tongue.

“I was surprised he showed up at Danielle’s. I thought he moved away honestly. I haven’t seen him in…what two years?” I nearly choke on my tongue. _That’s because he was avoiding you and fucking me instead._

“O-oh?” I grip my fingers in a tight fist.

“Yup. He was never that flighty. In fact, he was the total opposite. Borderline clingy.” _Who did I date then?_ “He was always so attentive, caring, loving.” I cringe.

“Yeah?” The Nick I had was patronizing, crude, sanctimonious, a real pompous asshole.

“Yes. But that’s over with.” He nods. “It was in the past, I was young, we were stupid. We did dumb things…” I swipe at my nose. “And I just want…to forget about it, okay?”

“A-alright.” Me too!! Oh wait...

“I am explaining myself to you because I want to try again, go on our fourth date, forget about exes, jobs, life, and focus on what we have right here.” He reaches for me again. “Please?” His eyes are beguiling, pulling me into him, giving me a reason to move on and try again.

“Yes.” I nod, feel a modicum of reassurance, a pang of jealousy mixed with relief, a burning sensation in my stomach from the secret I am stifling.

“Good. I made the reservation.” He sits on the bed next to me, leans in, reaches for a curl. “That’s why I worked late last night. I wanted to ensure I was free this evening.”

“Really?” My eyes tear up again.

“Yes. It’s difficult to get a reservation at this place too.”

“Oh…well what should I wear?” He loops a finger into my hair, tugs gently.

“It’s not like super fancy. Just be yourself without the pink converse.” He smiles, makes my heart melt.

“I love my pink converse though.” My hands are linked in my lap still. “They’ve been through hell and back.”

“I have no doubt. They look like it too.” He hands me a tissue. “Here.” I sniffle as the stupid tears return.

“Thanks.” I dry my eyes as best I can. “And I’m sorry for-”

“Nope. Don’t even start.” He kisses me on the lips, makes me pause.

“Why?”

“If I was honest with you, there wouldn’t have been any drug use.”

“Um…correct.” I admit.

“So let’s just…put this little hiccup behind us and continue forward.” He kisses me again.

“Yes.” I nod.

“Good.” He looks at his watch. “I need to head out though. Meet by me at 5?”

“Absolutely…And thank you…for helping me. I’d probably be lying in a ditch somewhere.”

“Or two flights up in your neighbor’s apartment.”

“Yuh…I forgot…whatever. Let me be dramatic for five minutes?” I pout.

“Nope. It’s not attractive.” He kisses me a third time, lingers longer than expected, allows me a moment to savor his taste. “Bye, H.”

.

.

.

.

They dated.

Louis and Nick fuckin dated and I ruined their relationship. Me. Little measly me who was looking for a good time fucked up a nearly 8 year, most likely loving, relationship. And now? I am _seeing_ Lou? What are the fates trying to do to me here? Am I meant to bring them back together? What’s my purpose in all of this? Will I lose in the end? Will I be the one who is left alone?

Am I ever going to catch a break? When will I find happiness?

 

_I’m doomed._

.

.

.

.

I am staring at my phone. I texted Ed about thirty minutes ago and I am waiting to hear back from him. Nick never mentioned a long lost _family friend_ once when we were together. I obviously believe Louis, I mean, this isn’t something you just fabricate.

[E]: I am calling you in 10 minutes.

[E]: I need to hear this.

Did Louis hear Nick say my name? Did he miss it? Ignore it?

I feel my phone buzzing and answer it immediately.

“I can’t figure it out.” I say.

“Wait so, the new guy dated Nick?” Ed sounds exhausted like he’s been up partying to all hours of the morning. I didn’t even tell him about my ordeal from last night. _Best to keep that quiet for now._

“Yah they are apparently childhood friends.”

“Where is Lewis-” Ed questions.

“Louis.”

“Yikes, sorry. Lou-EEEE from?”

“The Hamptons.” I quickly reply.

“And where is Nick from?”

“Uh...from the Hamptons?”

“Do you think Louis is telling the truth?” Ed asks. I hate burdening him with this shit. “Ask him tonight. You need to find out.”

“But I didn’t tell him about us either. So it’ll have to be like…a tell all and honestly I can’t do that yet.”

“The longer you wait, the harder it’ll be.”

“That’s the worst part I think.”

“Remember it then. Tell him as soon as you can.”

“But how, Ed? How do I even begin to explain it?!”

“It’s quite simple actually…you bedded Nick at that party. End of story.”

“No but…UGH!!! We kept coming back to one another! It wasn’t just _once!_ It was like…all the time, weekly…sometimes nightly.” I wince. “You remember-”

“I do. I think you spent our entire sophomore year in the bedroom.”

“I was…hey! I-”

“Dude, you wouldn’t shut your legs!” I wring my hands. “You were like starting to get a reputation.”

“How did you know?!”

“Word travels fast. Trust me, there were a lot of men at Julliard who were interested.” My mouth drops open.

“Come again?”

“Oh yeah.” He says. “Good for one nighters.”

“What the fuck! Shut up!!” I shout. “I wasn’t…I was looking…I was…ugh you suck.” I whine.

“I’m right! Sorry…but _not sorry_.” 

“ _Anyway_ …how was the event?” I ask to revert the conversation back to him.

“Great! I was sort of in the background filling up space but it was such an experience. I can’t wait for the next one!” He gushes over the phone. “I will bring you next time. Apparently we are allowed to have a guest and since I don’t have a girlfriend, well I’ll schlep you along.”

“I have something with my company soon too. You’re coming with me.”

“Wouldn’t you want to go with Lewis though?”

“Louis…”

“Gah I’m sorry. I’ll get it eventually I swear.”

“It’s okay because really who knows what will even happen. Whatever. I have to go get ready.”

“Oh yeah, alright cool. Let me know how it goes?”

“Of course you’ll be the first person I call.” 

“Alright cool. Just be yourself. Be honest.”

“I have to admit about the whole slut thing?”

“No! I meant…with Nick. Lay it all out there. I’m sure Lowell-”

“Louis…”

“Right…Lou-EEEEE will appreciate it.”

“Ugh…I’ll try.”

.

.

.

.

It’s 5:05pm.

And I am standing outside Louis’ apartment.

My hand is shaking, my brain slowly wrapping around the severity of the situation I’ve found myself in. It’s serious. This is not some game anymore. If the truth were to be revealed Louis would probably leave me and not think twice about it either. It would be well deserved and I honestly wouldn’t blame him. If I were him, I’d throw me to curb.

 _And then come back when I was lonely, horny, in the mood to get fucking laid_. _Call Ed for comfort._

_Some things never change._

I give it a whirl and knock on the door then.

I hear footfalls echoing through the apartment and soon the door swings open

“Shit! I’m sorry!” My eyes widen at the sight before me…Louis with a towel wrapped around his curvy frame. “I came home and fell asleep. I literally woke up 15 minutes ago.” He grabs my hand and pulls me in. “I’ll be finished in 5 minutes.” I shake my head to clear it.

“Take your time. When is the reservation?”

“8:30.” Louis says from behind me. I turn around to face him then.

“That’s in 3 and half hours…” I cannot help but stare into his eyes. I reach out my hand to touch his glowing skin, graze his chest, neck, jawline. It’s a sensual touch, nothing sexual, right? He clears his throat.

“I know. I wanted to do other stuff beforehand.” He leans into my touch.

“Stuff?” My filthy mind immediately goes straight to my crotch and the limp towel hanging loosely around Louis’ hips. _Just one pull and…_

“You said you wanted to go to the top of the Empire State Building so I planned on doing that.” My hand drops.

“W-what?” I shake my head. “I did. But Lou, this is date number four.”

“Ah that it is.” He pushes me further into the condo. “Sit down. I’ll be out in 5.” He retreats down the hall, I assume to get dressed as I take a seat on the couch to stare blankly at the television.

I am not quite sure what happened. I was in control not even two minutes ago and now I have an erection so painful it’s hard to ignore. It’s like his very scent consumed me and took over, bringing me to my knees, overtaking any rational thought I had, the entire Nick _thing_ non-existent.

_I really want to fuck him._

_Slow. It. Down._

_I want him though._

_They dated…I ruined them…_

_No, no, no, no._

_I must remain in-_

I stand immediately and seek out Louis. Screw this…I’m going to be pushy. Plus I want his mouth on me or vice versa….anything! _Maybe a little something-something will help me expel the truth._ I go to the bedroom and find him sifting through his closet.

“I thought I told you 5 minutes?” He pulls out a baseball tee, his attention distracted with his clothing choice.

“I can’t wait 5 minutes.” I purr and approach him.

“But I have an entire night planned!” He is pouting; I mean full on fucking pouting. My dick is so hard right now and he has the audacity to sulk like a stubborn child. Now is not the time to be cute.

“Well I’m throwing a wrench in them.” I close the distance between us, back him into the closet door.

“I see…” He covers his chest with the t-shirt. “Does seeing me in a bath towel turn you on?” 

“It wouldn’t matter if you were fully clothed. You look incredible in anything you wear…or don’t wear.” I am standing flush against him now…somehow? When did that happen? My subconscious is obviously taking the reins here and leaving my rational self in the dust. The only thing standing in my way is the t-shirt so I pluck it from his hands and throw it over my shoulder.

“That can’t get wrinkled.” Louis’ eyes are like huge cobalt blue saucers. He looks so innocent and small I almost feel sorry…well almost but my cock has other plans so tough shit. I grip his biceps.

“I’ll iron it for you.” I whisper, my lips now mere inches from his. I can smell the mint toothpaste on his breath and the hint of cologne he most likely sprayed on recently. And the combination smells so good…so fucking good I may pounce him right here because this is Louis. This is what I think of in the middle of the night, dream about. I lean down further and lay a gentle kiss on his exposed neck. “No need to be scared.” I feel the apprehension in his reaction, his fear.

“I…I am not s-scared of you.” He squeaks out as he moves his hands around my torso.

“Good.” I pick him up by the waist and carry him to the bed. I drop him down gently, lean right over him and begin sucking feverishly at his neck and collar bone. I am bathing in his being, his smells, his aura…everything that he is. I want it on me, burned into my skin, a scar on my heart.

“Fuck…fuck!” He ruts his hips. “T-take off the towel.” He grips my curls. “Now.” I nod and reach between our bodies-

Rational Side: Too fast!!!

Horny Side: I win.

My hand is clutching the towel and ready to rip it away to reveal the beauty that awaits me. The thought of seeing him naked, underneath me, and succumbing to my control is giving me chills, blinding me. This is exactly what I wanted, what I have been wishing for since I laid eyes on his handsome face and enchanting eyes at the coffee shop. This is that very moment where I am able  _fuck_ him into oblivion, be buried between his legs and inside of him. _Buried so deep_. I shiver at the thought and…

 _…_ I am frozen, my hand unable to move, my arm unwilling to cooperate.

_I'll fuck up again…and again. I’ll never learn._

I can’t do it. I am right here…so close and I just…Nick’s face keeps popping up in my head willing me to continue, fuck up, ruin everything, be the piece of shit I have become. I am staring into Louis’ expectant eyes, his face is masked with confusion, mouth downturned, eyes sad. _What am I doing?_ I sit up.

“I…um…” I stand up from the bed. “I have…” I grip my hair. “…to go. I have to go!” I turn away and put as much distance between us as I can.

“What?” I hear Louis respond. “Harry, what are you doing!?” He’s trailing behind me.

“I can’t? I can’t…” I feel tears threatening to spill over.

“But _why?_ You’re running away! Talk to me!”

“I’m not ready yet. To talk…I’m sorry.” I escape the condo and head back home hating myself for nearly losing it, hurting Louis, fucking Nick, being a horrible person…and just everything.

I need to be alone.

.

.

.

.

 

[H]: I fucked up.

[E]: What happened?

[E]: I wish I could see you now but I’m actually out with some coworkers.

I look at my phone and have the sudden need to throw it across the room. _Ed!! I need you more!!_

[E]: Come meet me.

NO! I want you all to myself.

[H]: Not tonight.

[H]: I don’t wanna bother you

[E]: You’re my best friend.

[E]: You never bother me.

[H]: Really. Have fun.

[H]: Talk soon.

Fuck.. fuck...fuck!!

.

.

.

.

The moment I arrive home, I hunt through the cabinets in search of something to gorge myself with, requiring comfort in the form of food NOW. The evening is shot and it’s all because of me. I ruined Lou’s carefully planned evening and most likely any chance I had intimately. I was so close to him, so close to getting what I’ve craved for and there I go completely destroying the opportunity, thinking of our mutual ex, running away in fear of opening up about my past. I’ve never faltered like that before, questioned my motives, kill my chance to fuck him (or anyone) senseless. I normally have a one track mind when I am in the mood, my brain ceasing to stray from the moment, my body taking over, consequences be damned. But this? I was completely coherent as if as if…this is growing into something more and I can’t face the truth? Or maybe I was meant to bring Lou and Nick back together in some twisted way? And I am left to fend for myself? Heal on my own? _I can’t handle it_.

I am kneeling on the counter now searching the uppermost cabinet for the secret stash I keep high up and out of easy reach. If I recall correctly, I purchased… _OREOS!!_ I take out two cookies and put the package back into the cabinet.

I look down at my hand, deliberate my choice, sigh heavily, reopen the cabinet, and snatch the bag off the shelf. _Yeah I want them all._

I pop in _You’ve Got Mail_ and sit comfortably on the sofa. _This isn’t so bad_. There is nothing wrong with a quiet night in, right? I’ll rehash everything in the morning and hopefully come up with a solution. Right now though…? Not now. I need separation…

 _Get over it…you’re lonely, horny, and depressed. Don’t sugar coat it_.

UGH!!!

Shut up stupid brain!!!!

.

.

.

.

I am quietly enjoying my movie when I hear a faint noise in the hallway. I dismiss it, conclude it's probably one of Niall’s guests falling over themselves from that dreadful green pill or some other form of drug. I shudder at the thought, continue with my movie and take another bite of a cookie. _One row finished._

The door swings open then without warning.

I look up, feel my heart racing, find Louis standing there with his hand squeezing the knob, face flushed, hair in disarray.

“W-what?” I drop the Oreo I was holding onto my lap.

“You have an awful habit of running away, you know?” He slams the door closed. I recoil at the sound but my eyes never waver from his face.

“U-um…maybe?”

“I wasn’t…fucking…finished.” He grunts.

“Finished with what?”

“ _You!!!”_ He points at me.

_Uh oh._

 

 


	9. Just a taste

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I look into his eyes, watch as he delicately runs his slender fingers through his fringe and flicks his head to the side, witness the way he bites at his plump lip. He's a catch. He's someone I would like to get to know...a person I'd want to understand on a personal level…
> 
> Watch him come undone…
> 
> Scream out my name...
> 
> Grip my shoulders and pierce my skin with his fingernails as he cums violently.

He saunters over, eyes me with an insensity I have yet to witness on him before. It's wild, frantic, angered, saddened...an amalgam of emotions all combined into one. And it's taking my breath away, making my limbs shake and heart skip a beat or two. He's making me _hot_.

“I wasn't _finished_.” He grunts.

“B-but-” I lick at my lips.

“No! You just _ran_ away without an explanation! Left me wondering what the fuck I did wrong!”

“You...you did nothing wrong!” He closes the distance between us, removes the package of cookies from my lap.

“How should I know that?” He snaps.

“Uhm...uh...well-” He sits astride my hips, doesn't wait for an invitation...just invades my personal space.

“You...” His voice is sultry, his hands entwined behind my head, his knees squeezing my hips. “I am not exactly sure what happened to you, I would like to believe in time you will tell me…but for right now, I want you to know that…” He jerks his hips forward into my stomach, grazes along my now fully erect cock with his perky ass. “I want you. Don’t doubt yourself any longer.” My breath hitches in my throat as his hips dance, as he continues to purposely rub me through my sweats. I stifle a groan, have this sudden urge to finish what I started a few hours ago, fuck him properly, hear his whining in my ear. _God I can't wait._ I lean into him but he stops me. “Uh-uh.” He puts a finger against my lips and shakes his head. _NO?!_ “You have to give permission.”

“Permission for what, exactly?” The yearning in my voice is unrecognizable to my ears.

“To break your rule.”

“God dammit you can fuckin shatter it.” I rush out as rational me takes a backseat. “I don’t care.” _Give me your body_ . _Let me pleasure you the right way._

“No. You will care. I see it in your eyes every time you believe you’ve gone too far or crossed an invisible line. And I can't help but think I had a part in that.” _No...no it's not you._ His hands return to the back of the couch. “So say it.” He insists.

“Say it?” His lips are mere inches from mine…I can practically taste him on the tip of my tongue, already feel the pressure of his mouth moving against my own, and the thought excites me, brings me such joy. But the thought of fucking up and handling the consequences is far worse.

“Yes, H.” He scoots closer, squeezes my hips, entices me with his slight body movements.

“I do!” I rush out suddenly, too quickly, too urgently. I clear my head, focus on the now and what my body is truly searching for. “So. Bad.” _Does it? Does it need his touch?_

“Hmmm...that's what I thought.” He pulses his hips, sends my libido into overdrive.

“W-woah...I... I'm-” I scrunch my eyes shut.

“Are you not ready yet though? Do you need more time?” His movements are incessant almost as if he is making the decision for me, persuading me with his horniness.

“I…um…” _Of course I'm not. I'll need a lifetime to get over whatever it is I am suffering from!_

“If that’s the case…” He starts to lift himself up, the chance to have my way with him lost twice in one evening. And it's peculiar really, this new mindset I am searching for, a more controlled version of myself that is straining to teach my _cock_ to behave, a part that is looking to surpass an invisible barrier. _It's strong...so strong. Yet…_

I look into his eyes, watch as he delicately runs his slender fingers through his fringe and flicks his head to the side, witness the way he bites at his plump lip. He's a catch. He's someone I would like to get to know...a person I'd want to understand on a personal level…

Watch him come undone…

Scream out my name...

Grip my shoulders and pierce my skin with his fingernails as he cums violently-

I take hold of his biceps then, pull him towards me, latch onto his mouth and kiss him with vehemence.

I am exploring Louis’ mouth freely with my tongue, savoring the taste of him and his hands as they cup my cheeks. He's incredible, a delicacy, a fuckin god send and I can't let go! That fever is taking over, the drive to take this further...and further...feel him squirm underneath me-

He breaks away and I'm stunned, empty. So _cold._

_What!?_

“You taste like an Oreo.” He sucks his bottom lip between his teeth, nips ever so slightly to entice me.

“Don't... care... _I don't-”_

I force myself onto him again without much thought, kiss with more fervor, and remove any and all space between us.

I wrap my arms around his lower waist, stand up with him securely in my hold, and walk us steadily towards the bed. My mind is reeling, my control non-existent, my cock now taking the lead. He wraps his legs around my torso, grips at my neck, deepens the kiss. This is it...this is what I was waiting for! This moment where is he completely submitting to me, allowing my kisses, accepting my touches, gripping for deal life as if I... _mattered?_

But its short lived.

I've reached our destination.

I drop him onto the mattress, crawl up the length of his legs, peer down at him, think of the many ways I am able to make him scream.

“I’m taking these off.” I grunt and work on his shorts. I pull at the waistband, tug them down his legs, boxers and all.

“Jesus, fuck. You’re-”

“Shut up.” I go for the hem of his shirt next. I pull it over his head until he is completely naked before me and staring back in anticipation. He’s beautiful, so curvy, luscious, a fuckin masterpiece. And he's mine. _Mine, mine, mine._

_You're mine._

Before I start to drool on myself, I quickly shed my own clothing, contain my excitement as best I can in the event that I explode all over him...which would be an absolute disaster by the way. But I'm too focused for that, far from my climax even. _He needs to be pleasured first._

I waste no more time and begin kissing up his leg then.

“I want...to taste...every...inch of you.” I admit between kisses. “Feel...your...excitement.” Louis wiggles underneath my touch as I make my way up towards the junction of his thighs. “Watch... your... excitement.” It's an agonizingly slow ascend, painful almost, a purposeful movement to heighten his arousal. “ _Hear_ ... you're... excitement.” It's meant to make him... _beg_ . “Be...the reason...for your _..._ excitement _.”_ I start at the other ankle the moment I reach his center.

“Ah…you’re rude.” His voice sounds breathy, almost winded. But I continue grazing my lips over him. I suck gently at his skin, ignore the way he dances beneath my lips, push aside my own needs that are pulsing to the surface. I'm at his thigh again, moving further up, further towards the very part of his body I want to bury myself in, but I nip around his curves, reach his lower abdomen.

“Touch me!!” He whines. His fingers land in my hair, push my head towards his cock.

“Hey. None of that.” I straddle his hips then, see his dilated pupils, his swollen lips, his hooded eyes. “My, my. Louis are you excited?”

“Fuck, _yes_!! Just...just-”

“Fuck you? So soon? What ever happened to foreplay?”

“No...no! Just...Harry!!!” He shouts.

“Shh... you'll wake the neighbors.” I suck my finger, trail it down his chest and past his tummy.

“I _don't_ care.” He groans.

“I will.” I move further down, savor in his whimpers, find his ass. “Don't want to be known as _the_ noisey tenant.”

“Ugh…” I poke my finger in in one swift movement, feel his hips stirring. “Y-yes...yes please!”

“You’re cute when you stutter.” I lean over him, keep my finger buried inside him and pump in a steady motion, kiss his neck, and jawline.

“That…f-feels so good...how...how-”

“Mmm…” I moan in satisfaction, kiss my way down his chest and tummy, continue sucking, licking, prodding. “So good. You taste so good.” I reach his cock, feel him pulsing his hips in sync with my finger and hear him groan in ecstacy as I continue.

“P-put your mouth on me. I’m...I...I can't wait.”

I take a deep breath, push away any and all doubt I found choking me senseless, ignore the potential mistake I am making and...and simply succumb to his wishes because fuck his pleading does something to me.

I wrap my mouth around him and take him to the hilt, pump my finger ever so slightly, feel his entire body quaking from the multitude of sensations I am forcing onto him. He tastes even better than I'd imagined and his moans are supurb, a beautiful sound to my ears and ego. _I've got it. I've got him trapped. He's mine._

I hollow my cheeks, take him further and further...choke myself on his cock, ignore the tears stinging my eyes and the lack of oxygen in my lungs. I lap my tongue from hilt to tip, gently graze my teeth over him, suck...and pull...and pleasure him... _more...more!_ I can't stop myself!

“Ah!! Oh...fuck...fuck!” He's moving now, really thrusting his hips forward, cutting off my air supply. I continue working him though, use the skills I've picked up over the years, and let loose. “I won't...I... I'm going to... _fuck_ that tongue.” He's getting too excited, too close. _Too soon_. I let go instantly somehow. “What!!!” I remove my finger too.

“Shhh…I want you to turn over please.” He looks at me with annoyance. “Do it or I will force you.” He crosses his arms over his chest in mock protest. “Louis.” I say with warning. He is adamant, remaining quite still. “Fine. You asked for it.” I take hold of his torso, feel his struggle against my hold.

“You... let me-” I flip him over. “Ugh!!” He lands face first.

“I warned you.” I shrug as a smile plays at my lips.

“That was _rude_.” I reach for an extra pillow.

“You've said that already. Obviously it's true.” _Or Im fuckin excited._ “Stick your butt up for me.” He obliges and I place it underneath him, smack at his rear. “So cute.”

“It's cute...my ass is cute!!”

“Yes and I can't wait to make it mine.” I shove my hand in between the mattress and box spring in search of the lube and condoms. I hesitate again though, feel the doubt in my heart. _Is this too soon?_ Am I making the same mistakes? Is the fourth date too soon? Should we maybe have gone out on a formal date? Learned one another's quirks? Maybe understand his personality better? Allow him a chance to realize...I am an obsessive freak?

I'm frozen.

This is what happened earlier...the exact same feelings. _Nick_ . He would want me to do this. To move too fast, to ruin everything I've tried so hard to avoid, to come back... crawling to him? Beg him while on all fours!? _Or bring them back together. In some fucked up sort of way? Am I not meant to find happiness!?_

“Harry?” I sober instantly, shake my head. “What’s wrong?” I look up from the bottle at the sound of Louis’ voice, find his eyes, his sincerity. _You're not him. You care. I believe._

“N-nothing. You have a really nice ass.” I recover and position myself behind him. I pop the cap and squeeze some of the liquid onto my fingers. “And soon I get to claim it.”

“Y-yes. You uh...do.” He lies back down and sighs.

He's so fuckin adorable.

How?

How could this man effect me this much?

What does he possess?

What personality trait am I attracted to?

Why am I incapable of figuring this out!?

_Ugh!!! Fuck him already!!_

I sink my finger in slowly leaving my thoughts in the dust, resume my movements from earlier. He wiggles underneath me as I pump in and out to widen him, to prepare him the right way. _Giving him everything he deserves_ . His whimpering is fucking with my head, breaking my concentration, forcing me to lose focus. _Fuck fuck fuck…I can’t stop now. Don't worry... don't think about it_. I probe a little more, feel it's relatively loose, and decide to add a second finger. Louis groans at the addition, shivers slightly from the intrusion, clearly not expecting it so soon.

“Are you…okay?” I mumble.

“Y-yes.” He stumbles “I...I am.” _Good._ I grip a cheek, move my hand, thrust my legs in unison. My abdomen is tingling with need as I continue, humming a happy tune of contentment, reverberating throughout my body, seeping into my being... relaxing me. _I've never felt so good before._

Why?

I add the third and final digit, scissor my fingers, crook my pointer, widen him even further, work him over and over again.

“W-woah...what...fuck... _fuck_ !” He's gripping the sheets, sweating prefusely, soaking the hairs at the nape of his neck. “You're...you are... what-” I pinch his skin, delve deeper, pinch _again_ , sink in further, and repeat...repeat...repeat! _Feel me. Fuckin feel me!_ “W-wha...what...You... you're...a...you-” He's incoherent at this point, twisting his torso as I hit a sensitive spot, completely thrown off balance with my touches. He's exactly where I need him. Panting. Falling apart. Clutching at the bedding for stability.

_He's good._

_He's ready._

_He's glorious._

“Mmmm...” I remove my fingers and reach for the lube and condom. _Shit. It's time._

“Holy fuck...how…?” I stare at his backside, imagine myself lying on his heated skin and kissing between his shoulder blades, heightening his pleasure with my lips. It feels too real in my head, too easy, so unproblematic. But here I am stalling, awaiting my adrenaline to kick in, afraid of screwing this all up. _He isn't Nick though._

_He fucked Nick._

_They were together._

_I messed it up._

_Me._

_I was the loser._

Fuck!! I pinch my thigh and position myself in between his legs as a means to revive any semblance of strength I have left. _It's okay_. I roll on the latex.

“Ready?” I squeak out with such little confidence I'm surprised he didn't pick up on it.

“Don’t ask that question.” I apply lube next.

“Sorry.” I whisper.

“It's fine.” He looks back at me, makes my heart rate skyrocket. “It's okay. You're fine.” I nod, force a smile and grip his thigh with my clean hand. He offers a slight grin and faces forward, relaxes his arms besides his head. He looks so beautiful. Too perfect.

_Too precious._

I line myself up, close my eyes, and move forward. Instantly, I hear the unmistakable sounds coming from his mouth, feel the fire ignite in my veins, the snugness...the...the bittersweet taste of this moment. _The first time...always feels-_

And it's intense, far more potent than anything I've experienced in the past. _How?_ _Why? Because he seems forbidden? His body is a treasure trove? His very existence is too worthy for me? Too special?_ It could never compare to anything ever again. I am lost in him, so wrapped up in his voice and body.

I continue to sink in, feel him shudder from head to toe underneath me as I do so, thoroughly penetrate his walls. He clenches his lower region, braces his arms on the mattress, _takes it_ …and continues to push back as I push forward.

“Fuck.” I clear my throat of the raspiness. “ _Lou_ -”

“Holy shit.” He grips at the sheets, sits on his knees to fight off my forward momentum. “Yes... _yes_ fuck!” He growls. My breath hitches in my throat the moment I reach the hilt, the moment my groin is flush against his ass, the moment he- “ _Go faster_!”

I take hold of his waist, keep my eyes closed, savor in our connection and these few precious seconds that can easily pass in the blink of an eye. He just...feels too good, too good to be true. _Mine. Mine. Mine!_

“H-Harry...fuck please...move! _Move!”_ He pushes back into me, yelps at the penetration.

“Yes... yes! I will...I am...I-” I pull my hips away, grip his waist to steady him, and push in, snap my hips, await the whining and cries.

“Ah... _God_ .” He releases. I do the same motion...and again...and a third time, fourth time! “K-keep...keep _going_ !” I move fluidly, with grace, with _purpose_ , and fuck into him with all of my strength. He's incredible...he feels, otherworldly, so perfect, and snug. My cock is excited, my mind running in circles as thoughts of exploding into him take precedence...as my orgasm flurries in the pit of my stomach as if it's calling out to me. I want to make this right. I have to make it last.

I need to prove this isn't a quick fuck or something hollow.

“Oh my…yes right there!” He shouts into the pillows, continues to pull at the sheets as I graze his most sensitive parts. “I want...I...I-” I thrust my hips forward then, prevent him from finishing that thought because I _want to be_ what he needs. He cries out in estacy, buries his face in the pillows, strips himself raw right before my eyes. _This isn't the Accounting Manager. This is... Louis_.

I sit up, tug his small frame towards me.

“Lift your knees.” I instruct in a rather calm demeanor. “I want you on...all fours.” I lift him, hear his breathing hitch.

“Yeah...yeah sure.” He does as he's told, arches his back, meets my hips thrust for thrust, completely blows my mind with his need. “H…I need your hand on me.” He pants. He turns his head towards me, reveals his impossibly pink lips and deep blue irises. It's captivating and he's managed to win me over. “P-please?” I shake my head and reach my arm around him. He's so erect, so beyond spent. It's no surprise he groans the second I touch him. “God...yes...please!” Louis arches his back again as I thrust forward, sets my own climax in motion, clenches his lower region as if to test my limits...my will power.

He is starting to quiver, his moans now coming out as exhausted grunts laced with cries of pleasure. I am certain I have him, so sure he is about to let loose...so-

“Ah!! Fuck!” I hear Louis yell as the wetness of his cum touches my hand, soaks my fingers and the sheets below. He continues to tremble as he finishes, mumbles nonsensical words, loosens his hold on the pillow as if his pent up sexual frustration was set free. “Wow?” He manages, struggles for air.

“I hope.” I whisper.

_Mine._

_Mine._

_Mine_

I place my now sticky hand back on his hip to guide me, to find my own release, to reach the very plateau Louis was able to overcome. He still feels incredibly snug around my shaft as I move, even after all of this time. _Makes me wonder...who was his last lover?_

_God don't make it Nick...please...please!!_

I've lost my rhythm all too soon, faultered...stuttered... over thought my moves! What's wrong with me!!

“God, you feel so good.” His voice is soothing, exhausted, so charming and just what I…

_Needed._

I pulse my hips into him, hold him close, pound...and _pound_ ...work my cock and hips, think of Louis’ sweet mouth and tongue, imagine him on his back with his legs spread wide and my face buried between them...the thought of us having a healthy balance between the bedroom and a real relationship...a normal, _loving_ relationship where I am able to express myself and not feel so alone.

I'll be held. Be loved. Be his forever. And he'll be mine. _I'll be yours. All yours._

So there it is...the burning in my groin, the build up of pleasure in my abdomen, the pulsing in my cock as it continues to glide in and out. It's so close!! It's so fucking-

“Harry...let...let it go.” He whispers and I'm there as if a freight train hit me head on.

“Ah...ah...fuck...fuck…” I scrunch my eyes shut, feel my body relax and ease into a state of euphoria. I collapse into him then, hold his body close, and breathe heavily against his sweated skin. “Jesus.” I gasp.

“I know.” He grips at my forearms, turns his face. “You're a beast.”

“Um…” I smirk. “Maybe.”

Or desperate for attention.

.

.

.

.

I remember the night as if it were yesterday; every detail fresh in my mind like a permanent stain. It’s a painful memory I try not to conjure up but find myself resurrecting more and more the closer Louis and I become.

I escaped the party that night following Nick hand in hand to his place. I couldn’t tell Ed the truth…if he found out I let Nick take me back to his apartment, he would have killed me (or scolded me like a child) so I kept that fact to myself. I thought I was _so cool_ , envied upon, the prettiest boy in school being tugged around by an equally beautiful man who was about to fuck me out of my mind. It was an exhilarating feeling and I knew it would be perfect.

We reached his apartment and immediately started sucking each other’s faces off. I was sloppy, uncoordinated, and definitely a ball of nerves, especially with my obvious lack of experience. But Nick did not seem to pick up on it so I just continued letting my body do the work.

He was not gentle by any means but I savored it. The rush of our kisses, the dominance I easily submitted to, the crippling desire to be with him. I was smitten and let’s be real here, horny as fuck. So when we didn’t make it to the bedroom, I thought I understood why. He was on top of me in seconds, his hands feeling me up, groping me, scratching my arms and chest, tasting my neck leaving harsh red marks all over. I was on fire from his touches and wet kisses, the burn settling under my skin and coursing through my veins. I attempted to keep my head out of the moment to not cum too soon (one touch and done) but each suck and bite he laid on me brought me back.

When the moment finally came to actually fuck, I remember being on my back on the wood floor in the hallway right by the front door. It should have been a warning sign from then. I didn’t even make it out of the entryway, the exact direction our relationship went. I only skimmed the surface never truly understanding Nick and his personality, secrets…ex-boyfriends. He always kept me at arms-length preventing me from piercing the barrier to his heart. It’s obvious now that he simply used me…and lacked any love or affection. The fact that Louis most likely received that love makes me insanely jealous but at the same time leaves me feeling sorry for myself for believing I had a chance to win him over.

Anyway, I kept myself as calm as possible knowing this was my first time, a goddamn virgin, and my partner  unaware. I probably should have spoken up, warned him, let him know that “Hey! It’s my first time…so please take it easy?” But NOPE! As I’ve stated repeatedly, I am not normal and kept my mouth shut because after all, I was _so cool_ and had to impress this boy- no man. Plus, he probably would have turned me away at the truth and I couldn’t let that happen either. I had to be strong and willing to take it.

Nick was as rough as I thought he would be (or maybe it was because it was new to me? Or because we were on the floor and I felt every hit?) moving like a pro, stretching me, keeping me content and whining like a bitch. The pressure between my legs felt like pure bliss, the way he gripped my shoulders to keep me in place. I knew I would have difficulty sitting down that night and possibly the following day. My bottom inevitably would be sore.

And it was worth it.

All too soon it was over. I was no longer a virgin.

He came in my ass (we didn’t use a condom…), put my jeans back in place, and practically threw me out to stumble back to my dorm with cum dripping out of me. I didn’t even orgasm. _True story._ I was still painfully hard drunkenly walking to my room with a sore ass most likely looking pretty fucked out. To this day I am not sure how I made it. All I remember is finding the nearest bathroom and jerking myself off thinking of Nick’s hands gripping me.

He probably thought I wouldn’t be back because of the way he treated me and if I were in my right mind I shouldn’t have. But, me being the slut that I am, I did come back, multiple times until I forced him to fuck me everywhere, anywhere. I didn’t care. I wanted him.

We were not exclusive so I was doing whatever I wanted while he too, could get his dick touched and be free. It was a seamless unattached relationship any horny college student wished for until one of us started to develop feelings for the other. But that would _never_ happen. Or so I thought…

Unfortunately, I fell hard for him, too hard. It was like a knife penetrating my chest, the painful truth that Nick simply wanted the sex and not my heart.  I willed him to date me, coaxed him that I was the perfect match for him, convinced him with my body and my mind (sort of?) until I thought I succeeded. We dated for two years, lived in harmony, enjoyed our company, held one another, _loved_ (or so I thought). But goodness, it was all pretend. It kills me inside each time I think of it. My love for him was endless and his did not pass the starting line. I hate myself for falling for him. I regret it every day. It’s a “you live and you learn” type of scenario but honestly, it’ll haunt me forever, even when I find Mr. Right, that inkling of doubt residing in the back of my mind exposing itself when I least expect it to. I hope Nick is satisfied with himself; he thoroughly ruined me and fucked with my emotions at the worst time in my life. He should have been honest the entire time, told me outright that I was nothing more than a lay or a night out.

And Jesus fuck, Louis. I was the “other guy” for _a year_. I ended their relationship. I am the sole reason they’re happiness came to a halt; Louis’ pain was because of my ignorance and stupidity to get laid. I fucked up…fucked them up and destroyed any future they could have had together. Louis probably was looking for Nick that night we hooked up. It confirms why Nick was so quick to fuck me and throw me out, explains why we never reached the bedroom…their joint belongings were in that apartment, littering the walls, tables, furniture. He probably didn’t want me to take notice that another person lived there…a place I moved into a few years later…tainting it with my pitiful existence, ruining a once happy household that held many memories, memories that were soon replaced with lies and deceit.

I was just too young to distinguish right from wrong, my feelings and possessiveness taking precedence over everything. I was a selfish prick who had this fixation to prove I was desirable, sought after, special…it’s despicable. And now that I look back on it, it was unnecessary and just a waste of time. I killed over four years of my life for a meaningless relationship that was bound to crumple to pieces. I can never get that time back, they’re lost forever and I am the only one to blame.

In the end though, I was blinded. Nick lied and kept everything a secret. It can confirm why I tried my damnedest for his attention, wanted to know where he was at all times, kept him close. I didn’t trust him. Even when I thought he was…making _love_ to me, he was simply appeasing me and most likely thinking of another dude or just enjoying the game too much. I thought I was some prize to be won but reality proved I was the loser being manipulated and taken advantage of.

This is why I have to be careful. Louis may just turn around and use me, get his fix and leave. I thought I knew Nick but he is a completely different person underneath his well placed façade. It’s incredible how I could never strip it away to reveal his true identity, be aware of his real personality and behavior. What was I doing then? Was I that wrapped up in winning him over rather than think of who I am dealing with? Should it be this difficult?!

Should I question Louis now as a way to protect myself? Maybe learn of his true intentions?

_I need answers...but how do I approach it?_

_What do I do?_

_I need Ed._

_._

_._

_._

_._

I gently pull out, knot the condom, and reluctantly rise from the bed.

“W-where are you going?” Louis delicately sits down on his legs, winces slightly, eyes me wearily. “Please don’t walk away again.” I turn to him with a small grin tugging at my lips.

“I couldn’t even if I tried.” _Isn’t that the truth?_

“So what are you doing?” I hold up the latex then.

“Gotta throw this fucker out.” His face turns a deep crimson.

“Oh…right.” I return a moment later and find him still in the same position.

“You can lay down you know.” I sit on the bed, rest my back against the wall, and stretch my legs out before me.

“Uh…I um…I’m good.” He gives me thumbs up. “I'll be fine.” I start to giggle at his discomfort.

“Sorry.” He sighs.

“Th-that’s fine.” He runs his fingers through his hair, attempts to tame the sweated strands.

“I haven't lost my touch so it seems.”

“No, I guess you haven't.” He flicks his head, pulls at the unruly fringe. “This is a lost cause I suppose.” He shrugs.

“Nah, you look great...nice and fucked out.” I chuckle, really take in his appearance. “It's a fine look on you. I wouldn't mind seeing this again...you know...well thats if you want to.” I say with uncertainty. I divert my gaze, struggle to formulate my next thought. _Was that too forward_? “I don't want to assume we'd do that again but I figured-”

“Yes.” He lies down, clutches a pillow to his chest. “But I meant what I said earlier.”

“M-me too.” I nod in agreement. “I did too.” I run my fingers through his rumpled hair.

“Okay, good.” He relaxes into the bedding.

“I'm sorry about the reservation. Are you able to reschedule?”

“The dinner? Well, I don’t know now. I may have to take a different approach to impress you.”

“Impress me? With what?” His eyes are fluttering closed from my delicate touches.

“Well you keep running away from me.” He mumbles. “I have to figure out what keeps you around...what your interests are. Learn the real you.”

“You do?” I swallow past the lump in my throat, feel these surge of emotions bubbling in my stomach. “Really?” My eyes widen at the prospect, at the thought of this man actually finding me appealing and not just physically. It's quite the turn of events.

“Of course.” His eyes fly open, the blueness of his irises compelling and strikingly beautiful. I want to lose myself in them forever.

_Forever!?_

“Oh...oh okay.” I remove my hand from his hair. “Okay...cool.”

“Yup. So stop running away and let me try?”

“I'll...um…” I scrunch my nose. “Yes.”

I'm not running from you.

I'm running from my past.

But I guess in time I'll admit my faults, come clean, confess, lose a little dignity, and maybe let him in.

 


	10. Coming clean…for the most part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “...I know you fight me on it but I can’t see you hurt again. Clearly you’ve experienced something so traumatizing it still affects you to this day. I refuse to cross that line. I want to see you smile, hear you laugh, make your heart complete, understand what you keep locked away.”

“When is that baseball game?” Louis asks one night as we're cooking dinner. My knees buckle at the question, my brain swirling around those few words. I've mentioned it _once_ , just once in passing and he remembers... actually remembers small facts like this when I tell them to him. I'm unaccustomed to it and actually a little disappointed he did _because I invited Ed…_

I tug on oven mitts.

“Um...what?” I open the oven door, peer in to check on the eggplant parmesan to maybe stall a few moments more, maybe... disregard him all together. “Oh...looks good.” I remark as I take in the bubbling cheese and sauce.

“Harry.” His tone is firm, closer, _much closer_ than it was just before. He hates repeating things supposedly and becomes rather grumpy when I make excuses.

“Yah…?” I stare at the food baking away.

“Answer me.” He pinches my ass.

“Owe!!” I pull the dish from the oven. “What?” I stand up and place it on the cook top, admire my work, hesitate a little more.

“When is the baseball game?” He barks.

“Which one? Last I heard there's one every night this week.” I glance at him, find his arms crossed and eyes probing through my skull. _Okay he can be intimidating_. “So?”

“The one with your company.” He clarifies.

“Um this Thursday.” I mumble as I take the oven mitts off.

“...okay and? What time is it?” He asks.

“Well, okay…” I sigh. “See, what happened was-”

“Are you allowed to bring someone?”

“Yes... but Louis-” I wring my fingers.

“I need the details then. I'll have to change my tasks for the day.”

“Louis-”

“I'll be sure to be prompt that evening. I'll reschedule my meetings.” _Oh God._

“Louis I-” Fucked up.

“Maybe go in early. I may be a little tired but I'll manage-”

“Louis!!” I grip his shoulders, note the startled expression on his face. “I…” I clear my throat. “Invited Ed.” I rush out and drop my hands.

“Oh.” His voice is clipped. “I see.” I divert my gaze to avoid his cool demeanor.

“I'm sorry. The plans were made and I wasn't sure-”

“Nope.” He puts his hand up. “It's fine. I'll be in the living room... _working_.” He stomps away, slaps his bare feet against the wood, huffs and puffs. “I'm not hungry either!” He projects from the hallway. My anger flares then.

“Louis! Stop acting like a petulant old man!” I groan.

“I'm not!!” I hear his sulking voice from the other room.

“Yes you are and you're eating this eggplant because your diet blows and I worked all fucking evening on it!!” _To impress you._ “So tough shit!” I grip the handles of the dish on impulse to bring it to the _set_ table, instantly feel the burning sensation on my palms, the searing pain coat my fingers and wrists. It's...it was… “Too hot!!” I practically throw the dish to the ground to relieve the discomfort, witness it falling in slow motion as my heart sinks in my chest, feel every emotion I've felt over the past two months inundate me all at once as my barriers dwindle. It's not just the loss of the dinner, the mess, or the _dish_ . It's a symbol, a metaphor, a fucking reflection of my life! And it's all right there making it's way towards the floor...to shatter...to spew its contents all over the cabinets and tile. _To pierce my fragile heart-_

The loud crash rouses me from my thoughts, pulls me back into reality, triggers the tears.

“Oh no!!” I go to grip my curls but my hands are in pain, so much pain, and I'm finding it difficult to really think past it now. Louis comes running in then, stares at the mess splattered across his pristine kitchen and _me_. I must have a red face and bloodshot eyes, a deep frown, and crazed hair because he seems a bit exasperated.

“Uh oh…” He says, winces, and stuffs his hands in his pockets. I lean against the counter, attempt to ignore the throbbing in my palm. “I'll um...go order Chinese.” He disappears around the corner and leaves me to my mess. _Karma is a bitch I suppose_.

.  
.   
.   
.   
I’m in the bathroom bandaging my left hand that sustained most of the damage. The incessant throbbing distracted my attention throughout dinner and 24 (Keifer Sutherland couldn’t even distract me) and it was just terrible. I thought my hand was going to fall off the entire time.   
“Hey.” Louis cautiously approaches me, places his hand on my back. “How’s the burn?”   
“It’s fine…Sorry about the mess.” I inspect my bandage work and note how awful it is.

“I don't give a shit about the mess. I care about you.” My heart flutters in my chest, my stomach knots, my ability to breathe seemingly disappears. _I don't deserve you._

“I do. It was dumb of me. I'm a _jackass._ ”

“It was an accident. We all have one on occasion.”

“Well, I wasn't careful enough. I shouldn't have raised my voice at you, should have been more articulate, express myself more clearly then I wouldn't have been so careless.”

“And I shouldn't have stalked off like I was kicked in the balls.” He grazes one of my cheeks, runs his finger along my jawline. _Wow._ “We were both wrong. Now let me do that for you.” He points to my hand. “Take a seat.” I oblige without question, plop down on the side of the tub, and hang my head in shame. I choke on a sob that's lodged in my throat too. _Uh oh_ . “I know it hurts…I'll be gentle.” Louis sits on the toilet seat opposite me, intertwines our legs, and begins rewrapping my hand. I watch him work, feel his fingers against my arm, his legs graze mine every so often. It's soothing to my nerves, such a reward, such a tender moment. I never want it to end because he's taking care of me, ensuring I am healthy, comfortable. He's so adorable and cute and endearing and everything I've ever wanted! But I break down regardless as these emotions consume me, choke me, strip me down. And it's bad too. _Real...real bad_ . “I’m sorry! Did I hurt you?” He rubs at my back, kisses my wet cheek, sooths my aches and pains.   
“Lou-” I try to speak past the tears.   
“If this is about the baseball game please don't cry. I overreacted.” I keep my eyes trained on the floor.   
“Its more than that though. It's the mess I made in the kitchen too. I try to impress you but then I drop the damn dish on the floor!” I sniffle. And I ruined your relationship. “And when I am able to show you off to colleagues, I go ahead and fuck that up too by inviting my best friend.” I swipe at my nose, formulate my next sentence. “I invited Ed because I didn’t know what we were and felt he wouldn't mind spending an evening with me.” _And I couldn't show up alone. Not without... someone to grasp because we all know what happens when I do._

 _Run into exes. Run away from exes._   
“He’s your best friend. How can I compete with that?” His fingers feel like heaven on my skin. “And of course he'd want to spend time with you! Why wouldn't he?” _I'm a freak. Obsessed. Suffocating apparently._   
“I just feel bad bothering anyone.” I say instead.   
“Oh, H. You're not.” He kisses my cheek again, sends these tiny jolts of pleasure through my skin. _You haven't seen me at my worst._

“I...I…” Fuck fuck _fuck._ “What will you do then?” I ask instead.

“I'll reach out to one of my college friends. It'll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” I ask, keep my tone level.

“Mmm.” He nods, kisses my cheek and proceeds to finish with my hand. “I'm trying to work on my social skills remember?”  
“I suppose. As long as you're not mad.” I stifle a sob.   
“Not in the least.” He studies his work, smooths out any lumps. “You may have to wear this for a few days. But that’s fine, I can wash your back for you.”   
“Only my back?” I smirk past the tears. “What about my tummy? And my arms? My legs? My di-”   
“I’ll wash your cock with my mouth.” He licks at his lips, flicks his head.

“Oh!” My eyes widen in astonishment _. Bold. I love it when he’s bold._ “Is that so?”   
“Yup.” I glance at his parted mouth, see his Adam's apple bob as he swallows. _Yikes._ I clear my throat.   
“Wh-whenever you're ready.” I say to maybe uplift the mood of the evening.

“Mmm…” I lean into him in search of his lips, find his eyes and dilated pupils. _Yes? Yes? Please? Sexy time?_

“I'm ready.” I add. But he yawns. _Huh!?_

“Bedtime.” Louis announces and walks away.  
“Bedtime?!” I whisper shout. I follow suit, dry my face with the back of my hand and find Louis in the bedroom changing into his iconic Columbia sweats and t-shirt. _I want him under me though...naked._

I watch him fold down the comforter and sheet as my mind starts to do that thing…where you know, I get lost in thought and question everything. For instance, why haven’t Louis and I had sex since last month? Did he not like it? Why is he not advancing past the hand and blow jobs? Why is everything else off limits? He never mentions it either. It’s like an unspoken rule that we subconsciously put into place without notifying _the other half of the party_. Why isn't he being forthcoming? Because what if he didn't like it?

_Pretended?_

_Thought of Nick?_   
_Got off on the thought of our mutual ex!?_

Fuck.

“Hey, come on.” He says as he slips a pair of cotton socks on his feet.

“Uh...R-right…yeah...sleepy time.” I nod, slap on a smile.“Why do you wear socks to bed?” I question as I lay out my clothes for the next day.  
“My feet get cold.” He slips under the sheets.   
“They’re rough against my legs when we cuddle though.” I confess as I strip down to my boxers. I can’t wait to have Louis’ body heat against my back, his arms wrapped around me, his breath hitting my neck. I join him, position myself close to him and rest my head on his shoulder. “They make me itch.” I scrunch my nose in distaste, pout, act all cuddly and adorable.   
“Whatever. I will not change my sleep routine for you.” His voice is laced with humor…I hope. _Right? He was just joking. No. Big. Deal._

_Oh._

_God._

_What if he wasn't!?_

I start to sweat all over, feel my uncertainty resurfacing all over. I think back to his tone, the way he delivered the line…he won’t change anything for me? Sleep routine? _See you dumb fuck? He is simply appeasing you…stringing you along until he’s finished_.

“Harry.”

_Stringing along._

_On all fours._

_Beg...beg...beg!!_

_I need his attention. He can't...can't-_

“Harry!” He whacks my arm.   
“Y-yeah?” I bury my face into his chest, listen for his heartbeat, his breathing...his...  
“I wasn’t serious.” He reassures. “It was a joke.”  
“I know!” I lie and turn away from him to mask my face, to hide any doubt most likely on display.  
“H…we do this every night. Stop over analyzing everything. It’s not healthy. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you continue.” Louis turns the lamp off and rolls towards me, lays a kiss on my shoulder. “Now go to sleep? You had a rough night.” Yeah right…sleep!? Now?! How? _How!?_ _I need your attention. I need...to not think of Nick. I need to lose myself in you-_

“Harry!” He gently nudges my back.  
“What!!” I sit up and rub my hands down my face, feel the battle stirring in my gut.   
“Look at me.” I turn my head in his direction but refuse to make eye contact. “Like, actually look at me!” He grabs my face with one hand, forces my gaze over. “Please just relax…understand that everything will be okay. I’m right here. I’m not going any place.” He releases my jaw and fluffs my pillow. _For now. You're going to run too._ “Lay down.” I look at him for a second longer than I should and comply. Louis drapes his arm and leg over my abdomen, rests his head on my chest. _You fit so well. I was always meant to be yours…or so I think._ “Goodnight, H.” He sighs and is soon still...silent...fast asleep... leaving me to my destructive brain. _Fuck._

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Goose.

.

.

.

.  
Where is my improvement?

Where's the reassurance?

Why am I still stuck!?  
I question everything he does, analyze his inflections, mannerisms, and tone of voice. I make note of the length of time it takes for him to respond to my emails and texts, how many rings it takes for him to answer my calls…It frightens me how I cannot stop scrutinizing his every move and action. I want to relax and simply enjoy his company…it’s just…   
The doubt lingers over my head like a cloud, my insecurities and possessiveness waiting to crush me and deflect any positivity I wish to obtain. All of my uncertainty is resurfacing in droves leaving me flustered and confused, baring my emotions, testing my strength. I cannot wrap my head around what Louis is doing, what I am doing, what we’re doing. I am unsure of so many things…and cannot find my way out of it. I am simply running in circles on an endless wheel with no end in sight.   
There's no relief.

And I am trapped.

 _Where's Ed?_   
.   
.   
.   
.   
I open my eyes and it’s still dark. I crane my neck to check the clock on the nightstand and it reads 3am. I have at least 4 hours of sleep left, so what gives? I was having the most restful sleep I’ve had in months and I know it’s because of him lying next to me, my dream catcher, my savior, _mine_ . I turn over to face his sleeping form, take in his beautiful face, his sweet features. I could watch him sleep all day and night.   
“I know you’re staring at me.” He murmurs as he rolls into me.   
“I woke up out of nowhere and couldn’t help myself, honestly.”   
“I heard you talking in your sleep again but nothing serious this time around.” His eyes are still closed.   
“Do I do that often?” I ask, I run my fingers across his fringe.   
“Mmhmm…almost every night. Helps me fall asleep actually. Your voice is soothing…all deep, raspy and sexy. Makes me so hot.” He cracks open a lid. “I had to get up a few times to jerk off in the bathroom.”   
“I’d prefer if you woke me and let me do it for you.” _I want your touch!!_   
“I couldn’t disturb you. I know you don’t sleep well all the time so any opportunity you have, I can’t bother you.” He opens his other eye. I tickle the length of his arm trying to gauge his mood, to maybe tempt him even if it's just a quick _rub down._   
“I want you to…you know, start sometimes. We spoke about the rules, right? I gave you permission weeks ago. I’m ready anytime you are.”   
“I refuse to disturb you.” He shuts his eyes again. “Now go back to sleep.”   
“Why do you avoid the topic?” I grunt with displeasure.   
“You pick the worst times to have a heart to heart, you know that?” He groans. “I have a board meeting in the morning. Can we not do this now?”   
“I want to talk!!” I whine like a child.   
“When you start acting like a 23 year old, sure.” He turns over, tugs the blanket one final time, and pretends to be asleep.

Just like Nick, I'm so easy to dismiss when my feelings are involved…guess they’re cut from the same cloth.  
.   
.   
.

.  
Maybe that's why they're so good for each other.

.

.

.

.  
Louis left for the office exceptionally early this morning saying something about _the_ board meeting and an Accounting seminar in the afternoon. He didn't care to divulge much and honestly I didn't probe for answers because I know where he is, know who he's associating with and _what_ he's associated with. I trust him, wholeheartedly...when he's at work.

Absolutely.

_True story._

But I still can't help and think...think of the possibilities, the plethora of _men_ wandering the office, the _females_ who may be attracted to his perky ass and personality...it could be enticing for him, too... intriguing to maybe strike up a conversation, too alluring if they bat their eyelashes towards him, too tempting to try a taste-

I'm shoved from behind then, startled back into my body that happens to be waiting in line at Starbucks _without him_ , my body that has since switched on its autopilot, _my body_ that is in desperate need of affection. I sail forward into the woman standing in front of me, knock her bag off her shoulder, and cause a scene.

“My God! I’m SO sorry!” I help the young lady gather her purse and papers that have since scattered about. “Are you alright?” I look behind me to scold the person who hit me, to give them a piece of my mind. “Excuse me-” I begin but I'm frozen in place, stuck between words, trapped in a box, so transfixed on this person I can't bring myself to move or breathe. _No_. I'm profusely sweating suddenly.

“I'm good.” She says but I can hardly hear her, let alone acknowledge her presence. _Fuck_ .   
“Uh…” She's pulling at my hand then. “What?” I peal my eyes away from the culprit.

“I need those.” She smiles.

“Oh! I'm... _I'm sorry_.” My voice is hushed, uncertain, edgy.

“That's okay! No need to apologize for the inconsiderate patrons waiting on line.” She glances at the person. _Yeah them_ … “I’ve seen you in here before.”

“Um...yes... yes.” I shake my head slightly, close my eyes. “Yes.’ I say with more confidence. “With my _boyfriend._ ” I accentuate.

“Oh...yeah you mean Lo-” She starts.  
“Boyfriend?” The _man_ interjects and I nearly topple over because of course he'd eavesdrop. “Moving on so quickly?” I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand at attention. This isn't happening? Why is he here? Out of every Starbucks to come to? _I thought his office was uptown!?_ I scrounge up my strength, my power, my will to _speak_ and turn to him.   
“As a matter of fact, _Nick_ , yes I did. I was always interested in a committed, long-term, honest, relationship. Unlike _someone_ I used to know.” I snap.   
“Don’t kid yourself, H. We all know what goes on in that wild little noggin of yours.” He pulls at one of my curls but I slap his hand down.   
“Fuck you.”   
“No thanks.” He counters with this devlish look in his eye. “If I'm honest…” He takes a step closer, comes within inches of my face, obstructs my vision. I want to run and hide, forget our relationship ever existed, scratch at my skin that has since begun to itch. “You weren’t all that good to begin with.” My eyes widen in horror, my mouth cracks open in shock, my mind faulters to comprehend his statement. I touch my temple to ease the throbbing, stumble backwards into the woman a second time.   
“Are you alright?” She takes my still injured hand in hers. “Hello?” She leads me to a chair. “Sit down. Let me get you water.” I put my head in my hands, feel the well of tears in my eyes, the crippling ache in my chest. “Here, drink this.” She leans down before me with a cup. “The barista is calling an ambulance for you.”   
“NO!!!” I freak as the head of every person in the coffee shop turns their attention towards _the freak show_ . “P-please?” I look to the woman, plead with my eyes. “I can't go.” I disregard my ex, focus on this woman who decided to lend a helping hand. “I...I just need fresh air.” I lie. _I need a new heart. A new head._   
“Of course.” She hands me a napkin then. “You’re covered in tears.”   
“T-thanks.” She walks me out of the shop and towards a bench.   
“Take a deep breath. It’ll be okay.” She smiles as I sit.

“It's... I'm…” I place my head in my hands, focus on my breathing and heart slamming in my chest. _I wasn't good? I wasn't GOOD? What will Louis think!?_

_Not good?_

_Me!?_

“Take your time. It'll pass.” She joins me.  
“I...I hope?” I manage.   
“It will. Just think of something positive.” _I need to call Ed. Ed. Louis?_

 _I'm not good!!_   
“Don’t let that man ruin your day. Besides, he’s gross.” Her voice is soothing.   
“Gross?” I lift my head.   
“Yeah, he has an ugly smile, is over confident. The usual asshole.” She smirks.

“Uh...y-yeah. He...was the worst.”

“So don't worry about it.” She looks at her watch. “Are you alright?”  
“I’ll be fine. Thank you.”   
“Okay good.” She stands.

“I’m sorry. You didn’t have to…you know…do that.”  
“I wanted to help.” She nods. “You do look a little pale. Maybe you should go home?”   
“I’ll be fine." I attempt to smile.   
“If you insist.” She checks her watch again. “ _The_ boss will kill me if I'm late! I'll see you tomorrow!”   
“Yup.” I look up at her.   
“Have a good day.” She waves and heads towards the towers.   
.   
.   
.   
.   
I am at my desk by 9:15.   
I needed a few more minutes to compose myself before coming to the office. I was a disgusting mess from both the June heat and the ordeal I found myself forced into. I drop Ed a quick text about the confrontation and stash my phone away in the drawer. I obviously cannot tell Louis about it or I'll risk revealing too much of my past and I can't...handle anything more right now.   
Liam walks over soon after.   
“Hey there.”   
“Hi. Sorry I’m late…I had a bit of a…I ran into a problem?” I push a few lingering curls out of my eyes, swipe at my face.   
“That’s fine. I was actually going to say you looked a little pale. If you want you can go home.”   
“B-but I can’t!! I have…I um…” I start to get upset all over again, feel the emotions of running into my ex, my self esteem being bruised, my fucking _luck_ .   
“I’d prefer if you went home. We cannot afford having you sick.” Liam looks down at me with genuine concern. “Go on. I’ll see you tomorrow.”   
“Fine.” I agree and watch him retreat back to his office.   
“See you tomorrow!” He yells.   
“Yeah…yeah…” I mumble as I glance at my computer screen. There are a dozen or so unread emails but I manage to catch the _one_ name I actually care for. _Louis_.

I click it quickly.  
_H-_ _  
_ _I am meeting a friend for lunch today, sorry for the short notice.  I will see you later tonight._ _  
_ _xx_   
I stare at my screen, re-read the email over and over in hopes the words will change, feel my jealousy stirring in the pit of my stomach. I know exactly who that friend is, understand just who he'll be spending his _lunch hour with,_ probably sucking off in the elevator or fucking in the bathroom!! I slam my hand on the desk in vexation, fear, apprehension. This cannot be happening? Right? Maybe it's someone else? Maybe it's his friend from college? Nick is a friend from college...what if he's…

_Are they going out the same night of the game!?_

I'm hyperventilating, completely losing my shit, feel any semblance of control evaporating.

Of course the moment _Nick_ shows up Louis drops everything to see him, finds a spare moment during his normally chaotic work day, fucks up _our_ planned lunch date! Am I that forgettable? Am I not as important!? _Not good in bed?! Is that it!?_   
I delete the email immediately, stand from the desk and practically run to the stairs to escape. I'm suffocating, my stomach is in knots, my heart is on fire...I cannot even see through the tunnel vision obscuring my vision.   
I need a hug.   
.   
.   
.   
.   
I reach the apartment. It’s 10:45am, the sun is bright, the sky cloudless, the air warm. It’s a wonderful feeling…but too bad I am a hurricane of emotions on the inside and can’t even be bothered with it.

I immediately drop my bag, kick off my shoes and flop onto the couch. I grip a pillow to my chest wishing it were _someone_ reliable and wait for my brain to kick into overdrive to drown me in my thoughts. My disgusting brain that assumes the worst...   
I cry into the soft material as images of Louis and Nick fucking come to mind. It's instant really, it's the worst possible outcome, the most terrifying because what if it _does_ happen!? What if...what if I was meant to bring them back together!?   
_Me!? The freak whose bad in bed!?_

_Or what if Louis mentions me? What will happen then?_

Is this how he'll find out about us!? Can I...can I-  
I break down into the pillow, hold it even tighter to my aching chest, find my confidence so far gone and broken now I'm certain I may never pick up the pieces.

There is just no relief in sight, nothing positive in the near future... its just black, all black, a pit of some sorts.

A deep, bottomless pit.  
.   
.   
.   
.   
My mind is racing. I’ve been home now for who knows how long and I have yet to move from the couch. I may even call out sick tomorrow depending how _their_ lunch went. _Oh God... fuck!! Why?_   
My front door swings open then. _What now?_   
“Holy fuck, Harry!” Louis shouts. “What are you doing?!” I hear him stomp over, _feel_ his anger radiating off of him. “I cannot take when you disappear like this. I couldn’t even concentrate at work!” I feel his small hand grip my shoulder. I am just too depressed to care at the moment. “Look at me.” He pulls at my arm. “Harry, look at me!!” I’ve never heard this tone of voice before, it almost convinces me to move, but no. “Fine. I’m going then. When you decide to grow the fuck up, call me.” He releases me roughly and stands. I hear his retreating footsteps and can assume he is _leaving_ all because of my lack of confidence. “What happened, huh?” I was wrong. “Did I do something? Was it what I said about wearing socks to sleep? Can you at least throw me a fuckin bone here!?” His feet shuffle against the floor. “I have never been with someone who is so…” So what?   
“Fucked up?” I croak.   
“Elusive. Insecure.” He walks over again (I think?), places his head on my shoulder. “Why?” I hear the longing in his voice, the determination, the adamance. But I shrug once. “That’s not _good_ enough!” He lifts his head. “We are going slow H, just like you wanted to. I know you fight me on it but I can’t see you hurt again! Clearly you’ve experienced something so traumatizing it still affects you to this day. I refuse to cross that line. I want to see you smile, hear you laugh, make your heart complete, understand what you keep locked away.” _Why? What will you gain from it?_   
“I’m weird.” I confess.   
“You’re different.” He tugs my shoulder, forces me on my back. “Do you think I’m normal? Because honestly, we all have our quirks…I’m an introvert, I despise being out of my comfort zone, hate being challenged. That’s why I work all the time including Friday nights. It’s something I know, understand, and have control over.” He rubs my cheek with such tenderness I nearly cry all over again. “Like, what 25 year old is a Manager at one of the largest financial services firms in the US? I got where I am to prevent being alone all the time, to keep myself busy, to avoid social situations. I barely go home too, especially after my mother past.” I look into his eyes. His mom? “Yeah, she died last year. I miss her…a lot and I know my siblings do too but they have my step-father. They’re doing alright.” I have to call my mom. “I use work as my crutch, to keep my head focused, forget what really is happening around me. It’s not healthy…but I am trying to live my life as best I can, even if it’s filled with numbers and budgets…it’s what I do. Can’t help it because it makes me...who I am!” He pauses. “So you see? I'm weird too. My own kind of weird.” He strokes my cheek, smiles a sad smile, comforts me the best he can. “And there is no shame in admitting your faults.” He adds. But I scoff, have a sudden need to vomit suddenly. “Oh stop it. It's your turn...talk to me.”   
“Care to elaborate about your Friday nights?” I manage.   
“After everything I've just said...that's what you pick up on?” He sighs.

“I'm doing what you asked of me. I'm _talking_.” I grunt, roll my eyes, feel my stomach churn.

“I lied about Happy Hour, okay? I didn’t want you to think I was a complete loser. And I hate alcohol too. I got hammered so quickly on our first date because I am a light weight and haven’t really drank like that since college…”  
“Why did you do it then?” I ask in earnest.   
“I was nervous...” He seems lost in thought. “Very... nervous because...well, you seemed confident in winning me over and I was just…” He shrugs, diverts his gaze for a moment, hums underneath his breath. “Enough of this! Your turn.” He pinches my cheek.   
“Owe!!” I touch the sore spot, rub it out. “No need to be so violent.”

“Speak. Now.” He grunts.

“ _Fine_ …right…well.. let's just...” _What do I say_ ? “I um…I was obsessed with a guy once.” I nod.   
“Alright…go on.” I turn my body over to face him, to calculate his expression, to _read_ his impulse reaction.   
“Go on?” I repeat. “Uh…I suppose.” I scratch my head with my good hand contemplating the ways I am able to weave Nick out of the story that is undoubtedly about him.   
“Harry, stop stalling. Elaborate please.” He begins unraveling the bandage.   
“The guy was a friend with benefits and um…we eventually started to date but it all turned out to be a lie.” I rush out.   
“Are you just saying it was a lie?”   
“No, Lou. It was an actual lie. He admitted it to me when we broke up. He used me for sex and wanted nothing to do with me otherwise. It sort of ruined me…made me fear new relationships.”   
“You had a shitty boyfriend and are now insecure about us?” There is much more to this then you know…   
“For the most part?”   
“Well, I’m not lying about my feelings towards you and I am certainly not using you.”   
“Yeah well...” My hand is unwrapped, the burn is still an awful deep crimson but healing nonetheless.   
“Trust me? I know it won’t happen overnight, but I will never intentionally hurt you for my benefit.”

“It's easier said then done and _trust me_ , I want to believe in you. It's just...been difficult for me is all.”

“I understand, but I am willing to be patient, to wait for you, to understand those idiosyncrasies. Alright?” I look into his irises, nearly choke on my tongue, find the genuitity in his expression. _Patience? You'll be…_ “I am not whomever did this to you. I'm Louis.” He smirks, shakes my hand. “Pleased to meet you.”

“You're a dork.” I smirk, feel my heart opening up to him.  
“A caring dork. I care about you.”

“I…” I squeeze his hand. “I care about you too.” I nod in agreement. “And I appreciate your tolerance. Really.”

“Yeah...well you nearly gave me a heart attack today.” He rolls his eyes. “What happened anyway? Did you leave work early?” He places the used bandage on the coffee table.   
“I wasn’t feeling well. My boss sent me home.” My nerves are prickling at the hairs on my arms.   
“Well you read my email and failed to respond.” He looks away.

“I was upset.”  
“So your solution was to run away again?”

“No, I was sent home.” I say. “I didn't have the chance to.” LIE.  
“Well, are you still?” He looks to me expectantly.   
“No.” I shake my head. “No...not anymore.” I'm just fucking scared shitless. No big deal. “Who did you go with?” I ask spontaneously.   
“Remember the guy you knew from school?” My heart sinks, my blood begins to boil. “Well…my ex?” _Ditto._   
“Yuh.” I look down at his suit.   
“Him. He was in the area for a meeting and wanted to say hi.” Or get in your pants. _Suck you off. Throw you against your desk and fuck you until you screamed his name so loud you alerted the neighbors who then called the cops because they thought you were being assaulted-_

Oh wait…

I shake my head.  
“I see…how was it?” I clear my throat.   
“Good. I was distracted the entire time though.” He starts to undo his tie.   
“Why?” I watch his fingers work the fabric open.   
“You always respond to my emails and you didn’t today.” He throws the tie down on the table, unbuttons his shirt.   
“I read it and left. Bosses orders. I didn’t have time to and I think my phone is in my desk still.”   
“I figured that much.” Louis stands, dusts off his slacks. _Ed is going to murder me._   
“Distracted, though?” I sit up and watch him pace.   
“Precisely. Nick caught on and asked what was up. So, I told him.” That crippling sensation has returned.   
“T-told him what?” _Oh fuck. This is it? But wouldn't he have reacted sooner?_   
“That I am dating you.” _Oh fuck me._ “He didn’t want details and I didn’t offer.” My tummy turns over in my gut.   
“Does…um, does he remember who I am?” I may vomit all over the floor actually.   
“I only gave a name, I’m sure he has met many Harry’s throughout his life.” Um…well we _dated_ for quite some time. “You look pale.”

“I...I do?” I swallow past the saliva flooding my mouth and the tingle in my cheeks. “I...um…” I touch my forehead.

“Yeah, you're very... very-”

“Excuse me!!” I jump from the couch, sense the nausea slinking its way up my abdomen and throat. _Nick will figure it out. He will. I know it!!!!_ _He'll put two and two together, remember meeting me at Starbucks, assume since I work within such close proximity of his ex boyfriend, he'll believe it's me!!!_ I choke on a sob, feel my nerves twisting at my already weakened stomach. _No...no_!

I just make it to the bathroom before I proceed to get sick all over the tiles. I am wound up, my head is pounding, my body weak from the lack of use and the bouts of illness that overcame me. I feel Louis’ stare on my back, his _scrutinizing_ gaze. _Yeah..._

“Oh no.” I close my eyes, feel another wave hit me like a ton of bricks.  
“Ugh…” Is all I say as I clutch my tummy.   
“Alright, um…here come to the sink and rinse your mouth.” I blindly reach for his outstretched hand, allow him to guide me to the counter. I lean ungraciously into it, feel the weakness in my limbs. “Here brush up and I'll get you to bed.” I nod but my stomach clenches as the sickness makes its way up again. I throw the toothbrush out of my mouth and vomit all over the vanity and sink. “AH!!” Louis jumps away. “What did you eat!?”

“You?” I ask and begin to cry.  
About a half hour and three more vomit sessions later, I am in bed with a cold compress on my forehead, sheets pulled up to my neck, and a very weary Louis lying next to me.   
“I hope you don’t have the stomach flu.” Louis’ voice is soft.   
“M-me too?” I run my tongue over my teeth.   
“Are you okay now? I have to go back to the office.” He sits up. “You still look a little pale.”

“The... _office_ !?” I want your body near me.   
“Yeah. I had to leave unexpectedly to help you.”

“Oh…” I pull the sheets further up to cover my head. “I’ll be alright. Sorry to be a bother.”  
“You were not bothering me. I came on my own.” He stands from the bed.   
“What time is it?” I squeak out.   
“A little after 6.”   
“You left work _that_ early?” I pull the sheet down to look at him.   
“Yes.” He clears his throat and diverts his gaze. “You worried me. I went to your office looking for you.” I stop breathing momentarily. “See? If I were using you I wouldn’t have cared.” He sits back down, leans over me. I watch his every move. _You’re so beautiful. I don’t deserve you._ “I will get your cellphone and bring it home later.” Home.

_Home._

“Home?” I choke on a sob.  
“Yes, home.” He kisses my forehead. “See you later, H.”

_Home is where the LIES are._

I choke on a sob the instant the door clicks shut.


	11. Heated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yeah. You look sexy.” I'm aghast.  
> “Tied up!?” He nods. “B-but-”  
> “Yes, H. And when you're standing up, lying down, sleeping, laughing...well more so when you're laughing, being yourself, living life.” My eyes widen. What's he saying? “You're sexy, beautiful, intelligent, kind.”  
> “Uhmm...um…”  
> “I thank the heavens every day I met you, that our paths crossed...and that you looked at my crotch.”

[E]: Dude, you can’t just text me shit like that.  
[H]: Sorry. I forgot my phone at work and couldn't explain.   
[E]: No Excuses. You have a home phone.   
[H]: I passed out when I got home!   
[H]: I got so sick!   
[E]: Whatever.   
[H]: I have the stomach flu or something...I don't know.   
[E]: So I guess we’re missing the baseball game?   
_This game is giving me more grief…_

I've been sick since I came home, missed two consecutive days of work because of it and now I have to tame my best friend before he murders me where I stand. I haven't eaten, can hardly drink or keep my eyes open, I'm barely a human and Ed doesn't believe me. _Great_.

I call him immediately to diffuse his anger and more so my twisting stomach.   
“Hello?” His tone is flat, lifeless.   
“Hi.” My voice is just above a whisper.   
“What do you want?” He snaps and my eyes widen at his brashness.   
“Really? Are you doing this?” I croak. “What do you want me to do?” I hold my abdomen with my free hand, suppress the discomfort.   
“I’m _very_ busy at work.” He doesn't sound like himself. _This isn't my best friend._   
“Stop being a douche.” I curl my knees into my chest. “I told you, I have a stomach bug! How do you expect me to go out? I can barely move from the couch!” Can’t he hear the weakness in my voice, my exhaustion!? _My pleading!?_

 _I need you Ed, don't do this._   
“It’s just convenient…whatever, man. I have shit to do.” The line goes dead. He hung up on me. My best friend hung up on me over a stupid game, over nonsense! I call him back instantly, scrounge up my remaining strength. “I told-”   
“What will convince you that I’m actually sick? Do you want to see photos of me physically throwing up all over the place?” I attempt to sound stern but my body hurts. “Or go through my garbage? Or dirty laundry?”   
“You’re doing that thing again where you disappear because of some guy.”   
“Good to know you don't believe me.” I wince.   
“Well, you’re lying to what’s his face so why would I be any different?!” Beads of sweat begin to form on my brow.   
“Because I have my reasons!!!!” I yell into the phone attempting to what? What am I doing? Why is he so angry? Why am I reacting like this? Why is my heart and soul crying? “It’s a stupid baseball game. Who the fuck cares, Ed! Come on-”   
“That’s not the point, _Harry_ , and you know it. When was the last time we spoke, huh?”   
“I…I um…” I pause. _I was running from Louis’ condo. I texted him. That was...when was that?_ “I...I don't-”   
“See? You started this relationship and now I'm thrown to the wolves once again. _Ignored_ .”   
“It’s not like you reach out to me-”   
“I am busy with a _job_ , not some fuck buddy!” I flinch at that comment. _Fuck buddy._   
“It’s a two way street, Ed. You can’t sit there and blame me for something you’re just as guilty of doing! How could you do this to me? Blame me? Get angry at the fact that _I am sick_ . I probably lost 10 pounds in 2 days!”   
“You’ve done it in the past and only came to me when you needed to cry or vent about some random jackass you banged or Nick…and now this Lewis person-”   
“Louis.” I grunt.   
“I don’t give a shit what his name is! You’re so self-centered, hardly pay any mind to those around you! You only think of yourself _all the time_ and it hurts!” I gasp, feel a lump in my throat.   
“What the fuck are you saying?! Where is this coming from?” My body is aching, failing me, burning up. _And it's not the illness._ My eyes are stinging with tears.   
“I am tired of only being there when it’s convenient for you, being involved in your petty, insignificant _shit_ when  really in the grand scheme of things means absolutely nothing.” _Nothing!? Means nothing-_ “It’s time to accept the fact that you fucked up and will continue to unless you learn to _accept the consequences_ . So please do _everyone_ a favor and move the _fuck on_ !!!” The line goes dead again and I'm left in utter shock.   
My ears are ringing, my brain is reciting his hurtful words, my thoughts are jumbled and incoherent. I can't do much right now except stare at the wall and pray the answer appears in black and white in large enough print. Ed told me off, basically said a fat _fuck you_ and hung up. He disconnected our call, was tired enough to simply let me go and disregard my illness all together. He thinks I'm lying, believes I was avoiding him to go _fuck_ my boyfriend when that was the last thing on my mind. I thought about him when the times got tough,   _thought_ about him when I was alone, _thought about him_ when I...when I need to...when I-   
The nausea is instant, the tingling my warning sign, the churning of my belly the end all. _Not again!!_ I run to the bathroom and proceed to get sick...again.   
And over again.

And again until my insides burn and my eyes are sealed shut.

And I know it's because of him. I know I'm sick because of Ed, so sick because he bared the truth, admitted my faults aloud, pressed the truth into my heart, hit me where I hurt the most. _Burned me._ He cut me in two. He hung up on me when I am most vulnerable. _He left me like how I left him._   
I hurt me too.

.  
.   
.   
.   
It's the 4th of July.

It's insanely hot and humid.

I may sweat right through my shorts and tank before we make it to the Empire State Building.  
“OH I need to get something in here.” Louis stops in front of a stationary store as we make our way to the subway.   
“For what?” I groan. I adjust the fedora on my head to block out the sun.   
“Wait here.” He’s out of sight in the blink of an eye.   
“But what-” I sigh. “Okay...I'll just... wait here.” I stand under a small tree for shade and check my phone to see if maybe Ed decided to reach out but nope... _nothing_ . “Damnit.” I whisper. “Grrrr.” I shift my weight in frustration, contemplate dropping a _nasty_ text, telling him off once and for all, having the _last word_.

_Yeah... I'll really make him bust!!_

_But_... it's my best friend. It's Ed.

How could I possibly think like this when all I need is a simple hello how are you? _Anything_!?

It's been silence from him since that day, since the day he called me self-centered, said my problems were petty... basically laid it all out there to seep under my skin, to _help me_ clarify all of my wrongdoings I've done. I still ache, still feel the residual sting in my heart where he managed to cut, feel his words slicing like a knife. He's what mattered, he was the one I cared for and still do. But why do this? Why not discuss this with me in a calm demeanor? Why not _simply speak to me_ ? _Or forgive me already!?_

_I need your forgiveness...I need...I need you!!_

“Okay done, let’s go.” Louis reappears holding a black plastic bag.  
“What did you buy?” I recover.   
“It’s a surprise, silly. Come on” He reaches for my hand and drags me the rest of the way to the train.   
.   
.   
.   
.   
We’re standing in line 85 stories up and I’m basically freaking out, sweating, swaying with the building, losing focus.   
“Hellooooo.” Louis waves his hand in front of my face seeking my attention. “What’s up?” I look to him.   
“Good, I’m fine. How are you?” I rush out, plaster on a fake smile.   
“Oh, Harry.” He smirks and takes my hand, gives it a light squeeze of reassurance. “There will be a nice breeze once we’re outside.”   
“Ugh... I think there will be…heat, a lot of _heat_ .” We reach the elevators to take us to the observation deck.   
“Stop dragging your feet!” He tugs me. “Count back from 100. It’ll distract you.”   
“This entire experience is distracting!! I’m nervous, okay?”   
“About what?”   
“What if someone decides to…I don’t know, attack the building?”   
“Don’t say shit like that.” He snaps.   
“Sorry…” I bite at my lip.   
“You were in my office, I don’t understand. You seemed fine.”   
“I wasnt the only one trying to make a good _first_ impression that night.” I murmur.   
“Oh, so now you gave up trying?” He nudges me gently.   
“You know what I mean.” I roll my eyes in exasperation.

“I know I'm just messing with you.”

Soon we are directed into an over crowded elevator, pushed towards the back, shoved into the corner. It's incredibly hot, far too stifling for my comfort, and filled with the smell of sun tan lotion, sweat, and just…grossness.

It makes me think if this is safe, that maybe they want to shove as many bodies into one car to relieve the lines? Shorten the wait? Put our lives in danger!? _I think I’m going to be_ \- We jerk to the right, then the left...then the floor seems to gyrate!

“Wh-why….why is it _shaking_ ?” I shriek the moment I feel the jostle.   
“We’re going up, H. Calm down.” I grip Louis’ hand so tight.   
“B-but we’re...we…we are-” I touch my forehead to my palm, breathe in and out. “It's...not _simply_ going up!”   
“It’s an old building, these things happen.” His voice is hushed.   
“Shake?! That isn't _normal_.” I seethe.

“Harry, calm down.” He pulls my hand towards the ground, tugs me rather harshly actually.

“ _I am anything but calm_ -” DING!! “I'm saved!!” I push my way out of the elevator, disregard the cusses and grunts and practically collapse onto the floor the moment I'm free. “Oh my God, air...air!” I claw at the collar of my shirt, gasp for the clean oxygen I was momentarily deprived of.   
“You’re such a wreck!” Louis walks calmly from the car with a shit eating grin across his adorable face. “Are you alright?” He approaches.

“Mmm.” I take a deep breath. “Now I am.”

“Good. Let's go.” He grips my sweated hand and leads me out onto the observation deck. “Wow it's so beautiful.” He releases his hold and walks right to the rot iron railing. “Harry, come on.” He waves me over.  
“I think this was a bad idea.” I am standing by the entrance facing the facade, ignoring the view all together.   
“This is why I bought _him_ .” He opens the plastic bag to reveal a stuffed brown teddy bear. “H, meet Howard.” He holds the small plush toy out in my direction.   
“Howard?” Is he joking?   
“Yeah from _Sleepless in Seattle_ . The little boy, Jonah, has a bear named Howard.”   
“Oh. You watched it?” I take it from his outstretched hand and smash it to my chest. I feel like such a fool…a grown man holding onto a stuffed animal like a damn child. Surprisingly though, and I cannot confirm how, I feel better.   
“I did. Good movie.” He touches my forearm.   
“Thank you.”

“No, Harry…” He reaches for my hand again. “Thank you.”  
We walk for what feels like hours, round...and around...and around some more, until I am certain I saw Central Park about a dozen times. I mean, yes, you normally do not see the city from this angle, however, how many times can I admire a treetop?   
“Where’d you find that thing?” He flicks the brim of my Fedora.   
“I’ve had it for a while.” I frown. “Why? You don’t like it?” _I'll stop wearing it._   
“No, I like it a lot, you look cute.” He flicks it again.   
“I don’t look cute!” I clutch the bear tighter.   
“Um…” He eyes me skeptically, takes in my current state of ridiculousness, snorts once...twice.   
“Shut up!” I snap.   
“Sorry!!” He hides his lips. “So...has Ed climbed out of his hole yet?” I divert my gaze, pinch my thigh, feel the hurt creep up into my abdomen.   
“Oh uh…yeah he’s been super busy.” I lie. _Why?_   
“The studio must be working him hard.”   
“There’s a lot going on I guess.” I shrug with an air of nonchalance, continue walking towards the exit.   
“I see…will I ever meet him?” I feel the weight of his stare on my back as he catches up.   
“Y-yes. Absolutely.” There's that ache again...that stupid _ache_ !   
“I’d like that, you know? Meet your best friend?”   
“I know, I know. You will. It’ll happen. I promise.” I take his hand in mine. “Can we go now? I think I’ve seen enough.”   
“Sure.”   
Let’s just pretend the descent was better.   
.   
.   
.   
.   
We are back down at street level walking with no direction in mind. It's a beautiful day, a _hot_ and humid day, a lovely _day_ to be indoors or in a pool somewhere. _Or maybe hanging out with a certain red head...maybe?_   
I look to Louis who seems to be lost in thought. In fact, now that I think about it, he hasn't spoken much since we left the observation deck.   
“What’s wrong?” I ask him as we follow the crowd through Times Square.   
“Are you embarrassed of me?” He blurts. At first I thought I was mistaken, _at first_ I thought he asked me…

 _Are you embarrassed_ _of me_.

But then I realize, oh...he did?  
“Where did that come from?” We stop at the corner. “What could I possibly be embarrassed about?”   
“Well I don’t know. I feel as if…like…ugh how do I put this?” He turns away, wrings his hands, seems a little troubled.   
“What is it, Louis?” People start to move but we're still... blocking the crowded corner. I get bumped.   
“Do you not want him to meet me? Is it my personality? Am I not fun enough?” He begins his barrage of questions. “Is it the haircut? My clothes? My...my...voice? What's wrong with me?” I shake my head in disbelief.

“Lou-” I get bumped again. “Grrrr!”

“I know I talk about work and numbers and boring shit all the time but what is it?” I am unable to comprehend anything spewing fron his mouth. “Do you think he’ll hate me?” He peers at me through the corner of his eye.   
“Why do you think any of this?” I get bumped again. “I told you he’s really busy. He has a very important job!” _He hates me don't worry about it, Lou_ .   
“Don’t get angry! I’m simply asking a question.” _I'm angry at the situation!! Not you...never you._   
“A ridiculous one!” I cannot understand the meaning of his concern and why he insists on bringing it up at a time like this. “Jesus, way to kill the mood.” I mumble. “And you say I bring up stupid shit at the _wrong time-_ ” I get bumped from behind and actually _lose it_ . “Watch it, prick!” I shout at the man's retreating back.   
“Fuck off, faggot!” They continue on their way without another word.   
“Oh...well I guess I deserved that.” I turn back to Louis. “So-...huh?” I'm alone. “Lou?” I turn around into the crowd of people, immediately start to panic as I continue searching through the throng of tourists. He is no where in sight!! I smash Howard against my chest in fear, feel my limbs go numb. What the actual fuck! “Lou! This isn’t funny! Where are you?!” I am practically yelling at the top of my lungs. “Fuck fuck fuck.” I circle around again, walk back up the street against the flow of bodies, crane my neck to catch a glimpse of his floppy head. “Louis!!!” I shout past the tears. “Lou...God _Lou!”_ He hates me that's it. He hates me and Ed hates me. My ex hates me. Everyone hates-

“Hey, you're going in the wrong  direction.” _Me._ He tugs me back to him, reveals my most likely _angered_ expression, my concern, my fear for fuck’s sake! “I wanted a pretzel.” He takes a bite of the soft dough as if _everything_ is peachy fucking kean! I roll my eyes, grunt, and walk away from him. “Harry? I was hungry!! I worked up an appetite….oh, there we go! Stop running away!!”   
“There are so many people around damn it, don’t do that!!” I swipe at my eyes, thank the Lord I am wearing sunglasses, and just _trudge_ on.   
“I’m a grown man, Harry. Calm down.”   
“No! I will not calm down. You know how I am!!!” I shout. “There are countless tourists here... _crazed individuals!!_ Something could have happened!” I clutch at Howard, disregard the looks from the passersby. I feel the tenseness in my shoulders, feel my chest tighten as this irrational fear consunes me. “It’s just…that...that...” I grip the hem of my shirt, feel the words slipping from the tip of my tongue. He catches up, touches my forearm, pouts his bottom lip.   
“Harry...” His tone is gentle.

“Louis, don't do that to me again.” His mouth is in a straight line. “ _Ever_ .” I accentuate to get my _very_ serious point across.

“B-but...but I-” He seems...timid. “Harry I didn't-”

“I've been abandoned in a crowded room many times.” I confess. “It never gets easier really.” I nod at the memory of Nick leaving me to wander off into a party. “If anything, the feeling only intensifies, cripples me a little more.” He used to come back hours later, find me a little tipsy, and usually in the arms of another man. But...he never cared. He liked it. Wished for it most likely...was hopeful that I'd moved on.

“What?” His fingers encircle my waist, his voice is... hushed. “Hey, I-”

“It's a slower process for me, Lou.” I choke, attempt to slow the trembling in my lower lip. “I'm not as...cut and dry as you are.” I swallow past the lump in my throat.

“Slow?”

“Yes. I... _slow._ I need to sort through everything, weed out the shit, tell you everything.” Eventually.

“I'm... waiting.” He shakes his head. “I mean, I'm _waiting_ for you. Don't worry.” His expression is grave, serious. “Don't worry.” _I am worried. I am because if you walk away I'll be left with nothing._   
.   
.   
.   
.   
“Thanks for Howard.” I say as we walk through the treelined paths in Central Park. Our conversation was minimal on our way over, actually non existent after my slight outburst earlier.   
“No problem. I was afraid you were going to break my fingers so I figured an inanimate object would do the trick.” Louis has his arm around my waist and hand settled in my back pocket, occasionally squeezes his fingers here and there.

“It did. Relieved _some_ of my stress.” I smirk. “I had fun regardless.” He gropes me harder then. “Hey!!” I turn away from him. “If you continue with your obscene gestures, I'll be forced to take you in the back of a cab! And don't think for _one second_ I'll take it easy!” I jest as I reach for his ass. But he's swift, turns away from my touch.

“Not unless you catch me!” He runs up the small path.

“Get back here!!” I follow after him, feel a swell of contentment in my chest and heart, hear his adorable giggles echoing through the trees.

“Nope!!” He blows a raspberry and continues on his way.

“Why you little-”

“Don't say little!!” He stops about 50 feet away, leans heavily on his thighs, catches his breath. “Woah...I'm out of shape.” I catch up to him, grip his forearms, and tug him to my chest.

“You have a shit diet, _Louis_ .” I purse my lips, feel my arousal sitting uncomfortably in the pit of my stomach. “Maybe you should consider a more _active_ lifestyle.” I look deep into his eyes, find his pupils dilating.

“I'd consider that, yeah.” He leans up, runs a finger over my cheek, puckers his lips. “You can be my personal-”

“Can we leave?” I ask suddenly. “Like, as in go home?”

“Why? Is everything okay?” His expression changes, his demeanor.

“I'm hot.” I nod.

“You are hot.” He winks, plants a chaste kiss on my lips.

“Inside and out?” I hold him as close as I can.

“All over.” He mumbles and kisses me again.

“Mmm…”

“Let's go.” He grips my hand and directs us towards the subway.   
.   
.   
.   
.   
“Oh it feels great in here!” Louis announces as we enter his condo.

“You left the air on again.”

“Yes, _on purpose_.”

“Um, no Louis. Just admit you forgot for once? Please?”

“Not if I did it on purpose!” He disappears down the hallway then.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night…” I mumble and quickly pull my phone free. It's been a few hours, there's a a slight chance Ed could have responded within that time. But _nope_ . I scroll through the string of texts just in case I didn't miss anything, feel my anxiety, the fear, the loneliness because there's nothing! It proves he doesn't...care, he _doesn't_ want to be bothered with me anymore, is over our friendship! _Oh my God? What do I do?_   
[H]: Ed, say something to me.   
[H]: I went by your place yesterday.   
[H]: I was wrong, okay? I admit it.   
[H]: I can’t deal with the silence.   
[H]: Talk to me please.   
[H]: I need you.   
_I need you. I need you don't you see?_

I need you both.  
.   
.   
.   
.   
“What time are we going to Niall's?” He asks the moment I enter his room. I squash down my fear, disregard the pain in my chest, focus my energy on Louis.

“Around...9ish?” I sit at the foot of his bed, clasp my hands together.

“Good. Take off your shirt.” I eye him skeptically.

“Why?”

“No questions. Now come on.” He gestures towards me.  
“Mmm...okay.” I shrug and do as I'm told. I throw it to the ground.   
“Great now lay flat on your back.” A smile tugs at my lips, find my thoughts of Ed are temporarily locked away in the back of my brain.

“Oh now I see where this is going.” The butterflies in my stomach come alive.

“Can you shush?” He snaps, puts his hands on his hips.

“Fine... _fine_.” I follow his instructions. “There-”

“Put your hands above your head.” I stare at him quizzically.   
“W-why?” _I really like where this is heading_ .   
“I want you to trust me.” He states matter of fact.   
“I do trust you.”   
“Then lift your arms and don't ask why.” I grip the headboard. “Now I’m going to blindfold you-”   
“What is this? A trust fall? Without the actual...fall?” I move my arms to sit up but he pushes me back.   
“If you move your hands again, I will not think twice about using these.” He holds up a pair of handcuffs lined with pink fur. I nearly burst into laughter at the sight because _fuck_ this is turning me on.   
“Okay, I'll gladly disobey now.” I waggle my eyebrows.   
“Seriously?” His eyes widen.   
“I wouldn't mind, no.” I admit.

“Oh…” He looks away as his cheeks flush.

“Weren't expecting that reaction?” I sit up on my elbows.

“Uh...no actually. I wasn't.”

“It's a lot of fun.” It's difficult to hide the excitement between my legs, the stirring in my abdomen. “Like… _a lot_ of fun.”

“Oh.” He squeaks, clears his throat. “Right, so lay back down then and let me...let me _handcuff_ and blindfold you.” He sits astride my hips, hastily ties a scarf around my head.

“Why are you doing this if you're not comfortable?” I ask as he pushes me back.

“Who said I'm not comfortable?” He's trembling as he fastens the cuffs.

“Your expression, your hesitancy, the quaking in your  hands.” He clears his throat.

“Well… well I-”

“It's okay you know.” My voice is gentle, reassuring.

“But...but I'm not _uncomfortable_ .” He practically spits the word. “I want you to _feel_ how much I care about you not so much _see_ .” My heart is overflowing with affection suddenly.   
“I understand so you robbed me of my senses, are taking control...in a _good_ way _.”_   
“Yes. You're always too focused on my needs and my pleasure so now it's your turn. _And_ …” He slides down my legs. “I think this will help you understand my intentions.”   
“What would that be?” I whisper.   
“I’m not here to fuck around or play with your emotions, abandon you or make you feel... _sorry_ .” I close my eyes at the thought, at his kindness. “You deserve happiness and I'm here to prove just that.” My heart stutters.   
“I...I don't know…” What to say because I... _fuck. I don't deserve you, Louis I don't...God I don't._ He tugs at my shorts, pulls them down my legs.

“Shh...it's okay.” He says. _Is it okay_ ? It doesn't feel okay...none of this feels okay!!   
He places head phones over my ears then.

“Wait but…what?” I feel Louis moving around and without any sense of sight or sound I havent a clue what is unraveling before me. “What are you doing?” I may or may not be speaking too loudly. “What is this?” He lifts an ear piece and speaks.  
“Claude Debussy. The piece entitled Nocturnes Clouds. Relax.”

“You weren't kidding about the whole trust thing.”  
“I wasn’t. Just…be calm and listen to the music.” He adjusts the headphones over my ears and raises the volume. How is this helping me? I can’t see, hear, feel. This is-  
His lips graze my neck first. _Woah._  
They're featherlight, soft whispers, barely a touch, but it's just enough, such a simple connection yet the most substantial. I close my eyes beneath the scarf, grip the headboard, and focus solely on his movements, on his tongue, on the slight pulling sensation on my skin as he makes his way across my Adam's apple. He isn't touching me any place else, just his lips and tongue, not even his hands. _How is he doing_ _this_?

I feel my breathing pick up, feel my heart jumping out of my chest, feel my entire body come alive, and he isn't even past my _-_

He bites at the base of my throat, sucks feverishly at my skin as if to mark it, as if to mark...me, make me his...show _every fucking person_ I belong to him!

“L-Lou-” I whisper into the air but he spanks the inside of my thigh. “Oh!! F-fuck.” I groan, pull at the cuffs, arch my back. He does it again. “Lou!” A _third_ slap and it's so close to my cock! I bite at my lip to stifle my moan, relax into the bedding, feel the stinging sensation radiating on my leg. It's fucking incredible.

He moves further south then, kisses at my collar bone, licks at my skin as if to taste it, blows cold air across my heated skin. He's relinquishing my control, forcing these sensations all over my body, allowing me the chance to enjoy it...to _not_ ... _think of his needs._

But of course I think of him. How can I not?  
He moves past my belly button, moves incredibly close to my throbbing cock, inches closer and closer...so close...! _Fuck...touch me!_ My leg twitches at the thought, my body temperature spikes, my brain spirals out of control!

“Louis!” I shout as he purposely moves past my erection and onto my inner thigh instead. He bites down, makes me shriek, whine, whimper...who knows! It's driving me up the wall! I can't even begin to decipher these emotions.  
His lips seemingly disappear.

He's completely gone.

“Louis?” I ask gently. “Lou?” I struggle against the bindings, feel a smidgen of my anxiety resurface, my possessiveness pushing it's way through. “Louis!” I attempt to sit up but am pulled back by my hands, trapped. “Where are... don't-” His fingers lace through my curls, his hot mouth seeks out my own and I'm in heaven. I can feel the reverberations of his moaning against me, feel the slight tremor in his hands. But he doesn't let up. He continues on, kisses me senseless, grips at my hair. I fight against the cuffs, curse myself for being so fucking easy because all I want to do now is touch his perfect skin. He disappears once more, leaves me panting, sweating... _begging_ ! “Louis!! When you uncuff my hands I swear to God!” I grunt in frustration. There's a dip in the mattress then. “What-” He takes hold of my legs, bends them, spreads them. “Oh fuck.” I moan into the space between us. “F-fuck...fuck...fuck.” He shimmies towards me, places a delicate hand on my torso, pinches my skin between his finger tips. I thrust my hips up, throw my head into the pillows. “ _Lou_ !” I groan. He nudges me, pushes my leg down flush against the mattress. _What is he doing!?_ Then there's a sting, a sudden wetness, something _sharp_ poking into my...right into- “Oh...oh fuck...holy shit...you...are…” His finger is pumping into me, speeding up his rhythm, his _momentum_ ... spreading me wider...and _wider_ !! He pinches my torso as he moves, distracts me from the discomfort between my legs, and the build up of pressure. “L-let...I need...I want to touch you!” I whine. “C-come...on... please!” He adds a second finger and I nearly convulse where I lay. He's not stopping either, he twists his hand, drives further in, hooks his fingers, and pinches... pinches!! I'm breathless, panting, gripping the cuffs so tight I'm certain my fingers are purple. 

He slips in the third and I'm done for. My hips are dancing, my mind is trapped in this room and under Louis’ spell, my body succumbing to his dominance with just the flick of his dainty wrists and swipe of his tongue. He enraptured me, took my heart in his hands and gave it a steadier beat, forced the stale air from my lungs…finally giving me the opportunity to breathe on my own.

He withdraws his hand.

_Damnit!!!_

Now I'm back to the music, the darkness, the sound of my heart racing in my chest, the feel of my arousal in full bloom and just _waiting_ to be plucked.   
I bite at my lip, lay as still as I can, flex my fingers, and...wait. _Wait?_ I have to wait? I'm literally spread eagle, my hole aching for his cock, my body anticipating his touches and _waiting_ . _Ugh...what if he leaves me like this? What if he doesn't come back and finish me off? Will I find relief?_

He kisses my cheek.

“Oh.” I shiver at the unexpected touch. The mattress dips again and he's flush against my crotch, his hand encircles my thigh. “Fuck.” I choke. _It's time?_

_It's time._

So soon?

Right now?

Really?

This second-

His fingers tighten their hold, his leg muscles flex as he moves towards me, his cock is...right…

 _“Oh…_ oh...oh my God _.” There!_ He sinks in slowly, penetrates my walls, pushes past my barriers, shatters my defenses... I'm his. All his. At this very moment, he holds the key, he is my support, he's mine... _mine_. You're mine!!! “Ah...fuck... fuck!” I thrust my hips, feel the steady movement of his legs, the stretching, the familiar sting, the widening- “You're... you're...huge!!” I shout as he continues to move. He pinches my thigh but I don't care. I want him to know how good he makes me feel, how fucking incredible my body is responding to him. He's my calling…

Mine.

Mine.

Mine!

“ _Lou!!”_ I cry as he places his other hand on my sweated chest, inches further in, fills me to the brim. “Ugh…” He stops his movements and lies flush against me. “I want to touch you now.” I beg. “Please?” He kisses my lips, removes the blind fold, the headphones, returns my vision and ability to hear. His face is all I can see, his blue irises, his beauty. Everything. It's all right here showing me the light, basking me with clarity, easing my uncertainty. It feels so…

He rests his arms beside my head, stares down at me, surprises me with his intensity.

 _Genuine_.

He snaps his hips forward, penetrates further...and _fuck!!_ His moves are relentless, his strength surprising, his drive a fucking dream come true!

“Lou... _Lou_ ...fuck...fuck!” I whine. My fingers are numb, my arms are numb, I can't feel anything except the ecstacy exploding in my abdomen. He has me grounded, completely transfixed. _I'm yours_.

“You're...snug…” He grunts and my eyes widen because me? Seriously!? “Feels fuckin incredible.” He grips my shoulders and drives his hips forward. I'm seeing stars, feel my orgasm sparking in my gut. He smashes our mouths together, snaps his hips into me, changes the rhythm, keeps me guessing...keeps me _on edge_. Nothing is consistent. He changes the angle, moves in an upward motion, grips my shoulder and sinks in further, grips my curls...I can't keep it up!

“Ah...shit! How? How!!” I throw my head back, wrap my legs around his frame. “More... _more_ !!” I meet his hips, counter his movements, implore him with my body to _not take it easy_ . “Go!! Fuck...move...move!” I lose my inhibitions, completely lose myself in the moment, remember this is Louis and not some random man I managed to bed... certainly not _Nick_ . I want to come undone, give him every piece of me I am able to offer...I want to know what _it feels like_.

He slinks a hand between our heated torsos, grips me tightly, sends a jolt of pleasure up my spine.

“Yes...yes please!” I'm useless, I'm literally chained to the headboard, trapped in his grasp and care. And it's wonderful, fulfilling, relaxing, a complete one-eighty. I wouldn't trade this for anything. He pumps his hips and his hand, hits every angle, makes me cry out as he works me senseless.

“F-feel it, H. Come _on_ !” He grunts in exhaustion. “Let it go!” I scrunch my eyes closed as the flurrying in my belly turns to a burning sensation, the need to orgasm climbing as every second passes. It's almost there... _I am almost there!_

You're mine.

You're.

Mine.

I'll chain _you_ to my heart.

Be your world.

Your breath.

Mine!!

I release onto his hand at the thought, cry out his name as I come down from the high. I'm free...I'm relaxed...I'm sated.

“Fuck.” I open my eyes to find his beautiful face before me, his flushed, sweated face. And he's smiling, he's content... he's really letting me have it.

“ _God_ , H you're so perfect.” His hips are moving still, his fingers now gripping my shoulders. I watch him move, take in his every feature, every dip and curve on his face, his eyes.

“I...w-want to see you fall apart.” I whisper.

“Y-yes...yes you will.” His hips begin to really pick up speed. He drives forward, penetrates deeper than before, forces unintelligible words from my mouth, leaves my toes and fingers tingling. _Woah...woah_!! He switches angles, sits up, grips my thighs.

“H-holy shit!” His strength is unreal, his need palpable, so transparent, laid out before me and it's strange to witness. _It's for me? This is_ ... _I do trust you. I do. I trust you want me._ There is no denying it now.

And...and I want him. So bad. And not just physically, I need his comfort, his touches, his words of encouragement, anything and everything he can offer me. _I'll take it, Lou!!_

“Ah!!” He shouts from above me, pulls me back in the moment. I focus on him again, watch his lips curl, watch the hair stick to his sweated forehead, see his body shaking as he works himself. I instinctively clench my lower region, witness his face scrunch as he reaches his climax, give him what I can. “Fuck...fuck-” He releases a deep breath and let's loose, loses himself, moans his pleasure, his satisfaction. “Fuck yes.” He collapses on top of me, rests his face in the crook of my neck. “God, Harry. You're a beast even with your hands bound.” _One concern_.

“I...I am.” _How will I tell him about Nick?_ “I was told I wasn't that good.” He lifts his head, shakes his head no.

“Uh absolutely not. The few I've had were awful. You on the other hand…” He smirks, kisses my cheek. _The few!?_

“Y-yeah...yeah.” _Don't get into it._ “But um…” I clear my throat. “Can you take these off now?” I wiggle my hands.

“I don't know. I kind of like this.”

“Ugh...of course you do.” I roll my eyes but he chuckles.

“Yeah. You look sexy.” I'm aghast.

“Tied up!?” He nods. “B-but-”

“Yes, H. And when you're standing up, lying down, sleeping, laughing...well more so when you're laughing, being yourself, living life.” My eyes widen. What's he saying? “You're sexy, beautiful, intelligent, kind.”

“Uhmm...um…”

“I thank the heavens every day I met you, that our paths crossed...and that you looked at my crotch.” He kisses my lips. _Oh my God!?_ My heart is slamming in my chest. “I needed it, needed you. And um...yeah so no more running away. No more second guessing.” He kisses me again.

“O-okay...okay.” I look up at him, find my entire world staring back at me.

“Good. Now let's shower!” He pulls out and quickly stands.

 _What am I going to do?_   
  



	12. Search and Frisk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [H]: Ed please answer me.  
> [H]: I’m sorry.  
> [H]: I’m so sorry.  
> [H]: I’m trying my best here.  
> [H]: I need you. Please.
> 
> [H]: I went by your place again.
> 
> [H]: You weren't there.
> 
> [H]: And I ache you know.
> 
> [H]: Ache so badly that you want no part of my life anymore.
> 
> [H]: It sucks. Well I suck without you.
> 
> [H]: I'm half alive.
> 
> [H]: Did you know that?

We're at Niall’s a little while later. 

It took us longer than expected to leave Louis’ because well...well, we sort of got drunk and he...um...he tied me up again and road my cock for an hour. I was on edge the entire time as I watched him, so enthralled with his movements and brashness. He was just relaxed, completely consumed in the moment…I never expected that from him.

 _I'd like to see it again_ .  
“You're waddling.” I gently slap his behind as we walk up the steps.  
“Hey!!” He snaps. “I'm fuckin sore.” I put my hands up in surrender.  
“Look, you're the one who said you wanted to loosen it up for next time!” I snort. “What do you expect?” He groans.  
“I know what I said!!” He swipes the fringe off his forehead, flicks his head. “I was still horny and the alcohol gave me the courage to jump your bones.” I stop him on the stairs.  
“You never need to worry, Lou. If you're in the mood, dig right in. I'm all yours.” I say in a rather sensual tone. “You've done it before. Don't overthink it.”  
“I know.” He flushes. “I guess maybe next time I…well this time was different.” He stalls. “Last time we didn’t...” He turns away, clears his throat. “How do I put this…um-”

“Don't hold back now.” I run my thumb along his bottom lip. “Tell me.”  
“I want to be handcuffed to the bed next time.” He glances at me, smirks, then hides his face again.  
“Ooooh.” I squeal with delight. “I can make arrangements.”  
“Y-yeah.” He takes my hand, keeps his eyes towards the floor. “I'd like that.”

“I told you! It feels good to relinquish control once in a while.” I shrug. “You know, placing every ounce of trust in your partner. Feels nice.” _Especially when they care._

“That's why I want to try it.” He kisses my cheek. “I trust you.”

“Oh, thats a relief.” He pushes his glasses up his nose, smiles at me with adoration.

“Yup!” He takes my hand. “Let's go. I'm sure everyone is waiting.”  
“Absolutely.” We're about to enter the apartment when I stop him. “Wait, you're wearing glasses.”

“Yeah, so?”

“You haven't since…” I eye him closely, sniff his collar. “Why, Louis. Are you not trying to impress me anymore?” I smirk.

“Oh shush!!” He smacks my arm. “Contacts make my eyes itchy.”

“You know, your nerdiness reeled me in.”

“Nerdiness!?”

“Lou, you're an adorable little nerd-”

“Don't say little!” He stomps his foot. “And _I'm smart_. Not nerdy.”

“That's what they all say….fine you're a geek.”

“Harry!!”

“But it's so cute on you!” I hug him from behind, wrap my arms around his tiny torso, pull him close. “My little geeky nerd.”

“Ugh... whatever.” He resigns to his fate. “Let's go.”  
.

.

.

.  
We find the party on the roof and spot Niall immediately.  
“Hello, my main man!” He drapes his arm across my shoulders.  
“Hey!” I reply.  
“What happened here?” He points to the hickey on my neck, the purple bruise that is certainly unmistakable and very much on display for the world to see. I wasn't necessarily upset with the marking, however, it's difficult to conceal.  
“It was him!” I point to Louis.  
“Guilty.” He puts his hand out. “Nice to see you again.”  
“Of course, mate. Here, come sit. We moved the hookah up here. Oh and Harry.” Niall moves in close to whisper. “Zayn and Liam are here. I hope you don’t mind.” I shrug my shoulders.  
“It’s okay. I don’t care.” I reassure, mask my horror because I have this huge _thing_ on my neck and stale alcohol on my breath.  
“Awesome! So come and _hang_ .” We find available space by the wall and gingerly place our equally sore bums on the ground.  
“You’re dead.” I start.  
“What did I do now?” Louis runs his fingers through my curls.  
“You said the hickey wasn’t bad! It’s awful and dark and purple and ugh!! My bosses are here!!!” I point over to them.  
“Well, they look a little cozy if you know what I mean.” He waggles his eyebrows. I look closer and note Zayn’s hand on Liam’s thigh.  
“Oh.”  
“Yup.”  
“OH!” I continue to ogle in a non-creepy way. “That explains a lot I think.”  
“Yeah so don’t worry.” Louis leans into me, rests his hand on my upper, _upper_ , thigh.  
“Watch it.” I look down to find his fingers massaging my leg. “If you don’t stop, I will take you downstairs and fuck you senseless.”  
“One fuck per day.” Louis deadpans.  
“Well, Lou. Let me count-”  
“I live to break the rules.” He interrupts.  
“That is a _good_ thing.”  
“Hey! Do ya’ll want one?” Barbara is approaching us with a stack of rolled joints.  
“Oh yeah! Just what the doctor ordered.” I nod and pull a lighter from my pocket. “Thanks!”  
“Anytime. How are you?” She kneels by our feet.  
“Good. You’ve met Louis?” I gesture towards him as I light up.  
“Yeah! He was the guy that came running into the apartment screaming at Niall. Can’t forget him.” Louis rolls his eyes.  
“He helped me though.” I nudge his arm to reassure him.  
“I am sitting right here you know.” He speaks up. “He shouldn’t have taken that damn pill.”  
“Harry was fine! Just live a little...jeez!”  Barbara is so carefree. I envy her sometimes. “Enjoy the smoke!”  
“Oh I plan on it.” I smile in her direction.  
“See you gentlemen in a bit.” She winks at Louis and approaches another group next.  
“Here we go!” I take a long drag. “Oooh…that’s good.” I exhale the smoke and hand it to Louis who eyes me with trepidation. “Come on. Don’t be a baby.” I take another drag.  
“Harry.” I nearly choke on the smoke still in my lungs as my brain comprehends the two individuals standing before me with their hands linked. _Fuck_ .  
“H-hi!” I choke.             
“How are you?” Liam starts. “Happy 4th.”  
“Yes, Happy 4th of July!” I spit out. They simultaneously look at my hand, note the joint. “I’ve never come to work under the influence, I swear it.”  
“There is nothing to be worried about. We know you're a bit of a pot head.” Zayn says. “Niall told us.”

“ _Great._ I guess I'll be having a conversation with him later.” I grunt in frustration.

“Really, it's not an issue. We think it’s funny you know each other.”

“Know who?” Our mutual friend appears seemingly out of no where. I look to Lou who has been too quiet during this exchange. _What's his deal? He's never one to keep his mouth shut especially when my shit habit is involved._  
“You.” Liam confirms. “It’s a coincidence.”  
“What are the odds?” Niall is holding a beer and a cigarette, smiling past his drunkenness, looking rather _stoned_. “Hey the fireworks are about to start. Let's go down to the park to watch!” He suggests, throws his hands in the air, turns towards his friends. “Let's go!!” He twirls and disappears down the stairs.

“How does he do that without falling?” I mumble to myself.  
“Meet you down there.” Zayn says, gives us both a half wave and follows Niall.  
“See you guys there.” I say to their retreating backs. I turn to Louis then. “Are you alright?” His hand is no longer on my leg. “Earth to Lou.” I kiss his cheek, rumple his hair.  
“Fine.” He shrugs, pushes his glasses up his nose.  
“Um...good try.” I take another drag. “Tell me.” I watch the remaining of the guests leave.  
“I need to be careful around your colleagues, okay?”  
“Lou, they’re my bosses and I'm the one high as a kite.”  
“It’s different for me. Cantor isn’t as relaxed.” Louis stands and helps me up. “They'll demote me and give my superior more ammo against me.”  
“Oh you mean the contract between you and us?”  
“Yuh.” He takes my hand. “They do random drug testing too and I am definitely on their radar.”

“Because you're young!?”

“Because I am _smart_.”

“That doesn't make sense, Lou. If they know you're intelligent, why put you in the spotlight or second guess anything you do?”

“Harry, I cannot give them something else to talk about. Let's just leave it at that.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me this in the first place if it would potentially risk you losing your position? We could have done something else. Maybe go out with your friend…what was his name? Steve? Stu? Uh…” I tap my chin in thought.  
“Because.” We start to descend the stairs. “And it’s Stan.” He clears his throat, adjusts his glasses. “I don't want to give the impression that I'm boring.” He murmurs.  
“Cut the crap. You’re not boring. It’s your job. I get it.”  
“Do you? You’re the one getting high in front of your managers.”  
“Woah there. Don’t take it out on me.”  
“I just can’t fuck up.”  
“You won’t!! Stop worrying. Liam and Zayn are cool.”  
“But my management isn't, Harry.” We stop on the porch. “They will fire me regardless of my success and I refuse to lose my job over something I could have easily avoided.”  
“Okay.” I nod, drop the joint to the ground and smash it with the toe of my sneaker. “It won't happen again.”  
“Thanks.” He diverts his gaze to the park ahead. “I appreciate it.”  
“Anything for you.” I grip his chin, turn his face to me. “Now kiss me you fool.” I touch our mouths together, pull gently, savor his taste. “Mmm vodka cranberry. My favorite.” I kiss him again. “You are so yummy. Maybe we can go for number three later.”  
“Whose ass we using?” We walk towards the park.  
“Uh…” I clench my lower region and ugh...it's bad. “You.” I volunteer.  
“Yeah. Uh no!” He shakes his head.  
“Ha! Alright fine. We'll...just wait and see.” I find Niall and wave to him when we find a patch of grass to sit down on. _Oh...Ed and I sat in this spot._ I remember our lazy Sunday, our lunch...our relaxed afternoon when things between us were normal, when our relationship made sense, when...there was no tension separating us. _Oh Ed. Please forgive me?_  
_I need you._  
“This should work.” Louis sits, pulls me down onto my ass and...oh LORD! The sting is incredible!!  
“OWE!!!” I smack his arm and shove him away in frustration.  
“I’m sorry! I forgot.”  
“How can you forget?!” I bury my face in my hands as my backside screams at me. “It was becoming manageable...now it's like I'm back at-”  
“Oh! It’s starting. Look!” Louis smacks my arm. I glare at him instead, shoot daggers towards him.

“ _Louis_!” I snap. The loud burst in the sky steals my attention. “Ah!” I shriek.

“It's so pretty!!”

“It's loud.” I comment and search for his hand. “Real loud.” I take in everyone around me, find the spectator’s faces transfixed on the Manhattan Skyline as the show progresses. “Yeah too loud.” I shake my head in distaste.  
I look to Louis instead, watch his face brighten as another burst explodes in the sky, see the awe displayed on his face. And it's the sweetest, most innocent expression I've witnessed on him. It's almost childlike, endearing, and a little amusing if I'm honest. _You're so cute_ _and delectable and small and mine... you're…_

_Mine._

I find his neck then, his perfectly sculpted jawline, the beads of sweat forming on his skin. _Fuck yes, my turn_ . I lean in and latch onto him without another thought. I suck at the delicate flesh without any regard to our surroundings, cup his cheek to hold him in place while I work. _Mine._  
“Your lips are so soft.” Louis barely flinches as if he was expecting this, as if my actions are _predictable_ , and ordinary. It pisses me off actually because fuck I wanted to surprise him the way he surprised me! I suck with vehemence, lap up the sweat on his neck, stake my claim on him. _How do I get him back?_ “Hey! I’m sure you’ve got it.” _No_ , I’m going to keep up my pace and continue my kisses and sucking. He releases a single moan, a small sigh, a cute little whimper. “Fuck, H. You... you're-” I release with a smack.  
“There. Good and purple.” I can see a hint of teeth marks too. “Now we match!” I croon.  
“I bet…” He glances at me and smiles.  
“Yeah well-” _The_ loudest BOOM interrupts my train of thought then, makes my heart skip a beat and eyes tear as the piercing sound echoes between my ears. “Ah!!” I shout in response and literally jump into Louis’ lap for protection. I bury my face in the crook of his neck, wrap my arms around him. “Loud... _too loud_ !!” I whimper against his chest.  
“Oh!” He instinctively envelopes me in his warmth. “Have you had enough?” I nod a resounding yes. “Do you want to go?” I nod again. “Are you sure?” I nod more fervently. “Okay, you need to get up first though, alright?” I tighten my hold as the banging continues. “Well, I can't carry you. So go on, up you go.” I reluctantly lift myself out of his lap and cover my ears, practically stand on top of him in search of comfort. “Let me tell Niall bye and we can go.” He jogs over to him, leaves me to my lonesome. Niall's expression is impassive, relaxed. _He's too fucked up to really care_. I mouth a “sorry” at him when he looks over and start to walk back on my own.

I am practically at the steps by the time Louis catches up.

“He isn’t mad. He understands.” I am standing by the door refusing to move my hands. “Alright, I’ll get that. Where are your keys?” I stick my hip out indicating the pocket my keys are shoved into. “Thank you.” He unlocks the door, ushers me in. “Wanna listen to music?” I nod again. “Okay sure.” He finds my satchel on the floor near the ottoman and pulls my CD player out. “Sit down.” So bossy, but honestly? I love it. I do as I am told and carefully sit down on the couch. He removes my hands and places the headphones over my ears. _That's better._  
“Can I watch the Twilight Zone marathon?” I strain to hear him over the music.  
“What year were you born again?” Louis asks as he sits next to me.  
“I told you, I’m boring.”  
“You're not boring.” I reiterate. “Enjoy your show, I'll relax right here.” I kick off my shoes and rest my head in his lap, savor in the feel of his hands massaging my scalp...his _skilled_ hands I want shoved down my pants. “Louis.” I turn off the music.

“Mmm?”

“Thanks for a lovely day. It was perfect.” I close my eyes.

“I was waiting to do that for a while now.”

“Why wait?” I mumble.

“It was worth it right?”

“I suppose. You really threw me for a loop. I wasn't expecting that.”

“I know. It took a lot of prep work.”

“Well, I'll be preparing something of my own.” I yawn. “I'm going to get you _back_!”

“Good luck, H. I can’t wait to see you try.”  
“Dont worry.. it's on.”  
.  
.  
.  
.  
[H]: Ed please answer me.  
[H]: I’m sorry.  
[H]: I’m so sorry.  
[H]: I’m trying my best here.  
[H]: I need you. Please.

[H]: I went by your place again.

[H]: You weren't there.

[H]: And I ache you know.

[H]: Ache so badly that you want no part of my life anymore.

[H]: It sucks. Well I suck without you.

[H]: I'm half alive.

[H]: Did you know that?  
.  
.  
.  
.  
I waited two weeks before I decided to bring my plan to life, to finally follow through with it, to build up enough courage I suppose. I admit, I am nervous…I’ve never done something as bold as this…well, let me rephrase that, I’ve never done something like this for as long as I plan on doing it for. And with the stakes this high? I have to move out of my comfort zone.  
I got a kick out of watching Louis after work though. He would always keep an eye on me while he was working or getting ready for bed most likely in fear of me jumping his bones. When I would kiss him in greeting or at night before we went to sleep, he’d wait for more to come, linger in my personal space, gently touch my face, urging me to just get it over with. But he’d win and I cannot let that happen so I remained stoic.  
It all started earlier in the morning when Louis left before me for a meeting, this being the only opportunity I have to set my plan into motion.  
I am staring at the butt plug on the counter. It’s green, large, like really large and long…wide…oh god is it going to feel like heaven. I take a deep breath and hop into the shower hating this more and more. I am contemplating, as I prepare myself, whether this is worth to _wear_ for the entire day. I mean I could just stick it in tonight and skip the self-torture…but where is the fun in that? _Louis didn't have something shoved up his ass! Hello!_ I step out of the shower, ready (not mentally), lube up the plug, and give it a good look.  
“Don’t be a pansy shit.” I lean over the counter, brace myself and gently massage it in. I close my eyes with excitement, find my body responding as the toy slips past the muscle. “Oh my lord.” I'm aroused instantly, literally. My body is on fire and it hasn't even been a full sixty seconds!!! I slowly stand up, feel the pressure, the weight, the delicious sting of ecstacy. _Fuck... fuck fuck!!_

I make my way to the bedroom, keep my hand on the wall to steady myself, feel the plug sway with my legs. It's going to be an interesting eight hours that's for sure.

.  
.  
.  
.  
I'm at my desk soon enough, somehow endured the subway, and the walk up the steps to my office suite. It was difficult, arousing, a fucking trip and _fuck_ I can't wait to sit down and-  
“OH!” I yelp the moment I make contact with my chair. I quietly moan into the back of my hand, feel the glorious sensation trickle down my legs and radiate up my spine, the sudden rush of euphoria heading straight to my cock. It takes all my will-power to not cry out in pleasure, to stifle my whining.  
“Good morning.” I groan at the sound of Liam's voice.  
“H-hi.” I choke out, look up to him.  
“I need to see you as soon as possible. A new client is coming in today and I wanted you to meet with them.” I am meeting a client with a plug shoved up my ass. Great.  
“Okay, sure!” My voice is squeaky, unrecognizable, filled with an underlying _need_ to be fucked against my desk. He raises an eyebrow.  
“See you later then?” I nod with too bright of a smile on my  lips. “Right...see you in a few.” He turns on his heel and walks away.  
My movements are steady, smooth, calculated, and always filled with purpose because _anything_ more will make me jizz all over my jeans. I'm sweating profusely, day dreaming like it's my job, picturing Louis behind me and fucking into me. _God_ and I can't stop!! I've already fantasized of us on my desk four times, then on Liam's desk with him watching, then one time in the bathroom. It's insane, it's painful, it's stupid.  
I am stupid.  
“Great job, really.” Liam compliments me after our meeting.  
“T-thanks.” I choke as we ascend the stairs.  
“You are our most profitable associate, Harry.” He continues.

“Oh...I am?” I'm astounded.

“We are thinking about promoting you.” I pause at that, nearly trip on the rug.  
“I…um, I…” I shake my head. “Wait what? I just started.”  
“I know but you’ve proven so much in such a short period of time…it may be coming sooner rather than later. Keep it up.” We reach my cubicle then.  
“I will try my best.” I say. “Well, I'll continue to work hard.” _Ugh hard, Harry!? HARD!?_  
“Good. I will see you tomorrow.” Liam waves goodbye and heads back to his office. I eye my chair, feel my ass clench around the plug, feel the ghost of pleasure in my gut.  
“Ugh…” My phone begins to ring then. _What now?_ “H-hello?” I stutter when I answer.  
“Sorry, I know it’s 5 but if possible please come in a little earlier tomorrow?” It’s Liam.  
“Absolutely. Any reason why?”  
“Zayn wanted to see you so I figured we could do it before everyone else arrives.”  
“S-sure?”  
“Great. Have a goodnight.” Oh you have no idea.  
I run from the office, reach the condo by 6pm and wait…on the couch with my legs crushed together and hands clutching at the pillows. I must look pitiful, so pitiful and weak, and turned on and _fucking_ aroused...and UGH!!! _Louis!!!_  
.  
.  
.  
.  
He's in the living room working, bent over his laptop analyzing a report, unconsciously adjusting his glasses on his nose every so often. He's incognizant to my plan, consumed in his work, biting feverishly at the pen between his lips and he just has no idea what's coming for him.

I turn back around, face the bathroom mirror and find my flushed face. I cannot even recognize the man staring back at me, the wanton, wild eyed _boy_ just waiting to jump their boyfriend...just _waiting to get his dick touched_.

"Fuck. Let's do it.” I murmur and make my way towards him.

“I knew you were an exhibitionist Harry, but must you walk around naked? It’s distracting.” He says, his voice calm and collected. “And well-endowed I see.” _Yes, and he's all yours._  
“Are you busy?” I slowly approach him, feel my rear clench and unclench in anticipation.  
“Are you alright? Do you have a fever?” I maintain my composure. “Your face is all red.” He eyes me, pushes his glasses up his nose, stares me down. “Harry?” I pluck the laptop off his lap and place it on the coffee table. “Um...I was about-” I straddle his hips, witness his eyes widen in shock. “I was... going to-”

“Not anymore.” I grunt and smash our lips together unable to wait a second more.  
My cock is guiding me, directing my movements, driving my hips down into him. I'm cupping his face, mesmerized in the way his jaw moves underneath my fingertips. He's countering my lips, meeting me half way... moaning with pleasure.  
“ _God_ .” He's completely breathless. “What...what’s wrong?” He eyes me curiously. “That thing is like a weapon. What did you do?” He points to my cock.  
“Search me.” I whisper into his ear, thrust my hips forward.  
“…what?” He wraps his arms around me, rests his hands on my lower back.  
“You heard me.”

“U-um…what exactly am I looking for?” I bite my lip.  
“Pull it _out_ .” I move my lips to his neck and proceed to suck urgently.  
“Pull _what_ ….Oh!” His fingers inch lower. “No you didn’t.” I suck at flesh. “Fuck, H. That’s hot.”  
“You have no idea, please just…” He's at my rear, slinks a finger between my ass cheeks, finds the plug. “ _Fuck_ !!” I shriek. “G-get...get it!!” I'm gripping the couch cushions.  
“When did you do this!?” He is playing with it now, enticing me.  
“This-this morning. Uh…don’t do that. Just take it out!” I whine.  
“Of course.” He grazes the plug, pulses it with his fingers.

“Stop!!!!” My stomach clenches, the eruption of ecstacy in my abdomen is borderline painful. “ _Lou_!!”

“Alright... alright I'll…” He slips his fingers in and tugs.

“Ah!!” I scrunch eyes shut, twist the cushions between my hands.

“You have to relax.”  
“Huh?”  
“Relax yourself. I can’t remove it with your ass clenched. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I...I…” I relax as best I can, feel him swiftly pull the plug free and drop it to the ground.

“That was _huge_.” He comments.

“T-trust me... I'm very much aware.” I take a deep breath. “Now fuck me.” I reach for the lube that I stuffed between the sofa and wall earlier.  
“But I don’t-” I ignore him, prop myself up and work his shorts off, slip them down to his ankles.  
“Here.” I hand him the bottle.  
“Oh.” He's staring intently at it as if confused.  
“Go. I need you. Now.”  Louis is just _not_ comprehending anything I am saying so I hastily take it from his grasp, squeeze some of the liquid on my palm and lather up his cock. I am so ready…beyond ready and he is taking his sweet ass time? Fuck that.

“Woah!” He gasps as I lift my hips. “H-holy fuck. Bare back?”

“Shhh.” I slowly guide myself down, keep my brain focused on the task at hand. _Now. Now. Now!_ It's instant, it's pleasure, it's erotic, it's everything I was waiting for and more _._ He slips right past my walls, invades my personal space, penetrates the confines of my rear, bucks his hips up and my eyes blur from the feeling. “Ah...ah fuck...fuck!” I'm flush against his legs, consumed with his being, filled with his luxurious cock.  
“Wow…wow…wow!” He's moaning underneath me, completely lost in the moment. “H-holy...holy fuck.” I start off slowly, move my body up and down, down and up, left, right, twist in a figure eight, gyrate my lower region, inflict as much pleasure into my partner as I am able to.

“G-grab my ass, touch my ass!” I demand.

“Shit...shit. Y-yeah...yeah!” He cups my rear, massages my cheeks and upper thighs, pinches my skin as I move against him. I wrap my arms around his neck and cover his mouth with my own, continue this motion with my legs. He just feels so right...so _good_ , all mine...all _mine_! I work him harder, drive my hips down, make him whine against my lips.

He pulls away unexpectedly.  
“M-my God.” Louis rests his head against the sofa. “I…I don’t…”  
“Touch me.” I order.

“Wow...wow is all.” He encircles my painfully hard shaft and jerks me off in time with my hips, continues to massage my ass with his other hand.

“Faster, damn it! I want to feel you e-everywhere.” He picks up his pace, grips my ass. “Yes...yes please!” I grind into him with more force, feel him hitting every spot, filling every crevice. “Fuck fuck fuck…!” I look into his eyes, remove the glasses that have since been knocked askew, and savor in the blueness of his irises. I'm in another world then, lost in his being, brought to a place where there are no lies, no fear, no consequences. It's just us. Just us living in harmony. It's a lovely feeling actually.

_No pain._

_No hurt._  
“Harry…!” He pulls me back in the moment, startles me with the intensity in his eyes.  
“W-what?” I am panting uncontrollably, feel the fire in my legs from the exertion, my heart pounding in my chest from my feelings towards him. It's consuming me. _He's consuming_ _me_ and it's irreversible. This moment. _I'm all yours Louis_. “Feel me!” He jerks me harder, stiffens his movements, forces my brain back into our bubble.

The tingling in my gut is fierce, awakening my limbs, my being. _I'm ready_.

“Louis... d-don't...just don't stop!!” I drive down once, twice...a third time and it's huge, the biggest, the most body wracking orgasm of them all. It erupts in my core first, floods my senses, drowns me in emotions, fills my heart with contentment. _“Lou... Lou!!!_ ” I release onto his chest and tummy, moan aloud without any care, and drain myself of the pent up emotions.

I'm free.

I'm able to breathe.

“Thank you...t-thank you.” I collapse into his chest, choke for air, claw at his skin.  
“Hold tight.” He whispers.

“Huh?” With his hidden strength, Louis lifts himself off the cushion and lays me down on my back, rests in between my legs. I look up at him anticipating what’s to come. “My turn.” He moves his hips instantly and I can’t help but moan into his face. He's so powerful, so perfect, so... _Mine!!_

“Louis.” I look into his sweated face. “Y-You're mine.”

“I am.” He lifts my legs, rests them on his shoulders and continues pounding into me. He's hitting those spots, _these_ sensitive areas that are...too much! It's too much!

“You... you're...fuck!” I shut my eyes and concentrate on Louis’ whimpers and labored breathing. He’s close!! I know it... he's right at the edge, ready to simply let it go, and ride his high.

But he stops.

“Huh!?” My arms are braced against the couch, fighting his momentum.  
“I don’t have a condom.” I open my eyes and look at him in utter disbelief.  
“D-dont care.” I shake my head. “Just...go! Just go!”  
“B-but I…” He diverts his gaze. “I…” He looks to me.

“Lou!!”

“Fine. If you say so.” He shrugs and continues his unrelenting movements.  
“Harder!” I plead. “P-please!!!” Louis follows suit and I’m gone, lost in his grunts and moans, thrown off balance from his vehemence.  
“Fuuuck…!” He reaches his peak with a scream, fills my ass to the brim, grips at my shoulders for stability. “Shit.” My legs drop onto the couch cushion with a thud as Louis collapses on top of me. “Holy shit, H. The whole day?”  
“The…whole…day. And never again.” I scrunch my nose. “It was awful.”  
“Then why did you do it?” Louis kisses my lips. I shrug my shoulders.  
“I was on a mission.”  
“It was good. Very good…very bold. Damn you.”  
“Did I win?”  
“Win what?”  
“I won.” I confirm.  
“Yeah right.” Louis sits up. “I made you scream like a little girl.”  
“I made myself scream like a little girl!! I had a damn plug up my ass for 10 hours.”  
“That’s pretty good I must say.”  
“Ugh…it hurts.”  
“I’m sure it does. That thing is like extra-large.”  
“It is. No more. I’m done.”  
“Done?!”  
“For now…maybe.” I hug him to my chest.  
I made the announcement, admitted my inner feelings to him, claimed him with that _word._

Mine.

Mine.

Mine!!

He'll probably run away now, realize I am not worth the time, find my personality to be too possessive and weak, that my emotions get in the way, that I...do things for my own gain, for my own need to not be alone. _To replace Nick._

_But it couldn't be right?_

These feelings are something more, something palpable and substantial. It has substance. We have something more powerful. _Right!?_  
“Earth to Harry.” I feel a tug on my hair.  
“What?” I emerge from my reverie.  
“Can you let me go?” He gently pokes my head. “Wake up.”  
“I’m sorry. I was thinking.” I unwillingly release my arms.  
“About what?” Louis straightens up. “AH don’t move!” He runs from the room.  
“What did I do?!” I freeze in place with my leg in the air. Louis runs back in with a towel. “…huh?”  
“I don’t want my couch to get ruined.” My cheeks flare.  
“Oh. Let me um…” I take the towel from his hand. “Can you…leave the room?” Louis is about to resume his work it seems.  
“Why?” He sits on the couch, naked, crosses his legs on the cushions.  
“This is a private moment.”  
“Private? What, to clean your ass?” He starts to chuckle.  
“Shut up!” My face is hot, I can feel my cheeks burning.  
“I have a better idea.” He puts the laptop aside and crawls over to me.  
“What are you doing?” I clutch the towel to my chest.  
“Turn over.” I stare at him.  
“W-wha-”  
“Do you not understand what ‘turn-over’ means? And I don’t mean the pastry. Now go.” I hesitate a moment longer and flip to my stomach. My chest just hits the cushion and his mouth is in between my cheeks licking away.  
“WOAH okay!” He is unrelenting…that tongue invading me, making me cower into the sofa. My moaning is pathetic…I am pathetic. “God…what you do to me…” And all too soon, he stops.  
“Done.” He kisses between my shoulder blades. “I won.” His weight is gone and I am left at a loss.  
“Fuck!!” He did it again…             


	13. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is a ghost, an illusion, an imaginary friend I conjured as a child to help me overcome my fears and insecurities. Ed was non-existent. He didn't breathe.  
> And he's gone.  
> He was made up, a fake best friend, a lie, a fabrication my fuckin brain needed in order to function on a daily basis, a front to hide my inner turmoil that is busting at the seams.  
> And he's gone.

“We are looking to move west.” Zayn is sitting behind his desk. “Liam here-” Oh yeah, Liam is sitting next to me. “-did some scouting a couple months back and found a place we could possibly expand to.” I nod my head. I arrived around 8am skipped Starbucks (mistake) and have been holed up in Zayn’s office with Liam ever since. “It’s going to be risky since we-” he gestures towards himself and Liam “-are not familiar with the west coast. Therefore we wanted to send someone to scope it out, get a feel for the area, be in charge of things over there.” He pauses, I guess attempting to gauge my reaction. When I fail to respond he continues… “So yeah, Seattle. We want to explore Seattle and their market.” Silence settles over us.  
“Alright, so what does-”  
“We want you to-”  
Liam and I speak at the same time. I look over to him.  
“Wait, what?” I ask.  
“How would you feel about relocating?” Liam asks. And I nearly topple over.  
“Me?” I point to myself as I stare at both of my bosses in incredulity. “B-b-ut…” I run a hand through my curls. “What?”  
“You’ve been such an asset, I think you’ll be perfect.” Zayn is leaning over the desk now.  
“I uhh…” I can’t seem to think coherently, cannot wrap my brain around _leaving New York._

“You do not have to decide now.” Liam confirms.  
“This is a big decision, especially since you're still in grad school. However, we'll be more than willing to pay for your schooling if you finished in Seattle.” Zayn finishes. My mouth falls open.  
“It’s almost August I would need to apply to colleges now and see if I’ll get in?” I look down at my tangled fingers.  
“We know…we were hoping you’d wait until the Spring semester to make those decisions and sort through the details then.” Liam speaks up again. “With the transition, it’ll be difficult to juggle the workload with college courses. We will need you on board one hundred percent.” I am speechless. “You know…finding clients, training new staff…it’s going to be a huge undertaking.” I squeeze my fingers into a tighter hold. This wasn’t what I wanted…not now anyway.  
“Ummm…I uh…” I clear my throat. “Are you sure I’m the right fit?”  
“Absolutely. Seattle is a great city. You’ll be fine!” Zayn confirms with a nod. “We picked out an office right by the waterfront.”  
“You picked out a…oh.”  
“Like I said, we do not need an answer right now. We understand the relocation will be challenging and trust me, we lost sleep over this but you’re exactly what we are looking for.”  
“T-thanks?” I shift in my seat. “How much time do I have to make a decision?”  
“A few weeks?” Zayn questions as he looks to Liam for confirmation. “Definitely before you start class. Don’t want you spending money unnecessarily.”  
“Let’s just say I agree, where will I live? I mean I guess I could live with my sister but-”  
“Oh no! We’ll make sure you are settled. Trust me.” Liam’s smile returns. “You will be compensated for any expense you spend and receive a bump in salary…a huge bump.”  
“Okay…Um, anything else?”  
“I think we gave you enough to sort through.” Zayn says. “We can reconvene in a few days and answer any questions you may have.”  
“Sounds good.” I rise from my seat. “Alright, thank you.” I leave Zayn’s office quietly shutting the door. “Holy fuck.” I walk to my desk with my head held low as fear settles in my chest. Why is this happening? Why am I not excited? Why does the thought of me moving across the country make me feel sick?! Gemma is there. It’ll be great…maybe Mom will come too. It'll be a convenient way to start over and to maybe escape some of the memories this city holds.  
But _Louis?_ I can't throw that away!

And...Ed...even though he hates me...  
“Harry? These came for you.” I turn to look over at the receptionist whose holding a bouquet of red roses. “Look how pretty!” _Woah._  
“Thank you.” I tentatively take the flowers from the woman and place them on my desk.  
“Who are they from?!” She crowds my personal space in search of the card.

“Got it.” I tear at the envelope, quickly skim the words. _Fuck_. They’re red…red means-

“Oooohhhh!!! Someone’s in looove.” The receptionist croons as she walks away. I nearly vomit all over my desk because…is he in love with me? I look down at the card and read the message over and over, feel my body weaken, and head burst.  
_Let’s commit the perfect crime where I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine_  
I think I feel my face drain of its color.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
[H]: Still nothing?  
[H]: I have news to tell you.  
[H]: If you care.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
I waited to tell Lou about my meeting with Liam and Zayn assuming this type of conversation should be face to face. Now that I think about it, I avoided emailing him all day. I guess the shock from the roses is still lingering, his true intent coming across clear as day, the uncertainty _gone_. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting them…I mean was it because of last night? Was I convincing enough that I am worthy of him and his heart?

 _I still have a little problem though._  
“Hey.” I hear Louis yell from the entryway. I am in the bedroom changing into shorts and a tank.  
“In here!”

“Coming!” Soon I feel his arms encircling my waist from behind, feel him rest his cheek against my bare back. He’s so squishy and adorable. “Did you get the flowers? I didn’t hear back from you all day and wasn't sure.” He pauses. “I was getting nervous actually…” He gives one final squeeze and releases me.  
“Why?” I turn to face him, take him in and his obvious beauty. _Mine._

Mine?  
“I thought you would have gushed over them.” He starts to unbutton his shirt.  
“I was very surprised.” I nod.  
“Okay good. I was afraid I scared you off!” He laughs nervously, avoids eye contact as he undresses.  
“Never! No I loved them. They’re in the kitchen.” I kiss him on the lips. I said love. “Thank you.” I stare directly into his irises, show him my sincerity.  
“You’re welcome.” He kisses me back, then removes his shirt.

“So I met with my bosses today.” I start. I twist my fingers, prepare for my next few lines.  
“How’d that go?” He slips on a tank top and his Columbia sweatpants.  
“Good. They offered me a promotion.” I rush out.  
“Wow! Look at you! You’ve been there what? Three months? Damn…” He takes my hand and drags me to the kitchen.  
“There is a catch though.”  
“How so?” He rubs his tummy. “What’s for dinner? I’m hungry.” He pouts.  
“I haven’t gotten that far yet…I’ve been distracted...you know mulling over what Zayn and Liam told me.”  
“Oh?” He crosses his arms over his chest.  
“They want me to relocate.” The words taste bitter on my tongue.  
“What?” He sounds…anxious? “Where?” His eyes are wild, his features displaying his fear. Even behind the glasses, I can see the mistiness.  
“Seattle.” I choke.  
“W-what…? That’s across the country.” He leans into the counter as if he lost balance. “Are you going?” He looks to the floor.  
“I-I don’t know.” I shake my head in confusion.  
“You don’t know? How do you not _know_ ?” His voice has a bit of an edge to it.  
“Why are you getting upset? You’re acting as if I’ve said yes.”  
“You didn’t say NO either!” He pushes off the counter. “So great. You’re just going to pack up and head to Seattle? Start a new life?” Is he crying!? “And forget all about me?”  
“I am telling you what my bosses discussed with me today. Why are you losing your shit?!” I stomp out of the kitchen and head to the bedroom. I can’t believe the audacity he has to get angry with me over a simple conversation…okay it wasn’t simple, but he’s acting as if I’ve said yes and started to pack my bag, booked my flight…left the damn state!!  
“What are you doing?” He stomps after me. “Are you leaving?”  
“Do you want me to?” I don’t think I’ll be able to live without him but why did I come in here? Am I reliving the night Nick and I broke up? Where will I go? Whose shoulder will I cry on? My emotions are running rampant right now, my options dwindling down to nothing.  
“No!” Tears are falling freely down his cheeks. “You can’t leave!” He swipes at his eyes, knocks his glasses askew. “Harry-”  
“I won’t.” The desperation in his voice is slicing me in two.  
“Then don’t scare me like that anymore, okay?” He smashes his palms against his eyes. “I can’t lose you.” Did I hear him correctly? Are my ears working properly?  
“I’m not going anywhere.” I reconfirm. “I’m _not_ leaving you.” He is still crying. “Dont cry? Okay? I'm right here.”  
“S-sorry. I can’t help it.” His entire body moves as he hiccups. I reach a hand out to him, touch his bicep.  
“Do you need a hug, Lou?” He nods and walks over to me without a word. I tug him into my chest, hold him close, feel his chest shake with every breath he pulls into his lungs. _A puzzle piece. My heart is complete_. He sniffles a few times into my shoulder. “Is that better?” I feel his head move up and down. “Okay good.” We hold each other a little while longer as Lou recovers, take our time to forget that entire exchange existed.

 _Holy…shit_ .  
.  
.  
.  
.  
I'm lying awake staring at the ceiling.

I'm a jumbled mess of emotions, feelings, thoughts, dreams, nightmares...just _everything_ . This one single day revealed too many truths, too many life altering _truths_ and... and how can I handle it on my own? My brain capacity is unable to withstand such a force, to really fully grasp its entirety.

So I do the one thing I understand and have come accustomed to.

I reach for my phone and text Ed.

[H]: How are you?  
[H]: I hope you're well. Happy.  
[H]: I really hope you're happy because…

[H]: You deserve to be.  
[H]: You more than anyone else.  
[H]: Did you know that?

“Harry.” I hear Louis mumbling.  
“Yes?” I place my phone down and curl into him.  
“H-Harry.” His voice sounds groggy from sleep. “D-don’t go?”  
“Lou, we already talked-”  
“You can’t go!!!” His shouting makes me flinch.  
“Baby? It's okay-”  
“I can’t _live_ without you.” I look into his face, find he is fast asleep.

“Louis.” I kiss his cheek. “Lou-”

“You…I…” He chokes on a sob. “Me and you.”  
“Louis please.” I place a gentle hand on his cheek to calm him.“Hey.”  
“Harry...I... there is…” His head lolls to the side and his breathing settles down then.

“Lou?” I'm watching his face. “Wake up.” I kiss his lips and he immediately stirs awake.

“Mmm…what?” He turns over. “Whaaat?”  
“Were you dreaming?” I whisper.  
“I was sleeping." He cracks open an eye and looks at me. “Why are you on top of me?” He reaches down to my crotch. “Limp? Shocker.” He smirks. Honestly, sex was the furthest thing from my mind.  
“You were talking in your sleep.” My tone is grave.  
“I don’t talk in my sleep. You do, remember?”  
“Um…no Lou you were talking and you were about to say something and stopped. What was it?”  
“I don’t know, I was asleep.” He hesitates. “Even if I did remember, I wouldn’t tell you.”  
“Why not? It sounded important.”  
“Because, I like making you bust.” He is full on smiling.  
“I know you do. Stop with that smirk or I’ll kiss it off.”  
“Wouldn’t want that now, do we?”  
“Nope!” Before I follow my instinct, I lie back down and get comfortable.  
“Oh…boo to you.” He reaches for my hand.  
“Goodnight.”  
“Goooooodnight.” He pinches my side. I can only smile and close my eyes.  
.  
.  
.  
.

He is a ghost, an illusion, an imaginary friend I conjured as a child to help me overcome my fears and insecurities. Ed was _non-existent_. He didn't breathe.

_And he's gone._

He was made up, a fake best friend, a lie, a fabrication my fuckin brain needed in order to function on a daily basis, a front to hide my inner turmoil that is busting at the seams.

_And he's gone._

Ed is not here and I'll never get to see him again, hear his voice, his advice, his... quirkiness. _Anything_!! He was my shield, my protection. He was who I relied on!

_And he's gone!!!_

I grip my curls in anger at his audaciousness, at my inability to _move on_ and realize he isn't worth my time, at the entire situation because it was...it's fucked up to begin with...all a misunderstanding.

 _And he's gone!_  
[H]: I hate you. You did this to me. You choked me. You made me this dependent!!! I hate you!!!

No.

No.

I shake my head, grip my curls, breathe in and out.

I delete the text because it's not true. I made me this way. It was my doing. I have to live with it... without Ed.

A life half complete.

[H]: I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I send instead.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
We are en route to Morningside Heights, the village of Manhattan Louis lived in for college. His friend Stan has since accepted a new position out of state so he is throwing a going away party for himself. He’s a decent guy actually. Lou and I hung out with him at the Crocodile Lounge one time. I may or may not have gotten a little too drunk but I still enjoyed his company, if I recall correctly....  
“That is the restaurant from Seinfeld!” I point out Tom’s Restaurant from across the street. “It’s so good!” I unfortunately, remember going there with Nick on occasion. Harlem is a few streets north of here so we always found ourselves coming back.  
“Best burger in town.” Louis agrees. His hand is clutched in mine and swaying in sync with our stride.  
“Can we go one night?” I want to make new memories.  
“Sure!” He says. “Oh we’re almost there.” He pulls me down a random street lined with nondescript apartment buildings. “It’s this one.” We walk through the doors and Louis presses the intercom.  
“Hi! Come on up!” I hear through the speaker. Soon enough we’re at his door.  
“I’m nervous.” I confess.  
“Why? You’ve met him.” He absently smooths down my collar, smiles fondly at me. I shrug.  
“Every person you were friends with in school will be behind this door. It’s a little unnerving.”  
“Okay, like no one is going to like you?” He smiles and kisses my cheek. “You’re beautiful inside and out.” He knocks on the door. “Just be yourself.” _Thats_ _what I fear_. _Myself._ The door swings open and Stan is there.  
“Hey!! Thanks for coming!” He embraces Lou in a hug. “Harry is it?” He looks at me, extends his hand.  
“Yes! Nice to see you again.” I take his hand in mine.  
“No tequila tonight?” I shake my head as the embarrassment creeps its way forward. “Ha! Damn! You were a lot of fun!” He leads us into his apartment. “Make yourselves at home. Drinks are in the fridge.”  
“Thanks.” Louis leads us further into the space towards an empty corner. “See? Not so bad.” I take in my surroundings, find the amount of bodies occupying the small apartment to be too suffocating.  
“Oh yeah…not bad at all.” My voice is laced with sarcasm.  
“It's not as confining as the elevator.” Louis comments.

“No, nothing compares to that.” A man approaches. “That was the…”  
“Hi Lou.” He turns.  
“Oli! How have you been?” The guy, Oli, looks to be a little high or drunk or…is that just his face? Lou has never mentioned him so I have nothing to say really. “This is my boyfriend, Harry. Harry this is Oli, we took Accounting together.”  
“Hello.” I put my hand up and smile as genuinely as I am able to.  
“What happened to that other dude?” Oli asks without really paying me no mind. _Weirdo._ I want to make a face but refrain. _Nice to meet you too…jackass._  
“Who? Nick?! Jesus that was like…how many years ago?” Louis clarifies. The man just shrugs and they continue their conversation. _Nick!? Ugh..._ My stomach flips at the mention of him.  
About an hour goes by and it’s the same nonsense.

Random people, some who I’ve met before (but seemed to have forgotten) because of Nick, introduce themselves to me, pretend they’re excited to see Lou and move on with their lives. For the most part I am ignored and left to stare at the intricate rug. Fine by me. _The more inconspicuous I am the better_ .  
“Do you want a drink?” Lou asks me eventually. I’ve just sort of become part of the furniture.  
“Nah, I’m alright.” I wanna leave…actually. But I can’t bear to tell him that. He’s done plenty of shit for me so I’ll suffer a little while longer.  
I take in my surroundings again, scope out a few new faces, note these three women huddled close together on the couch in what looks to be a _very_ serious conversation. I try not to stare but they look directly at me then to Lou and turn back around. Why? Are they talking about me? _Do I know them?_  
“Did you see that?” I look to Lou but he isn’t there anymore. “Shit.” One of the girls on the couch stands and heads over I can assume finding the most opportune moment to strike. “Oh shit.” I run a hand down my face, mentally prepare myself for whatever this is.  
“Hey.” The tall blonde says. She’s all legs, button nose, cropped hair, bitchy face. I can vaguely remember her…it’s like my mind _wants_ me to forget or something though.  
“Hi.” I scroll through my mental rolodex of names and land on…“Taylor.”  
“I’m surprised you remember me.”  
“Me too actually.” My tone is flat.  
“I see you’re with Louis over there.” She motions with her hand and I look to find him speaking with Danielle and her boyfriend Sandy, some tall lanky dude who plays in a rock band. _Where was he at her party?_  
“Yeah, I am.” I nod once, keep my eyes diverted towards the ground.  
“That’s funny because-” She starts.  
“Didn’t Nick date him too?” Another tall blonde appears out of nowhere.  
“And you did as well?” A third woman, this one short with dark curly hair, joins the other two. What is this? An intervention? Who the fuck do they think they are?

“Okay? What do you want me to do?” My palms are slick with sweat. _Retreat!! Now!!_  
“We should probably discuss the elephant in the room.” Taylor snorts. Her voice makes me cringe…I actually want to punch her. _But me!? Violent!?_  
“What’s that?” I play dumb but of course I know what they’re insinuating. These three wenches were Nick’s friends whom I couldn’t care less for. I’ve been in the same room with them and introduced once, twice at most. They were forgettable and even more so now. _All of Nick's acquaintances sucked...just like him._  
“You’re the one who ended their relationship. They were perfectly happy you know.” The other blonde… think brain. “They were going to get married.” _Huh?_  
“Oh okay.” I shrug and attempt to find a way to escape.  
“BUT there you go showing up and ruining everything. Louis ended things only when he found out about you.” The short girl…Caroline? But who is the other blonde…“Nick is still distraught.”  
“Nick was and is a grown man. He can make his own decisions. And this was like…what three years ago? He’s still not over it?”  
“No! How dare you mock him. He is a kind person! It was your fault!” Paula…Pam…Patricia…PAIGE!!  
“Ugh, leave me alone!” I push past them to eacape their banter. _Fuck them. Fuck Nick. Fuck this party!!_  
“Nick loved Louis and there you came waltzing in with your cute face and curly hair destroying them.” My fingers clench into a fist as if ready to strike.  
I turn on the three of them.  
“That’s the biggest load of horse shit I've ever heard. I did not know he was in a _loving_ relationship because he _never mentioned_ it. So maybe he wasn't in love _with someone_ but in love with _himself._ So do excuse me while I dust off my crystal ball.” I retreat to the kitchen for fresh air, to remove myself from those three _women_ who have this need to defend a man who had no regard for anyone's feelings. _Well, mine._ He was a waste, an awful fuck, a hideous lover, an even worse boyfriend and just a shitty person all around.

 _I hate him_ !!!  
But my question is though…if Nick was so in love with Louis, as these girls claim, why in the hell did he fool around with me? What did he gain? Did he want his cake and eat it too? I highly doubt my uncoordinated moves and sloppiness won him over. He must have seen something in me that he liked and wanted.  
Nick is baffling and forever will be.  
“There you are.” Louis walks over to me. “You okay?” NO I am anything but!!!!  
“Yup. Just got a little warm is all.” I lie with a grin.  
“Come, I want you to meet someone.” I roll my eyes and follow behind him.  
“Can we go actually?” Lou turns back. “I’m sorry. I just feel sick all of a sudden.”  
“Sure, 10 more minutes.” He takes my hand and leads me back out into the lion’s den. “Just one last hello then we're good.” I search the small space for those girls, but they're no where in sight. _Thank God._ “…want you to meet Nick.” I turn my head and am looking square into my ex’s eyes. “Although, you’ve told me you guys knew each other from college!” Louis’ hand is still in mine. _Oh no...oh no!?_  
“We…did.” Nick is staring back at me as a million and one emotions consume me. This encounter is more substantial than the last one in Starbucks and so much worse with Louis standing between us seemingly unaware of what we once were…what I did, what we did. Fear is settling in my chest, the tightness familiar and horrifying. This is not good. I swear my heart stopped beating. “Hi, H.” I can’t look away from him; I am transfixed, lost in his eyes, I can’t breakaway. Just like old times.  
Everyone in the room disappears then. It’s just Nick and I standing in the vacant apartment staring each other down, his very presence obstructing my field of vision. I feel his eyes on me searching, studying, memorizing, looking for a way past my well-constructed barrier, his old tricks ineffective and useless. At one time this would have turned me on, choked me, left me weak for his touch and body. But now? Now my skin is crawling, his aura filling me with dread, every bitter memory we shared resurfacing and piercing my skin like a thousand knives leaving me to suffer. I loathe him and need him to go _away_ .  
“Harry…?” Louis is tugging on my hand. I am roused from my nightmare and turn to him. “Are you going to say hello?”  
“Can we go? Please?” I harshly whisper into his ear.  
“What’s gotten into you? I know it’s awkward but Nick was and is a friend of mine and I wanted to formally introduce you.”  
“I…I can’t do this-” I plead.  
“Louis!” The three of us turn to the tall blonde. FUCK. “He’s the one who seduced Nick!” As she yells across the room the entire crowd turns to witness the commotion. Stan seems perplexed. Taylor makes her way over with the two other girls in toe, approaches with this sneer plastered across her face. I try to retreat but Lou has a death grip on my hand.  
“What are you talking about?” He seems to recognize them immediately. Obviously Nick brought him around them more often… _Sucks I suppose._  
“That’s the guy! From the party!!!” Caroline points at me and Louis starts to hysterically laugh.  
“What! That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard! Harry?! At a frat party? He was too young!” He doubles over, laughs at the _truth_ , is probably in denial. _Fuck_ . “Stop being dramatic, ladies.” Louis sobers up when he realizes no one is laughing. I attempt to pull myself free, but that damn hidden strength of his. “Wait…is that true?” He looks to Nick. “Is it?”  
“Well you see...” Nick begins. “Harry here-”  
“Don’t you dare!” It’s Danielle now, she interjects, pushes Nick away. “Just leave and take these bimbos with you.” She shoves him again. “Don’t DO IT!” I am trying to pry off Lou’s hand. I have to leave…have to leave…Escape... ESCAPE! _Run...I have to run!_  
“What in the fuck is happening here?” His fingers tighten. I'm barely holding on now, hardly a human at all.  
“It’s nothing. These girls are delusional.” Danielle looks to them.  
“No we’re not. We were there, that’s the same guy. He seduced Nick after you guys had a fight.” Paige? Sure. I DON’T CARE!! “And proceeded to bother Nick for months! The boy couldn’t catch the hint!” My eyes are blurring with tears, my chest is tightening, my stomach is twisting. This was...this wasn't meant to happen like this!

“Lou, I’ll explain everything. Please can we just-” I try but suddenly everyone is speaking at once, rehashing the event like it happened two hours ago, putting in their two cents, taking sides, resurrecting a moment in _my life_ that I wish to leave buried.  
“Stop!!!!” Louis yells and releases my sweated hand. And it's right there, that loss of contact, that small connection between us that was my saving grace, my sanity, my fuckin crutch. Now I truly am alone. “We are not going anywhere until I find out what the fuck is going on.” He looks to everyone, to Danielle, Nick, Stan (whose still perplexed by the way), and finally me. His eyes are filled with loathing, hurt, disappointment.  
“I’m not doing that here.” I say remaining adamant even though my voice is devoid of any confidence. “I refuse to confess such personal events with an entire crowd of people listening in.” I rub at my eyes knowing the tears are there. _Don’t do this._  
“I honestly don’t give a shit.” I cannot believe he said that…quite frankly I’m hurt. He knows me better.  
“He is the one Nick brought back to your apartment!” Someone yells.  
“No-” I try again but more tears come. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I need to leave!!  
“You lied to me?” His tone is lethal.  
“He’s that man!” Another voice adds. Louis don’t-  
“Why are you doing this to me? Here? Of all places?” I whisper to him. I’m dying on the inside, my heart only managed to mend recently, the stitching still fresh, but the thread holding it together is slowly unraveling.  
“Apparently you can’t do it in the comfort of our own home.” He is backing away slowly leaving me to face the guests on my own. “What else are you hiding, huh? Did you guy’s secretly date or something?!” I can’t help but note how far he’s moved away from me and how close he’s moved to the enemy. But then again, aren’t I the intruder?  
“T-this is not how…” I can’t even finish my sentence. I turn around instead and leave as quickly as my feet can carry me. I hear the hushed chatter pick up upon my departure but the door slams shut cutting it all off. “No...no...no!” I grip my curls.  
“Harry!!” I hear Danielle. I won’t stop. I need Ed. But we’re not talking right now…but maybe he’ll forgive me…under the circumstances. “Please!” She’s small and quick. “Just listen.” She tugs me back just as I reach the door.  
“I…No I c-can’t.” I push her away and continue outside.  
“You need to get Lou! They’ll just convince him Nick did nothing wrong when in the meantime he was the one who fucked up!” I ignore her as I walk down the street back to civilization with my destination already in mind. “Harry!!”  
I’ve had it with this relationship and its link to my past. It was an omen, a warning of what was to come, the final act that has successfully ruined me. I am broken, even more so than before knowing Lou was something more, something great, something I could never forget. He was…everything to me and now he too is gone.  
I let the tears stream down my face as I hurry away from that dreadful place and away from those people I wish to never see again. Lou can decide on his own what’s good for him, choose to believe what he wants. But I will not wait around with the chance of getting hurt. I physically can’t. Not now. Not ever.  
I need a hug.  
.  
.  
.  
It took about a half hour to get to his apartment, but I made it.  
I hesitate at the front door afraid of what he’ll do if he sees me standing here in a complete and utter mess once again. I have to try…  
So I suppress a sob and knock.

I hear footfalls and nearly choke on my tongue as fear replaces my anguish. If I see Ed now I’ll be whole again. No, Lou is gone. _You’re not complete anymore._ The door swings open revealing…not Ed. Instead it’s his roommate who, up until this point, I haven’t met yet. I can imagine what’s going through this poor person’s mind…  
“Um…” The man says.  
“Is Ed home? I r-really need to speak with him.” I choke on another sob. My hand immediately covers my mouth to hold it back.  
“He…is not. Who are you?”  
“When will he be home?” I swipe at my nose and eyes. “I really need to see him.”  
“Look, kid. Tell me who you are first? Then let’s go from there.” I stare at the man in bewilderment. “Okay, I’m Ryan.”  
“I’m…I’m…fucked up.” I whisper.  
“Wow, is this some joke? Am I on America’s Funniest Home Videos!? HA-HA Ed very funny! I’m not falling for your shit!!” The man peaks his head out of the apartment looking over my shoulder. I need to lie down.  
“S’not a j-joke. Sorry, I’m Ed’s…well was Ed’s b-best friend-”  
“You’re Harry.” The man, Ryan, says and my eyes widen. _He spoke about me? How? What did he say?_  
“Uh, yeah?” _Was it positive? Was it...bad?_ Well judging from the way he is looking at me...very, very bad.  
“He told me about you…” Oh no. “He said that if you show up here, like this, to send you home to your parents and advise you seek help.”  
“What?” I think I’ve gone numb.  
“He wants you to get help?” Ryan looks so out of place, I almost feel bad.

“H-help? But...but him... he's…” He was my help!! “I don't...I…” I turn away and head back down the hallway.  
“Sorry!! That’s per Ed’s suggestions!” I just need a shoulder to cry on.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
I purchase a one way ticket to West Chester, somehow manage to find an empty seat on the train, and cry until my head aches and heart burns with dread.


	14. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I like Louis’ hair.” I spill. “It’s so soft and pretty and I like running my hands through it and the way it falls across his face and how he flicks it out of his eyes with one quick motion of his head and the way it brushes my cheeks when he kisses me. I like that the most I think. I like him the most.”

I'm standing outside my parents house about to unlock the door. This is where my legs carried me, this is where _Ed_ wanted me to come to _seek_ help. Professional help? That's what he thinks I am now? Crazy?

_I am crazy._

I walk into the house, kick off my shoes, and ascend the stairs as defeat begins to settle. It's weighing me down, crushing my bones, sucking the very air from my lungs! And it's only the start of it... _holy shit_ . It's debilitating.  
“Whose there?” I hear Robin’s voice from down the hall. “I’ll call the police if you take another step!” I turn towards him with red rimmed eyes, disheveled hair, and a downturned mouth. It's probably a pitiful sight.  
“Who is it?!” My mom appears behind him, shrieks when she recognizes me. “Harry!?” She runs to me, places her hands on my cheeks, takes me in. “What’s wrong my love!? Why are you crying!? Robin, get Harry a sweater, he’s freezing!!” I must have gone numb. “My goodness you’ve lost so much weight! Why are you here? Are you ill? Come on, let’s get you to bed.” She leads me to my old room, pulls down the sheets and sits me on the bed. “Harry, my goodness.” She places the back of her hand on my forehead, checks for a temperature. “Mmm...you're a little warm...Wait right here, boo. I’ll get you something to drink.” Robin walks in handing me a sweatshirt soon after.  
“Here.” I take it from his grasp and place it on my lap forgetting how to function. I stare blankly at a bookshelf situated in the corner, note the picture frames and worn books filling the space. “Why don’t you put that on?” A tear slowly tips over my lower eyelid. “Um…” My mom reappears.  
“Here...Oh! What’s bothering you?” She sits next to me and rubs my back, blesses me with her gentleness. “I can feel your spine through your shirt. Harry, are you eating? What is going on?! You haven’t called us or your sister in weeks and here you show up frail, crying, in the middle of the night?” I smash my face into her shoulder. “It’s okay, dear. Just…let it out.” She continues to rub my back in comfort as I silently cry. This was all I wanted actually, a shoulder to cry on, someplace warm to grieve, a place to call my own.

I don’t stop.

Well I can’t stop…  
“Why don’t we let him sleep? Maybe he’ll be better in the morning.” Robin suggests.  
“B-but...what’s wrong my dear? Is there anything you want to tell me?” She cups my face and looks directly into my bloodshot eyes, studies the blankness staring back at her. “In the morning…we’re talking. Sleep now, baby.” She kisses my cheek and releases me. “If you need anything, let me know.” I nod once, collapse into my awaiting pillows.

“Goodnight.” Robin and Mom shut the door behind them shutting me into the confines of my room and thoughts.  
I look around the room, note the only item missing is the lamp that is now at the apartment in Brooklyn. I’m sitting in a time capsule apparently. Maybe I will wake up in 1996, the year of my high school graduation, the year I decided to attend NYU and not Northeastern, and change everything, start over. One small choice could have saved me, but damn my insecurities…I couldn’t move to a new city on my own.  
I pull the sheets up to my chin savoring in the heat as it warms me from the outside in. I am still wearing my ratty jeans and t-shirt but the thought of moving sounds exhausting so I simply disregard the stiff denim and dirtied cotton and will my body to sleep.  
I close my eyes and decide right then that I am moving.

 _It sounds like a plan._  
.  
.  
.  
.  
“Mom, I don’t need-”  
“No! Shush. You’re rail thin…I felt your spine through that shirt of yours…it’s not healthy. You look gaunt.” She pours more pancake batter into the pan, continues preparing this extravagant breakfast that I will probably _not_ eat. I roll my eyes. “I even put chocolate chips!”  
“Great…Just what I need.” Robin walks in then.  
“How are you feeling today?” He sits next to me and spreads out the weekend newspaper.  
“Better.” I lean over the counter, rest my head in my arms.  
“Do you care to explain what that was?” Robin is distracted with the sports section, clearly not dedicated in our _conversation_ , obviously given the task to speak to his 23 year old step-son regarding his emotional well-being. _Who wants to be subjected to that awkward exchange?_

_Oh wait._

Fuck.  
“Um…I needed to come home?”  
“And why’s that?” He turns the page, keeps his eyes glued to the words.  
“Honey, are you even paying attention?” Mom scolds. “Put that thing down.” She flicks the backside of the paper startling Robin. “The baseball stats can wait until after breakfast.” She pokes my head. “And you. Sit up.” I whine into my arms.  
“No. I’m tired. You woke me up from a wonderful sleep.” I groan.  
“Well, you woke me up from a wonderful sleep when you arrived unannounced frightening your mother half to death.” I lift my head.  
“I’m sorry. It was a spur of the moment decision and I just went with it. I did not mean to scare either of you.”  
“We know, baby. Just next time, call us? Or maybe come at a normal hour?” Mom gently combs her fingers through my curls. I sigh into the touch wishing it was someone else…but that’s gone now.  
“I have big news.” I announce needing a diversion.  
“What’s that?” Robin picks up the paper again, but the moment mom glares in his direction, he drops it.  
“I um…got a promotion at work.”  
“That’s great!! What will you be doing?”  
“Yeah! I'll-”  
“Already?” Robin cuts me off, immediately loses his interest, just simply going through the motions.  
“Let me finish. I am being relocated-”  
“Where?” Robin snaps.  
“Seattle.” My mom nearly drops the plate of pancakes on the floor.  
“What?! Not you too! I’ve already lost your sister. You can’t go!” I am taken aback by my mother’s reaction. I thought she would be happy for me.  
“I want to though.” I attempt to sound enthusiastic.  
“Why are they moving you?” Robin continues.  
“My boss wants to expand and he likes me-”  
“Are you dating him?” He questions with mild disgust.  
“…huh?” My heart sinks.  
“Is that why you’re getting ahead so quickly?” Robin picks up the paper again.  
“No! I'm working hard, damnit! Proving myself... Moving out of my comfort zone!” I rise from my chair. “How could you say that to me? I don’t fuck everyone with a dick!”  
“Harry! Watch your language!” Mom yells. “Sit your butt down!” She points to the seat knowing at one point in my life that was an actual threat. Now, not so much. _Well now that I think about it... she's still terrifying._  
“No! This is bullshit. I am finishing my masters, working full-time, living alone, adulting and this is what I get? I’m screwing my boss therefore I get promoted!?” I throw my hands in the air in aggravation.  
“You’re right. I apologize. It’s just really soon.” Robin remains eerily calm. “You are working hard and I commend you on that.”  
“Thank you.” I huff and sit back down. “As I was saying…” A huge stack of pancakes appears in front of me. “That’s a lot.” My eyes widen. “Shit.”  
“Eat.” Mom demands. “You are too thin.”  
“What if I told you I was working out more and that explains my size?”  
“Don’t care. Eat.” She slides the bottle of syrup over. “Enjoy!” I eye her then the mound of food in front of me. I feel sick instantly.  
“Tell us more about this promotion.” Robin surprisingly places the paper down, turns his attention towards me.  
“They are looking to expand to the west coast and found Seattle had a similar market to the city.” I take a tentative bite of the pancake and chew slowly, pretend I am enjoying it to appease mother dearest. But let's be real here, there is no way in hell I can eat all this. “They like how I work and said I’ll fit in.”  
“What about your living situation?” Robin…as I’ve stated, the sensible one.  
“They’re going to pay for everything and give me a raise since I’ll be scouting clients and training staff.” I try another bite and my stomach turns offer from the sweetness.  
“You’re going to be in charge?” My mother perks up. “How will you do that with school? Don't you think your studies are more important?”  
“Zayn also said the company will pay my tuition since I’ll have to switch universities. I may have to start my Master’s program over but it’ll be free.” Another bite…ugh…I take a giant sip of orange juice to counter the sugar. “And... it'll be alright. I'll start up in the Spring semester when everything settles down.”  
“Wow, that’s quite the offer.” Robin looks at my mother. “It doesn’t seem so bad.”  
“Seattle, though?” Mom asks.  
“I’ll have Gemma.” I reassure.  
“I know my dear. But we love having you here.” Now she’s getting all mushy and junk. "I'll miss you so much.” My head aches all of a sudden.  
“It’s a career move, Mom. It’s not like I’m leaving because of-” A man. I sort of let that idea trail off as I shove more pancake into my mouth. But my stomach clenches though, attempts to fight off the food traveling down my esophagus. _It's warning me... NO MORE_ . So I push the plate away before I vomit all over the kitchen. “I’m done.”  I announce.  
“You’ve barely made a dent.” She sighs. “I’m saving them. You may get hungry later.” I highly doubt that.  
“I just haven’t had an appetite lately.” Honestly, I don’t know why? I can explain my lack of hunger right now but before? No clue.  
“Are you stressed? Maybe you should come back home for the time-being. You know, before the big move.” Robin suggests. And for once, I agree.  
“Yes. I would like that.” I nod.  
“Great. We can break your lease with the landlord to save some money. He seemed easygoing.” He says. “When are you leaving for Seattle?” Robin, always taking the lead. Fine by me.  
“I’ll ask my boss. I can text him and let you know.” I stand from the chair once again. “Thanks for breakfast, Mom.”  
“Are you leaving?!” She eyes me wearily.  
“I want to pack up the apartment.” I shrug.  
“Stay a little longer though? We can drive you back.” My mother takes my hand, pleads with her eyes while Robin huffs because he is the one most likely taking me back to Brooklyn...sorry.  
“Okay, I will.” I nod with a small smile and wince the moment my step father rolls his eyes.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
I’m sitting in the backyard soaking in the summer heat and enjoying the quiet surrounding me. It's a different lifestyle here in the suburbs, one that I've grown to... hate but there is no place like home.  
Home.  
Home.  
Home.  
Where is my home?  
My phone buzzes then, alerts me to a message, resurrects my brain from silly thoughts of a home I'll probably never get to call my own. I tentatively reach a hand forward, but pull back as

my heart stutters in my chest with uncertainty, feel the stinging in my abdomen, the dread because...who could it be? Which one broke first and decided to reach out to me? Did they notice I was missing? Did they have the thought to care? _Did I even cross their mind?_ I choke back a sob at the possibility and the reality of it all because I'm alone, so alone and lost within the confines of my mind while _they_ continue on with their lives unaware to my seclusion and deprivation. My anguish is becoming a permanent sensation in my bones, has completely spoiled any chance I had at overcoming this...this pain. My stupidity. That's it

I pick up the phone, take a deep breath and am actually relieved to see it's Liam. _My escape._  
[L]: Great news!  
[L]: We’d like for you to move in September, around the 11th or 12th.  
[L]: I’ll book a flight for the three of us.  
[L]: We will discuss tomorrow in the office.  
“ROBIN!!” I yell as I swipe at my eyes.  
“He’s stepped out. Is everything okay?” Mom sits next to me with a sleeve of Oreo cookies. I know damn well those are not for her. “Here.” She hands the package to me.  
“Liam got back to me. He said middle of September.” I open the cookies and breathe in the familiar scent of deliciousness. I nearly ate an entire box of these the night Lou…

_You taste like an Oreo...he licked his lips, kissed me, touched me ... admitted he-_

I throw the sleeve of cookies down like an errant child.  
“You could have said no.” She leans over to retrieve them. “That’s a waste…They're all broken!”  
“I-I can’t eat those anymore.” I rush out. “Brings back bad memories.”  
“Oreos?”  
“You wouldn’t understand.” I am not talking about this with her. Whatever I am going through will sort itself out…right?

Lies.  
“Running away will not resolve what you’re going through and don’t start.” I attempt to defend my actions but she puts her hand up. “I know something is bothering you, something you’re not telling me.” I must be that transparent. “I want you to understand that leaving us behind to find yourself in Seattle will not help the healing process. Trust me.”  
“It’s the reminders, the memories, the smell of goddamn Oreos…I need the change.” I twist my fingers in my lap.  
“When your father left for good, do you know how many times I wanted to pack our things and leave? Move to Florida? Or Hawaii? Or someplace not Westchester?” I shake my head no. She rarely speaks about my dad who practically fell off the face of the earth after the divorce. He wasn’t a terrible man, just had issues keeping his priorities in order and being a responsible adult. I remember when Gemma and I made plans to spend one summer with him up in Portland, Maine by the lake. I was looking forward to it…since we rarely heard from him. It was a chance to spend quality time and get to know the man for goodness sake. Unfortunately though, he had other plans and was out gallivanting with single women or getting drunk at the local bar with townies every night. On a few occasions, he brought said women to the house and let’s just say I slept by the fire pit for peace and quiet. Essentially, it was a summer spent with my sister (which I wouldn’t trade for the world) but I would have rather been home with Mom helping her cope, not witness my Dad’s stupidity. “Yes! I wanted to leave here so many times. But you and your sister were content and doing really well in school. There was no way I could ruin that for either of you. And I didn’t want to be selfish so I stayed instead, healed, raised you two and lived life to the fullest. It all worked out. I faced my fears, became a better person. Now I’m happy.” She smiles at me.  
“I think maybe I did take after Dad.” I confess. I too, gallivanted and did dumb shit, got drunk, high, jumped out of a two story building thinking I could fly (and make a rhyme apparently).  
“No way, you do not possess an evil bone in your lanky, frail body.” Ouch. Thanks.  
“Really. I hurt…someone very dear to my heart and I am convinced they’ll never forgive me.”  
“If someone truly cares for you they will listen to your reasoning. They would be stupid not to.”  
“I’d be lost without them if they chose not to.” My heart starts to beat uncontrollably in my chest. “I need him.” I whisper.  
“Oh my boo. Is this about that boy, Lewis?” I snap my head up.  
“It’s Louis. And-” Surprisingly…“-No.”  
“Then who? Please don’t say that awful boy Nick. I hated him.”  
“Really!?”

“Harry, he wasn't a faithful man. Come on you didn't see that?”

“Uh…” I look away, hide my face because...I know. _I know what he was._ “I did, Mom. I do...I mean...yes he was a shitty person. But this has nothing to do with my love life. For once.”

“Then what's wrong?”

“Ed, Mom. I’ve hurt him.” My eyes tear up instantly.  
“Wait, little ginger Teddy?” She takes my hand and massages the back with her thumb.  
“Yes. He won’t speak to me, call me, text me. He’s unreachable and I am so lost without him. I feel empty like part of me is missing.”  
“Why is he ignoring you?” I take a deep breath…  
“It all started here actually…I chose NYU because of him.”  
“What do you mean? Are you not happy with your college choice? I mean now it’s too late…”  
“I am but I really wanted to go to Northeastern. I couldn’t though.” I bite my lip because it sounds worse then it did in my head.  
“Why, sweetie?”  
“Because Ed was going to Julliard in the city. I couldn’t be away from him.” Okay, that sounded creepy.  
“Oh…oh, Harry are you in love with him?” She clutches at her chest.  
“What?! No! He’s my best friend! And I didn’t want him making new best friends. I was selfish and didn’t want him experiencing college without me.” That's it. That's it!!  
“I see now…I was going to say isn’t he dating some girl named Ellie?”  
“I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend.” I shake my head.  
“I saw his mother a week ago at the supermarket. He’s doing very well with work. His roommate Ryan Tedder works at Columbia as a co-producer. She said they have a few demos in the works!” I can’t help but cry instantly, sob into my hand. “I’m sorry my love I didn’t mean to…Don’t cry!”  
“S-see? He isn’t even telling me about his demo or anything.” I wipe my nose. “He hates me.” I snivle.  
“Why exactly isn’t he speaking to you?” I hesitate before I begin as I formulate…how do I put it?    
I rehash the entire ordeal to her, starting with Nick and moving on to Louis, and concluding that I am a shitty friend who supposedly only thinks of my own needs before anyone else’s.  
“So he thinks I only come to him for advice rather than actually wanting to spend time with him.”  
“I can see why he is upset but that shouldn’t be a reason to blatantly ignore you.”  
“I know. And it’s killing me. I’ve tried so hard to reach out to him but I was…”  
“Was what?”  
“So worried about Lou’s feelings and my relationship with him and didn't try hard enough! I am...I am shitty.”  
“Stop saying that will you? You’re not a shitty person.”  
“No I actually really am a bad person.”  
“Humor me. Why?”  
“Oh…um…can I give the short of it? It’s kind of embarrassing and not my classiest of moments.”  
“Sure.”  
“Well, Louis and Nick used to date-”  
“OH NO!! You didn’t! Look I know you’re a nice looking man but seriously?!” My mother looks appalled not fully grasping what occurred.  
“It wasn’t like that though! Nick and I met at a party and it turned out he was the scumbag and cheated on Louis…unfortunately with me but I didn’t know! But Lou and I met a few months ago having no clue of our unique past. It was just…coincidental.” I sniffle.  
“Yuck.” My mother makes a face and I can’t help but laugh through my tears. “Ah ha, that’s the sound I’ve missed hearing from you.” She pinches my dimpled cheek. “Don’t ever stop smiling, you hear me? You’re too special to be miserable. You’ll make a difference, I know it.”  
“It’s been…very hard.” I sober.  
“I can imagine but you’re still so young. You will make your mark, find the love of your life, and find new friends. It’ll work out.”  
“But Ed…he’s…”  
“He is comfortable to you because you grew up with him. He was your rock when your father left, kept you together. No wonder you feel such a bond with him. It’s only natural.”  
“Yes. He's like a brother.”

“And he'll come around. He's been so busy with his recording he hardly calls his mom!”

“I suppose…” I shrug.  
“So what’s the deal with the other boy then?”  
“Oh-” I bury my hand in my curls. “He found out.”  
“Found out what?” Mom questions.  
“About me being with Nick? And how I ruined their relationship?”  
“I see…” She’s just listening. How nice is that?  
“Yeah, it was bad. We weren’t alone either. We were at a party and it was…brought up.” I cringe. “I can never forget his face,his eyes. He was disappointed.”  
“Was Nick forthcoming about being with someone?”  
“No! That’s what I kept saying!! I don’t know…Louis just got so angry. He didn’t let me explain.”  
“He was hurting. What if you were in his shoes? How would you react?”  
“I...I don’t know. I felt awful though.”  
“Of course you did. But like you said, you didn’t know! Nick was a…what did you say? Scumbag?” I laugh again at my mother’s perfect use of the insult.  
“He is the epitome.”  
“Yes I can agree.” She takes my hand once more. “Don’t shut him out, alright boo? Give him a chance. What if he really likes you?”  
“I don’t think he does anymore…I lied to him.”  
“Actually, you really didn’t…but let’s not get technical.”  
“How did you know about Lou in the first place?”  
“Gemma. Seems you fill her in on everything.”  
“Oh…” She's in deep shit.  
“Where are you guys?” Robin calls from inside the house.  
“Out in the back!” Mom yells.     
“Thank you.” I say. “I feel a lot better.”  
“Good. Now knock em dead!”  
.  
.  
.  
.  
I’m at the apartment sorting through my shit determining what stays and what goes.  
After my conversation with mom I know what Ed meant. He didn’t want me to seek out psychiatric help or get pumped with drugs, he meant to speak with my mom and be in the comfort of our childhood, immerse myself in familiarity and love. Forget about life even if it was for a short time. How does he get it every time? I am praying one day he can forgive me and we can move on, start up where we left off like nothing happened, and be best friends again.  
I open the dresser drawer and note the state of my clothes that have been haphazardly thrown in without being folded. It’s a complete mess. Ugh, I’m so lazy. I take everything out to refold and organize when I stumble upon a purple sweatshirt that was shoved in the back. I tentatively pick the hoody up, find the Columbia logo displayed on the front and just stare at it, stare at the letters, the color, the size... everything. _I don’t deserve him_. I immediately put the sweatshirt back and ignore the tears pooling in my eyes.

I’ll ship it to him.  
There’s a knock and my heart jolts, my body comes alive, my soul awakens. It's the phone all over again. _Who broke first_ ? Did someone notice? _Either one...I don't care!_ I need to mend my broken heart.

I slowly walk over and open the door to reveal-  
“Hi Niall.” I hide my disappointment. _But no. Niall is a friend._  
“Hey, my man! Barb and I are going out on the roof, wanna join?” I look around the messy apartment. It can wait.  
“Sure!” I follow him up.  
“You leaving?” Niall asks once we’re outside. Barbara is sitting with her friend…Sam? We take a seat opposite the women.  
“I am…Job relocation.” I take the hookah and inhale.  
“That’s awesome, dude. Where to?”  
“Seattle.”  
“It rains a lot in Seattle.” Sam comments.  
“It does. But my sister also lives there so it’ll be great to be with her again.”  
“What about the boy?” Barbara questions as she braids her hair.  
“The boy?” I squeak.  
“The boy. You know, short-ish, weird comb over hair-do thing, glasses, nerd. You know, the boy?” Sam clarifies. _My little geeky nerd._  
“He um…” I pause.  
“Do you love him?” Barbara asks. I look to Niall whose been attempting to roll a joint since we arrived.  
“Love? I don’t-”  
“Yeah you know, love. That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you see them? The need to be with them all the time it’s sickening…at least to some people? The thought of having to live without them unbearable?” Sam yet again answers.  
“I know what love is.” I confirm. “It’s just a really personal question.”  
“Well, if you were in love with him, the answer would be easy.” Niall says out of the blue. I look over at him surprised, the joint now coming together.  
“Our relationship is complicated right now.”  
“Are you saying…you’re not? Because that would seriously be a bummer. You’re like, the cutest couple. Ever.” Barbara is now twisting her hair into a makeshift crown?  
“Cuter than these two here.” Sam points to Barbara and Niall. “Picture perfect.” She winks.  
“I…we are?” I grip my curls.  
“My god yeah! The way he held you during the fireworks? Adorable!” Barbara croons as she finishes her hair.  
“I guess we are. We just have a lot to sort through. Especially with me leaving.”  
“Are you sure leaving is a good idea?” Niall questions as he lights the spliff.  
“I don’t know what’s good or bad. I hurt either way.”  
“Do what is right for you in here.” Sam points to my chest. “Follow that. Although, you follow your cerebral cortex not your heart…your heart is just a muscle and holds no bearing to your decision making. Just keeps the blood pumping.” She presses on her chest as if to mimic a heart beat. Is this girl okay?  
“Um…yeah?” What is this? I feel like the entire universe is out to help me sort out my issues, sort through my baggage and weed out the shit. “Can I have that?” I point to the joint in the blonde’s hand.  
“Here ya have it! This one is special.” Niall’s eyes light up. “Made it especially for you.”  
“Is that so?” I take a deep inhale and woooow….  
“Yeah! You like?”  
“Uh-huh.” I take hit after hit and am high within minutes. I feel glorious.

 _And free._  
.  
.  
.  
.  
We all lounge on the roof for what seems like hours just talking about the color of grass and the blueness of the sky. Nothing pressing for a change. Both Barb and I agree that white chocolate covered pretzels are better than dark chocolate covered pretzels because white chocolate is sweeter therefore enhances the saltiness of the pretzel making for a better balance on your taste buds.  
“White chocolate pairs better honestly.” I am so out of it, my head somehow made it into Sam’s lap.  
“I’m going to make your curls even curlier!!” She announces.  
“Good because soon I’ll be cutting it all off.”  
“Whaaaat?” Barbara whines. “It’s sooo pretty. I’d die for your curly locks.”  
“Hey, babe. What about mine, eh? Don’t like the blonde anymore?” Niall asks.  
“You have beautiful hair.” She runs her fingers messily through the dyed fringe.  
“I like Louis’ hair.” I spill. “It’s so soft and pretty and I like running my hands through it and the way it falls across his face and how he flicks it out of his eyes with one quick motion of his head and the way it brushes my cheeks when he kisses me. I like that the most I think. I like him the most.”  
“Oooh…that’s romantic.” Sam continues to touch my curls.  
“He’s romantic.” I feel so good… “I want to see him. Where is Louis? Why isn’t he with me?” I reach my hand out blindly for him.  
“You came here alone. Niall got you.” Barbara clarifies. Sam’s fingers are too rough, they’re not Lou’s. She is not gentle like him!  
“But why isn’t he here? He always shows up!” I sit up abruptly. My head starts to spin. “I have to find him. He always comes for me. Niall!!!”  
“Yes---man!” The blonde is gone…shocker.  
“Where is Lou?” My voice is getting louder.  
“Dunno…found you in your apartment by yourself, mate!”  
“I have to find him!” I stand up, of course nearly toppling over but I manage to recover. The stairs are just as bad and I almost trip when I miss a step. “Louis. Where are you?” I yell. I enter my apartment. “Louis!!” I slap my cheek a few times to get my head straight but the weed is muddling my brain. “Lou! Please come out.” I look in the kitchen, bathroom, under the bed (hey you never know), everywhere…and…“He isn’t here! Louis!!” I throw the sheets off my bed, rip open every drawer, throw the clothes to the floor making sure I search every inch of the space. “Lou!!!” I find his sweatshirt on the ground and quickly pick it up, clutch the fabric to my chest and inhale his scent. The need to have him with me at this very moment is so strong, I can feel my heart ache with every beat in my chest. “L-Lou please come to me.” I lie down on the mattress and bury my face into the sweatshirt. “I…I…” I cry myself to sleep feeling at a loss.


	15. Trust Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now I'm outside Louis’ door.  
> Now I'm outside Louis’ door formulating my apology.

I just knocked.

I just knocked and there's no answer.

I just knocked and there's no answer and I know my chances of resurrecting our friendship is coming to an end. This was my last attempt to fix us, my final push to mend what I managed to shatter and destroy unbeknownst to me.

I was oblivious, heedless to my actions, unable to believe we were breakable, that our bond so impenetrable nothing could separate us.

And I was wrong, so very wrong because Ed is a human, Ed hurts, Ed has feelings, Ed _cares_ . And I took advantage of him, of his advice, his willingness to come to my aid when I _desperately_ needed him. I will never be able to forgive myself either. I'll always be the one at fault, will always wake up knowing the fuckin truth, that I will have to take full responsibility for the fallout. I ache knowing the truth, knowing damn well I can never call on him for anything even if it's just to talk, or even consider dropping in to say hi. Those opportunities are gone...I think.

But then the door opens, that one small motion that managed to alter my sanity, breathe life into my lungs...bring me hope because it's him in the flesh, not a distant memory or my brain running its course. _He's here, breathing the same air._  
“Hi-” He says the moment I come into view but I attack him, embrace him in a tight hold, tug him flush to my chest, and cry.  
“Ed.” I sob out. “My God... _Ed.”_ My voice is unrecognizable to my ears, the emotion it holds foreign. “I'm...I-” He hugs me back, sighs deeply. “S-sorry. So sorry.” I manage. “And...and I never thought-”

“It's okay.” He says, pats my back gently. “We're-”

“No!” I release him, swipe angrily at my tears and wet cheeks. I'm standing in the hallway still, breaking down for the world to witness. “It _wasn't_ okay.” I spit. “I was not... _okay_ . I was a shitty friend, I was blind, stupid, insensible. _I didn't even care_ most days.” I grip at my curls, divert my gaze to the floor. “I never asked how you were or _stopped_ talking about myself.” I bite down on my bottom lip to suppress a sob. “I was so possessive and suffocating and just…” I look to him then, find the astonishment on his face. “I never thanked you. And that...that was wrong of me because.. I took advantage of you. _Of us_ really and now I wish to mend that.” My voice is hushed. “I’m half a person without you, you know? My heart, my mind, my very soul misses your company, misses your kind ways and reassurances. It _hurts_ when you're not around...and I of course...well I am a complete mess.” He snorts at that. “I am though. I am discombobulated, so out of sorts, running around like a chicken without a head. And I know it's because you're not around anymore. My subconscious needs you. _I need you_ “ I rush out. “And I am seeking your forgiveness because your friendship means more to me than _anything_ .” I take a deep breath. “That's if you want to accept though. Of course I'll understand if you choose not to but I hope you can look past my greediness and forgive me.” He nods once, looks away, seems... uncertain. “It's fine.” My heart picks up its pace. “I get it.” I nod, feel this gaping hole in my chest. “I knew it wouldn't be this easy and it makes sense honestly. It was too many years...I was too much to handle.” I say. “I was more like a nuisance than a friend.” I murmur. “So I'll just um…” I motion towards the stairs with my head. “I'll go.” I turn away then, glance towards him quickly, find his head is still down cast. “T-thanks for listening.” I take a step back. “I'll miss you.” I sob, feel the tears running down my cheeks. “Please know that I will never be the same again. I valued everything you told me, did for me...every single hug.” I sigh. “ _Everything_ “ I reiterate with vehemence. “So...um…yeah.” I nod. “B-bye Ed.” I turn away and head towards the stairs.

“I’ve missed you too.” His voice is barely above a whisper but it makes me pause. “I wanted to make amends on countless occasions actually.” I turn my head in his direction.

“Y-you did?” I snivle.

“Yes.” His tone is saddened.

“W-why didn't you? I was waiting...I was losing my shit! I thought-” I hiccup into the back of my hand.

“You had to speak with your mother, I felt-” I breakdown into my hands, lean heavily against the wall for support. “Oh, Harry.” He quickly approaches then, wraps his arms securely around my torso.

“I'm... I'm...so s-sorry.” I sob into his shoulder, embrace him in a hug, feel my strength dwindling.

“I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have done that to you...I was so angry though, just sick and tired of the same story day in and day out.” He breaks away, grips my biceps, looks me square in the eye. I'm finding it difficult to squash down my unrelenting tears. “I didn't know what to do! I couldn't get through to you or figure out how to pull you away from these thoughts. So I did the next best thing.” He drops his hands.

“W-what was that?” I swipe at my nose.

“Come inside.” He turns around and walks back into his apartment. “We'll bother the neighbors.”

“Oh.” I trail behind him without question, plop myself down on his sectional and clamp my knees together, rest my fists on my knees. He sits in the chair opposite me and remains silent for a moment. It's unnerving. “W-why-”

“I had to ignore you.” He spits and I may or may not have blacked out for a second or two. “I didn't know any other way to get through to you, Harry. I ran out of ideas!!”

“So...so was that yelling...fake?” I ask.

“No…” He shakes his head. “I was pissed off. But I never meant to ignore you for as long as I did. But I knew it was working. I knew you'd come to terms with what you did, grow up, move past your ex boyfriend and mistakes you've made.”

“I…”

“I wanted you to figure it out on your own, speak with your mother, realize you do not need to be dependent on someone.” He rests his elbows on his knees. “You can overcome your issues.”

“I was falling apart.”

“No you were grieving because we weren't talking, you were upset over running into your ex at Starbucks, angry over whatever Larry may have done.”

“Louis.”

“Sorry.” He shakes his head. “And it may make me seem cold but I think it worked.” I shrug.

“Possibly.” I recover slightly. “I won't lie, it hurt.”

“I know and I'm...now I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you this bad or prolong my silence for as long as I did “

“My life sucks without you.” I admit. “I suck without you.”  
“I am pretty cool, aren’t I?” He smirks cheekily.  
“The coolest.” I admit. “And a hell of a patient friend.”  
“I couldn't agree more.” His smile widens.

“Probably too good for me.” I divert my gaze.

“Most definitely not, Harry and I wish for you realize that as well. Neither of us is better than the other or _cooler_ or whatever it is that you believe in that brain of yours. We are on equal playing fields, are allowed to fuck up once awhile, be human!” He pulls a curl between his fingers. “And that includes you, okay?” I look to him and feel a surge of emotions consume me. I nearly choke.

“I...I try.” I swipe at my nose. “I'll try even harder now too because I can't go another minute without you.”

“And you won't. This will not happen again.” He gestures between us. “We're fine. _Better_ than fine even. We're fantastic!” He smirks.

“Okay.” I nod, feel the relief in my bones. “Yes...yes okay cool.”

“Great. How's your mother by the way?” He asks.

“Good. She's good. We spoke...a lot...maybe too much.” I shrug. “She said she saw your mom actually...told her about some demo?”  
“Yeah! Holy shit it's crazy...I haven't played it for anyone actually.” He sits back in his seat.

“Why? I'm sure it's excellent-”

“I wanted you to listen to it first.” My heart jumps, I do a double take, I nearly forget to breathe!

“W-what? Really?” My voice is failing me.

“You’re my best friend.” He says with certainty.

“I….I...didn't think I was anymore.” I touch my chest in disbelief.

“No, you'll be no matter what happens.”

“Even if I...move across the country?” I add that small fact.

“Even if you moved across the world, eloped, and decided to live in a hut.” He focuses on me again. “Anything you do will not destroy us, any decision, any change-”

“I _am_ moving to Seattle.” I confirm.

“You are!?” He sits up and I nod. “Wow!! I didn't think...fuck what's Lowell going to say?”

“It's Louis and a lot has happened between us so I'm not so sure he'll care where I fuck off to.”

“Huh, why?” He tilts his head in confusion.

“He found out, Ed. He found out and it was shit and I couldn't defend myself and I'm done talking about it.” I rush out. “I heard you have a girlfriend now.” I divert the conversation back to him.

“Um…” He pauses a moment before continuing. “Yes I do. She is actually asleep right now. She just got back from tour.”

“Oh a music chick?” I nudge him. “Tall and blonde I'm sure?”

“She's not too tall but she's blonde!”

“See? She thinks you're cute.”

“Ugh... hopefully more than cute.” He rolls his eyes.

“Positively adorable!” I try.

“Or just...lame.”

“Shush you!” I smile, release a small chuckle. “You're the one who said you'll never get a girlfriend yet here you are.”

“I know... _I know_.” He says. “I get it.”

“I can't wait to meet her. You know, give her my stamp of approval.”

“Alright, Grandpa we're not getting married tomorrow.”

“Hey you _never_ know!” I smile towards him. “Need to make sure she isn't mistreating you because trust me, I'll give her hell.”

“You're my personal bodyguard then.”

“Yup!” I smirk. But soon the light-heartedness is gone. “So…” I try to break through the silence.

“Yeah so…”

“Let me hear your demo.” I decide.

“Okay.” He seems worried.

“Are you not ready? I mean I can wait to listen just as long as I get to hear it _first_.”

“No I am.” He stands. “Just promise me something?”

“Sure.” I follow him to the door.

“Don't make fun.”

“I'd never.”

“Good because you were my muse.” He smirks and walks right out the front door.

“Wait what!?”

.  
.  
.  
.  
It's entitled Happier, his single, his song, his very first...studio recorded _song_ and it was partially about me. _Well_ , I was the so called inspiration, I was the one who inadvertently brought the song to life.

“I love it.” I compliment after we've heard the track a few times. “It's a little sad but I think it relates to...a lot of people who are experiencing heartache.” I bite down on my bottom lip.  
“Mmm...it does.” He nods.

“Sucks that I gave you the idea.”

“Well, it was meant to be in your exes perspective seeing _you_ in a better place.”

“Uh…oh.” My stomach twists. “Well-”

“Yeah, to be some sort of proclamation that you have moved on, that now your ex is the one struggling to get over you.”

“I see.” I nod, hit the play button once more. “I should be listed as a writer you know...at the very end at least. After all I did have some input into the lyrics.”

“Ha! Well yeah sure but I can't promise any royalties.”

“Whatever, as long as I get to listen to it whenever I feel like.” The tune plays out, gives me chills every time he says _my friends told me I'd feel it too, and until then I'll smile to hide the truth._ Because isn't that the...truth? I'm faking it?

“Don't avoid him.” Ed's words stir me from my reverie.

“Huh?”

“Talk to Luke-”

“ _Louis._ ”

“Right. Don't leave him in the dark.”

“B-but how did-”

“Harry please you're my best friend. _Don't ignore him._ ”

“Ed…I'm not...I just haven't had the courage to speak to him.” We leave the studio then, make our way down 5th Avenue towards Grand Central Station.  
“Well, you need to grow some balls, man. Do it before he walks away. Do it before you miss the opportunity. Do it before you decide to not wear his shirts anymore.” My eyes wide and I look down at my...well _his_ Columbia t-shirt. _Oops_.

“But what if...what if he doesn't care and walks away for good?”

“Then you can say you tried. You _can say_ you gave it your all, move to Seattle and officially _move on._ It will give you closure if anything.”

“But…” I stop walking. “What if he does want me?” I have this sinking feeling in my gut.

“Isn't that the point?”

“I won't be _here_ anymore.” I confirm. “How will it work?”

“When there's a will there's a way and I believe, if this dude really likes you, he'll find it.” He nods. “So don't give up. Give it a shot. Give Louis the chance.” I feel tears in my eyes.

“You said it right.”

“Oh I knew his name the entire time I just liked watching you lose your shit.”

“What!?” I slap his arm, swipe at my eyes. “Rude!!! That's rude!!”

“Ha!! Nah...it was funny.” His smile is contagious.

“Ugh...Ed!!!”

“Go! Speak to the man before I drag you by your fingernails.” He pushes me towards the subway. “And get laid. You need to unwind a little.” I blush at his words.

“I fully intend to.” I smile.

.  
.  
.  
.  
Now I'm outside Louis’ door.

Now I'm outside Louis’ door formulating my apology.

Now I'm outside Louis’ door imagining how he is sitting on the couch, picturing him seated cross-legged with his laptop on his legs and glasses slipping down his nose. He'll undoubtedly be wearing socks and those Columbia sweatpants with his hair floppy, soft, and slightly greasy from his fingers running through the fringe. His eyes will be bloodshot, his lips chewed, and eyebrows scrunched together as if deep in thought. He'd be absolutely adorable, cuddly, squishy, and cute, waiting for me to announce when dinner is ready... probably whining about how hungry he is and how terrible his meeting went. It would be our routine, our normal evening...a time when there were no issues….a time when I could kiss him.

 _And Fuck._ I want him to be in my arms.

So bad.

So fuckin bad.

Because I miss him terribly, miss us like crazy, miss...what we created.  
I take a step closer and am able to hear his television through the door, hear the unmistakable sounds of _Sleepless in Seattle_ blaring through the speaker, hear him chuckling at the _same places_ I would as well. It's like I'm sitting next to him on the sofa absently touching his arm, running my fingers along his skin with such gentleness. It seems too real in my mind, too close yet far away...so-  
I drop him a text needing his warmth.  
[H]: Open up. Please.

Is all I say because that should be enough.  
I hear his phone go off, hear his gasp followed by loud footfalls smacking against the wood as if he is in a rush. As if he's... running towards me with excitement, fear... longing? What is it?

The door swings open and he's exactly how I pictured him although, my fantasies do not give him any justice. He's absolutely perfect. And his eyes are rimmed red, his glasses unable to hide the purple underneath. _He looks exhausted_ .  
“W-why are you watching that movie?” I ask him as he stares me down in what looks to be astonishment.  
“It makes me think of you.” He let’s go of the doorframe, pushes his glasses up his nose. “Helps me cope.” I swallow past the lump in my throat.  
“In a good or….or a bad way?” I watch him run his fingers through his fringe, feel the jealousy arise from that simple touch. _Mine_ .  
“What do you think?”  
“I’m afraid to think what I’m thinking…does that make sense?” I bite my lip, as my eyes memorize the plains of his face.  
“Not really but I sort of understand because I feel the same way.” He twists his fingers, eyes my shirt. “That's mine.” He points out.  
“Yeah, you used to wear it with those pants actually.” I gesture to the faded, and very much tattered sweats he cannot seem to part with.  
“I’ve been meaning to get it back…” He clears his throat. “But I think I like it on you better.”  
“Is that so?” My palms are sweating, itching, screaming at me to _touch him again_ .  
“Uh-huh. But…” He glances at me, then to the floor. “But I like you on me even more.” I suppress _my_ gasp, find my window of opportunity.  
“Yeah?” I take a small step forward.

“Yes, H. And I miss what we had.” I take another step.

“You do?” I'm standing before him now and gently place my fingers on his forearm.

“Yup.” He whispers as I touch him delicately. “So badly that I...that I watch this movie every night because it makes me think of you. And I never want to lose that feeling I get when your beautiful face comes to mind.” I grip his arm, feel my body react on it's own. “And how hollow I really am when I realize you're not sitting next to me.” I cup his cheek, feel his tears touching my palm. “And how much I wish I could hold you? Or feel you holding me? Because right now…” He trails off, closes his eyes, leans into my touches.

“Because what?” I whisper to him.

“Because right now it's all I want. Right now and for the future. Always. I want you holding me.”

“I will. I want...I want to.” I choke.

“I couldn’t find you.” He starts then  “I didn’t see you at Starbucks. I called you, texted to no avail. You’re not at the apartment anymore. The place is empty. I was empty. Where did you go?” He encircles his arms around my torso, grips at the hem of my t-shirt.  
“I moved back home.”  
“Why?” His eyes are glassy, his lips trembling.  
“Because I…” I pause a moment to regroup. “I accepted the promotion at work.” He sucks his bottom lip between his teeth.  
“W-when are you going?” His fingers tighten on the fabric.  
“Next month.” I rush out. _Don’t cry…don’t cry._ I swallow back a sob.  
“Are you…leaving because of m-me?” I shake my head no and shrug.  
“I…um…” I pause again. “I thought I needed to…you know start over? Because of what happened, the memories this city holds, and I couldn’t live with it any longer. So I accepted.”  
“I thought you said you were not going anywhere?” Tears are falling now.  
“You called me out in front of all of those people. I thought you hated me…I don’t know!” I let go of him and walk past him into the condo.  
“You ran away that night!” Louis follows close behind.  
“I had no choice! You were bombarding me, cornering me, siding with Nick. How could you do that?” More tears…a lot more are saturating my face.  
“Do you have any idea how difficult it was to hear from that wench you were the one who my now ex-boyfriend cheated on me with?”  
“I was going to tell you!!! The moment I found out I wanted to spill, lay out the truth, put everything we had on the line but I couldn’t. I didn't have the courage to.”  
“It would have been a lot easier in the beginning, made things clearer.”  
“Why so then you wouldn’t get close to me? Decide right then and there that I am just a whore who does not deserve anything more than a blow job or fuck? Is that it?”  
“Do you hear yourself!? A whore!? Do you honestly-”  
“Well what else would you call the _other-man_ huh? Aren’t they always titled the sluts who fuck around ruining people’s relationships? Did you ever think that maybe I was just looking to have fun? Lose my goddamn virginity? Meet a single… _available_ person that night? If I knew you were in the picture I wouldn’t have bothered because I do have a heart and I _do_ care.” I point to myself.  
“I had no idea what to think. But how I felt the day I found out Nick was cheating on me isn’t relevant anymore. I don’t give a rats ass how I felt all those years ago. Nick doesn’t matter anymore. You do! Your feelings are all I worry about and will continue to make my number one priority because-” I can’t take it anymore, the tension is so taught I see it splintering before my eyes. The validation that Lou doesn’t care about Nick anymore, what they had in the past will remain in the past, and he cares for me…and will continue to care for me is all I need. The future has hope. We can make it work.  
Before he can finish his sentence I cup his face once more, smash our lips together, and guide him slowly against the wall. He tastes like heaven mixed with the saltiness of our tears, the sadness now turning into lust and definitely something _more_. Our bodies move together seamlessly as if they were meant to be this way always, glide against one another in perfect harmony, meld to one another as our lips and fingers guide us.  Fate brought us together, challenged us, forced us to work for this moment of passion, to bring forth such a bond that can and will never be defeated.

We will never lose.  
My hands are everywhere…in his hair, running over his shoulders, down his arms, across his stomach. I can’t get enough. My fingertips are memorizing his every feature, dip, curve, and crevice. He’s perfection and cute and...mine. _You're mine_. I gently pick him up by his ass and pin him to the wall.

He gently pushes me away though.  
“W-wait.” He says against my lips. I roll my eyes. “I need to say something.”  
“And you said I pick the worst times to have a heart to heart…”  
“Harry, I love you.” I nearly lose my grip at the admission, nearly topple over because I wasn't expecting...that. I stare at his face in bewilderment, attempt to find the lies. But it's not there. It doesn't...exist.  
“You…l-love me?” He wraps his legs and arms around me.  
“I do.” He's serious. “The red roses were meant to be a hint but I feared they scared you away. That maybe I was going too fast…maybe you just wanted to mess around.” I shake my head.

“No…God no. I was just…I didn’t know what was happening anymore.” He is silent and I am still paralyzed, frozen in time from those three beautiful words, completely transfixed on this person. “What?”  
“Well, usually when one says I love you…they want to hear it back? Or am I just talking out of my ass or something?”

“I love you. So much…so much it hurts.” I kiss him, feel his frenzied lips against my own. “So much it consumes me.” I do it again. “I love you beyond words.” A third time. “I love you and everything you are.” Okay a fourth. “I love you...I love you! I love you…I love you…I love you!” I tighten my hold, kiss him once more.  
“That sounds beautiful rolling off your tongue.” I conjoin our mouths, suck feverishly at his mouth, hold him impossibly close to my heart, to my heated skin, to my being. _I cannot let you go._

Not now.

Not _ever_ . I want him here with me for the rest of my life.  
I’ve always wondered what true love really felt like. What the fuss was about? How could it make someone physically and mentally ill over it? How a simple feeling as powerful as this could drive you to do something irrational and spontaneous?  
I was idiotic supposedly.

I never knew such a force existed. My feelings I thought I had towards Nick were not real, not actual love. It was something else entirely…something fake, artificial, conjured by my imagination of what I thought love was. It still leaves a bitterness on my tongue but soon it’ll be gone. Soon it will be a distant memory, a life's lesson, a way to grow up.

A way to move on.  
A way to... overcome any challenge.

A way to love him the way he deserves.

I carry him to the bedroom with an idea in mind, with a _plan_ , a plan to get Louis back with while simultaneously blowing his mind.

I release my hold and watch him fall back on his ass.  
"Mmmm just where I want you.” I mutter.  
“What?” Louis eyes me curiously. “In what way?”

“Oh no, no Lou. This is a surprise.” I grip his torso. “Lift your arms.” I order.

“I need-” I silence him with a kiss.

“Nope. Do as your told.”

“But, _Harry_ -”

“Do you trust me?” I ask.

“What? I love you of course I do!”

“Good. Lift your arms.” I smirk and watch him do so with a huff. I pull the shirt free. “Lay down.”

“But I-”

“Lou, lay down!” I push him backwards, grip the waist of his sweats and tug those off as well.

“Grrr!!” He grunts, folds his arms in front of him.

“Shush now.” I rummage through his side table then in search of something _super_ important.

“What are you looking for?” He leans up to see. But I remain silent, keep up my search. “Harry.” He seems impatient. “Hey!”

“I think...I've...Yes!!” I pull the item free and dangle them in front of his face. “Here we are! And... OH!! Yes!!!” I hold up the cuffs and butt plug, the smirk on my face indubitably devilish. I watch Louis’ face fall, see his cheeks lose their coloring.

“Um…” He shivers. “Both?” His voice squeaks. “I...I don't-”

“Oh yeah. This is my surprise now, _Lou,_ so get those hands above your head.

“But, Harry, the last time you had a plug shoved up your ass you couldn't think straight, how on Earth do you plan on being in control with-”

“Oh, silly boy.” I wink. “You're in for a _ride_.” He shifts uncontrollably on the mattress.

“I am?” I take his arms, click the cuffs securely around wrists.

“Oh...yes. I have no doubt.” I kiss his lips and hook his hands to the headboard.

“Oh fuck.” He wiggles his arms. “You didn't give me much room.”

“Good.” I smirk. “Now shush and spread those legs.” I take the lube out next, squeeze some onto my fingers. “Alright so-” I look to him and he's stock still, petrified, sweating profusely. “What's wrong?” I run my finger down his abdomen in an enticing manner, attempt to get a rise out of him.

“N-nothing.” He shakes his head, twists his abdomen.

“Are you sure?” I sit between his legs, continue to move my finger towards his cock. “You look a little on edge...not so confident with your hands bound, huh?”

“Um...uh…” He shakes his head. “What?”

“You wanted this remember?” I reach the base of his cock.

“I... you're...that…” He scrunches his eyes closed, pulls his hands, rattles the cuffs against the metal of the headboard. “I did.” I trail further south, reach his thighs.

“Then what's wrong?” I poke my finger between his ass cheeks without warning.

“Ah! Oh...okay...Kay...I...fuck.” His hips are dancing then.

“But it's just _one_ finger, Lou.” I pump my hand, watch his facial expressions. He can't contain _anything._

“It's... there is….I'm…” He thrusts his hips. “H-hot.” His hair is stuck to his forehead, his glasses sitting crooked on his nose.

“This is... making you hot?” I ask, my voice sultry.

“You...are. That _hand._ ”

“Oh you mean _this_ one?” I add a second finger, watch him push against the intrusion, feel him clench his lower region.

“F-fuck.” He's breathing heavy, fighting against the bindings. I scoot closer, move his legs further apart to give myself easier access. “My God.” He chokes.

“Do you like that?” I thrust my hips forward, poke my fingers in, hear his breath hitch as I do so. “You do?” I grip his torso, snap my legs in sync with my hand, move in one fluid motion.

“Fuck...fuck...fuck!!” He shouts. “Shit...shit I-” I scissor my fingers, widen him a little further, hear the whimpers crossing his lips. _Is he losing it_!? “Harry!!” His legs are flexing, his own hips dancing beneath me.

“Yes?” I remain calm, hide my own excitement that is rubbing painfully against my jeans and the surge of euphoria pulsing below my skin. I want to fuck into him, forget the butt plug all together, just...connect with him on that level I've missed...feel him come undone. But I can't. I have to do this.

“Just...come... _on_!!” He grunts in obvious frustration.

“Mmmm…. _come_ on? Why Louis, I believe it's your turn, no?” I pulse my fingers, move them steadily with his breathing, insert the third digit unexpectedly.

“Ah!!!” His hips propel forward, his arms fighting with the cuffs. “Shit….!!!” He's biting his lips, rolling his head side to side, struggling from the pleasure I'm sure.

“Feel...nice?” I ask with an air of nonchalance, continue to maintain my composure. _But fuck he looks... incredible_. I remove his glasses.

“Yuh... uh….yuh.” He nods his head furiously.

“Open your eyes?” I request nicely as my hand moves.

“W-what… why?”

“Open them.” I demand, drive my hand in further, hear him squeal.

“H-how...how can...I can't…” He's falling apart before me, succumbing to me, losing his fight. _Mine._

“That good?” I move my hand deeper, press his leg down into the mattress. He nods a few times. “Mmm...I see...not good enough?” I grip his shaft then.

“W-wow...what...fuck!!” He writhes below me, shakes from head to toe, rattles the bedframe.

“That's what I thought.” I nod with satisfaction.

“How are...how is…” I pump my hand wrapped around his shaft, thrust my fingers shoved into his ass. “I can't...this is…” I find the green plug waiting for me, beckoning to me to be used... waiting impatiently to be shoved into his ass. _He's going to murder me I think_. “Harry!!!” He stirs me from my thoughts.

“Hmmm?” I look to his face and his eyes are clamped shut.

“I'm ready...I want...what are-”

“Oh! I like the sound of that.” I withdraw my hand, remove my fingers, savor in the way my partner moans with the loss of pleasure. I lube up the plug then.

“I need you.” He begs. “Why...why are you taking so long?”

“Louis, I need your full attention.” I announce as I reposition his legs, move his feet so they're flat against the mattress.

“Huh?” He cracks an eye open, finds me holding the plug. “You didn't...you need to...where is that going?” He shivers. “Harry-”

“Do you trust me?” My eyes never waver from his.

“I…” He gulps. “Are you...is that…” I can see the shock cross his features. “Oh fuck.” His head drops into the pillows.

“Oh yes.” I smirk and lean over him, rest my arm next to his head. “Just...relax okay? Imagine it's me.”

“H-Harry?” I kiss his sweated cheek.

“Yes?”

“You're a fuckin beast.” He snorts, turns his face towards me, puckers his lips. “Kiss me while you do it.”

“Absolutely.” I connect our mouths and slip the plug right in without hesitation. He pulls at my mouth, struggles some more with his arms, willingly accepts the foreign object.

“Shit...shit... _shit_!!” He shimmies his bottom, moans aloud at the weighted sensation.

“Mmmm I know.” I kiss him again and sit between his legs again. “How do you feel?” I check in.

“I…” He looks to me. “Fuckin incredible.”

“You'll feel just a touch better real soon.”

“Better? Are you...are you going to ride me?” He asks expectantly. But I shake my head no. “Oh...then what  are you doing?”

“Shh….” I dip my head, kiss the tip of his shaft, and take him all the way to the hilt.

“Holy shit!! How!? What...what!?” He thrusts his hips up, chokes me with his erection, shoves himself further into my mouth. “You're...a fucking _animal_.” I take that as a compliment and move my hands towards his ass. “What...what are you-” I squeeze his ass cheeks together as I take him in, pull ferociously at him, ensure he feels every spike of pleasure I am inflicting on him. “Ah!! Harry!!!” I am enjoying this too much, the sounds, the way his breath hitches in his throat. He isn't even making sense! “I'll...I can't...I won't...cum...I need to go...go now!” But I cease my movements, my tongue, my hands, lips, everything. “...what the fuck!!!” He growls.

“ _Not yet_.” I say and start up my movements again.

I hollow my cheeks then, take him further than I thought possible, allow him to slide into my throat, ignore the choking and sudden need to gag because fuck I can't stop now. My hands are massaging his rear, cupping him gently, forcing a multitude of sensations through his small frame. And he's lying there panting, crying out my name, clamping his knees in an attempt to stave off some of the ecstacy I am inflicting upon him. _It's too much probably….he's probably afraid to cum_.

“F-fuck...fuck... _fuck_ !!!” He pants into the air. “You're... playing d-dirty.” He moans. “You….you are-” I grip his ass, poke a finger in to heighten his experience, bare my teeth to graze his throbbing cock and let loose. He's whining into the small space between us, pulling at the cuffs, thrusting his hips forward as I continue to blow him. He won't last this time, there's no doubt in my mind. I've got him... he'll cum for sure. _And I'll allow him_ . “Harry!!!” He shouts my name, gives me purpose, gives me strength, gives me the will to take him further until my lips reach the hilt of his cock. It's burning like crazy, choking me half to death, making tears form in my eyes. But I don't care. His climax, his pleasure, his fucking needs _are first_ . He always comes first. _Literally_. I squeeze my fingers, bare my teeth again and pull, suck, dive right in...feel him shutter below, hear his breathing coming out in quick puffs, feel his torso struggle to take a deep breath. “H-Harry!!!” He says my name again and releases down my throat, comes completely undone before me, strips himself raw...and collapses into the mattress. “W-wow...wow...holy fuck.” I release him and hastily swipe at my mouth.

“I won.” I cough, clear my throat. “I _won_.” I say again with bravado. “And now-”

“And now, what!?” I look to Louis’ sweated face and fringe. _He's drenched_.

“Well, Louis my love, I have a bit of a situation.” I gesture towards my crotch, towards the _bulge_ begging to be released. “He wants to come out and play now.” His eyes widen.

“Oh.” He falls back into the pillows. “Damn.”

“Damn? I thought you'd be excited.” I stand up to shed my jeans.

“I am excited. I am...it's just…” He licks his lips. “That's three objects shoved up my ass in a matter of minutes. That's...a record I believe.”

“Well there may be a fourth.” He blanches. “So I guess you'll have to just wait it out.”

“F-fourth?!” He pulls at his arms. “My _God_ I'll be waddling for days.”

“Mmmm…” I crawl back into bed and lay beside him.

“What are you-”

“Shhh...turn over.”

“How?” I roll his hip, reveal his incredibly plump ass.  “Oh.” He chokes. “T-take it out please?”

“Sure.” I slink my arm between the bed and his small torso. “Relax please.” I place my hand at his rear and gently remove the plug.

“Fuck. That _hurt_.” He confirms.

“It did?” I frown. “I didn't mean-”

“It was a delicious hurt.” He turns his face, finds my eyes. “I loved it.” And my heart jumps in my chest.

“Good.” I smirk and reach for the lube. “Lou, are you okay?” I ask again just in case.

“Mmhmm.”

“How are you hands?” I inspect them and he seems to be...semi comfortable.

“They're okay. I wish to touch you but I will after.”

“Yes you will and for a long time too.” I squeeze the liquid onto my fingers and work myself. “Oh!!” I wince at the pleasure.

“What?” He asks nervously.

“I'm horny.” I snort. “Oops.” I kiss between his shoulder blades. “Now if I hurt you-”

“Just fuck into me already!” His eyes are bright, his lips chewed up.

“You may regret that.” I kiss him. “Now face forward.”

“But I want to watch your face.”

“Nope.” I kiss him again, nudge him with my cock. “Turn around or I'll jerk myself off instead.” I threaten.

“Beast!! You're a beast!”

“No, I'm here to make you feel incredible. Now do as your told you petulant man you.”

“ _Fine_!!” He turns away.

“Thank you.” I poke his ass cheek, find his entrance, prepare my brain for what's to come, the awaiting pleasure my body will he succumbed to, the jolts of ecstacy. It'll be a difficult feat to not explode all over him the second I slide myself in.

“God...fuck me!!!”

“You are such a horny man!! Calm down!” I kiss him again on the back and slide my way in.

“Y-yes...yes...yes fuck! Please!!” I grip his torso close, slip into him, feel his walls enclosing around me with every inch I take. He’s snug, he's perfect, he's... calling out to me, begging, crying? Is he crying!?

“What's wrong!?” I grip his cheek, turn his face, find the tears in his eyes and on his cheeks.

“N-nothing!” He faces forward, pushes back into me, moans out his pleasure.

“B-but...why-”

“Just love me right now?” His voice is pleading, unrecognizable, filled with need.

“Yes...yes of course.” I reach the base then, wrap my other arm around him. “I'm going to love you.” I start as I pull out. “For as long as you'll…” I rest my head against a pillow, and literally plow into him in one swift stroke. “Have me.” I finish as the room fills with his cries.

I make my move then, pump myself into him, use my arms and legs to make each hit deeper and _deeper_ than it was before. I want him to feel this afterwards, feel me tonight when he sleeps, remember me when he sits down in his office chair. I want him to _never forget_ where I've been, what he means to me, how much of a difference he's made in my life, how much I love him. _Because that's boundless_. My love for him will never cease, will be my driving force, my reason, the very beat of my heart...him. He owns me.

_Mine._

_His._

_I'm his._

“Y-yes...yes...I'm fuckin...I'm ready to…” He chokes. “God you're…” I slam into him over and over, slide out painfully slow then snap my hips forward, plunge into him until he's filled to the brim... completely consumed with my warmth.

“F-feel me.” I whine as the burning in my gut comes to life. “ _Louis_!” I rest my head in the crook of his neck and extended shoulder, feel his sweat against my cheek, hear his labored breathing.

“I'm...I…” He rattles the cuffs, pushes his rear into me as I push forward, fights my forward motion. “I'm so...fuckin hard again.”

“ _Good_!!” I shout and continue with my thrusts. “Go! Cum for me.” I kiss the back of his neck, gently tap my lips to his heated skin, feel him shiver from the tenderness.

“G-God!!!” He wails, struggles against my hold, nearly convulses from head to toe as he releases once again. “H-how...how!?” He relaxes instantly in my hold, becomes limp.

“That good?” I gently pull out.

“W-where...are…?” He finds my face, seems anxious.

“I want you to touch me.” I swipe at his fringe first then reach for the cuffs and pull him free.

“Oh.” He rubs at his wrists the moment he is able to. “That was fun.”

“Mmm...now spread em.” I turn him onto his back. “Okay?” He nods. “Good.” I slide into him one last time, watch his face scrunch at the intrusion, find my own orgasm hanging on by mere threads.

“I'll...I'll be struggling t-tomorrow.” He stutters.

“Good, you'll be reminded of me.” I rest my arms next to his head and kiss him, latch onto his lips, savor in the feel of his fingers gliding up and down my back. He feels too good, too good to be true, too good for me. _Too good for reality_ . He's so gentle, so kind, such a sweet soul, and he's mine. He loves me. He found me, pulled me out, revived my heart. And I owe this all to him...every moment, every kiss and hug, every breath in my lungs. _You Louis. This is all for you._

I allow the flurrying in my abdomen take control, allow myself to finally find my release...my own climax and it'll be powerful for sure. I can feel it in my core, feel the burning giving way, feel my pleasure pulsing through my veins. It's pumping through my heart... making it's way to my cock, blinding me, forcing these words to spill from my mouth…making me weak... _for you. I'm so incredibly weak for you._

“I love you.” I cry out. “Louis... Louis please!” I say into his face.

“I love you too.” He cups my cheeks, kisses me, reassures me. “I love you...so much.” I feel tears in my eyes, feel my orgasm surge it's way through. It's everywhere.

“P-please... don't... don't leave me?” I release a sob.

“Never. Never. I cannot even fathom...my life without you.” He kisses me again, wraps his legs around my torso. “Let go, H. Let the doubt go.”

“I...just…” My hips are moving, my heart is bursting, my eyes shedding an inexorable amount of tears. I kiss him back as my body gives into my desires, as I collide into the man beneath me...as I release into him...and it's all I can think about and feel. “Ah...f-fuck... _fuck_ !!” I lay flush against him and wrap my arms around his neck.  
.

.

.

.  
“What do I say in my sleep?” I ask once we're in bed.  
“Goodnight.” Louis turns over.  
“What?! No way. I’ll tickle you if you don’t tell me.” He groans.  
“Ugh…” He faces me. “Well, most nights you would just say my name.”  
“Like how?” I push.  
“As if we were having a conversation.” He shrugs.  
“That's boring.” I deflate.

“Well one night you were whining my name, I mean like…” He touches my cheek. “Screaming out to me as if I had you sprawled out on your back.” He chuckles. “You were really passionate.”  
“I was?” I feel my cheeks redden.

“Mmm...but then there were other nights...other nights that were...grave.” He runs a finger along my bottom lip.

“Yeah?” I watch his eyes.  
“Yeah. You would be hysterical, crying, sobbing my name.” He looks away. “It was difficult to witness because you were struggling and I didn't know how to help.”  
“I don't...I think I needed to figure it out on my own.”

“I've come to realize that now.” He looks to me again. “The first night you stayed here you _did_ talk about sucking me off.”  
“I…What?!”  
“Yeah. You were lying on the couch and just talking normally. At first I thought you were awake! That’s why I got up.”  
“Oh my God…” I am mortified!!  
“It wasn’t that bad. I mean I got a good boner out of it which you didn’t take care of…but whatever.”  
“You’re lying to me.”  
“I’m not, H. You said specifically ‘Lou, I want to suck your cock’ as clear as day.” I cover my face with my hands. “Oh! Stop who cares now.”  
“It’s just SO embarrassing!!!”  
“But did you?”  
“Did I what!”  
“Want my cock in your mouth?”  
“I wanted to fuck you never mind suck you off.”  
“I see…”  
“But you went ahead and got completely wasted.”  
“It was worth it though right?”  
“Um…yes. Now that I look back on it, it was a blessing in disguise. You were not some random guy. You were special.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Yes. You taught me patience...taught me...a lot of things Lou and love is one of them.” I kiss his lips. “I couldn't have done it without you.”

.

.

.

.

“What was the fourth object?” Louis asks the next morning.

“My tongue. But I was too tired.”

“Oh...well...you can... you know... anytime-”

“Bend over.”

.

.

.

.

“Why did you cry? Did I hurt you?” I ask him.

“I...was…” He turns away. “When you're in Seattle I'll be alone, H. And...you were holding me close, protecting me, loving me and...and we can't do that every night?” I wrap my arms around him.

“We'll figure it out, okay? We will.” I kiss his hair. “Our love will find a way.”


	16. You should be here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What's…” I look over and see the black streak across the sky, the ominous cloud obstructing lower Manhattan, the... smudge of darkness consuming the city. “That’s-” I point my finger towards the moving mass unable to comprehend what I am witnessing, find my brain is still a little fuzzy from Louis’ outburst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay folks, so here it is.  
> Please, read with caution. 
> 
> All events discussed in this chapter are real. So if this bothers you in anyway, DO NOT READ.  
> I will recap in the following chapter's notes.
> 
> Thanks!

Zayn and Liam left for Seattle yesterday.

And I'm on Niall's roof smoking as much as I am able until my flight in two days. Not a bad trade off.  
“Ah! Another special blend o’ mine.” Niall hands me a joint. “Enjoy, my noble friend.”  
“Ohhh man…” I tentatively put the spliff to my lips and inhale, instantly feel the burn hitting the back of my throat and smoke filling my lungs. “Fuuuck that’s strong.” I cough, clutch at my chest. “Shit! I'll be feeling that in the morning.”  
“That’s the point!” Niall claps my back. “Here, try some.” He gives one to Louis.  
“No thank you.” He declines.  
“I will!!” Ed snatches it and takes a hit. “WOW!” He takes the joint and situates himself against the wall. “Incredible, Niall. Really.”  
“Come on, Lou. Just a little bit.” I nudge him. “Pleeeease?” I pout. “By 5 o'clock tomorrow, you'll be a free man for a week! Just take a hit!”  
“I may have to work a little past 5 actually…but my answer stands.” He pushes his glasses up his nose, flicks his head. My little nerd. “It's not a good idea.”  
“It’s a wonderful idea. Just _do_ it!” I put the joint to his mouth, ignore his protests. “ _Smoke_ .” I stick the joint in between his lips when he shakes his head. “ _Inhale_.” He takes hold of my wrist and gently breathes in. “Good! That's good!” I applaud. “Nice-” He begins to cough uncontrollably, sputters into his hands.  
“What the fuck! That’s awful!” He clears his throat, rubs at his eyes.  
“Not so tough I guess.” Barbara says from next to Niall. Louis eyes her with malice, takes the joint from my hand, and takes another hit, followed by another…and practically finishes it!  
“OKAY!! Woah!!” I pull it from his lips. “Holy shit.”  
“You’re going to be fucked uuuuup.” Ed comments.  
“Let’s light another!” Niall announces.

“Good I'll take it.” I raise my hand. "Here. You might as well finish it." I give Lou the half smoked blunt. “Okay, so cheers?” I say. “I mean there are no drinks here…but why not.”  
“Yeah, man. Good luck with the new digs and your job! Sure you’ll kick ass!” Niall says.  
“I don’t want to kick ass but I’d like to make some money.” I correct him. “I am not a violent person.”  
“Yeah, okay. Whatever helps you sleep at night.” Ed says from his place a few feet away. “You’ve never seen yourself hungry. You’re a beast!”  
“I AM NOT!!” I defend myself. “Right, Lou? I don’t get mean when I’m hungry.” Louis is working in slow motion it seems. “Lou?” I poke him.  
“Huh?” His glasses are hanging off his nose, his hair is in his eyes. “This is um…” He looks a little disheveled.  
“Good? Do you like it?” I whisper in his ear, caress his cheek.  
“A little? My throat is scratchy.” He touches his neck. _My neck_ . I lick at my lips, continue to stare. “Why are you looking at me like that?” He takes another hit.  
“Like…what?” I start to lean into him having this sudden urge to kiss him, lick his skin, maybe fuck him in the bathroom. _Anything_ to stave off this hunger in the pit of my stomach. I lick my lips, pucker them the moment I make contact-  
“Get a room!!” I snap out of my trance at the sound of Barbara’s voice.

"Okay.” I shrug and pull Louis up. “Come with me.”

“W-what?” He trails behind me. “Where are…”

“Don't make too much noise!!” Niall yells.

“We won't!!” I say back and bring Louis downstairs for a quicky.

.

.

.  
.  
I wake up on Niall's couch to the sun shining into the living room. Its a bright morning and too fuckin early to be awake so I'm about to roll over when I feel Louis smashed against my back. _Oh shit_ he has work. I roll over.  
“Lou, my darling. Wake up.” I kiss his cheek. “Lou? You have work.”  
“Ugh…huh? What time is it?” He opens his eyes. “Hi.” He smiles and my heart flutters.  
“Hi.” I smirk as I stare into his beautiful irises. “Sleep well?” I run my fingers through his fringe.  
“After the incredible sex we had? Yup.” He sits up, rubs his eyes. “What time is it?” I find the analog clock sitting on the counter and nearly choke.  
“Um…” I've lost my voice so it seems.  
“Harry. What time is it?” He jumps off the couch. “Holy fuck!!! 8:05?! Harry I have a fuckin meeting today!” He starts to fumble around for his bag, runs around the room in a frenzy. “It starts at 8:30!! I will never make it!” He shouts and the color from my face drains, my blood runs cold, my body goes numb.  
“I’m-”  
“No! No, no, no!!! I said I didn’t want to get high!! But you fuckin insisted, forced the damn blunt down my throat! Don’t you understand I have a meeting today…an _important_ meeting with the CEO and other regional directors!? Or is it more entertaining when I make a fool of myself in front of your friends while simultaneously jeopardizing my career!? God Harry! What the fuck is wrong with you!?” He runs to the bathroom and proceeds to slam the door closed. And I simply sit there on the couch with my mouth open and heart pounding in my chest. He was rough, he was curt, he was... absolutely correct and I am a waste.

Niall comes in then.

“What the...what was that?” He’s just always too cheery. “He’s P-Oed, man!” He joins me on the couch, scratches at his head.  
“We forgot to set his alarm.” I put my head in my hands. “It’s my fault.” I feel my eyes well up.  
“Nah, man. Not your fault. If the meeting was that important he would have set it before the night began.” Niall reassures me. Barbara is soon awake as well.  
“Hi, boys.” She waves. There is a loud thud in the bathroom followed by a “ _FUCK_!” “That’ll be your fault too I assume?” She asks. I begin to cry these implacable tears, feel my body breakdown as the truth weighs heavily on my shoulders because of course it's my fault. All of this is my fault. “Uhhh…who wants some orange juice?” She asks and heads to the kitchen.

Louis is done in the bathroom 10 minutes later. He doesn’t speak or acknowledge any of us, just shoves his shit into his backpack and runs out the door. I didn’t even get a goodbye kiss, a wave, a smile... nothing. I breakdown again into my hands once more.  
“Hey now. Don’t cry!” Niall says from next to me.  
“I…I just wanted him to relax a little, you know? He’s always so uptight.” I swipe at my eyes and nose.  
“Whaaaat happened?” Ed sits up revealing his rumpled hair and glassy eyes. He rubs at his face.  
“Louis overslept and in turn blamed Harry and rushed out of here in a huff.” Barbara recaps in a nutshell.  
“Gotcha. Why can’t he just go late? Is it that big of a deal?”  
“He has a fuckin _board meeting. Can’t be late_ .” I mock him. “God he can be such a douche sometimes.”  
“Let it out. Let it out.” Niall is always so encouraging…really.  
“I’m gonna go on the roof for a while and get some of my painting done.” Barbara says. She picks up a series of paint stained boxes and a few blank canvases.  
“Alright see you later.” Niall waves her off as she ascends the stairs.  
“She paints?” Ed questions as he gathers his belongings.  
“Yeah, she’s actually really good. Sold some stuff recently.” Niall is sipping from a rather large cup of orange juice.  
“That’s awesome. Does she make a good living?” Ed is nearly ready to leave, has his backpack on his shoulder.  
“Yup!!! That’s where the weed came from last night!”  
“Oh…well here is a little something for it. I feel bad.” He drops a hundred dollar bill on the coffee table. “Harry. I will see you in a month. And stop your crying.” He pats my head. "Alright?"  
  
“Mmm...I’ll see you.” My voice is melancholy, saddened, so...angered.  
“Bye Niall. See you soon.”  
“Yeah, man!”  
And soon it's just Niall and I sitting on the couch sharing a box of Cap’n Crunch cereal.

“I wish he could let loose once in a while.” I say.

“Hes a big shot, my friend. He has to impress his boss.”

“Well...he has to impress me, no?”

"Yes but that's his livelihood, his source of income, his way of inadvertently impressing you."

"Huh?" I look to him.

"Oh yes, my curly haired friend. He wants to-" Barbara screams from the roof, brings us both back into the moment, scares us with her shriek. “What!?” We both make our way up without hesitation. “What’s wrong Barb?” Niall asks as I take in her appearance. She is incredibly pale, the color completely drained from her usually warm features, eyes red from unshed tears. She is pointing towards the city in shock

“What's…” I look over and see the black streak across the sky, the ominous cloud obstructing lower Manhattan, the... smudge of darkness consuming the city. “That’s-” I point my finger towards the moving mass unable to comprehend what I am witnessing, find my brain is still a little fuzzy from Louis’ outburst.  
“I saw it!!! My god I saw it. There was a plane…it was flying really low…too low…it’s…it’s a clear day!!! How could they…what happened?!” She is hysterical, crying into Niall’s shoulder. I am barely registering what is happening. The building was struck…hit by a plane?  
“That’s…wait…” I look at the building that's spewing the smoke, find my brain spinning in circles unable to fathom what this could mean? “…that’s where...but wait wait a second.” I rub at my eyes, find the clarity standing right before me because that's... that's the… “H-holy fuck...oh my God…No…no!” My body gives out, my legs buckle, I nearly topple over the side of the building as the pain in my abdomen screams angrily between my ears. “Louis!!!!” I scream out through the sobs. “L-Louis... it's...him it was-” I sob into my hand, feel my throat closing.

“What?!” Barbara asks. I look up again at the smoke and unmistakable flames, the devistation that is unraveling before me.  
“Lou, oh my God, no this isn’t happening!!!” I am tugging my hair as I fall to my knees, feel the tears streaming down my face, find my vision has since blurred from shock. “No…no…no…no…” I feel hands on my shoulders and a slight tug as I fall into the small woman. “My l-love is in there!! That’s his building!!!” I’m screaming. “He’s in there!!! I have to go to him and save him!!!” I am pushing against her but she is holding me still.  
“No, Harry! No stop. It may have been the other tower. We don’t know!!! I’m sure the Fire department is there!” She is rubbing my back.  
“But you don’t understand! I love him and he might be…” I sob harder into her shoulder at the possible reality. The plane crashed into one of the buildings…but where? What floors?  
“I do understand but maybe the plane hit the tower he doesn’t work in!”  
“It’s all over the news!” Niall says from behind us. I look to him with a tear stained face. “Oh man, what’s wrong?”  
  
“Louis works in the World Trade Center. But we are certain the plane hit the _other_ tower.” Barbara tries to reassure me. “Right?”  
“…The plane hit the North tower.” Niall is quiet. “Is that the same one?” I start to shake, the sobs relentless as they wrack my body. I am yanking my hair to distract me from the pain in my heart where Louis resides and will forever be. I can’t think clearly, speak coherently, feel anything. I am numb. The only sounds I hear are my screams for my love to come home to me, hold me, tell me he is alright.  
“Did you guys see that?!” Is that…Ed? “HARRY!!” He runs over and takes me into his grasp. I wrap my arms around his neck never wanting to let go, feel my tears soaking into his shirt. “ What the fuck is going on? They shut the subway down, stopped all foot traffic going into the city. I cant even get to my apartment.”  
“I saw it…the plane…” Barbara mumbles.  
“This is serious...every channel on the television is broadcasting it.” I need to get to him. I need to save him. “Where are you going?” I hear Ed in the distance but I don’t care, I need to go to Louis. I’ll scale the fucking building if I have to. I need to find him. “Stop it!! They shut down the subway system!”  
“Then I’ll fuckin walk!!!!” I am back in the apartment searching for my sneakers as everyone follows me down. I ignore their pleas and words of encouragement that he was late or he got out, and is a resourceful guy. But I don’t care, I have to hold Louis, protect him at all costs, tell him I love him. “He didn’t even kiss me goodbye!! He left angry, he left being angry at _me_ !! How do I live with that? His last thought of me was _fuck off Harry_ !?”  
“Don’t say that!” It’s Ed. He takes the shoe from my hand, drops it down on the ground, and pushes me to the sofa. “Sit down and listen to me.” His tone is serious. “You going downtown will not help…you’ll only be putting yourself in danger. He was running late, he most likely didn’t reach his floor and he isn’t stupid! He is probably evacuating with all the other _survivors_ .”  
“Guys this is some serious shit!” Niall is inches from the TV. “They’re saying another plane hit…the other tower…” He runs back outside to check? I am just staring at the flames on the screen as they rip through the building like wildfire, the second tower now hit as well. This isn’t…  
“Don’t watch!!!!” Ed covers my eyes.  
“It’s TRUE!!” Niall is back in the apartment looking for Barbara who has since found a place on the floor near the window. She looks dazed.  
“Ed-” I choke on a sob, allow my tears to drip down my face “I love him.” I reach for my best friend, seek out his comfort and strength. The love of my life is missing…possibly dead? Possibly…I don’t know. But he isn’t with me like he was supposed to be, he's out there someplace maybe suffering, crying, cold, alone… “ _God Louis_ .” I choke, grope at my t-shirt.  
“I know you do and he loves you too.” He holds me in a tight embrace as I cry harder.  
“I-I wanted to s-spend my life w-with him. And now I will be alone because no one compares to him. _No one_ !”  
“Nothing is certain, alright? We don’t know anything…just need to be positive.” Ed is rubbing my back.  
“ANOTHER FUCKIN PLANE hit the Pentagon!!!” Niall yells.  
That is my tipping point…I can’t take it any longer. I stand and run to the door, down the steps and into the street towards the park. I can’t be in the confines of the apartment knowing this wasn’t an accident but an act of terror against the US, the lives that were lost senseless. There was already so much death and mutilation in such a short period of time. What could happen next? How else can they hurt us!? _Hurt me? I'm...I'm not well at all._  
“Harry! Stop!” I hear Ed behind me. I reach the park and just stare at the burning towers in the distance. It’s an eerie site…the flames, the imminent death, the destruction, the smell of smoke in the air. I start to feel lightheaded. “Stop doing this. I know you’re upset but you need to think rationally.”  
“You don’t understand anything! My baby is in there!!!” I point again. “My other half, my heart. He’s in there…” My throat is raw from the screaming and crying. I know this will not change anything…but I can’t keep it bottled up. The anger I am feeling is not only for Louis but for those who were not given an opportunity, forced to lose their life, suffer at the hands of heartless beings. It’s atrocious and hitting too close to home.  
“Harry.” Ed is at my side. “Look at me.” I can’t tear my eyes away from the buildings.  
“If he’s gone, Ed…I-I don’t want to be alive either.”  
“Don’t say those things! Louis wouldn’t want that from you…he’d want you to live your life.”  
“No!! He never wanted to lose me…see me go. If anything I should have been there and _not_ him!” He sighs.  
“Please just sit down and stop talking so negatively.” My head is pounding.  
“Hey.” It’s Niall.  
“Where’s Barbara?” Ed asks as he forces me to sit on a bench.  
“Calling her mother. Here is your phone Harry. Maybe you can try and call Louis?” I look up at the blonde and then to the phone. “It’s difficult to get through because the lines are probably flooded but it’s worth a shot.” I take it from his grasp and dial Lou’s number only to hear a busy signal. I shake my head no and put the phone down. “Well, continue to try?”  
“Eventually it’ll have to…” Ed trails off and is silent. I look up to see a tower collapsing, my mind reeling at the site, the billow of dust following, the lives lost, the Manhattan skyline altered forever. “My God…”  
“Harry!”  
I see black blotches obscuring my vision, feel the headache piercing my skull, sense the world around me spinning out of control.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
My head is resting on something soft, familiar, comforting.  
“D-don’t stop.” There are fingers brushing through my curls. My hands are resting gently on my tummy, my body completely relaxed. I feel wonderful. “Mmmm…I had such a nightmare…dreamt you were killed in an accident…but you’re fine. Just like I knew you would be.” I move my head to get a better angle from the massage. “Lou, you’re not doing it right. Go towards my ears.” The fingers cease their movements. “Why’d you stop?”  
“It’s not a dream.” That’s not Lou. I open my eyes and am met with a feminine face, long brown hair, and a saddened smile. I sit up and take in my surroundings. I’m outside, in the cool September sun, lying in the grass. Under normal circumstances, this would be a beautiful morning but…the site before me is not what it once was….  
Everything rushes back to me…the plane, the smoke, the burst of flames, the lives…  
“LOU!” I try and stand but lose my balance as the pulsing in my head startles me.  
“You need to relax.” It’s Barbara. “Lie back down-”  
“I cannot RELAX!” I yell. “Everyone telling me to relax will not help me _relax_ . Don’t you understand? Lou is NOT HERE!! He is over there somewhere!!!” I gesture to lower Manhattan that is now covered in a cloud of dust. I try and make out the tower but it’s…not there? “Where’d it go?!! My GOD what happened!?”  
“Harry, yes. Both buildings are gone.” Ed speaks up from behind me, his voice solemn. “Fell a few hours ago…” He chokes out.  
“A f-few…a few? How long have I been out?”  
“3 hours.” Barbara says. “We wanted to bring you back inside but figured the fresh air was more beneficial.”  
My chest starts to ache again, the shards from my splintered heart puncturing my insides, killing me slowly. How will I survive? Move on? Grow a love for another human? Be content? It just doesn’t happen twice. I start to cry all over again, feel the same dread consuming me and filling the void, replacing the happiness that I once had, lived for, cherished.  
“Let’s go inside.” I hear Niall. “Come on Harry. Let’s get you cleaned up.” I feel his hand circle my bicep and tug gently.  
I willingly follow him and his sudden sense of calm. I trudge back to the brownstone, the gravel biting the soles of my bare feet. “Cry all you want. You’ll relax when you’re ready.” We head back indoors and sit under the window by the psychedelic posters.  
“I want a green pill thing.” I request.  
“Acid?” Niall questions. “Are you sure? The last time…wasn’t good.”  
“Please.” I beg. “I…I can’t be here right now. I need an escape…even if it’s a temporary fix.”  
“Okay sure.” The blonde agrees without hesitation. He disappears into his bedroom and emerges a moment later with a small plastic zip-lock bag. “Here. Drink up.” He hands me a glass of water. I swallow back the pill and rest my head knowing the side effects will kick in soon. “Good…yeah face the posters. Barbara drew those actually.” He is sitting next to me, cross legged with the cup of water in his hand. “You’ll be okay.” He starts. I am tired of hearing it but Niall has been so quiet I figure I’d listen, give him a chance to speak his mind. “My dad was at the towers during the 93’ bombing you know. Worked in one of the upper floors as well…he left right after that. Spooked him I suppose…I don’t blame him. He was never the same. The idea that someone would want to hurt so many innocent people…That’s why I am self-employed…” His words start to jumble, meld together into a stream of nonsensical words, blending into just noise. It’s weird. One moment he is there, the next he just…disappears, his voice becoming part of the background.  
The picture starts to come to life, the black cannabis plant protruding from the painting in a twist like motion, the colors swirling in a kaleidoscope of greens and blues, a maelstrom of red and orange. I am completely captivated, freed, my heart beating in a steady rhythm once again. I don’t fight the pill as it makes its way through my bloodstream.  
My body is weightless, worries dwindling into nothing, the shroud of darkness that began to consume me now chipping away revealing a bright light. I lean towards it, soaking in its rays, believing everything will be alright. My life will not spiral out of control, be ripped out from under me. I will persevere and be strong for Louis, never let him down, be the person he grew to love. How would he react seeing me like this? Crying and blubbering like an idiot?  
No. I will get through this. Everything I do, every choice I make, will be because of him, for him. He will live on forever in my heart and be very much alive in my memories. His smile, laugh, aura, scent, everything. He is within me…  
I shut my eyes and savor the calm. I’ll be okay.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Our hands are linked.  
We’re walking along the shore as the breeze picks up speed.  
“It’s chilly.” He says.  
“Temperature dropped out of nowhere.” I respond. He grips my hand tighter.  
“I think I felt a rain drop.”  
“Possibly…it is Seattle.”  
“Do you think we’ll ever move back?”  
“I don’t know…maybe we’ll expand further South into California.”  
“Oh I’d like that. San Diego? Or even Napa Valley.”  
“But you hate alcohol. Why would you want to move to a city that is predominantly known for their wine?”  
“It’s still beautiful.” His grip on me is strong. “Or maybe someplace warm in the Midwest?”  
“I have no idea.”  
“But I hate the cold and the rain. It’s dreary.”  
“I know…but this is what you signed up for, remember?”  
“I did…only because you were coming.” His grip is painful now.  
“So then what’s wrong?”  
“I’m just so cold.” My hand is...  
“Hey, there.” I look towards him.  
He’s gone.  
I am walking alone along the boardwalk as the rain starts to pick up. I am drenched within minutes; my hair, clothes, shoes, everything. Not again.  
I look up into the sky and let the rain hit my cheeks, eyelids, and lips the sensation both numbing and calming at the same time.

He’s gone.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
I startle awake and rub my hands down my face looking for the wetness, then my hair, arms, something…ANYTHING!  
“Hey, it’s okay.” Ed is seated next to me and I practically fall into him. “You’re okay…”  
“N-no I’m not.” The room is bright. “I don’t wanna feel anymore.” I sniffle into his chest.  
“Try and sleep?”  
“I can’t…close my eyes. If I do, I see his face.”  
“Then try and think of a happier time, you know? Maybe when we were kids playing whiffle ball or stealing your sister’s shoes so she couldn’t come out and play with us?”  
“Y-yeah…or when we tried to make cupcakes in my mom’s kitchen and I accidentally dropped the flour?”  
“She was soooo angry. It’s a good thing I left early that day.” He is rubbing my back, calming me.  
“You left me hanging…I didn’t care though. We still had fun anyway.”  
“We did. Never forget it.”  
“I never will.”


	17. Come back to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I do a double take when I see a figure standing in the hallway, the sudden rush of wind hitting my face, the faint smell of smoke consuming my nose. I rub at my eyes to get a better view. The figure collapses to their hands and knees with a resounding smack making me recoil once more, the sound both loud and unexpected against the once quiet room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> So yes, this took place during 9/11 (which I am certain most if not all of you have figured out by now). Louis has not returned home after both towers collapsed therefore leaving Harry in a state of depression. It is presumed Louis was killed in the attacks.
> 
> Also, with the recent events that took place in Manchester, I hope no one finds this story offensive in any way. I started to write this back in early March and completed it the beginning of May. I probably should have waited to post it...  
> Anyway, I really appreciate you taking the time to read Not With Haste.
> 
> Enjoy the rest!
> 
>  
> 
> PS - "Not With Haste" is a song by Mumford & Sons from their second album Babel. I highly recommend it :)

It’s dark and I am essentially broken.  
Everyone has gone to bed hours ago, Niall and Barb in the bedroom, Ed and I in the living room. It was a quiet evening filled with the news of the tragedy and timeline of the day’s events and nothing more. It turns out, a fourth commercial jet crashed in Pennsylvania which supposedly was heading to Washington D.C. as a direct attack on the nation’s capital. The passengers overtook the hijacked cockpit diverting the plane from its intended destination and landed it in a deserted field. It was both brave and heartless, the passengers being true heroes, facing their fears and acting on instinct even if it meant losing their lives. They saved many, yet their families lost so much…it hurts to think about honestly.  
During all this and after my acid trip, I decided to sit on the roof to separate myself and mourn on my own, come to terms with what occurred. Ed wanted to be with me but I simply said no stating that it is better this way, better I learn to be by myself and not depend on others. I know who I truly need right now, but that isn’t possible.  
The pill was temporary as I knew it would be, the bright light vanishing into nothing, the positive vibe washing away. I tried calling Louis’ phone with no luck. I thought maybe I’d catch a break. But eventually it stopped ringing…going straight to voicemail, which I of course listened to…every…time…to hear his beautiful voice sing to me, sooth my aching heart. I will replay it as often as I can until the phone service is shut off and then who knows what I’ll do. Maybe I will continue to pay the bill so I never lose it.

But that would just be selfish.  
Zayn managed to get through (somehow…) to tell me to not come to Seattle yet, to avoid flying, to book a new flight for early next week. I practically begged him to let me go anyway but he insisted. Plus, he knew about Lou and his job, where he worked. Zayn obviously wants me to grieve…he didn’t say it outright but I knew his intentions. I must be an open book, so transparent since everyone is able read my emotions with relative ease. I have to build a wall or something to protect myself. But from what, exactly? Another broken heart? People in general? Getting in too deep with someone else and pretend they are as great as Louis? Replace him?  
I gave Ed the couch, knowing sleep will be difficult for me to find and succumb to. The pill is keeping me awake this time which I am disappointed about. The only thing I recall from my last experience is being really happy and high to miserable and tired. There was no in between, no grey area. I feel like I am in limbo, my body unable to decide if it wants to weep in utter despair or sleep knowing tomorrow will be more depressing than today was. It’s a lose-lose situation. Either way I’ll cry and miss the love of my life.

God life is so unfair sometimes.  
I hear the faint sound of footsteps below and remember when Niall told me about the downstairs neighbor who lived in the basement, the man who must work overnights, the man whose never been seen. But why is the sound coming up and not down? Why can I hear him at all? It must be the lack of sleep, my hysteria getting the best of me. Now I’m starting to hear things…great. Through my depression, I started to hear voices. Maybe I’ll start to see dead people too?  
The door creeks open then, the sound coming directly out of a horror movie and makes me flinch. Great, I really am seeing dead people…  
I do a double take when I find a figure standing in the hallway, the sudden rush of wind hitting my face, the faint smell of smoke consuming my nose. I rub at my eyes to get a better view. The figure collapses to their hands and knees with a resounding smack making me recoil once more, the sound both loud and unexpected against the once quiet room.  
I can barely think or breathe as the figure remains motionless. Ghost? Real?  
“What was that?!” Niall bursts into the room in his Pikachu sweatpants and tousled hair. Okay good, he sees it too. He turns towards the doorway. Ed wakes up with a loud huff and can’t seem to move as he too is transfixed on the person. At least I am not losing my mind.  
I sit up and take in the state of the person’s hair covered in white particles, clothes stained with remnants of debris, fingernails imbedded with dirt. But it’s too dark to really make out any details since the chalk-like dust is essentially covering every surface.  
His glasses fall to the floor and I immediately know who I am staring at, the flood of emotions surging through me, the numbness lifting, every thought about losing the love of my life now gone, whisked away. I jump to my feet and run to him needing him in my arms, the desire to feel his heartbeat against my chest so strong I forget we are not alone. I crouch in front of his still form. His breathing is labored and raspy.  
“L-Lou?” I squeak. I reach my hand out and touch his shoulder. He lifts his head slowly revealing a face blank and lifeless, I cannot help but gasp. His blue eyes are a dull grey, cheeks caked with dark soot, lips chapped, hair matted. He is searching my face for something and I don’t understand what. Recognition? My emotions were running amuck all day…it’s hard to focus especially with the remnants of the drug. “Baby?” I see one single solitary tear spill over his bottom eye lid leaving a wet trail through the dirt. I want to believe this is a good sign, that he comprehended my term of endearment for him. “Loui-”  
Before I can finish saying his name, he launches himself at me, wraps his arms around my stomach, crashes his face against my chest, and sobs silently. I fall back onto my butt from the momentum returning the gesture unable to contain my cries. He’s alive and in my arms. _Right where he was meant to be._  
“M-my God you’re here…” I say as I tighten my hold. I fear I may be dreaming, that this is all a lie, that the pill is seeping into my subconscious bringing forth such a fabrication that when I awake, I’ll crumble even deeper into depression. “Louis-” His face is buried in the crook of my neck and shoulder, his weeping more prominent from the slight wheeze in his throat. The others are eerily silent. I almost want them to say something, to ensure this is reality, and that I am not sleeping. I rest my cheek in his dust ridden hair not caring, just feeling, drinking him in. “Hey.” I whisper. His hold becomes stronger, more intense making it difficult to breathe. Not to mention, he is covered in a layer of filth. “Lou-” He squeezes tighter. “I…can’t breathe, Lou. Can I look at you?” I struggle to say. I release my arms but his hold is like a death grip. “Baby, please. I am right here. You’re with me, with us. You’re safe.” He lifts his head and eyes me with trepidation, his state of mind clearly not completely intact. “Good, let me see your eyes.” I wipe his cheek to clear the tears, my fingers leaving prints where the dirt was. I start to wonder exactly what he’s seen, experienced, forced to endure and how he managed to escape. He must have been in the building but close enough to escape seemingly unharmed, physically that is. I will eventually ask him to have a better understanding …or maybe wait for him to tell me. He’ll know when he’s ready to share.  
A light is turned on and Louis literally jumps back into my arms, smooshes his face into my neck, his breathing picking up speed as well as the tears.  
“It’s just the light, silly. Here let’s sit you on the couch.” I want to kiss him all over…  
“H-Harry.” It’s Barbara. I turn towards her voice. “He’s literally covered in ash. Maybe he should get cleaned up. I can’t imagine that being safe to breathe in.” I look back towards my love and can only agree.  
“Hear that, Lou? You need to clean up first, alright?” Why isn’t he speaking? Traumatized…he’ll probably need therapy. I try to stand up but Louis is deadweight in my arms. “I know you’re exhausted but work with me here. You need to change at least.”  
“He can borrow something of mine!” Niall says, his cheerful voice cutting through the gloom.  
“See? Niall has clothes for you.” I run my fingers through his hair and regret it immediately. My hand is caked in the ash and soot. “Alright shower it is.” I try and stand again as Lou finally takes some of the weight back. “Good, baby. Thank you.” I want to hear him speak. Something…say my name? I walk him slowly to the bathroom and shut the door behind us.  
He looks so small and helpless, his body weak, clothes a mess. I literally just want to enclose him in my arms and never let go. I realize how precious life is, how quickly it can end. I could have lost Louis forever and not just from me being stupid but from a force that was out of my control.

Never take anything for granted.  
I sit him down on the toilet and unbutton his shirt. He is simply staring at me, lazily blinking, showing little to no sign of life. His penetrating stare is making me feel so uncomfortable I can barely take his shirt off.  
“Alright, love. Ready to shower?” I touch his cheek again. Nothing.  
I feel tears prickle my eyes but I squash them down. I need to be strong for you, protect you.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
About 30 minutes later, Louis is showered and wearing one of Niall’s ridiculous Sonic the Hedgehog pajama bottoms and a long sleeved t-shirt. He is lying on the couch, I believe sleeping, arms clutching onto a pillow. Getting him clean was nearly impossible. He was afraid of the water and shower curtain…I’m shocked I didn’t wet the entire bathroom.  
“I wonder what happened? What he saw?” Ed asks me. We are standing in the kitchen watching his chest rise up and down. He hasn’t said a word and is barely expressing any emotion.  
“I don’t think that’s the best thing to ask him right now. He’s going to need time…” I can’t tear my eyes away from him. “A lot of time.”  
“I agree. I’m fucked up from witnessing what we saw…I can’t imagine actually living through it.”  
“We’re all a little fucked up I think.”  
Louis starts to stir then, his wheezing becoming more erratic. He starts to kick out his legs like he is trying to swim or knock something out of the way. I hear him struggling to speak, the words getting caught in his throat. I run to his side to comfort him as best I can. His whimpering is out of control and I can’t do a fuckin THING!  
“Shhh, it’s okay.” I gently touch his cheek attempting to sooth him, preventing him from overexerting himself. He starts to struggle under my touch, the movements becoming borderline violent, his eyelids fluttering like he is having a nightmare or reliving something traumatizing...“Lou stop!” I gently place my hands on his quaking shoulders. “It’s okay! Nothing is happening.” I hear Ed approach from behind most likely at a loss, unsure of what to do. “We need to do something!!” I feel my eyes become blurry, the thought of me unable to help him encouraging the tears more. How can I not know what to do? It should be instinct!!  
Louis releases a blood curdling scream, the sound deafening and of absolute terror. It resonates through my body, sending me flying back on my ass by Ed’s feet. He is flailing out of control, his legs kicking out at nothing, arms whipping in front of his face, back arching off the couch, the screams coming out in bursts. I do not even know how to subdue him so I start to cry more (because this solves everything).  
“P-please Lou, wake up. It’s okay!!” I try and touch him again, hold him, but Ed pulls me away, allowing him to work through whatever this is. I hear the bedroom door open.  
“Shit…I thought the brownstone was falling down.” Niall accidentally says as he rubs his face. I want to lash out at him, tell him to not say things like that but getting angry with him would not help. Louis is struggling and there is nothing in my power to stop him.  
I fight against Ed’s hold trying to get to him.  
“No! What if he hits you?!” I struggle more and eventually break free.  
“Don’t care.” I crawl over to Lou as he continues to thrash about. Words are forming on his lips but I can’t make it out with his head moving side to side, his whimpering overpowering everything. I just need to touch him.  
“Ha…r….ry!” He starts to tug on his hair, the fringe still a little damp from the shower. “Harry…HARRY! Where are you?!” He screams. Beads of sweat are forming on Lou’s forehead, his cheeks bright red, his legs still moving about. “I n-need you!”  
“I’m right here! My god I am right here!” I am by his side, on my knees, pleading like a fool begging him to acknowledge my presence, know I am here with him, suffering alongside him. “Open your eyes!!! Please…” I’ve lost it. I thought I lost it earlier, but I’ve seriously gone off the deep end and am sinking right to the bottom. I am watching Louis crumble in front of me as he falls deeper into his nightmare completely unaware of any of us standing here. He continues to cry out my name asking where I am and stating endlessly how he needs me. “He…he needs to feel me or or…see me. Fuck…I don’t know!!” I bury my face in the couch cushion by his side letting out a cry.  
“Maybe subdue him?” Niall says from behind Ed.  
“How?” I did not intend on snapping but I am beyond frustrated. This was not supposed to happen!!  
“He’s a small dude. Here-” I see the blonde in my periphery walking towards Lou’s flailing legs. “I’ll take his ankles and Ed take hold of his hands?” I lift my head.  
“Seriously? Hold him down?! He isn’t an animal!”  
“You crying isn’t helping either! Ed do it!” Niall snaps back. I’m almost surprised by his reaction but I deserve that I suppose.  
“Okay sure.” Ed tentatively approaches Louis’ arms. “On a count of three…1…2...3!” Ed and Niall both take hold of Louis’ extremities to keep him relatively still.  
“Y-you know, for such a small dude, he can certainly pack a punch!” Niall puts all his weight on the smaller man’s ankles. “Harry! Come on!” I freeze. Lou looks to be in pain…not physical pain but something more. Maybe he is reliving whatever it was he was subjected to, his subconscious bringing him further into the chaos.  
“Now’s your chance damn it!!!” Ed raises his voice. I look at my love’s face that is contorting in agony as he continues to struggle. “Say something to him!” I hesitate once more and lean over him.  
“I-I don’t know…” I place my hands on his overheated cheeks feeling the mix of tears and sweat underneath my fingertips. I try and think of what to say to him, to bring him back to me, to rouse him from his restless sleep. “L-Lou, open your eyes.” I say. I am inches from him and can feel his heat radiating off of him in waves. “Please, baby. You’re scaring me.” He starts to fight against the three of us with an unknown strength.  
“Jesus Christ!!” Niall yells.  
“Tell him you love him.” Barbara helps her boyfriend keep Lou’s legs anchored. “That may work.” I look over at her then back to the man underneath me. It’s a shot in the dark…  
“Lou, baby. I love you please come home to me?” With my thumb, I rub circles over his cheeks willing him to open his eyes, calm him down, notice me, react to my words. “I love you damn it!! Wake up!!” Why is this so difficult? Is he that deep he can’t find his way out on his own? Will every night be like this? If so, for how long? I hold his face as still as I can and move in closer. I plant a chaste kiss on his lips.  
“Wake up, Louis.” I kiss him again and again. “I need you too. Come home to me. You’re safe.” He doesn’t stop…I’ve lost the battle it seems, all hope gone. Did I lose him forever? Maybe he really is gone…my dream foreshadowing of what’s to come, what our relationship will be.  
“Shit! He almost kicked me!” Niall yells. “He’s getting tired!”  
“Harry, keep trying!” Barbara is putting all of her weight onto Lou’s ankle forcing him to remain still.  
“He’s losing momentum! Maybe he’ll just tire himself out?” Ed asks. He has not stopped saying my name…I almost want to run from the room.  
“I d-don’t…know.” I weep. I grip the fabric of his shirt into a tight fist as anger surges through me replacing the sadness. He is so close to me and this is all I can do? Just cry and beg him to wake up? What kind of person am I? I’m incapable of helping him?  
Suddenly, Louis stops.

Niall and Barb release him first followed by Ed. I can’t let him go, my fingers are unresponsive as they grip his shirt tighter. I am watching intently…waiting…  
“I-I wanna go home.” He chokes out. I continue to stare at him surprised he is even speaking.  
“You are home.” I release the shirt and run a hand through his damp hair.  
“It was s-so dark. So so dark.” He scrunches his eyes closed and moves his now free hands over my own. “Are you real?”  
“I am.” I try my best to keep it together but the water works cannot be stopped. “I am real, you’re not dreaming.” I peer over my shoulder to see where everyone went but the room is empty.  
“Why is it so dark?” His voice is raspy.  
“You’re eyes are closed. Open up.” I move our hands away from his face and sit up wanting to give him space. I am still unsure of how he’ll react.  
“I’m afraid to…What if this is a dream? What if I wake up and you’re not there?!” He covers his face with his arms.  
“I thought you trusted me?”  
“I do.”  
“Look at me.”  
“Can I have your hand?” I place my hand on his tummy and he instantly picks it up, wraps his fingers around mine. “O-okay.” He takes a deep breath and begins opening his eyes. I am a few inches from him remaining as calm as possible. Once opened enough, I note that they’re no longer dull but the shade of blue I have come to know and love.     
He looks my way and practically gasps. I mean, I know I must look like a disgusting mess, hair askew, cheeks tear stained, eyes bloodshot, the works. But under the circumstances…He reaches a hand out to touch my cheek, then my lips.  
“I thought I was never going to see you again. Th-that…I was going to die alone…” I remain silent letting him speak, watching his mouth form the words. “My last thought was of you when I passed out, not even escaping but of your face and smile that brings me life. I could only think of coming home to you.” I swallow back a sob. “It’s what kept me going when I came to, when I realized where I was, what had happened. I-I can’t…” He is becoming visibly upset. “I-I saw s-so much…and it always brought me back to you. I had to be strong and endure whatever was thrown my way knowing you were waiting for me.” There are fresh tears coming from his eyes that I brush away with my fingers. “And I yelled at you and made you feel bad about me getting high and I didn’t give you a kiss good-bye. And…and that’s just all I want right now.”  
“What’s that?” I say through hiccups. “What do you want?” Without another word he sits up, places his hands underneath my jaw and kisses me square on the lips. He moves away and looks into my eyes.  
“You. Always you.” He kisses me. “It’ll always be you.” Another kiss. “I need you.” A third kiss, this one deeper. “I love you.”  
“I love you, too.” I am frozen as I watch him stare into my soul, filling the void with his love, compassion, and affection. His very being gives me life, awakens my heart, and brings forth my happiness, completing me, making me whole. “You have no idea how much.”  
“I do. I do know how much because I feel it too.” He takes my hand and brings it to his chest, right over his heart. “I feel it here. All day, every day.”  
“I thought I lost you." I start. "I thought I was going to have to go through life alone. Start over. Try and find someone as wonderful as you, someone as loving. But that’s just not possible because no one can compete. You’re…it for me. You’re all I want and need.”  
"Let's promise to hold each other and never let go..."  
"Never. I can never let you go."  
“Good...Can you h-hold me now then?” A fresh set of tears are welling in his eyes. “Save me from the nightmare?” He sounds so little…so fragile.  
“Yes.” I sit on the couch and put my arms out. “Ready.” He sits right in my lap, curls himself into a ball, and rests his head over my heart. I wrap my arms around him and sigh.  
“Right there…I can hear your heart beat.” He snuggles up and relaxes. His breathing is evening out and soon I am almost certain he is asleep.  
Niall, Barb, and Ed walk out of the bedroom (I guess that’s where they went?).  
“Hey.” Ed sits next to me.  
“Hi.” I look down at Louis.  
“He asleep?”  
“I think so.” I’m afraid to move.  
“He’s lucky you know.” Barbara says as she takes a seat by the window. “To have you.”  
“He is?” I feel his chest rising and falling.  
“Oh yeah. You’re certainly one of a kind.” She hugs her knees to her chest as Niall sits beside her.  
“I knew you loved him.” My friend adds. “Knew it the entire time.”  
“I guess I was screwed from day one, eh?”  
“Yeah I’d agree. The dude didn’t stand a chance either.” Ed touches my shoulder. “He’s in good hands.”  
“Thanks everyone.” I whisper.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
“Harry, I am not seeing a shrink! I’m fine…this is something I need to get over on my own. Please don’t pester me about it.” He yells at me one morning.  
“But you’re not sleeping! You wake up in the middle of the night, scare me half to death with your screaming and crying. How do you expect either of us to function?”  
“Then I’ll sleep on the couch!!!”  
“That’s not going to help you and you know it! What are you going to do when I leave?”  
“I…I’m…” Louis looks away, hides his sickening pallor, his fear of the inevitable.

“Louis, stop. We’ve discussed what we are doing. What the plan is.”  
“That’s just it. I was only staying for my job.”  
“What are you saying?”  
“I don’t know what the fate of Cantor is and I honestly cannot live here anymore.”  
“But…what are you saying?” Now it’s my turn to feel sick. Leaving Lou was going to be the most difficult decision I have ever made...I already promised my employer I’d go...there is no turning back now.  
“I want to move to Seattle with you.” I nearly collapse. I was not expecting him to move to the west coast. I think back to the random dream I had…he hated the cold. “I have plenty of money saved and I can look for a job the moment we are settled. I promise I won’t be a bum and mooch off of you. I will pay my way….Are you okay?” I realize now my mouth is wide open in shock. “You’re catching flies, honey.” I shake my head.  
“You’d pack up and leave New York?”  
“There is nothing for me here. You were all that was left.” He kisses my cheek.  
“Oh geez…alright. I’ll let Ziam know that you’re coming to stay. Maybe we can get a two bedroom apartment for guests? But we may have to pay more for the larger unit.”  
“I don’t care, as long as I can be with you.”  
“Yeah…” Now it's my turn to look away, to hide my own surprise.  
“Do you not want me to come?” His voice is saddened.  
“W-what?”  
“You seem uncertain.” He whispers.  
“NO! No no no nooooooo. See the thing is, when we first got together, I wanted to move slow, which you are fully aware of, and to get to know you on a personal level and not just jump right into things. But here we are flying across the country to live in another state... _together.”_  
“So you think we’re moving too fast.”  
“I didn’t say that.”  
“But that’s what you’re insinuating.”  He juts his hip out.  
“I am not insinuating anything. You’re putting words in my mouth! And stop with the hip!!!”  
“I merely summarized what you told me in layman’s terms. And what hip?” He sticks it out again. He knows exactly what he is doing…driving me crazy.  
“I spoke in layman’s terms and I will literally hurt you if you move your leg again.”  
“Hurt me, how?” He wiggles his eyebrows.  
“Fuck you so hard you won’t be able to sit for a week?” I say.  
“Okay.” He shrugs. “Sure.”  
“Wait a second, we were having an argument.”  
“We were.” Louis pushes me against the fridge, stands flush against me. “I am having a sense of deja vu…”  
“Lou, I am not kidding.” I want to push him away to prove I am serious, but fuck he just fits too perfectly against me.  
“We can finish the argument later. Right now I want to pick up where we left off that first time you stayed over and cock blocked me.”  
“I was not cock blocking. I needed to not jump into bed with you because that would have turned out bad…very bad.”  
“You cock blocked.”  
“Sure think what you want.” He grazes my arms, pushes himself into my growing bulge. “Shit.”  
“Mmmm?” He latches onto my neck, sucks at my skin, hightens my pleasure with just his tongue. I lean into him involuntarily, find my body respond to his tongue.

He slinks a hand between our bodies, cups me between my legs.

“I think I’ll take you up on that offer.” He squeezes.  
“OH fuck…okay.” I squeak. “Okay...uh...sure.”  
Needless to say…it was a glorious afternoon…  
PS – He couldn’t sit down for a week.  
PPS – Neither could I.  



	18. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The force of the cloud sends Louis flying forward and onto the ground. He hits his head on the pavement and is seeing stars from the impact, the fall setting him back. He manages to stand on his wobbly feet to continue to safety, each step becoming more cumbersome than the last. He's losing energy...Harry, I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> Please note, Louis will be describing the events of 9/11 and what he endured in detail.  
> DO NOT READ if this will be upset you.
> 
> Thank you!

Present Day  


Our flight just landed.  
“Daddy, what’s wrong with Papa?” Claire, our six year old daughter, asks. We sat across from one another, Claire and me on one side, Lou and Jack on the other. “He is sad.” I knew bringing the children along would be a mistake.   
“He’s…not used to flying, sweetheart.” I lie with a smile.   
“No, he’s been like that for at _least_ a week, Daddy.” She insists as she fiddles with the hair on her American Girl doll. Damn she’s good and far too observant for her age.   
“He is anxious to see Grandma and Grandpa.” I decide on.   
“Oh…why is that?” She tugs rather harshly at the doll’s hair, makes me wince at the memory of her pulling at my own. _Ouch!_   
“He hasn't seen them in a long... _long_ time, darling.” I bite my tongue.   
“But why?” Claire stops playing with the doll and looks over to Louis. “PAPA!!”   
“Shh use your inside voice.” I warn.   
“Sorry…” She responds in a whisper. “Papa?” Louis looks over with downcast eyes and a forced smile. He can't hide it. None of it. _He's falling apart_.

“Yes, love?” The pain in his voice makes me ache for him, really.  
“Why are you so sad?” Her voice is angelic, sweet.   
“I hate flying. No need to be alarmed.”   
“But Daddy said you’re scared to see Gramma and Grandpa!” Louis looks to me with a half smirk. I shrug.   
“There is only one time you’re allowed to lie.” He begins.   
“And when is that?” Her sing-song voice fills the space.   
“When it involves your in-laws.” He laughs…actually lets out a chuckle. I can feel my heart flutter in my chest, find his genuine happiness waiting to seep through. _I am hoping he can pull this off…unscathed._   
“What’s an inlaw? Daddy.” She tugs at my button down. “What is Papa talking about?”   
“Nothing…you’ll understand in a few years…make that 30 years.” I respond. “Uh...maybe...60 years.” I correct. “Or never-”   
“I’ll be so OLD!!!” She whines, throws her hands in the air, allows the overpriced doll to topple to the ground.   
“Claire, you must use your inside voice. And pick up Samantha, you do not want her dress to get dirty.”   
“Oh no!!” She bends down to pick up the toy. “I’m so so sooo sorry, Samantha.” I look over at Louis again once I find her preoccupied.   
“Hey.”   
“What’s up?” He exhales.   
“You said you’d keep it together for them.”   
“I know. I’m sorry.” He diverts his gaze.   
“We should have left them home…Claire is starting to notice, Lou.”   
“What about Claire?” She starts to poke me. “Daddy!”   
“Yes, dear.” I turn back around.   
“I want my hair in a bun just like yours.” She runs her tiny fingers through her brown strands in mock disgust.   
“Absolutely. When we’re at the airport Grandma can do it for you.”   
“But Daddy. I want to match _you_ .” She clutches the doll tighter.   
“Oh alright…well, turn around then.”   
We exit the plane with relative ease and make our way towards baggage claim.   
“Where are your parents meeting us?” Louis asks. He’s still holding Jack who is fast asleep.   
“Right at the exit.” I look at him. “You want me to take him?”   
“No. I’ve got it.” Louis turns away with the baby still in his arms.   
“Just let me know when you need a break.”   
“Daddy!!!!” I search for my daughter, momentarily panic when she doesn't appear instantly but she's there in her pink frilly dress... about 50 feet away.

“Fuck.” I snap.  
“I think you need the break, H.” Louis snorts.   
“Claire, get your cute butt over here.” She’s running in the opposite direction of me now. “WAIT!” I shout over the heads of the other travelers standing in my way.   
“Gramma and Grandpa are here!!!” She runs over to my parents who come into view. I trail after her in a huff, feel my anxiety skyrocket.   
“Hello.” I wave to them and immediately turn my attention to Claire. “You cannot do that again.” I keep my tone stern, yet gentle. “There are a lot of mean people who want to take cute little girls like you, okay?”   
“Nooo they wouldn’t!” Her eyes widen.   
“Oh but they would and it will make me very sad. You don't want me to cry right?” She shakes her head.

“Never.” She holds the doll to her chest.

“So don’t run away next time. Always wait for me or Papa.”

“Okay, Daddy.” She nods her head and turns back to mom. “Gramma, LOOK!! I have Samantha!” She holds the doll out for inspection. “Papa bought her for me when I won a gold star in class!”  
“Look at that! She’s beautiful! Is she all ready for her afternoon tea party?” My mom asks.   
“What’s this in your hair?” Robin bumps the bun on my head.   
“Keeps it out of my face.” I feel my cheeks redden as he scrutinizes my hair along with my choice of attire. _White jeans are in...or so I suspect._   
“Then cut it. Isn’t it too long anyway?”   
“No, it looks great just the way it is.” Louis appears on my right. “Hi Robin.” He smirks.   
“Louis. Nice to see you again. It’s been _such_ a long time.”   
“Robin, please.” I beg him. Now is not the time to bring that up.   
“I understand what you went through but you can’t run away from your issues.” _What!!_   
“How I handle my emotions is my business. I will not apologize for my actions.” Louis counters then proceeds to turn away from him. “Harry, please hold Jack. I need a minute.” I take the baby willingly knowing Lou is struggling to keep it together. I knew we should have left the children with Gemma…but he insisted, wanted to keep shit normal, go away as a _family_ .   
“Why did you do that?” I maintain my composure, keep my voice neutral, anything to avoid a confrontation. “He is not having an easy time.” I have to defend him even if I don’t agree…he should have seen a doctor.   
“I understand that.”   
“Do you? Do you really understand what he went through?”   
“The question is, Harry. Do you know what he went through?” Robin takes Jack from my arms and walks back to mom and Claire. I am speechless.

After all these years, I have yet to ask Lou what happened, I assumed he would mention it on the anniversary of the attacks or possibly when he received one of those letters requesting his presence at the memorial services and to view the museum. But each time one came, he threw it out and never brought it up as if it never existed. Louis is fine most of the time, in fact he only falls into this state of depression on and/or around September 11 and being in New York City I suppose too. But I refuse to let him take it out on the children, being cold towards them. It isn’t their fault.  
I search the sea of people surrounding me looking for him but he is nowhere in sight. _Where are you? You were never meant to leave me in a crowded room, remember?_ I search the faces, find my panic choking me, feel my heart burning in my chest. _I'm still the same Lou. I can just...hide it better now_ .   
“Daddy!! We’re over here!!” I am pulled from my fucked up mind and turn back to my family.   
“Hi, sweetie.” I give my mom a quick kiss on the cheek. “Where’s your husband?” I sigh.   
“I don’t kn-” I start.   
“Here!” His arm slinks around my waist and fingers grip the loop on my jeans. “Hey.” He whispers in my ear. I glance over, feel my insides melt as he holds me close.

“Hi.” I still get butterflies.

“Whose ready to go to the American Girl Place?!” Louis says with excitement towards our daughter.  
“MEEEE!!!” Claire yells as she holds the doll above her head with sheer delight. “Gramma and Grandpa are coming with us right!?” She looks between us expectantly.

“Um…” My _husband_ bites at his bottom lip, avoids my eyes because _he forgot to tell her_ . “Well honey...you see-” I twist out of his grasp, feel my blood boil from his forgetfulness and lack of brain cells. _I could kill him_!! “I meant-”

“You see baby.” I kneel beside her. “Papa and I have this meeting you see-” I speak over him but her tears form instantly.  
“What!! Gramma!!!” Her bottom lip begins to tremble, her disappointment evident on her face, her hurt on display. She runs over to mom. “Why are Daddy and Papa not coming!!” She whines.   
“Can we please get out of here before we cause a scene?” Robin, who commandeered my son, is walking away presumably back to the car.

“Yes dear.” Mom takes my daughter's hand. “Come, Claire. Let's not keep Pop-pop waiting.” They head towards the exit leaving the two of us alone.  
“What the _fuck_?” I snap. “I can’t do this alone, damnit!” I stare into his blue irises, find the anguish underneath his well placed façade.

“Harry-” He tries but I ignore his pleas.

“I told you Claire is starting to notice your behavior. So please for the sake of _your children_ , keep your shit together!!” I stomp away towards my parents, slap on my plastic smile and greet them cheerily. “Okay, are you ready?” I say to my daughter.  
“Yuh! Where’s Papa?” She jumps in my arms.  
“Coming.” I sort of dismiss her and turn to my mother. “Where’s the car?”  
“This way.” She says, studies my face, does that motherly _thing_ where she can read me like an open book. “Are you alright?” I eye her wearily, frown slightly. “Take it easy, Harry. Everything will work out.” I nod even though I'm starting to believe that isn't the case.

 _It's not me I'm worried about._   
We walk in relative silence with the exception of my daughter’s babbling. She seems to take after...well certainly _not me_ .   
“Look Gramma! Daddy did my hair just like his today! See?” She turns her head around to show her the bun.   
“Oh wow, Daddy! Look at you!!” She nudges my arm. “Getting good with styling her hair, I see.”   
“Yeah yeah…I don't have a choice. Lou would shave it if I left it up to him.”

“What!! Daddy!!!” She shrieks.

“Never mind.” We reach the SUV then. “Claire get in the back and don't forget to buckle.”

“I won't!!” She hops in and I turn to look for my stubborn husband. And sure enough he's there dragging his feet, slowing his pace the closer he gets. _I'll kill him._ I climb into the back and turn towards Claire.

“Where’s your seatbelt?” I ask.  
“But Daddy!” She cries.   
“No but’s here! Put it on like I said.” I look in the middle row of seats, find Jack secure in his car seat, and immediately check the harness because I am fuckin paranoid. “See, darling? Jack has to wear a buckle too.”

“It scratches my _neck_.” She pouts.

“I know we forgot your booster seat.” _My fault._

“Papa!!!” She squeals when Lou sits next to Jack.  
“Hi, my love bug.” He gazes at me but swiftly diverts his eyes. _Prick_ .   
“Harry, where are we dropping you?” Robin asks from the front. I stare at the back of Louis’ head, glare at him, shoot daggers in his direction.   
“Downtown, by Front Street. We’ll meet you guys at the house later.”

“Sure.”

“I hear it's beautiful now.” Mom says. “You will be very impressed.”

“Yeah...I hope.” Louis whispers, touches his son's cheek, and sighs.  
.   
.   
.   
.   
“Be good for Grandma and Grandpa!” I croon.   
“I will Daddy.”   
“Good. Love you, Angel.” I kiss her forehead and turn to Jack who is now wide awake and playing with a stuffed bear. _Oh Howard_ . His eyes are just like...his father’s. “Hey little one. Love you too.” I kiss his cheek, brush away the hair resting on his forehead. “I have my phone on me if you need us.” I watch him a moment longer, take in his innocence, and cherub like cheeks. “We’ll see you guys later.” I smooth his hair once more.   
“Bye, Harry be safe.” Mom says. “You too, Louis!” She waves.   
“Thanks for the ride!” He smiles. And soon they're off... leaving me with _him_ . “Alright so-” I start to walk away without another word. “Stop for a moment will you?”   
“No! I want to get this over with so I can have my husband back.” He grips my arm to stop me. “What?!” I snap.   
“Just look at me and stop being so fuckin dramatic.”   
“I am not being dramatic. You’re the one walking around like a zombie. Even your 6 year old child can see it!!”   
“I am just…going through something, alright?” He looks so small and fragile, so easily breakable. I want to say something endearing to lift his spirits but right now I am fuming.   
“Wouldn’t it be nice if you told me what was bothering you? Or is that going to be kept secret too?”   
“What secret?”   
“Since the day of the attack, you have yet to tell me what you saw. What traumatized you to the point where you can’t even return? _That secret_ .” I pull my arm from his grasp and continue up the street. He catches up to me still.   
“I’m working on that.” He rushes out.   
“For sixteen years?!”  I shout.   
“YES Harry!! And I will take as long as I need!!”   
“Well, great I guess I’ll have to wait another sixteen years then.”   
“If you wanted to know, your ass looks incredible in these jeans.”   
“Always looking to change the subject. Some things never change.”   
“Yes, I won’t change because this is who I am…Can you stop!? I need you right now and you’re walking away from me.”   
“I’ve needed you a lot as well and you were too busy doing your own shit.”   
“Look at me.” He takes my arm, reluctantly turns me towards him.   
“I’m looking. What?”   
“You’re staring at my sneakers.”   
“They’re a lovely shade of black.” He lifts my chin, forces our gazes to meet.   
“Harry, I’m trying okay? I really am…” I'm startled by his irises, their intensity, their brightness.   
“You’ve been so distracted lately. Was it something I did? Are you overworked? You told me the moment you felt stressed out you’d tell me. Yet here you are falling apart...leaving me in a _crowded room_ all by myself. I can't handle it, Lou.”   
“It’s none of that. I was just…” He takes a deep breath. “I’ve been trying to come up with a way to tell you-”   
“Tell me what?!” Every worse possible scenario comes to mind…the worst being- “You don’t love me?!” I am lightheaded, my heart is breaking in my chest, all the insecurities I’ve managed to overcome sneaks its way back in weighing me down. I pull my hair out of its tie to avoid an imminent headache. “You brought me back here to leave me? Is that it!?”   
“Okay, wow. Those jeans are too tight. Next time, get a bigger size.”   
“Louis what are you saying?!” I grab onto my curls, tug ferociously at them, remember my daughter pulling at the dolls hair. _I guess I know where she gets that from_ . My fear arises, my body weakens, my life flashes before me.   
“I love you, Harry! Now calm down!” He pulls my hands free from my hair and I practically fall into him in relief.   
“You can’t phrase your sentences like that!” I cry.   
“If you can stop jumping to conclusions for once and let me finish my sentence.”   
“Sorry…I guess some things never do change.” I take a few deep breaths to reorient myself.   
“Better?” He smooths down my curls.   
“Mmhmm.” He takes my hand and we continue to the museum.   
“I’ve been distracted because I knew we were coming here. I was reliving the massacre over and over. I saw it in my dreams, while I was at work, putting Jack to bed. It was difficult.”   
“Oh.”   
“Yes, my love. It hasn’t been easy but I think I finally found it, you know the right words to say to you.” We walk into an open space where the towers once stood and in their place are two reflective pools surrounded by a small park. It’s serene, a calming place considering what transpired upon this very ground.   
“This is beautiful.” I squeeze Lou’s hand, feel the slight breeze hitting my cheeks, feel the weight of my husband's sorrow weighing on my shoulders. I look over to him and study his face, read his features as best I can. _Stoicism_ . He’s hiding something. “Are you okay? Is there anything I can do to help?”   
“I just…um…” He starts to tear up. “Can we s-sit down?” He swipes at his eyes. “Yes, I want...to sit.”   
“Whatever you need.” I give him another squeeze. “Anything.” I whisper.   
We find a bench near the walk way and simply take in the tranquility surrounding us. A sense of serenity consumes me then, replaces the sorrow that has since settled upon us, eases the ache the memories hold.   
“It’s gorgeous, really.” He is staring up at the newly constructed Freedom tower.   
“Yes.” I can’t keep my eyes off of him. “I know you’re waiting.”   
“I’ve been patient, Lou.” I kiss his cheek. “But...you were patient with me, remember? And I...and I need to give you that time as well. I forget what really happened sometimes, like the magnitude of the devistation.” I kiss him again. “And...you were there, you saw it, witnessed the tragedy first hand, fought to survive.” I shrug. “I'm sorry for being terse, for snapping in front of the children...I just felt so alone.”

“Harry-”

“You were standing right there, holding me, touching me, kissing my lips but...there is a part of you missing, Lou and I...I need to know now.”

“Yes...Harry yes.” He looks to me, grips my hand in his. “I will explain. _Everything_.” He confirms. “And once I do, I want to put it to rest, bury this part of my life forever and cease to think of it again because it was a horror. A true horror. And...what I hold here-” He touches his head. “Is... traumatizing.”

“I can imagine. I honestly don't know how you kept it together for so long.”

“Because I knew you, H. I _know_ how you are. You freak out, come to these ridiculous conclusions, allow your past to dictate your future! And I couldn't see you hurting so I told myself, promised myself actually, to never let you down, keep you content, ensure your happiness comes first. Love you the way you deserved to be.” He drops his head. “But right now, I need you. I need every ounce of strength you are able to give me. Hold me when I need, let me cry uncontrollably if I must. Catch the dread as it seeps from my pores.” I run my fingers through his short fringe.

“I'll be right here, Lou.” I whisper. “I will always be right here to catch you.” He sniffles.

“T-thanks.” He lifts his head, reveals his misty eyes. “I love you.” He kisses my lips, makes me pause, gives my heart a jolt of life.

“I love you too.” I swipe his cheek. “Now, Louis. Tell me.” I hold his hands in mine, watch him look to the tower then.  
“So I...remember leaving Niall’s place in a hurry because we both overslept…”   
.

.

.

.

Louis left Niall’s in such a rush, didn't bother to say goodbye to anyone or acknowledge them _especially_ his insolent boyfriend, his demanding, selfish _boyfriend_ who just insisted he get fuckin high when he specifically said NO!

_Ugh!!!_

Annoyance was emanating from very being towards Harry and his need to make him fit in with people when in reality, he just wanted to live his life in peace. He was always discreet, kept to himself and his studies, never felt the desire to be part of a crowd. But for some reason other students gravitated towards him, befriended him, kept him in the social circle, had to know him. To this day, he blames Nick for giving him the attention he so desperately wanted to avoid _. Or maybe it was my soccer skills_ . Either of the two really…it certainly wasn’t his dry sense of humor or looks. He just kept the smile plastered on his face and went with it knowing one day it would all come crashing down leaving him empty and alone. The enigma that was Louis Tomlinson would be solved and his soul will be exposed for all to see.   
He was lucky enough to have made it through most of his college years before anything really spiralled out of control. Excuses came easy to avoid people, especially when he had an exam or endless amounts of homework…anything would do to not have to attend another frat party. He only drank when he deemed it necessary (or when he wanted the evening to _end_ and yes he was a beer pong champ) and most often it was with Nick to be part of the crowd so once that nightmare ended he was a free man. A free man to do…absolutely nothing.   
A free man to sit at home and study his numbers and calculate equations to simplify his everyday accounting work. Which was the main reason why he was promoted.

_My hard work... not my bosses...me!!_

_I will not lose focus!!_   
He makes it to the train station in half the time it usually does when he was with Harry and enters the subway train, squeezes his way in and stands in the corner. He refocuses his mind on work and the dreadful meeting he'll have to sit through, the ridicule he'll be forced to endure, the hatred in his bosses eyes. It pains him actually, gives him anxiety... places this heaviness on him he never expected to feel.

 _School never prepared me for this_.

But of course his thoughts travel back to the curly haired man of his dreams, the man he...loves, the man he yelled at without remorse. The man he wants to kiss until their mouths hurt. _Oh Harry...why?_ He fixes his glasses, bites at his lip, chokes back a groan.

The moment he saw Harry, the moment their eyes met, the moment Louis noticed the bulge hiding underneath his admirers jeans, he was fucked. Harry wanted him, clearly wanted him physically, was interested enough to keep his eyes transfixed on Louis’ nerdiness and eccentric ways, his glasses and bowl haircut. Harry was completely out of his league, a man who possessed charm, charisma, a personality that would certainly light up any room. _A man I could never attract...a boy I remember seeing at frat parties flirting with the older gentlemen_. _A boy I remember...I wanted_.

He just wishes they were on the same page sometimes. _Or all the time_.

That would be helpful.

 _But damn it Harry!!!_   
Louis accidentally looks at his watch and nearly loses it when he notes the time. _8:25…fuck!!!!!_ His boss will do anything to make him look bad, call out every minute detail, correct the smallest error just because of his age. It makes him wonder why he was promoted in the first place…if he was such a threat why make him a manager?

 _God damnit Harry!! You ruined everything._   
When the train reaches his stop, it is 8:35. Louis runs past the commuters, his stature helping him maneuver through the crowd as he makes his way up to the street and to his office. He prays the meeting is running late…maybe the CEO is taking his time getting coffee? _Maybe I am trying to get my hopes up?_ He makes his way into the building, waves to the guard he actually befriended, and waits for an elevator. He checks his watch again…8:40. _Ten minutes isn’t bad…it’s okay…I’ll be fine._ The elevator comes and he steps on along with a few others.   
The ride up is slow and painful…it’s like they’re stopping at every fuckin floor! He looks down again at his watch.   _8:46 and at floor 65…. FUCK_!! He starts to tap his leg-

The elevator jerks to the right with such force he's certain they're going to drop.

It's sudden, it's terrifying...it's...what the fuck was that?

The force of the jolt knocked everyone off kilter, caused them to lose their balance from the momentum. A larger man lands on him then, crushes his tiny frame against the wall, the weight knocking the breath out of him. He pushes at them.  
“Sir, you’re hurting me.” Louis squeaks out. He tries to move the man away but he's too big. “Sir!!” His backpack is digging into his spine, his pencils and notebook as well. “Please!!” He shouts and the man finally obliges and steps away.   
“What was that?!” A woman in the corner asks. She looks frightened…in fact, he is frightened too. That was not…okay.   
“The elevator stopped.” He whispers to himself.   
“Try the emergency button.” The large man suggests. Louis is standing against the wall as claustrophobia settles in. _What the fuck was that though?_   
“What if no one comes?!” The same woman is panicking.   
“Someone will. They have to.” Another man with a striped suit responds. “Keep pressing it.”   
The emergency button has deemed to be useless. Whoever is supposed to be manning that desk is clearly sleeping on the job or refusing to answer. They’ve been waiting for nearly 20 minutes now.   
“It’s very warm in here.” A lady with blonde hair is fanning herself. Lou picked up on it too but was too afraid to share his opinion.   
“We’re a lot of people in a small space. That’s likely to happen.” The large man says.   
“No, it’s like…unbearably warm.” The blonde looks at him. “You feel it too right?” He is surprised she is speaking to him so he just nods in agreement. “Can we pry the door open?”   
“Why would we do that?!” The panicked lady asks, still in a panic of course. Louis is uncomfortable now, the heat is not from the bodies in the elevator, it’s something else. Something isn’t right. He begins to think over any possible scenario that could have happened…what would cause such an increase in temperature in the building. He really has no clue…unless the sun exploded and is engulfing the Earth. The only thing coming to mind is escape and get out. It’s like an impulse and it’s strong. _I need to leave. I need to get to Harry._   
“I’ll do it.” He finally builds enough courage to make his way to the front of the car. _Harry._   
“Are you strong enough, kid?” He turns to the man in the striped suit and flips him off not really giving two shits who he is or what he does. _He may be one of the regional managers…oh fuck THAT!! Get the fuck out!_ He wiggles his fingers between the solid metal and pulls. “Not so strong then?”   
“Then fuckin help me you asshole!” He pulls harder, can feel the door budge, but he needs help. The heat in the car isn’t helping either, his hands are slick with sweat, his forehead drenched. He needs water.   
“Here let me get the other side.” The large man takes hold of the other door. “Okay…1...2...3!” They simultaneously pull the doors open and are met with the wall of the elevator shaft. “We’re between floors.”   
“HOW BAD?!” The panicked lady yells.   
“Calm down!” The blonde walks to the front. “The door is right there. We can easily make it.”   
“Oh my god…I don’t want to die!!!” The lady is seriously losing it.   
“Ma’am, you need to calm the hell down. We’re all afraid.”   
“How will we get the door open?” The large man asks. Louis’ mind is working overtime. _Get out…get out!!!!_   
“There is probably a hatch we can open and climb through.” He looks up at the ceiling and notes the latch. “Here. Lift me up, I can open the doors from on top.” Once Louis removes his backpack, the larger man lifts him easily and climbs up. The elevator shaft is impossibly warm, too hot...this is not normal. He looks up then, notices smoke billowing from the top floors. “There’s smoke up there.” He yells down but no one responds so he makes his way to the doors and opens them up revealing a slew of people running back and forth, crowds of workers in dress pants and suits blocking his way. Louis can hear crying and shouting over the clicking of heels and scuffling of heavy boots on the marble. _What the fuck_ . He walks back to the hatch. “Alright guys, let’s go. I think something happened.” He looks up again at the smoke. “Hurry!”   
“We need you down here though.” The man in the striped suit says.

“Why!?” He swipes at his forehead.

“We need to lift everyone out, shrimp.” He let's that slide.  
“ _Fine_.” The last place he wants to be is back in the car…but he goes anyway against his better judgement.  
“Lift me up first so I can help the women.” The large man orders. _Shit he’s fuckin huge_. Louis and the man in the striped suit look at one another.  
“I can help too.” The blonde offers thankfully. Now with the three of them, they get the large man on top of the car.  
“What the hell is going on?” Louis hears him say. _I don’t know_ …  
“Get me out of here!!!” The panicked lady is lifted out first and darts out of view.  
“Alright now you.” The large man points to the blonde.  
“Sure. I apologize now if you get a free show.” She stands below the hatch and is hoisted up. “Thanks guys…and please be safe!” She runs out of sight too. _Fuck. I want...I have to get out of here!_ The random man and Louis stare one another down determining who is next.  
“You’re the smallest, you should be last.” This man is a shithead. “Plus, I have…well had a meeting at 8:30. I need to get to the 100th floor.” He is clearly dense…did he not hear Louis earlier regarding the smoke?  
“There is smoke coming from the top floors, I believe it was canceled.” The large man pokes his head in.  
“Okay whatever, let's just get outta here.” Louis intertwines his fingers together and allows the man to place his dirtied foot in his linked hands. They lift him up with relative ease and out of the car. He leaves without acknowledging either of them...no thank you or even a good luck. _Wow, I hope he isn't someone important_. He rolls his eyes at the selfish prick. “Come on, kid.” Louis looks up then, finds it's too high for him. _Oh no!_   
“Will I make it?” He hides his panic.  
“Yes, take my hand, I can pull you.”

“A-alright.” He slips his backpack on and jumps up, latches onto the man’s sweated hand. He’s losing his grip quickly!?

“Just a little higher now!” He grabs hold of the hatch opening and pulls himself up by hooking his legs over the lip of the entrance. Soon he is back on top of the car. “There! Now let’s go!!” They run to the door and into the chaos before them.  
“We need to find the stairs.” Louis says as he looks around the corner and is met with a rush of people.   
“Follow the crowd!” They trail after a group running in the opposite direction praying they know the way. He is dying of heat, the sweat making his tailored shirt stick to every inch of his torso. He pushes the fringe from his eyes and focuses on the man in front of him. “Here it is!” The line of people ascending the stairs is alarming.   
“W-what happened?” He follows them into the stairwell. _Oh my god, we’re on the 66th floor._ He pulls the sleeves of his shirt to his elbows and tugs on the straps of his bag. _Focus on each step. It’s okay…you’re okay_ …He is walking directly behind the person in front of him willing them to move faster, praying they could just move so he can breathe fresh air again.   
“Watch out!!” There is a shout from behind him. He finds a woman badly burned with her dress hanging vicariously off her shoulder, her arm mangled and bloodied. “We need to get her down!” Another man in a suit is helping her, carrying her, guiding her down. Everyone moves to the inside of the stairwell allowing them to pass with ease. He can feel tears prickle his eyes at the sight, the sting too familiar. He quickly swipes them away… _I’m okay…I’m not hurt._   
_Harry, I’m coming_ .   
He makes it to the 30th floor about 25 minutes later. Every person is working together, helping the injured, allowing the firemen to pass. It’s a smooth descend, his chances of survival becoming more likely. He looks at his watch, 9:50. He’s been inside of a burning building for how long? _Almost there…almost there…don't think about it. Just move._   
“What happened?” After all this time it’s been eerily quiet, the only noises were the occasional groans of the building, quiet cries, and shoes clapping against the steps. Everyone is either too afraid to speak or simply speechless.   
“I heard it was a plane.”   
“Is the South tower okay?”   
“That was hit too…”   
_That was hit too?! My god…Harry! I need to get home!!_ Tears threaten once more…He knows crying won’t help but…how else can he manage his emotions? He’s petrified of losing his life and what’s worse is that both he and Harry left on bad terms this morning. _I love you I love you I love you I love you_ …he repeats the line in his head hoping it will reach him. Louis knows Harry is hard on himself…that if he doesn’t make it home…it will be _bad…Don’t worry, I’m coming_ . Every negative thought he had earlier vanishes. The surge of affection he feels towards the man is growing, making his heart swell, the love he feels consuming him. _God I need you right now…just need to hear your voice_ ... _duh!!!_ He remembers his phone and pulls it from his pocket, immediately dials Harry’s number…busy signal…FUCK! He tries again…no luck. SHIT!! He tries a third time... fourth time...eighth time... nothing. _I love you!!!_   
Firemen pass everyone in droves, ascend towards the carnage with their calm demeanor and heavy gear. They're the true heroes, the selfless, New York’s bravest, the one's putting themselves in harm's way to ensure everyone is helped...saved...given an opportunity to survive.

But he overhears one of the radios that is strapped to their shoulder…he can make out the words “trapped”, “fire is spreading”, “need back up”, “smoke inhalation”. Trapped? _What the fuck happened?_ It's the worst possible fear, the kind that is crippling, debilitating, all consuming. _Fuck!!!_   
The floors pass by in a blur…and fortunately they’re in the lobby running for the doors that are covered in a cloud of…smog? _What is that?!_ Police officers are directing them out in a hurry as more firefighters enter the building, running into harm’s way to help those still in need of assistance. _Is this actually happening?_   
“Be careful of flying debris!! Go as far uptown as you can and be safe!!” The female police officer instructs. “And cover your mouth! Don’t breath in the dust!” _Dust? Where did dust come from?!!!_ Louis swiftly takes his shirt out from his bag, covers his face, and emerges from the building.   
The smoke is intense and reeks of burning metal. His eyes immediately tear up as particles cling to every inch of exposed skin. He can’t even figure out which way is uptown so he attempts to follow the crowd in front of him. _Keep up…keep up!!_   
There is a loud smack a few feet away making him jump back. _Fuck that could have landed on my head!!_ Louis insists it is a piece of debris but on closer inspection he realizes it is a human being. The body is unrecognizable from the impact, the limbs bent in an unnatural angel, the suit jacket now tattered and torn. He starts to cry as he hastily moves away, the sight sickening and depressing. How could someone resort to jumping? Is it that intense up there? What are they seeing? Feeling? _I am alive. I need to go_ . He covers his nose and mouth and continues walking while keeping his head down. He is determined to get home, to survive this mess, to get to Harry.   
Suddenly, he is stumbling forward landing on his hands and knees. His once clean shirt is now on the concrete covered in a layer of dust. _Fuck get up!_ He looks above him in hopes of finding the second tower in better condition than his but it’s just air. It’s gone. _The South Tower is NOT THERE. Where is it?!_ A hand is on his arm tugging him up.   
“Get out of here!!” It’s an officer. “Go! Get to safety.”   
“B-but where did-” He struggles to speak.   
“GO!!” He is pushed away and further up the road.   
He pulls his button down over his face and continues his steady walk through the expanse of smoke that is before him. It’s thick, hard to navigate through, and difficult to breathe in. Louis can feel his lungs struggling to work with each inhale and the dust sticking to his throat and mouth. He tightens his shirt over his face to block as much of it as he can without suffocating himself. He just needs to remain focused and get home to Harry who is most likely falling apart. _Don’t worry H. I am crumbling just as fast._   
He makes it about a block away before he hears a group of people start to scream in horror. The word RUN prominent. _Run?!_   
“It’s COMING DOWN!!!” Someone else yells. What’s coming down?! He looks up and sees it.   
“GO GO GO!!!”   
The sound is deafening as the building folds in on itself, the clanging of metal hitting metal, the groan of the structure twisting and bending. Hordes of people run from the falling debris as it comes crashing down towards them, dropping personal effects, and bags, their faces masked in horror. The dust, ash, smoke, and pieces of the façade form a cloud that engulfs the surrounding buildings and anything that lay in its path, its wrathe unstoppable, the destruction devastating. It all happened so quickly too.   
The force of the cloud sends Louis flying forward and onto the ground. He hits his head on the pavement and is seeing stars from the impact, the fall setting him back. He manages to stand on his wobbly feet to continue to safety, each step becoming more cumbersome than the last. He's losing energy _...Harry, I love you_ . He’s outwardly sobbing as he runs up the street determined to live.   
He starts to cough uncontrollably as more dust fills his mouth, nose, and throat with each inhale he takes. His lungs are burning in protest from the staleness of the air mixed with particles of who knows what. He feels suddenly faint, the oxygen most likely not enough to sustain him, the head injury probably playing a factor as well. He starts to stumble and eventually runs into…a parked car? He reaches his hands out blindly to see if he there is a place for him to rest for a few minutes. His legs are hurting, feet burning from walking, his head….oh his head. He eventually sits down next to the car.   
It’s quiet. The streets of New York are disconcertingly still. After hearing the fall of the building, all has gone silent. A faint siren can be heard in the distance but that’s about it. The sound of feet is deafened by the ash covering the ground, the rush of people making their way to clean air becoming fewer and fewer…   
Louis can’t help but cry into his grime covered hands. He isn’t sure what transpired, the events that led up to this disaster. It was a normal Tuesday morning that turned into something you only find in story books or movies. Actually living through it, breathing it in, surviving…it’s too surreal. He can’t take it. His company is gone…the number of employees most likely in the hundreds…what will he do now?   
He lays down next to the car unable to move. He is exhausted and emotionally drained. He feels the aftershocks of his adrenaline wearing out, the fight slowly dying from his will, the energy he had to get home to Harry dissipated. _I need a nap…a quick nap_ …He just needs a few minutes of peace before he can continue on. He is alive…breathing…and so close to his love.   
Just a nap…


	19. Epilogue: I’m ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s true, okay? You’re my savior and I love you with all my heart.”

Tears are pooling in my eyes, threatening to spill over, blurring my vision the longer he speaks of the events. I want to reach out to him, hold him, reassure him he's safe now. But it's a stain in his memories, a life altering moment he'll probably...never forget.  
“You…fell asleep?” I ask him.   
“No I am almost certain I passed out. When I did come to, I had rolled underneath the car somehow and was not visible to EMTs or police officers. That’s why I showed up late at night…I was out for a long time and no one saw me.”   
“Lou-” I choke on a sob. “That’s terrible.”   
“Now I hope you can understand why I waited. Why it hurts to bring it up, talk about it…relive it really.” He shrugs, twists his fingers in his lap.   
“I love you.” I say. “I love you so much, do you realize?” He looks to me.   
“You saved me.” He says matter of fact.   
“How did I save you?” I rub at my eyes.   
“I was late Harry. You made me late. I would have been trapped on my floor when the plane hit…above the impact zone.” I can't look away from him now.   
“I…never thought of that.”   
“Yes.” He kisses my lips. “You saved me by making me late that morning.”

“You know I felt awful about that too.”  
“Exactly but it saved my life! Do it again because I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.”   
“Please don’t say that.” I shake my head.   
“It’s true, okay? You’re my savior and I love you with all my heart.”  He kisses me again with a little more fervor and I can’t help but reciprocate. We only break away when we realize where we are.   
“Are you ready?” I run my finger along his bottom lip.   
“As long as you don’t let me go, yes I am.” He takes my hand and we make our way to the reflective pools. With each step, Lou’s grip on me tightens, his expression becomes more solemn, his demeanor changes. I look over and can see the glassiness of his eyes and the downturn of his lips.   
“I’m right here.” I whisper. He nods once and steps up to the black marble, runs his hands over the grooves, the names of every individual who perished on that day engraved into the surface.   
Lou searches the entire length of the stone to find his team members, bosses, colleagues, and anyone else he knew. I refuse to rush him…he needs to mourn.   
“I f-found them.” He covers his mouth with his hand as the tears fall from his eyes. I rub his back then.   
“You okay?” He nods once and puts his head down on the marble, silently cries into his hand, finally has the chance to say his good-byes. I back away then, give him the space he needs.   
After a few minutes I return to him.   
“Here.” I hand him a yellow rose I purchased from a nearby vendor.   
“What’s that for?” He looks at it.   
“A remembrance.” Louis takes the flower and searches the names of his peers and spots one in particular I find familiar. “Who is Natale?”   
“She was my assistant. She was always early. Never missed a beat.” It’s probably a coincidence…I shake my head.   
“I see.” He looks at the name and sticks the rose stem into the N.   
“I think I’m finished here. Can we go now?” I look at my phone and it’s nearly 5pm.   
“Are _you_ ready, Lou?” He smiles up at me.   
“I am.”   
“Okay, let’s go see the kiddies. I miss them.” I take his hand and lead him away.   
“You’re a great father you know that?”   
“I…try.” I feel my cheeks redden.   
“Did you pack Howard?”   
“Yup, Jack had him earlier.”   
“Good…the kid can’t sleep without it.”   
“Neither can you.”   
“No I can’t sleep without _you_ .” He nudges me with his shoulder.   
“Oh please once your head hits the pillow you’re out!”

“Really Harry, I can’t.”  
“Okay sure…”  
“Are you going to fight me on this?”  
“No! I think it’s sweet.”  
“Is that so?”  
“Yeah. Sweet just like you.” I kiss the tip of his nose. “And so cute.”  
“Don’t say cute!!!”  
“You’re cute and loveable and I just want to hug you.” I wrap my arms around him, lift him off his feet.  
“Here we go…you and your sappiness. Put me down please?”  
“Not until you kiss me and tell me you love me.”  
“I love you.”  
“Where’s my kiss?”  
“I can’t…reach.” I start to giggle as I place him down on the ground. He kisses my lips. “There. Now walk.”  
“What?” I ask.  
“I want to stare at your ass, now walk.” I look at my butt that is quite prominent through the white denim.  
“And you wanted me to get a bigger size…”  
“I was stupid and very wrong. Now hush and walk away.” I turn around and do as I am told knowing he is ogling my ass at the moment. It’s slightly uncomfortable until I realize it’s just Louis. He is allowed to stare as much as he wants. And even after all of this time, he is the only man I can see myself with, spend the rest of my days with, raise my children with, mourn with, overcome any obstacles with.  
“Are you finished?”  
“No! Keep rocking those skinny jeans, babe.” I’m going to smack him.  
“Come on!! We have to go.” I wave him over to me.  
“Okay okay I’m coming, boss.” He runs over and takes my hand. “Are we seeing Ed?”  
“He’s on tour.”  
“Still?!”  
“Yes, he is on a reunion tour with some pop group band thing…One Direction? I don’t know. Claire won’t stop talking about how one of the members head of hair is curly like mine... saying how they copied me or whatever. It's annoying actually.”

“Well does he?”  
“I don’t fuckin know! Who cares…”  
“We all know you have the prettiest hair.”  
“I do, thank you.” I smirk in appreciation.  
“It’s so soft and curly…and I want to smoosh my face in it.”  
“You’re weird.”  
“Nope, I’m in love. It’s different.” I look to him out of the corner of my eye and he is completely serious.  
“Love you too.”  
“Now let’s go home?”  
“Yes, let’s go home.”  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All fixed.  
> All done.  
> I hoped you enjoyed!!


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